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Date Posted: 12/11/06 6:14pm
Author: Robert MacDonald (Expert in Everything)
Subject: Re: Announce : Furterers Annonymous
In reply to:
Freddy Frimp
's message,
"Announce : Furterers Annonymous" on
12/11/06 2:26am
Dear Freddy,
I am pleased that you have organized a local F.A. chapter and am enclosing some literature to use at your meeting. You may notice that unlike other self help programmes F.A. only has six steps and principals. When our founders Larry and the good Dr. Phil first organized meetings it quickly became apparent as they had read off the original 12 steps, by the sixth the murmuring became nearly deafening and by the ninth step everyone had slinked out of the room. So being pragmatic men they shortened it to six.
Your choice of meeting place seems in keeping with common practice but I should warn you to oil the hinges to the door and check the stairs for loose treads, more than one fledgling meeting has been broken up due to a squeaky hinge or stair tread. You might also unscrew the lamps from any outdoor fixtures to make the meeting place as inviting as possible to the newcomers who surreptitiously arrive.
If you are planning on serving coffee or other refreshments, they should be placed in an out of the way broom closet. That way should anyone be surprised while secretly having a cup they can just say they were looking for the "gents" and save face.
As a furterer yourself, I am sure you are aware to never look anyone in the eye. You should always pretend to be intently studying a water stain on the ceiling or dabbing at an imaginary spot on your trousers. Muttering makes other furterer’s feel comfortable and if they seem to be nervous it’s best to point and exclaim "look there’s a Bald Eagle" (or Penguin, goat or any other unusual animal) as you make your way to the shadows unseen. Foot shuffling also works well, as you already seem to have guessed.
Do not be dismayed if no one actually "recovers" from Furtering, after all that’s just plain silly. Furturing is a disease with NO known cure, the true purpose of F.A. is to practice furturing with like minded individuals in order to better disguise our furturing from the rest of "them". So with that out of the way, here is the standard preamble suggested for F.A. Meetings.
To begin the meeting, the leader should act surprised and mutter "Oh, I didn’t know anyone was here" followed by some foot shuffling, trouser dabbing etc. Someone should read the six principals and steps, making sure their voice trails off to a whisper at the end of each sentence. After that it is up to individual members to slip into the shadows and stealthily sneak out.
Six principals of FA
1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon F.A. unity.
2. The only requirement for F.A. membership is a desire to stop Furturing.
3. Each group has but one primary purpose—to carry its message to the furturer who still suffers.
4. Every F.A. group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.
5. Furturers Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.
6. Furturers Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the F.A. name ought never be drawn into public controversy.
Six Steps of FA
1. We admitted we were powerless over furturing —that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our Furturing.
3. Made a list of all persons we had harmed by furturing, and became willing to make amends to them all.
4. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were furturing promptly admitted it.
5. Sought through prayer and meditation to stop furturing, praying for the power to carry that out.
6. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to furturers, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
I hope this helps insure your success with the first meeting.
Robert MacDonald
Expert in Everything
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Replies:[>
Re: Announce : Furterers Annonymous -- Bruce (watching from the file cabinet),
12/11/06 6:50pm
Freddy,
I saw your announcement "Calling all furterers - the first meeting of Furterers Anonymous will be held this Monday in the dark room under the stairs of the Town Hall store room". I was wondering if the doors would be open early as I prefer to arrive early and disguise myself as a coat rack or hold my arms out pretending to be a window with the curtains drawn. This tends to be a problem should anyone else be there when I arrive.
My furturing is really getting in the way of work and social life, while at the office I often slip through the secret opening in the file cabinet and stay there for hours. Just last week my girlfriend left me after our date, I asked her to meet me at the restaurant and watched her from the shadows till she finally ordered a meal after 2 hours. When I called later she announced she no longer wanted to see me! My only consolation is she didn’t see me.
Bruce
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