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Date Posted: 20:44:04 10/07/01 Sun
Author: Jonathan
Author Host/IP: 65.230.127.100
Subject: Are you out there. God?

Here is a more personal side of me.

I was thinking today about when I was a child how unloved and unwanted I was. Shivering and sleeping on the gravel under freeway overpasses. Listening to the sounds of the tires of semi's passing overhead. Staring up into the star-studded skies wondering.... wondering why am I here.

I breathed so so shallowly, watching the vapors of my breath pass through my nostrils and sighing with warm tears staining my cheeks as the cold night turned to morning.

25 years later... I am still praying; "Are You there God?" As I type these words from my secure cocoon of loneliness and pain.

Today there are places children can run to if they desire to leave the streets. They weren't there for me...

Must I go through life carrying the dark baggage of my past with me? Will such feelings ever end?

I am still a survivor... twenty-five years later! I still am just as wounded today as I was then! There is no release! No end to the confinement of the swelling torment that I carry within. Why does God allow me to live? Does God even exist??? I rationalize this by my extensive research of physics and logic and know He must exist... yet why must I suffer? Why must anyone suffer?

There will be a day of judgement against those who have shown no mercy to the innocent. But the mere thought does not bring me relief but only somber affirmation. Today, I want to release my hatred and rage at those who caused my anguish! I want to end my life in retaliation against those who denied me a normal life! And if I were to do so then what? What statement would that bring to others? Some crazed and fanatical "Christian" chose not to turn the other cheek and got his revenge? Tarnishing the image of a merciful and forgiving God whom I serve?

Is it any wonder people doubt the existance of God? Where are the loving Christians out there that tenderly tuck the oppressed under a mother's wing?


In many ways I feel abandoned... left to search blindly for my identity in this world. Such a cruel and cold world in which we live in. Look around you at the homeless runaways that wander our streets. Remember that these kids feel safer there than at home! And why? Behind closed doors are the beatings and screaming of small children. In the dark bedrooms are countless thousands of kids weeping and biting their lips. Dreading the morning... and awakening to another terrifing day and the horror that it will bring.

I wish those who have kids to remember that the next time you give your kid a belt-lashing or a black-eye. They will carry those memories the rest of their lives even as you will have FORGOTTEN them!

God... it you are out there... be merciful and let me die. I just want to die... give me the courage to die without vengeness and to accept the martyrdom of my innocence.

Jonathan

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