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Re: Product Recall: Nuclear Powered Bed Warmer -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq., 5/08/07 9:49am
Ron,
Whatever you do please don’t mention the nature of your “purchase” again, it’s just bad form and could lead to your incarceration in the future. It is a shame that your laudable efforts to rid yourself of your delightful mum-in-law Levida were unsuccessful but we will get to that later.
The Sale of Goods Act 1967 has a few loopholes that most likely would prevent you in the absence of a valid sales receipt from taking them to task so I would count that out.
You could sue the manufacturing firm but China really does not abide by any international laws and they have probably changed the name of the firm three or more times this month.
Now to the meat and potatoes as they say, for a small fee, payable in nearly affordable monthly installments we could arrange for my associates Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije of Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije Ltd. to pay a visit to this Levida and well, er, arrange an accident. You could even select from a pre arranged list of accidents for a slightly higher fee such as, gas cooker exploding, fall from a ladder into the tub w/radio or toaster, spontaneous human combustion (added fee for this one), falls down stairs or the ever favorite of mine slow poisoning.
Let me know what our firm can do to help, we are available to move on a moments notice (with the required down payment and credit check) if this is beyond your means we could have Kneebreaker just go round and “suggest” how a nice extended holiday in Antarctica would do Levida a world of good and add years to her life.
Sincerely,
Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law
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Re: Product Recall: Nuclear Powered Bed Warmer -- Ron Beavis, 6/08/07 8:46pm
Roger
Thank you for the advice regarding my "purchase" as you say,
I won`t mention it again to avoid my possible incarceration.
Yes I did my best where Levida`s concerned but I think she first cottoned on to me in 1976 when she saw me "fixing" her brake pipes. She only just purchased the Morris Minor, it`s true, but my explanation was that I was trying to rescue next door`s cat and the hacksaw was needed to cut him loose. Syvlester being a slippery little "b" managed to dodge me 34 times, the hacksaw slipped and damaged very slightly the brake pipes so it was my duty to attempt to repair them I think you`ll agree.
You say: "For a small fee, payable in nearly affordable monthly installments we could arrange for my associates Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije of Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije Ltd. to pay a visit to this Levida and well, er, arrange an accident." When you say "a small fee", how small are we talking? I`m a mature student you see and have a lot of bills and habits to upkeep so might I be so audacious as to make an offer of say £15? Alternatively how does 23p per month sound over say 4 months?
With regard to Levida`s exit, to be frank I would rather not know the manner of her demise if it`s ok with you, so long as it`s excruciatingly slow and agonisingly painful. As I say I don`t want to know or be involved in the grand priestesses end but I hear that one can purchase a vat of top quality, high grade, rapid-kill, Romanian acid on ebay for less than half-a-bigmac and I know Levida simply adores a swim but anyway as I say I will leave you to tie up the loose ends if you catch my drift.
Anyway I must dash as I have a plane to catch, thank you in advance for sorting things out for me and maybe we can do "the-business" again in the future freedom permitting.
Sincerely
Ron Beavis
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Re: Product Recall: Nuclear Powered Bed Warmer -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq., 6/08/07 11:14pm
Ron,
Well at least for now you will be miles away from Levida and able to relax. I know the temptation to save money when dealing with an unpleasant situation is always tempting but if you want good results you will have to pay market rates. The a vat of top quality, high grade, rapid-kill, Romanian acid on ebay for less than half-a-bigmac, you mentioned will hardly deliver satisfactory results, it would hardly peel the skin off a rotting cadaver.
It’s a shame your efforts with the Morris Minor repairs were interrupted just when you were so close to success, has anything like this happened since? If Levida is being wary it may add to the cost of the venture as it’s always easiest if things such as this can be done up close and personal rather than in some spectacular manner that might attract attention of the authorities to the exact nature of the accident.
The small fee, payable in nearly affordable monthly installments should not result in your having to do anything more than petty larceny or perhaps the occasional burglary to support your habits.
Sincerely,
Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law
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Spontaneous human combustion is an old and wellproven invention -- Knut Holt, 16/12/13 4:51am
Spontaneous human combustion - Perhaps not so spontaneous after all
By Knut Holt
<a rel=nofollow target=_blank href="http://www.abicana.com">http://www.abicana.com</a>
Spontaneous human combustion is a hypothetidal fenomenon consisting in a person suddenly begins burning by means of ansupposed inner energy. The fenomenon is highly controversial though.
It is a fact, though, that persons or animals sometimes are found dead in a highly burned state, without any apparant external heat source. And sometimes people and animals have been seen spontaneously begin burning or people have experienced it, but got only lesser injuries and can tell about it later. There are still however a lot of possible external energy sources that can explain many of these cases.
In some cases the victim dies or faint out due to other causes, and and an area of his body gets in contact with some heat source at the same time. This source of heat can then dry out the skin at that place of the body of the victim. Then fat can siepe out and begin to burn. Clothes or dry skin can also work as a wick and help pull out more fat that will nourish the fire. Areas around the burning spot will then also dry out and leak fat in the same way, and the fire will then spread to these new areas. In this way the fire can slowly spread to great parts of the body that will then be gradually consumed. This is called the wick effect.
Possible explanations can be ball-lightnings, regular lightnings and discharges from air to ground. One has actually seen ball-ligtnings appearing and approaching people and then set them on fire for some moment before the energy is consumed. Usually the injuries are only moderate and these cases do not get tagged as SHC. But a weak individual might be knocked out and then burn further due to a wick efect. Sometimes the energy content may be greater so that the injury is fatal only from the energy in the ball-lightning, and if the incident is not seen, it will be filed under SHC.These witnessed ball-lighning cases are actually so numerous, that I strongly suspect many of the SHC-cases to have this origin too.
It is interesting that not only living beings suddenly burn this way, but also objects. There was a history in a Norwegian newspaper about a table telephone that mysteriously began burning. It was impossible to estinguish the fire, so it was thrown out in the snow and let burn off. The telephone provider company did not find out the cause of the happening.
There is however still another explanation to be focused on: Some of the offers for SHC may be guinea pigs for experiments with microwave weapons, and some societies may use such weapons to get rid of individuals the authorities do not want to have there.
We know microwave weapons exist that can heat objects or persons at a distance. We know that some variants are already used by police forces for crowd controle, but usually only to cause an extremely unpleasant heat. Probably these weapons can also be used in a much stronger mode that make persons catch fire.
Military laboratories might use selected persons as test objects, and then choose persons that are in a socially weak condition. Such testing can be the cause of many of the spontaneous human and animal combustion cases we read about in news media.
Regards Knut Holt
<a rel=nofollow target=_blank href="http://www.abicana.com">http://www.abicana.com</a>
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