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Date Posted: 4/07/07 2:59pm
Author: Clive Davenport
Subject: Clive Davenport Recruitment Ltd
Specialist Wanted. Any Field. Must have keen eye for detail and second nature ruthless streak. Diabolical wages but managerial potential zero!
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Re: Clive Davenport Recruitment Ltd -- Tommy (Two-Tonne) Smithe,
4/07/07 7:14pm
Mr. Davenport,
I would like to apply for the position, it has been said I have the very “second nature ruthless streak” you seek. Ever since I was a child people have said I would come to no good and I have lived up to that expectation to my fullest. I do have an eye for detail, just last evening I was enforcing my employers’ wishes and I can say without a doubt there were distinctly 9 snaps from the same bone. I also have no designs on managerial level as I would sorely miss the hands on gratification of my work.
A little about myself; I am 24 years old, weigh 32 stone and stand just slightly less than two meters tall when stooping. I say very little as I find the physical approach works best for me.
You did not mention benefits in addition to the diabolical salary, my present employer has a free burial benefit and also offers the option to disappear should the need arise.
Feel free to contact my present employer, Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq. of
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall for recommendation or Meat Free Chicken Casserole for whom I was a faithful employee for years. I am sure they will provide you with the appropriate references and my list of people skills relating to your position.
Tommy (Two-Tonne) Smithe
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Re: Clive Davenport Recruitment Ltd -- Clive Davenport,
5/07/07 11:58am
Dear Tommy
Having discussed your very fine attributes with my second in command (the tea lady) I think we can offer you employment (on a commission only basis) if that is suitable to you.
To be frank, Mavis did`nt think you was wholly suitable for the job in question but my gut instinct tells me you are not only teachable but highly malipulatable too which is always a major plus-point.
Your first task should you decide to take on the role will be to vist an `old friend` to collect some money that we loaned to him some time ago. Body armor will be supplied of course as well as a taser gun, a bowie knife, surgical gloves and a set of skeleton keys. I assume that from reading your CV you are trained in marshall arts and are at bear minimum ex-sas or ex-para. I am ex-sas myself having served in Northern Ireland during the troubles and Swithins Adventure Holidays Scout Group Cleethorpes during my younger more nimble days (chuckles).
In the first instance please let me know if the post interests you and also of course if you have any relevant questions. Just to add, we expect lots of applications so please act quickly as this will be done on a strictly firct come first served basis.
I remain
Clive Davenport Bsc, BA with Hnrs, MBE, M27.
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Re: Clive Davenport Recruitment Ltd -- Tommy (Two-Tonne) Smithe, 5/07/07 5:59pm
Mr. Davenport,
Since things are slow I would accept your offer on a per job basis depending on my availability. You seem to employ some high tech devices, myself as I mentioned prefer the hands on approach. While not being ex-sas or ex-para (something about mentally unsuitable the recruiter mentioned on my eighteenth birthday) I think I can collect your debt. I cannot see the need for the skeleton keys as I usually just rip the latch off of doors, unless your `old friend` has reinforced his with ballistic steel they would be unnecessary.
Might I keep the Bowie knife, it would make a brilliant addition to my collection of commando daggers and brass knuckles. I’ll be by this evening and we can work out the details.
Tommy
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