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Date Posted: 15/02/08 1:31pm
Author: Fred Dinsdale
Subject: Re: New Kinda Nigerian Scam..
In reply to: Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq. 's message, "Re: New Kinda Nigerian Scam.." on 15/02/08 12:54am

Roger

I am glad you agree that I wasn`t a fool to send off the $168 but I see your point regarding the possibility of the currency being damaged in transit and I wish I had thought of it first. Alas I suspect my money has disappeared down the drain.

I suspect that you think I would be more suited to more "strong arm" types of endeavours because might I be so bold as to say you think I am slightly lacking in the brain cell department? On a similar note did you know that scientists who tested 300 pro boxers found that the most intelligent was a gentleman by the name of Archie "Frenzied-Fists" Fitzimmons who boxed during the 60`s. Archie, it`s said, had an IQ of 73 but was still twice as bright as Maurice McMarnaman who came bottom of the pile in the intelligence stakes and was as dumb as they come. "Big Mo" as he was known, could barely add 6 and 6 together to make 10.

Taking all of the above into account I hope you don`t mind but I would like to set some questions for you to test your suitability as an employer. Please see below:-

(1)
Will the so called "strong arm" activities involve any manner of violence?

(2)
Will the entrance test involve gladiator fighting or similar?

(3)
Why "Midnight at the docks" why not Midday. We can see each other better?

(4)
Will I have to work 1 years notice and be paid annually like in my last job?

(5)
What will be the perks of the job in question. Will I for example be entitled to a company car and be able to examine the logbook and insurance and brakes beforehand?

(6)
Will I be entitled to life insurance in case my life gets terminated - let`s say by a nasty accident?

Anyway that`s about it. Once you have answered the above questions and I am satisfied that all is above board we can discuss wages and holiday entitlements etc. Many thanks.

Fred Dinsdale

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Replies:

[> [> [> [> [> [> [> Re: New Kinda Nigerian Scam.. -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq., 15/02/08 8:26pm

Fred,

I would never say I thought you lacking in brain cells, your efforts at the abbreviated Nigerian Scam shows that you put a lot of thought into it. It’s just I am in need of someone of your caliber in my organization and I believe each person in my employ should learn the business from the ground up so to say.

The entrance test will not involve gladiator fighting but you may be asked to move a large parcel from Kneebreakers Cadillac and use the firms Zodiac boat to deliver it to international waters. You don’t perchance have any credentials, say an Anti-Social Behaviour Act 2003 order issued in the past year. When I employed Kneebreaker nephew Ronni last year after his ASBO I was delighted in his willingness to follow orders.

As for our pre-employment screening let me address your concerns. I prefer to never resort to violence unless required.For a myriad of reasons our operations are always conducted at midnight, too many prying eyes during the day. You will be paid per task and handsomely I might add, all we ask is you keep to yourself about what it is you are asked to do. You will have access to the company cars and it is recommended that you thoroughly examine any vehicle you are planning on operating which would include the brake lines, a check under the bonnet for tampering or misplaced explosives and a quick look underneath for attached explosives or tracking devices. We have a comprehensive package of benefits during your service and in the event of a fatal accident you can rest assured all expenses and benefits will be paid as you designate upon employment.

I hope that I have answered your questions satisfactorily, we can discuss anything else after you have deposited the parcel in international waters, please dress warmly as it gets cold that time of night on the open seas. If you have a wetsuit and SCUBA gear you might want to bring it as sometimes you might want to go under the boat if the harbor patrol comes snooping.


Sincerely,

Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law

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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> Re: New Kinda Nigerian Scam.. -- Fred Dinsdale, 16/02/08 2:07pm

Roger

Thank you for your kind words..

I am so pleased to hear the the entrance test won`t involve gladiator fighting. I am not a coward but I happen to have an allergy to metals that come into contact with my skin you see. The Doctors call it pigmentosa metallicaso I believe.
It runs in our family apparently, my father had the affliction and he was`nt a coward either.

With regard to the large parcel may I ask what the parcel will contain and will the powder be well contained as we don`t want any mishaps I think you will agree?

I must say that I appear made for this role as I do indeed have an ASBO against me, although I must also say it was a complete fit-up as I never nicked none of the stash they said I did but in any case, yes, I am pleased to report I do have a current ASBO and a tag to boot.

I shall be delighted to carry out my alloted "tasks" at Midnight and I think I am right that this will entail a lot of thrashing around in the dockside waters. I do not have any SCUBA gear but there is a skindiving shop near where we live that has a very mediocre alarm system so the rest is a mere formality.

One thing you didn`t mention Roger was the salary.. I take it I will be getting one? I don`t wish to be pushy but we have a lot of bills to pay.. the mortgage, HP on the cars, the rental fee on the holiday home in Bermuda etc etc.
I am delighted to hear that you will have me insured against accidental death and such like so that if the worst came to the worst my wife Gerty our 11 kids and my 3 mistresses will be well looked after.

I would just like to close by thanking you form the bottom of my heart for being so kind as to offer me employment.
I can assure you I won`t let you down and I always make an effort to tidy up after myslef if you catch my drift.

Sincerely and Kind regards

Fred Dinsdale

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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> Re: New Kinda Nigerian Scam.. -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq., 16/02/08 6:12pm

Fred,

Welcome to the firm, I remind you again to keep things to yourself. Your speculation about powder in the parcel is exactly what I meant. Let us suffice to say, just to fulfill your curiosity this one time you will not be making a delivery but rather disposing of the parcel and it is vitally important that it is in international waters. Other than that all I can say is the parcel is about the size of a greengrocer and similar weight not counting the added scrap iron to assure it plummets to the bottom of the sea floor.

While I am impressed by your resourcefulness in obtaining the scuba gear, I am enclosing an advance expense allowance which I expect you to use to actually buy the scuba gear with and return the receipts for accounting purposes. It would be of no benefit to either of us if you were to be incarcerated and unable to perform your task.

I am sure you will be more than satisfied with the salary and will find it more than sufficient to support Gerty, the 11 kids and three mistresses. As a matter of fact you will no longer need to rent the holiday home in Bermuda as our firm has a lovely Villa in the Cayman’s you can use free of charge.

My associates Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije of Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije Ltd. will be accompanying you in Zvonimir’s Sikorsky helicopter flying under the radar. This is just to provide added security and assure you reach international waters, and Vladimer will launch a flare indicating the drop off point.


Sincerely,

Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law

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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> Re: New Kinda Nigerian Scam.. -- Fred Dinsdale, 19/02/08 1:38pm

Roger

It`s great to be onboard. Don`t worry about keeping things a secret, I have been sworn to secrecy in the past and only spoke with the neighbours and her indoors about it so our secret will be safe as the saying goes.

I am itching to know exactly what this powder is we keep talking about. My wife reckons it is probably an expensive talcum powder or something and having done the math she estimates the greengrocer-sized-parcel to be worth about £5.2 million?

Sorry to be pushy about the salary but there has been no precise mention about how much I will be getting. It really would be nice if you could pinpoint how much my salary will be.

Please elaborate when you say My associates Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije of Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije Ltd. will be accompanying you in Zvonimir’s Sikorsky helicopter flying under the radar. This is just to provide added security and assure you reach international waters, and Vladimer will launch a flare indicating the drop off point. I take it I will be leaping out of the helicopter James Bond style. Sounds very exciting..

So, if you would kindly get back to me when you can regarding my salary I would very much appreciate it. To be truthful the wife has been badgering me to find out, saying we have lots of bills to pay etc so please let me know how much the salary will be ASAP. Many thanks.

Kindest regards

Fred Dinsdale

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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> Re: New Kinda Nigerian Scam.. -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq., 20/02/08 12:37am

Fred,

You seem to be a bright chap, I thought it was clear that there was no “powder” involved and it was a disposal not a delivery. You may have noticed that O’Brien the greengrocer’s has been shuttered for the past fortnight, that is unless you shop elsewhere. While the signage on the door indicates he was called away to Galloway to tend to a sick relative, let me assure you he is not coming back. The nerve of O’Brian to call himself a greengrocer and supply rotted produce for my staff party, well need I say more.

You will NOT be flying with my associates Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije of Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije Ltd. As a matter of fact no one is allowed to board their craft not even myself, truthfully having watched their acrobatics there is nothing that would induce me to go with them.

Since O’Brian is becoming an, err, should I say a “storage problem” we need to act with haste and complete your task. So I will expect you at the docks at Midnight tonight to take care of this.

The salary as I mentioned is handsome and you and your dear wife Gerty will not be disappointed I am sure it will exceed your expectations.

Sincerely,

Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law

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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> Re: New Kinda Nigerian Scam.. -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq., 20/02/08 11:55am

MEMO:

Miss Jones,

Please inform my associates Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije of Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije Ltd. that tonight at midnight they should collect a Mr. Fred Dinsdale and escort him and the parcel to international waters for disposal. Please make it clear to Vladimer that under no circumstance should Mr. Fred Dinsdale return, I know they have a special bond with the Zodiac but it may be necessary to strafe the craft in order to assure the security of our firm and make it clear I will personally replace the Zodiac with a current model if theirs is destroyed in the operation.

Also please make out a check payable to Mrs. Gerty Dinsdale for £ 10,000 as she requested.

Sincerely,

Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law

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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> Re: New Kinda Nigerian Scam.. -- Reginald Arbuthnot, 26/02/08 3:40pm

Hello

I thought it my duty to bring your notice a scam artist by the name of Seamus O`Flacherty who appears to be doing the e-mail rounds at the moment. Please read the e-mail below that I recently received from this charleton.

Begins:-
Well Elo there and how are we on this foin day?

My great uncle Finnius has left me 2 USD but oi need $467,000.00 to retrive the dough from the bank where its hat.

Will yur be koind enough to ship me the monies Asap loike, dat way oi can witdraw the dough and mabee send a few buks your way? Mabee not lokie but in fur a peni as dur sayen gose loike!

Answer me kwik loik becus dis emales going out tu allover loike so be huryin now won`t ya nowe.

Oi remane, sInceeerly

Seamus O`Flacherty
Irish Entropenure and Luver of the Irish Whisky loike
Ends

Well I hope you will agree with me that this guy comes from a refreshingly different angle, but my dilemma is, how should he die by bullet or rope?

Regards

Reginald Arbuthnot
Bat enthusiast

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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> Re: New Kinda Nigerian Scam.. -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq., 26/02/08 10:16pm

Reginald,

You present an interesting dilemma, bullet or rope?

While either will indeed bring the result you seek you may want to go for a more "hands on" approach, might I suggest a garrote it's quite, unlike bulets and there is no need to find a sturdy tree limb or street lamp. Not that I have any first hand knowledge of these sort of things mind you. I might also suggest not using too thin of a wire lest Seamus O`Flacherty loose his head. I think you'll agree it would be best if the remains were identified so as the send a message to others who may seek to try a similar scam.



Sincerely,

Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law

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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> Re: New Kinda Nigerian Scam.. -- Reginald Arbuthnot, 27/02/08 3:57pm

Roger

Sounds certainly worth pursuing. Sorry to be blunt but do you know, or maybe employ someone suitably burly and vicious-natured enough to perform such a task? I`d ask the mother-in-law but she`s a bit tied up at the moment overseas. An all expenses paid trip by me. I`ve heard the caves of Sicily have a certain charm this time of year:-).

I was thinking maybe Mr Kneebreaker would be a suitable candidate. If the name is anything to go by i`m sure he would make sure a thorough job is done and don`t worry too much about the evidence, I have an uncle who owns a pig farm in Scotland.

Please let me know by return if my plan sounds feasible, then perhaps we can discuss a verbal contract, fees involved
and whether uncle McDougal would need to be disposed of to tie up any loose ends after dear Seamus is taken care of.

I look forward to hearing from you and you have my word that I won`t mention this to anyone else.

Regards

Reginald Arbuthnot

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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> Re: New Kinda Nigerian Scam.. -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq., 27/02/08 6:42pm

Reginald,

Well you certainly seem single-minded in your desire to take care of Seamus, and the pig farm in Scotland would be ideal. It’s a shame your mother in law could not do this for you, as I am sure it would benefit you greatly in the future when the shrew started up all it would take is flashing the photographic negatives to quiet her down. Is she a bat fancier also, I wasn’t aware of Sicilian bats?

Mr. Kneebreaker would be delighted to take a trip to Scotland, he was asking if your Uncle McDougal could lay in a supply of single malt for the occasion. In that way there would be no need to “wrap up loose ends” as you say as your uncles memory would be fairly clouded the next day.

One of my other associates Hamidi Azzizi the sausage maker is also interested in your proposal as a matter of fact he suggested your Mother-in-law should be included in the plans. Is there a discreet way you could have the old Sow bundled up and delivered to your uncles pig farm? Hamidi says he would take care of both of them for one low fee and donate the finished product to the local orphans’ home. In that way everyone comes out ahead, you get what you want and Hamidi gets his charitable deduction credits.

Sincerely,

Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law

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