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Subject: beta stuff Author: jean [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] Date Posted: 11:15:39 07/23/03 Wed In reply to: Athena4 's message, "Hope (Untitled) - Chapter 8" on 18:33:10 07/20/03 Sun A counterattack against the KGB was launched within the week, by Section One. My ear wanted to hear this as two statements. "..within the week. The attack was led by Section One." Somethign like that, you know? To her pleasure, Madeline found herself too wrapped up in disassembling the shelter, and her team, to think much about her own reassignment. One by one they were shipped out, taking what few possessions they had, and whatever supplies their transport could carry. And one by one, she took them aside, pressing on them the importance of silence, of the chance they were gaining. This paragraph's flow would run smoother with at least fifty percent less commas. In my humble opinion. ;) ..reassignment to Section One; transport to pick her.. a comma is a lighter touch here than a semicolon “Hey,” Egran smiled, coming to sit next to her on her cot,.. This is one example of where Egran's diction falls below what I expect. There were a couple other places (not many, and subtle; it's hitting me now with that "hey") where he sounded more American than not, and my ear wanted to hear something more European. Ditto on the "okay"s. ...something as simple as being back in Paul’s arms... Ohhh, but being in Paul's arms is NOT simple, is it? (evil laugh) Madeline, you changed my life; by bringing me .. delete semicolon -------------------- Once more, with feeling: I really like that you took on this story and explored the history between Madeline and Petrosian. I dig that guy who plays him, and he's just a cool bad-ass who deserves a few fanfics. You got some neat character building going on with the members of Five -- I say push it. Flesh 'em out a bit more. You got the one guy with his clenched fist, the guy filching cashews, the card-playing. Little details like that go a long way, and I like what you've got. [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

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[> [> Subject: Re: Hope (Untitled) - Chapter 8 Author: Nestra [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 13:25:56 07/23/03 Wed A counterattack against the KGB was launched within the week, by Section One. Why not nice and active? "Section One launched..." To her pleasure, Madeline found herself too wrapped up in disassembling the shelter, and her team, to think much about her own reassignment. One by one they were shipped out, taking what few possessions they had, and whatever supplies their transport could carry. And one by one, she took them aside, pressing on them the importance of silence, of the chance they were gaining. What jean said. ;-) Glancing down at them, she understood his confusion, and why he was at a loss for words. I don't think you need both "confusion" and "loss for words." Hers showed the same thing, reassignment to Section One; transport to pick her up before dawn. Hers showed the same thing: reassignment to Section One, transport... She’s missed him more than she’d ever thought she would, far more than she’d like to admit. She'd “The Three Stooges?” Madeline interjected, and was answered with a mock frown from Egran. Is that a reference he'd get? “Never mattered. You did though. I do regret you.” Comma before "though". And I'd like a little more description in this part of the conversation - it's hard to tell how the two of them feel. “Okay, it probably is. But, I can handle myself.” Cut comma after But. “Shhh. Just a thank you. No matter what tomorrow brings, Madeline, you changed my life; by bringing me home, and giving me your friendship. I'd cut the semi-colon and have "you changed my life by bringing me home, and by giving me..." “No need for thanks, Egran,” she said, pulling his hands down, and holding them for a moment in hers. Cut the comma after "down." “Yes, ma’am,” he smiled, returning to his own cot. Smiled not a dialogue tag. ;-) (Broken record? Me?) that had brought her to this moment; that had made her desperate enough to force George’s hand. Semi-colon should be a comma. And there we are. :-) I think the plot hangs together nicely, all the strands of intrigue and people's various allliances. [ Post a Reply to This Message ]