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Date Posted: 23/08/07 9:54pm
Author: Kevin Langstrom
Subject: Re: Pets are lazy buggers
In reply to: Malcolm Broswell 's message, "Re: Pets are lazy buggers" on 23/08/07 2:41pm

I thought that Timmy was the Lord Mayor of Lancaster, well that could be a sticky wicket since he performed my cousin Alice’s wedding ceremony last year. Best not to say anything I suppose as they way things are going with her and Nigel I don’t expect it to last anyway. I should have had my duck perform the ceremony but he was nervous and had not received his “minister” kit yet with the gilt edged certificate and wallet card.

As second in command of the Lancaster PDSA I trust your cousin Gerty will not try and enter Timmy in the OAP survey with an eye of favoritisms. I hope that Timmy’s shell is all right they take so long to mend.

Kevin Langstrom

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Replies:

[> [> [> [> Re: Pets are lazy buggers -- Malcolm Broswell, 25/08/07 9:44pm

Kevin

Yes a lot of people mistakingly believe Timmy`s the actual Mayor of Lancaster, he`s that good at the role. Timmy informed me in great detail how your cousin Alice`s wedding went. Apart from the mass brawl at the end involving the women of both camps it went terrificly according to Timmy`s account.

It`s a shame your duck was a bit nervous as i`m sure he would have least been as good if not better than Timmy. If Timmy has but one fault he`s slightly slow on the uptake and has a bit of a temper especially when things don`t go the way he wants. I once saw Timmy batter a centipede senseless with a stick of celery for not carrying out his orders in the correct fashion.

I must apologise to you regarding my last message by the way, that "Timmy`s shell was playing him up" I read Gerty`s text message wrongly i`m afraid, she meant to say
"Timmy`S HELL to live with. That`s the trouble with texting, one letter adrift or amiss and one can misinterpret the message completely.

Anyway we are always looking for donations here at the PDSA.
Please be assured a large percentage of the donations go towards the admin as you can guess (we all have our large limousines and country mansions to upkeep) but you have my assurance that any amount however small, but not too small, will be gratefully received.

I remain

Malcolm Broswell
PDSA 2nd in Command (Pre-election)

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[> [> [> [> [> Re: Pets are lazy buggers -- Kevin Langstrom, 26/08/07 11:40am

Malcolm,

Glad to hear Timmy is not damaged in any way, damned texting, gave it up a year ago since I could never understand the verbiage all that UB, CUltr, Lnk I could never get it. The worst was when I had an accident in the kitchen with the carving knife; I called the physician and got Voice mail instructing me to text a message to his number for immediate help. Well I sent this; kut of finger ned call soon. The cheeky bastard sent a text back saying he was having a nice roast and did not want any finger whatever that was, and who the hell do you think you are Ned disturbing me at dinner? Well several hours later after waiting for emergency care and loosing a pint or two I took the cell and stomped it into oblivion in the lobby.

Alice’s wedding went alright for the most part it was only after she threw the bouquet that things got dicey, I don’t know where her maid of honor was concealing the shotgun under the taffeta but in mid-flight Hortense blew the bouquet into a thousand pieces and that is when the flower girls went on the rampage. Lucky I had already left the reception as Nigel’s best man was trampled and lost his spleen. It could have been me!

I haven’t said anything to Alice yet about Timmy, my duck has a whole new confidence since he received the gilt edged certificate and wallet card and I thought I would suggest a “renewal of vows” with my duck officiating since he has the credentials. That way nobody would be the wiser and the family would not have to know about the past years situation. I will make it a point to not invite Hortense to this event, not after the incident last year.

I can understand your needs as 2nd in command of the PDSA what with the lifestyle to maintain to keep up good appearances. Wish I could donate to your election fund but I am a little tapped out at the moment, paying for the damages from the wedding and working two jobs.


Kevin Langstrom

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[> [> [> [> [> [> Re: Pets are lazy buggers -- Sargeant Daphne Reynolds, 26/08/07 9:46pm

Dear Broswell and Langstrom

I act on behalf of the RPSCA and in my official capacity hereby formally warn you both that you are under arrest for bringing the animal kingdom which as you are aware includes ALL pets into disrepute and extreme danger.

You are required to hand yourselves in forthwith at your nearest police station where you will be detained until myself and a colleague can interview you both under caution whereupon charges will be made against you later.

I must also warn you that failure to attend the police station can and will result in a warrant for your arrest by armed police and you could also be charged with absconding from custody or the more serious charge of conspiracy to evade police whilst knowingly or unknowingly being involved for a category ten ultra-serious offence.

Please do yourselves a favour and give yourselves up immediately.

Sargeant Daphne Reynolds
Luton RSPCA

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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> Re: Pets are lazy buggers -- Malcolm Broswell, 26/08/07 10:04pm

Sargeant Daphne

I don`t like to snitch but Kevin Langstrom contacted me via this board after I wrote a message promoting the good care of animals. Kevin said that he despised animals particularly pets and I just went along with it. He (Langstrom) said how he thought that all pets were lazy gits, that they were good for nothing and were workshy layabouts who should be forced to work "like us humans have to" in his words.

In my defence I can only say that I have always loved animals and in fact i`m the proud owner of a pack of wolves which I feed live chickens to on a daily basis. That sums me up really.

I do hope you will understand my plight and accordingly look forward to your earliest reply.

Very sincerely

Malcolm Broswell
Pet-lover and regular RSPCA donater

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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> Re: Pets are lazy buggers -- Kevin Langstrom, 27/08/07 12:43am

My Good Sergeant Daphne Reynolds,


I am a regular contributor to the Luton RSPCA as you should well know, you have on many occasions come by to pick up the cheque for £ 500 that I issue on a bi-weekly basis made out to cash. I am sure you recall the arraignment we made and will take due consideration of this as your driving over to arrest Broswell. I have been stringing him along in the hopes that your computer security task force would ferret him out. Daphne is there a reward possible, not that I would keep it mind you but rather donate it back to the RSPCA and PDSA Lancaster branch, less a small processing fee of course.

Bless the birds and the beasts,
Kevin Langstrom
Animal lover and contributor without equal to both the RSPCA and PDSA.

PS- Are we still on for Tuesday?

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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> Re: Pets are lazy buggers -- Sargeant Daphne Reynolds, 27/08/07 9:59pm

Kevin

Please disregard my previous message with reference to your good-self. I did`nt realise you were a regular contributor to the RSPCA funds so we will overlook your criminal activities on this occasion but don`t do it again.. (grins:-).

Taking the above into account I take it you will be willing to stand as a prosecution witness in the eventual guilty-verdict-by-special-arrangement trial of Broswell.
We will be recommending a 30 year term for Broswell but anticpate he will be given a slap on the wrists and an ASBO to boot.

Regarding the question of a reward, that`s extrmely kind of you, please send it by recorded to delivery to my address which you have of course.

Tuesday will be fine but please remember to bring the chain and manacles. I will make the usual excuse to him indoors.

Regards

Sargeant Daphne Reynolds
A dog`s not just for Christmas, they`re nice to munch anytime of the year!

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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> Re: Pets are lazy buggers -- Kevin Langstrom, 28/08/07 12:13am

My dearest Daphne,

I had thought for a moment that our arraignment was over, silly me I know how committed you are to your work. I already have the usual “toys” in the boot and was wondering should I bring the ostrich feathers and the trailer mounted vibrating pavement compactor you have been so keen to try? Will he be occupied as usual with the rearranging of the stamp collection or should I call for some Jehovah’s witnesses to pay a visit to keep him occupied during our tryst? If you can bring a can of petrol for the compacting machine, I’ll fill it up before Tuesday but it does burn a lot and we may need to refuel before we are ready to finish.

As for testifying against Broswell I have already had an affidavit signed and sealed sent to your office, of course if I need to appear in person that would be alright but I think the contents of my documents should put him away for better than 40 years without the need for an ASBO!

Looking forward to our next meeting and I almost forgot to mention I have the ferrets worked up to a fever pitch since I know you like them that way.

Toodles,

Kevin

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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> Re: Pets are lazy buggers -- Sargeant Daphne Reynolds, 29/08/07 6:56pm

Dear Kevin

I don`t wish to sound course but after our 3 month vacation come-shag-a-thon camping holiday to the Shetland Isles I thought you had grown tired of me. Whatsmore your wife informed me that since you had the pacemaker fitted the Surgeon Professor Jalalabadcad recommended under no circumstances should you get over-excited but your needs are a must I guess so how about this Friday 8p/m at my place? You can bring the ostrich feathers, the usual "toys" as you mentioned and the trailer mounted vibrating pavement compactor. I can arrange for the articulated lorry load of rhino, maxi-girth licorice flavoured condoms if you can just bring the flannel and handcuffs that will keep us busy for a while I think you`ll agree.

I have already taken care of him indoors. There`s live cribbage on this Friday on Sky Sports One and i`ve grounded down the sleeping pills and made him a nice "coctail" which i`m sure he`ll lap up to his hearts content. He may not come round for a few days but no one will notice.

Thanks for doing the done thing with Broswell. I`ve got a friend in the Home Office who can tie up the loose ends if you catch my drift.

Passionately & Infinitely Yours
Sargeant Daphne Reynolds

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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> Re: Pets are lazy buggers -- Kevin Langstrom, 30/08/07 5:37pm

My Dearest Daphne,

Those three months in the Shetland Isles are forever burned into my memory. My only regret is that we had to cut it short after that nasty business with the Anglican Church tour group, the pony and the otter. As for my wife, I had to tell here something so I concocted the pacemaker story and the good “Surgeon Professor Jalalabadcad” was kind enough to go along with the ruse for a few quid. As a matter of fact he not a surgeon at all, I found him waiting for the bus and struck up a conversation wherein I discovered he was in fact an out of work fishmonger. He was so good in his role that the old Sow hasn’t tried to get amorous since for fear my having another “attack”. I’ll be by Friday and wait for your signal that he is sufficiently tranquillized. Perhaps we can have a romp on the billiard table in his study again but forgo the spike heels this time so as not to damage the felt.

Counting the seconds and hoping the industrial strength Viagra arrives in today’s post.

Kevin Langstrom
Trolley Motorman and collector of rare sardine tins

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