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Date Posted: 6/11/06 10:10am
Author: Mr Twoddly Bobshonks (Furtively furtering)
Subject: Ministory of Domestic Munitions - Product Warning
Here at the Ministry of Domestic Munitions, it has come to our attention that there has been a significant rise in the number of injuries caused by manufacturers resorting to explosives to get the job done faster, rather than engaging in product research.
As of now, the following products should be removed from all stores -
1. Flame On Hair Remover - this product claims to remove all hair instantly, but says nothing about the burns the victim will suffer. In fact tearing off the outer label reveals an inner label that reads "Industrial Strength Flame Thrower for Removing Paint and Smiting Your Enemies".
2. Explode Man - Over Cleaner. This looks suspiciously like a hand grenade and claims to clean your oven. Simple instructions read "Remove pin, throw into oven, close door and run".
3. Shoulder Launched Drain Cleaner - once again a product that looks like a manufacturer has taken an existing weapon and marketed it for domestic use. The instructions read "Move well away from blocked drain. Keep going. Further. Stop. Aim at blocked drain using sight and pull trigger." This product alone is responsible for the demolition of numerous houses, some of them belonging to neighbours.
4. Fly Remover Flame Thrower - This manufacturer barely attempted to disguise the weapon in this case. Hopefully the 40 litre tank of gasoline that has to be lugged around with the weapon will discourage people from using this product - but there will always be a few ...
5. Industrial Vegetable Chopper - nothing more than a turbo prop aircraft engine mounted in a plastic housing, and it doesn't chop vegetables very well. Mostly we get neighbours complaining about noise with this one, though we have had the odd consumer being dragged out of their kitchen and up into the air.
With all of these products we urge caution. Return them to the place of purchase for a full refund immediately.
If you have any experience with these products or wish to warn me about any others, please do so via this forum. We are looking into the KZ-4X, and the the JimbleJammer, but until someone proves they can't do what they say they will its going to be very difficult, and given they tend to go into self preservation mode very easily, even getting close to them is hard.
Twoddly
(PS Still furtering furtively)
(PPS Does anyone have some cream for this furtering rash?)
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Re: Ministory of Domestic Munitions - Product Warning -- Professor Barnswallow (Howler monkey epidemic),
7/11/06 11:03am
My good Mr. Twoddly Bobshonks,
Please do not furtively furter any more, we have a cure for your rash, as mentioned in the previous post "IT" is capable of most everything ! It can remove warts off your eyelids while you sleep, make a prefect cup of coffee in less ten seconds and also remove unwanted tattoos in mere weeks without scars. It’s not surprising that you have not heard of the miracle "IT" is, as a responsible member of society you probably go to bed by 10, no so for the poor unfortunate’s who suffer from late night insomnia and watch our infomercials all night long and call the toll free number.
Let me assure you that "IT" does not emit Gamma rays or flames unless ordered with the "option package" nor will it cause receding hairlines or psoriasis unless you are prone to these already. In laboratory tests mice have shown a 700% increase in sperm production and there is no reason why you could not benefit from this technology. While hair growth on billiard balls has not been fully evaluated by the medical society, it is a leap forward in faith in technology curing the ills of mankind.
To counter your arguments …
1. "IT’s" hair remover does not employ any flammable liquids, it works on gentle microwaves to urge the hair out of your body.
2. "IT’s" oven cleaner does not use hand grenades, IT relies on a patented foaming action to strip "tough oven grease"
3. "IT’s" drain cleaner clearly states "point at clog and pull trigger"
4. "IT’s" "fly-B-gone" only uses DDT a proven pest killer
5. "IT’s" vegetable chopper is manufactured to strict tolerances and is incapable of chopping anything but a small child’s or Asian’s hand
I don’t know why the Ministry of Domestic Munitions is going after our products while there are still others out there like the Manja Sklodowska radium alarm clock, Glockenspiel underpants by BORK and the impending Howler monkey epidemic.
Professor Barnswallow
Senior Sales Representative
Bedbeger International
Industrial Supply Sales
Nottingham Region
PS- Please use the enclosed cream with caution, may cause burning if applied to sensitive areas.
PPS- No known cure for burning sensation, lasts for years.
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