[ Login ] [ Contact Forum Admin ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: [1], 2, 3, 4 ]

---

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Date Posted: 3/08/07 8:03am
Author: Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq. (Wish I thought of it first)
Subject: Re: Product Recall: Nuclear Powered Bed Warmer
In reply to: Meat Free Chicken Casserole 's message, "Product Recall: Nuclear Powered Bed Warmer" on 2/08/07 11:51am

My good MFCC,

I just dredged this out of my spam box, sounds like the bastards who made the bed warmer for you are back in another guise. If nothing else I recognize the copywriting style of their writers as being the same as the “little miss gas cooker” authors.

“China Yuyao Durable electric appliance co.,ltd. mainly produce UV Blacklight, Money Detector, Strobe Lamp, Disco Light, Rainbow Light, Night Light, Stain-Detecting Blacklight, Germicidal Light, led night light, light house night and Dynamo LED Flashlight. The total annual products output is over 3,000,000 sets. Company owns a group of professional technique and management persons, advanced production and integrated testing equipment, develop "DURABLE" brand. Most of the products, led night light, light house night have gotten UL, GS, CE and RoHS certificates.”

I can bet that their products all have the same instructions as the KZ-4X , the last phrase of their advert “night have gotten UL, GS, CE and RoHS certificates”, would certainly indicate the blatant use of misspellings to confuse you into thinking these devices have been approved by some responsible agency. The part about “Company owns a group of professional technique and management persons” also indicates their willingness to engage in the slave trade for profit.


Sincerely,

Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

---

Replies:

[> [> Re: Product Recall: Nuclear Powered Bed Warmer -- Ron Beavis, 4/08/07 11:31pm

Roger

I will be honest by stating from the outset that I "stole" one of the acclaimed Nuclear Powered Bed Warmers from a very well know DIY store who shall remain nameless but is an anagram of "Taxes".

Having followed the extensive assembly intructions to the letter I carefully placed the Nuclear Powered Bed Warmer beneath my mother-in-law`s reinforced bed but to my complete and utter dismay the old battle-axe is still walking the earth!

Now, under the Sale of Goods Act 1967, it clearly states that if an item, device, or thing, does`nt do "as described on the tin" (more or less) one can either demand a refund + 20%, at the outlet concerned, or, ask for an exchange for a newer model if applicable.

I too was hoodwinked by the plethora of UL, GS, CE and RoHS certificates etc. Blowing my own trumpet i`m very meticulous when it comes to purchasing items such as Nuclear Powered Bed Warmers, Atomic Kettles, Plutonic Egg Whisks and other similar everyday utensils but in this instance, due to the fact that I "forgot-to-pay" for the item in question I had to make a sharp getaway if you catch my drift and I did`nt really have time to run it over with a fine toothed comb as would be the norm.

Anyway, based on the above facts do you think that (a) I have a case against the outlet in question? (b) can I sue the Chinese firm that made the Nuclear Powered Bed Warmer? or (c) Should I opt for another form of "euthanasia" for Levida, the delight that is my mother-in-law?

Yours sincerely and Without prejudice
Ron "Snatcher" Beavis

[ Edit | View ]

---

[> [> [> Re: Product Recall: Nuclear Powered Bed Warmer -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq., 5/08/07 9:49am

Ron,

Whatever you do please don’t mention the nature of your “purchase” again, it’s just bad form and could lead to your incarceration in the future. It is a shame that your laudable efforts to rid yourself of your delightful mum-in-law Levida were unsuccessful but we will get to that later.

The Sale of Goods Act 1967 has a few loopholes that most likely would prevent you in the absence of a valid sales receipt from taking them to task so I would count that out.

You could sue the manufacturing firm but China really does not abide by any international laws and they have probably changed the name of the firm three or more times this month.

Now to the meat and potatoes as they say, for a small fee, payable in nearly affordable monthly installments we could arrange for my associates Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije of Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije Ltd. to pay a visit to this Levida and well, er, arrange an accident. You could even select from a pre arranged list of accidents for a slightly higher fee such as, gas cooker exploding, fall from a ladder into the tub w/radio or toaster, spontaneous human combustion (added fee for this one), falls down stairs or the ever favorite of mine slow poisoning.

Let me know what our firm can do to help, we are available to move on a moments notice (with the required down payment and credit check) if this is beyond your means we could have Kneebreaker just go round and “suggest” how a nice extended holiday in Antarctica would do Levida a world of good and add years to her life.


Sincerely,

Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law

[ Edit | View ]

[> [> [> [> Re: Product Recall: Nuclear Powered Bed Warmer -- Ron Beavis, 6/08/07 8:46pm

Roger

Thank you for the advice regarding my "purchase" as you say,
I won`t mention it again to avoid my possible incarceration.

Yes I did my best where Levida`s concerned but I think she first cottoned on to me in 1976 when she saw me "fixing" her brake pipes. She only just purchased the Morris Minor, it`s true, but my explanation was that I was trying to rescue next door`s cat and the hacksaw was needed to cut him loose. Syvlester being a slippery little "b" managed to dodge me 34 times, the hacksaw slipped and damaged very slightly the brake pipes so it was my duty to attempt to repair them I think you`ll agree.

You say: "For a small fee, payable in nearly affordable monthly installments we could arrange for my associates Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije of Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije Ltd. to pay a visit to this Levida and well, er, arrange an accident." When you say "a small fee", how small are we talking? I`m a mature student you see and have a lot of bills and habits to upkeep so might I be so audacious as to make an offer of say £15? Alternatively how does 23p per month sound over say 4 months?

With regard to Levida`s exit, to be frank I would rather not know the manner of her demise if it`s ok with you, so long as it`s excruciatingly slow and agonisingly painful. As I say I don`t want to know or be involved in the grand priestesses end but I hear that one can purchase a vat of top quality, high grade, rapid-kill, Romanian acid on ebay for less than half-a-bigmac and I know Levida simply adores a swim but anyway as I say I will leave you to tie up the loose ends if you catch my drift.

Anyway I must dash as I have a plane to catch, thank you in advance for sorting things out for me and maybe we can do "the-business" again in the future freedom permitting.

Sincerely

Ron Beavis

[ Edit | View ]

[> [> [> [> [> Re: Product Recall: Nuclear Powered Bed Warmer -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq., 6/08/07 11:14pm

Ron,

Well at least for now you will be miles away from Levida and able to relax. I know the temptation to save money when dealing with an unpleasant situation is always tempting but if you want good results you will have to pay market rates. The a vat of top quality, high grade, rapid-kill, Romanian acid on ebay for less than half-a-bigmac, you mentioned will hardly deliver satisfactory results, it would hardly peel the skin off a rotting cadaver.

It’s a shame your efforts with the Morris Minor repairs were interrupted just when you were so close to success, has anything like this happened since? If Levida is being wary it may add to the cost of the venture as it’s always easiest if things such as this can be done up close and personal rather than in some spectacular manner that might attract attention of the authorities to the exact nature of the accident.

The small fee, payable in nearly affordable monthly installments should not result in your having to do anything more than petty larceny or perhaps the occasional burglary to support your habits.

Sincerely,

Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law

[ Edit | View ]

[> [> [> [> Spontaneous human combustion is an old and wellproven invention -- Knut Holt, 16/12/13 4:51am

Spontaneous human combustion - Perhaps not so spontaneous after all
By Knut Holt
<a rel=nofollow target=_blank href="http://www.abicana.com">http://www.abicana.com</a>

Spontaneous human combustion is a hypothetidal fenomenon consisting in a person suddenly begins burning by means of ansupposed inner energy. The fenomenon is highly controversial though.

It is a fact, though, that persons or animals sometimes are found dead in a highly burned state, without any apparant external heat source. And sometimes people and animals have been seen spontaneously begin burning or people have experienced it, but got only lesser injuries and can tell about it later. There are still however a lot of possible external energy sources that can explain many of these cases.

In some cases the victim dies or faint out due to other causes, and and an area of his body gets in contact with some heat source at the same time. This source of heat can then dry out the skin at that place of the body of the victim. Then fat can siepe out and begin to burn. Clothes or dry skin can also work as a wick and help pull out more fat that will nourish the fire. Areas around the burning spot will then also dry out and leak fat in the same way, and the fire will then spread to these new areas. In this way the fire can slowly spread to great parts of the body that will then be gradually consumed. This is called the wick effect.

Possible explanations can be ball-lightnings, regular lightnings and discharges from air to ground. One has actually seen ball-ligtnings appearing and approaching people and then set them on fire for some moment before the energy is consumed. Usually the injuries are only moderate and these cases do not get tagged as SHC. But a weak individual might be knocked out and then burn further due to a wick efect. Sometimes the energy content may be greater so that the injury is fatal only from the energy in the ball-lightning, and if the incident is not seen, it will be filed under SHC.These witnessed ball-lighning cases are actually so numerous, that I strongly suspect many of the SHC-cases to have this origin too.

It is interesting that not only living beings suddenly burn this way, but also objects. There was a history in a Norwegian newspaper about a table telephone that mysteriously began burning. It was impossible to estinguish the fire, so it was thrown out in the snow and let burn off. The telephone provider company did not find out the cause of the happening.

There is however still another explanation to be focused on: Some of the offers for SHC may be guinea pigs for experiments with microwave weapons, and some societies may use such weapons to get rid of individuals the authorities do not want to have there.

We know microwave weapons exist that can heat objects or persons at a distance. We know that some variants are already used by police forces for crowd controle, but usually only to cause an extremely unpleasant heat. Probably these weapons can also be used in a much stronger mode that make persons catch fire.

Military laboratories might use selected persons as test objects, and then choose persons that are in a socially weak condition. Such testing can be the cause of many of the spontaneous human and animal combustion cases we read about in news media.

Regards Knut Holt
<a rel=nofollow target=_blank href="http://www.abicana.com">http://www.abicana.com</a>

[ Edit | View ]

---

---

---

[ Contact Forum Admin ]

---

Forum timezone: GMT+0 VF Version: 3.00b, ConfDB: Before posting please read our privacy policy. VoyForums(tm) is a Free Service from Voyager Info-Systems. Copyright © 1998-2019 Voyager Info-Systems. All Rights Reserved.