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Subject: comments Author: jean [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] Date Posted: 22:28:41 07/03/02 Wed In reply to: Nestra 's message, "Identity Crisi (Part 4 / End)" on 07:38:24 07/03/02 Wed She'd built Mr. Jones up in her mind, pinning three years' worth of hopes on him, and now he's turned out to be nothing more than a paper doll with Mick Schtoppel folded over him like a cheap suit. Still kicking major ass here, Dana... He stands and gropes his way to the back of the limo, so it'll be there if he needs something to lean or collapse against. I had to read this a couple times to figure out the he wanted to be by the limo in case he needed to lean on the limo. Might be because I'm tired. "...that there’s no fall out." I honestly don't know: is that 'fallout' or 'fall out'? "Uh, thank you?" Haaa ha hahah! Mr. Jones smiles, and for a moment, the tilt to his mouth reminds him of Nikita. "Why, Martin. Just be yourself." And Dana pops this suckah right out of the park! Excellent, excellent! The theater leaks, and the is only slightly better than nothing, but it's still a job. ...the pay..?? *************************** Excellent. And did I mention it kicked ass? I particularily liked Martin's love affair with Mick. As for what Delle said about tenses...they changed? (blink) I'm not much of a beta! lol The only thing distracting about the tenses is when we see Martin as a fledgling actor: that is the past. I see where we revisit it, in the very end; perhaps it confused delle? (Milan vs. Cardiff) Took me a bit to realize that, too. Conceptually, a very elegant ending...just that tense thing might get in the way. Now I feel bad that I haven't finished my 'zine story.... [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

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[> [> Subject: Comments Author: Athena [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 21:28:05 07/05/02 Fri Uh. Two things. First off, I have seen 5th season all of ONCE... (except 502 and 507).. So my confusion may stem from that. *BUT* outside the limo... in the confession scene.. when did Martin/Mick end up on the ground. You say she kicks him, then he's grasping gravel... I missed something. Could just be me. And, although I understand that at the end you're referring to his past... him wanting to be an actor, and it being his first job. It REALLY does seem out of place. It took me a minute to realise what it referred to, and I'm PRETTY SURE that most of the storyboard population will think that Mick has been released.. and Othello is his "first job" when he becomes Martin again..... Maybe its me? [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> [> [> Subject: No, it definitely seems like it's a problem. So suggestions on how I fix it? Would it help if I put a date stamp on top of the flashbacks? Or is there any other way? Author: Nestra [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 08:29:20 07/06/02 Sat [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> [> [> [> Subject: You know, I chuckled at the 'datestamp' idea (I was thinking of a punchclock from the dungons of retail, years ago), but it's a valid device. A simple year, or month/year in italics, only for the flashbacks. Try it, and see how it looks. That's the real test. Author: jean [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 15:14:59 07/06/02 Sat [ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> [> [> [> [> Subject: I'm kinda sulky about that idea, though. What about rephrasing the first sentence, so it starts with something like "At the age of nineteen...". Or something like that. I'll play around and see what I can come up with. Author: Nestra [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 19:39:58 07/06/02 Sat [ Post a Reply to This Message ]