| Subject: Re: many of us with similar stories |
Author:
Angel
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Date Posted: 22:04:19 02/12/07 Mon
In reply to:
Dreemdanser
's message, "many of us with similar stories" on 14:15:38 02/12/07 Mon
You know it's weird, in a way its good to know that you are not alone but then again it causes great pain that others have gone through the same kind of experiences.
I used to see myself as a coward along with things like useless, stupid, pathetic, weak, I also wasn't "ME" I had lost her a looooooooong time ago at some point in my mid teens. I had been the kinda kid who rebelled against everything, who would fight for what I believed in...I was an environmentalist, anti roads campaigner, anti nuclear campaigner, anti fox hunting(you would see me out with my hunting horn confusing the dogs)I had a mouth and I wasn't afraid to use it!!
At some point I remember an arguement that I had with my mother where she came out and said that I would find it a hard enough job to get a man....thanks mum...so I set out to prove her wrong...thats how I ended up with my ex, he was the first male to show any interest in me so I had done it...from that point on I lost "ME" I lost the fighter that I was, my mouth became silent. After 16 years I have got my voice back, my fight...I'm finally feeling like "ME" again. I'm never told to shut my mouth or anything like that, I am encouraged to speak my mind and I do alot lol. At college last year someone had been making racist comments in my class and whilst everyone sat there quietly allowing comments to go by I opened my mouth and I damn well protested! It's happened a few times since then and now I have the courage to say the things instead of keeping them bottled up.
The only area where I have problems being open is where my mother is concerned, there are many many things that I need to say to her but she has become ill and is confused alot of the time and though I'm my mothers daughter I'm not that nasty.
I am learning to retrieve my life or should I say lives, this has been going on in other lifetimes too, one of these involved my being dragged out of the town where I lived/worked (brothel!)by my hair and shot in the back of the head.
I am also learning to like/love myself...this is a hard one but if I can't do this then I have no hope in shifting this weight that I have accumulated over those years, I guess it was my padding, my protection and my way of hiding.
Above all I have learnt to be my true self and to not let anyone else have control MY life and finally to NOT be a victim.
Love is a wonderful thing and I see that now, I see what love really is and I see how wrong I had been but that is in the past, I cannot change what happened there but I can change the affect that it has on the rest of my lives. I stood up for myself and fought for what I believed in...ME!!
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