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Date Posted: 10:34:29 07/27/01 Fri
Author: Shi'en
Subject: Re: An appraisal
In reply to: Lawrence 's message, "An appraisal" on 05:32:09 07/27/01 Fri

Lawrence, I have to apologise for what happened today during our Lit Lesson. Dio went to the toilet and Claire, You and I were waiting for him…then when you suddenly told me that you intended to post a very long message here (and you did), I replied with no words but just that nonchalant and indifferent look. Then you said that “Shi’en, in a few months time, when I see you, I’ll just be saying “Hi” and you, too, will just say “Hi” and walk away…” and I replied, “There’s nothing much I can do…”

I am sorry that I did not have to confidence to rebuke you and say that such things will never happen. I am not confident of anything. I am not even sure of myself. So how can I reassure you things that I do not know will happen or not. It is not that I don’t want to but simply, simply because I can’t.

If you know how I am feeling these few days, you will understand that such pessimism within me is justified. I am not very sure of what I am feeling. But I just know that there are just something which I want to do, without any special reasons, but simply the feeling “wanting to do” them.

For the past two days, in fact, after the KTV session on Wednesday, I have decided that I will not get any closer to any of my teammates anymore. I don’t know why. Maybe it because of the fear of getting close to you people, the fear of knowing you all like friends-that-will-never-part but which will part soon and eventually. I don’t want to feel that kind of loss, the pain of losing our friendships that I choose to alienate myself from you all –not going to the pull-up bar and OUR canoeist’s bench…I endured all loneliness myself for two days. I promised that nobody will see me in school unless, it is by chance, by luck, by fate or by anything you want to put it. I will not, willingly on my part, wish to see any of you all. I don’t like the feeling of momentary physical closeness that cannot last forever. I don’t like to part as great friends. I don’t like parting at all.

I went into hiding.

I thought perhaps homework and academic stuffs will distract my thoughts of you all. Well it works. But not for long. For the first time in these one and a half years, I slept at 3 am and woke up early in the morning at 6am. It is only 3 hours of sleep(Tuesday night, after Dinner at Coro). Yes, 3 hours only and the next day I went KTV with you guys until very late, feeling kind of strange, cos’ I was so refreshed and so alert. You guys meant so much to me, that being with you guys for a moment takes so much of my attention that every seconds is precious to me. Perhaps that’s why I am so alert? Or maybe I am just energetic, even with 3 hours of sleep.

Thus far, I may sound contradictory. Be with you guys. Don’t want to be with you guys. So what’s wrong with me? Fear, I supposed. Such fear is so disturbing that I cannot concentrate when I was reading my Great Expectation. While my eyes are on the text, my mind is not in it. I will go thinking about friendship, loss of friendship, those past happy moments, those water training, while flipping the pages and deceiving myself that I have read them.

Lawrence, there is really nothing greater even if you win NS. You will still be the same you, I will still be the same me. There’s simply no differentiation, not to say, discrimination. Remember: Nobody can look down on you except yourself. Let them say what they want, if it is not true and if you know it yourself, it is redundant to care about what they say. I am from a Yishun Town Secondary School, I came to NJC, people will bound to look down on me and discriminate me for all they want, but it is not going to affect me. All I need is a bit of self-confidence and a little bit more of hardwork. I don’t have to prove to others that I am smart, or stupid, or anything. I am only answerable to myself. If I choose to look down on myself, I wouldn’t be here in the first place, I wouldn’t be here studying with you guys, and have my “best friend in the team” from The Chinese High School.

Have more confidence in yourself, like you have always been, Lawrence.

You don’t have to be strong and win NS to have the qualification to teach your juniors strokes and techniques and stuffs. Look at WeiLi and Kwan Ho. He is one of my favourite senior that I respected. He taught me many things. I guessed I have learnt more from him and Maurice than from Shawn. Really.

So whether you are going back or not, it depends on you yourself.

Just remember that all you need when you teach them something is nothing more that YOUR HEART

Have the heart to teach them, have the sincerity, who will not be appreciative?

Be Strong Lawrence, although it is quite lame having come from the mouth of a cowardy person…

“I was strong. I am strong. And I will be stronger”

Glad to have known you…

Shi’en

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