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Date Posted: 05:32:09 07/27/01 Fri
Author: Lawrence
Subject: An appraisal

Hi boys and girls, looks like the message board is finally coming alive. I've come to add my two cents worth on one of the most momentuous happenings the past couple of days. This is gonna be pretty long. I'm going to write in a chronological way, coupled with addresses to various people and my thoughts and feelings.

I shall start very aptly on the Friday(if i recall correctly) before the Nationals. I remember we did boxing the day before during the training. It was also the training that Mr Yong gave us the pycnogenol. Ironically, I fell seriously ill on Friday. I had expected it, I had spent an absolutely terrible night. The prospect of racing with a sick body loomed large at me. I knew I had to keep calm and not panic. I felt terrible that morning and came to school late. I met Fletcher at the basketball court having PE. I literally forced myself to smile at him even though I was doubtful of making up the flight of stairs to the canteen. The fever worsened and the blood drained from my face. During break, I was making my way to the canteen when I thought of how I was letting My Yong and Ben down. The numbing feverishness anf these thoughts forced tears into my eyes. I barely made it to the table. I would like to thank those guys there(Adrian, Greg, Shien, Wenshun, Jon, Ben, Keith) for consoling me. I wasn't really tearing because I felt despair but because I felt really sick. Thanks Shien for volunteering to accompany me to the doctor's.
Eventually, I went myself. I could barely make my way out of the NJC main gate under the hot sun. I receive an SMS from Siti telling me the girls were there for me. I was really touched. Thanks Siti. I more or less recovered in half a day and made it still for the training, both on that day and on saturday.

On to the Nationals: Frankly, Ben and I had high hopes for the nationals even though we did not articulate it. I firmly believed that we had done our training and at least a place in the finals was deserving. I distinctly remember the common test week where Keith, Adrian and I trained for 6 days that week!(including weights with Mr Tan). It was the final push. How ironically, none of us were in the finals. Ben had trained 5 times. We were confident although not complacent( we realised we had strong opponents).
How on that fateful day, things turned out awry. I cannot forget our heats. The cycle was so high that we almost attempted a 500m take-off. Luckily or unluckily, we managed to qualify. I remeber telling Ben at the briefing, suddenly and quietly, that I was very angry with him. He gave his usually twitchy crest-fallen look. Frankly, I knew we were in trouble already. I was completely drained of any energy.(My back still ached from the boxing). I went to Adrian's house that night. I cooked up an excuse to bunk with him. It wasn't because I didn't want to go home(I actually wanted to because I needed a good sleep) but I wanted to keep him company. I was afraid that he couldn't take things anymore, I figured he needed someone to talk to, somewhat like a distraction. Keith and I went that night(Three of us again!)to Adrian's house. Adrian, I knew you cried that night because I could see your eyes were puffy in the morning.
I remembered I said lots of nonsense on IRC that night. I needed to change my mindset about the semis. I was dead afraid of complacency. I was trying to play mind games with myself. The next day, I knew things were not good. I had figured out that although Ben and I were 'good during trainings', we lacked the 'champion's mentality', the crucial killer instinct. Some girls gave me quizzical/scornful? looks that morning. I don't know why. I must thank Fenny for coming to the shore just as we were setting off for the startline. She patted us on the back and it was really reassuring. Thanks. In short, the race was a disaster. This time as it turned out, the cycle was too low and the transition was bad. Thus, we were stuck behind eating backwash. Mr Yong said that you are a winner if you have given your best. But how do you know you have given your best when the race ended even before you knew it. We in and out of backwash and water came into the boat.
When i came up on shore after the race, Daniel was there. He obviously was the race. He tried to put up a brave front and gave very encouraging remarks. Thanks Daniel. I was totally numb. I was numb until we went to watch 'Shaolin Soccer' after the 2nd day. In the movie, it seemed that winning was so trivial and the plot so romanticised and idealised, while I had the stark reality of defeat thrown into my face only hours ago. It was as if your arm was suddenly chopped off and the pain came later.
Ben, I don't blame you for what happened. If I appear silent sometimes, its probably me contemplating some universal truth *grin*. Actually, I blame myself for not being alert enough and to correct you. I know deep in me you push as hard, if not even harder, than I do.
I remember Greg saying that he had the luxury of 'playing' with his opponents on the bus after the movie. It really hurt me because it seemed that I was the one being played out. I missed the KAP bus-stop(change bus) with Jonathan and I alighted at Bukit Timah market. I didn't want to tell Jon about how I was feeling(terrible). I remember the satay bee hoon stall(my favourite) was closed. It seemed the whole world was in a murderous conspiracy against me. As I was walking out to the Shell petrol station, suddenly everything hit me. The team was in trouble and I had not helped matters by not qualifying for the finals. I remember the high hopes some of the guys piled on me and Ben. I remember the extreme indignation of battling fever to go for training and only to let everything to waste. I remember all the tears Mr Yong shed. It was barely more than I could take. I tried forcing my tears back, with every fibre in my body. I remembered all those who didn't qualify that day(keith Adrian Doug Wenshun Ben). I felt sorry, really sorry for them. I messaged all of them asking them how they were. Only Adrian replied. He and I kept up the messages until i struggled to the steps of KAP. The feeling of suppresing anger, resentment, envy, sadness was horrendous. Thanks Adrian for all those things you said. Thanks Xiuwen too for your support(she messaged me too). Mr Yong messaged me too telling me how proud he was of me. Frankly, I doubted those words. I was such a tragic disappointment.
That night, I asked myself what did I not do that I deserved this. I sincerely believed that I trained with everything I got. I had given up so much, so very much. I thought of Adrian and Keith(us again), I wondered how Keith was coping. I couldn't shed anymore tears. It was simply a second state of shock. I wondered how I was gonna get through the next day. That night too, I marked and wrote comments for every single juniors' self evaluation form. I don't know why I did that. I slept out of sheer mental exhaustion.
On the last day, I remember as one of the worst days I had ever lived. If there was anything worse than physicaly torture, it was mental torture. I remember I warmed up with Weiye, Fletcher, Greg and Shi'en that morning. Can you imagine the feeling of warming up for nothing while your friends are warming up for probably the biggest race of their lives? I told myself that I had to give my team-mates support.(I sincerely don't know how I came to that resolve) I was at the start-line for both the 1000m/500m races. It was a terrible feeling both inside and outside. Sheer mental torture and and sun was scorching.
After the 1000m races ended, I went up to shore and I must thank Fenny and Miaohua for telling me that they were grateful I was there at the startline. I had received no such compliment from anybody else, even Mr Yong. After the 500m finals, I did a 1000m set( for NCC) with Ben. It was a mixed feeling of some sort of release and yet regret. There was a girl(sounded like Weiying or Delphine) on shore cheering us on. It was me and Ben's 'testimony' race. I sincerely thank whoever that was. I was really touched. When I told Ben that I was ready to do another 1000 set, he complained his right shoulder ached. But I told him about 'bouncing back from a setback' and finally persuaded him by compromising on a 750m. Frankly, I was extremely disappointed with you, Ben. Where did all that resolve and courage go to? In the adrenalin rush, I had forgotten we were fallen heroes and our defeat only the day before. Frankly too, I was disappointed with Adrian too. He had hidden himself in the shed the whole day. Probably mulling over things. I wanted to tell you Adrian that I'm feeling just as bad and having something to do to distract yourself was probably the best thing. I remember Xinning telling me in her card she gave me that we lost because she had used the round ubin T2 for her race. Frankly, it didn't matter. But I appreciated your concern, really. I really felt for Zhihao too, who was such a great potential, that he was DQed.
That night at Fish and Co., it seemed that everything was alright. In the company of so many friends, I had forgotten my thoughts for a while. But I suddenly realised that I had something to fight for in the NCC T2 1000m. I remember Mr Yong messaged me that night telling me to concentrate on my races coming up on the next 2 days. He told me to 'whack' at the take-off. I told him it was a 1000m race. He told me to whack more in terms of effort. It seemed that he was insinuating that me and Ben didn't whack at the take-off and that we don't put in as much effort in the 500m races!
That morning, Mr Yong really scathed us with a barrage of scolding about not taking competition seriously. But fortunately, it didn't affect me. I always knew what Mr Yong said was for a good purpose and his intentions were clear. Even Greg agreed with me that even though he may have used the wrong methods thus resulting in unintentional side-effects, his intentionis were clear. Ben and I qualified for the finals, but only barely. Frankly, I was now in a withdrawal mode. I was so tired of rowing and I couldn't get the final over and done with. the chore of warming up for another potentially disastrous race really turned me off.
As things turned out, the final proved to be a disaster as well. We had a disaster start(at a diagonal angle). Again, it was my fault for not being alert enough. I thought the starter would be particular about the start since this was a final.
So there ended my career. At KFC that night eating all that unhealthy food, I felt that I was punishing myself with all that junk. Sitting at the 'loser's table', I envied with all my heart Greg, Shi'en, Linus, and even Daniel/Leetong and Weiye/Fletcher for coming in 1-2 for their event. Frankly, I was even sick of feeling sick and the mental strain was killing me softly. Indeed that greatest battle was not fought in the war but in the aftermath. I longed to go back to school and to put canoeing behind me.
Recalling that unhappy incident concerning Mr Yong, I think what Greg said that morning of the NCC finals was absolutely true. He may have put it in an unappropriate tone but I knew that he was hurt. He knew and I knew that we didn't talk ill of Mr Yong or whatever the rumour was. It simply wasn't true. Like I said, anyone with the slightest perception would be able to see that Mr Yong had always the clearest of intentions. Probably in the heat of the moment, some people may have said the wrong things. But hey, everyone makes mistakes and Mr Yong included. During lunch at cuppage the day before, I bitterly resented the fact that we were *still* discussing about Mr Yong. I detested even hearing one bit of that discussion(I sat with Fletcher and Xinjie).
I must really thank these two persons actually, and Greg too. They have really been my best pals in this 'crisis'. I felt that they understood(or at least tried to understand). Fletcher and Xinjie have this knack of sensing what your mood is.
Anyway, I'm very proud to say that I have gotten to know all of you people, especially the guys. I feel that after the nationals, we all became equals again. There was no comparison about who was the fastest or who won the most medals. What disturbed me was this rumour(may not be true) that the girls didn't think very highly of the guys. I really felt disappointed when, again rumour, that someone said Adrian didn't push hard enough(of all the people!). I believe that some of the girls may have looked down on those 7 guys who didn't qualify. I would have done the same too if our positions had been reversed. We're all human after all. But it was a hard pill to swallow. I can really tell everyone that I( and Ben) have given so much.
On Tuesday when school re-opened, we had the push-ups thing. I really felt disgusted about going. I was actually going to do push-ups with those juniors! Some of them even had the cheek to put down the seniors and speak behind our backs. After all we've done for them! the bags, the celebrations, the coaching, the self-evaluation forms! *sigh* Ultimately, I turned up because I knew Daniel would be there and if no one showed up, he'll probably get into more trouble(as if he hadn't sacrificed enough!). I was glad that quite a number of seniors turned up. It was our last bit for those juniors. That day, Mr Yong had been bugging me the whole day to keep his T2 medal and to share it with Ben. Frankly, I had no desire for any medal anymore.
I think some of us really need some time off to reflect and think, those who have won in NS and NCC have really done the whole team proud. Remember that with that medal comes that responsibility to come back to coach the junios since you will be the ones they look up too. As for me, I don't know how I will be remembered. Who will ever understand what all of us have been through?
I hope that all of us pick ourselves up again. That includes you, Adrian. Like what I told Mr Tan and Mr Yong, on hindsight, I think I've learnt more by losing than if I had won. I don't know what to think now, but whenever I look back at canoeing, it will always be the great moments and little triumphs, we've all gone through.

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