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Date Posted: 28/11/06 5:09pm
Author: The Institute Of Gloom (Looking Out For Your Health)
Subject: Frivolously Festive - The New Menace
It has come to our attention here at The Institute Of Gloom that many people are becoming Frivolously Festive. This condition can afflict anyone and manifests itself without warning. Some of the warning signs are "Unhealthy thoughts of Yule Logs", "Roasting Chestnuts", or simply humming Christmas carols or Bing Crosby Christmas songs. If you notice any of these symptoms or a family member/coworker suddenly starts wearing a cardigan with reindeer or trees on it and idly sucking on a meerschaum pipe. Do not approach them but call the local mental health authorities immediately.
Researchers are not sure of the cause of this disease but some believe it may be associated with short hours of daylight in the Northern Hemisphere, however this does not explain outbreaks in the Southern Hemisphere. A more likely explanation is the switch to 24 hour "sounds of the season" programming on radio stations and the influx of imported Asian "decorations" that play unending repetitive jolly tunes. Store clerks are highly susceptible to these and often enter the final stage of the disease where they suddenly turn from Frivolously Festive to homicidal maniacs in a blink of an eye.
If you or someone else happen to begin to feel even slightly festive, doctors recommend immediately move away from the area. Do not induce vomiting! If you cannot leave the store try and find the tyre department or a display of mason trowels as these have been shown to offer at least temporary relief of symptoms. Researchers also suggest placing a pebble in either one or both shoes before leaving the house, this has been shown to be an effective prophylactic agent in the prevention of the disease. Should you not have a pebble handy, thoughts of that puppy you received for Christmas as a child, that was struck by a lorry before new years or choked while eating glass ornaments under the tree may alleviate the symptoms.
The Institute Of Gloom
"Looking Out For Your Health"
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