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Date Posted: 16/11/06 9:01am
Author: Freddy Frimp (Lapsed Reformed Furterer)
Subject: What is Furtering - Your Questions Answered
I have had many questions asking "What is furtering".
Well, to be absolutely crystal clear, furtering is -
1. Using the whole fish and not just the head and gills
2. Wrapping that slice of bacon around your left ankle, or in extreme cases under the chin and behind the ears
3. Not all furterers put their finger in a jar of honey, some use jam and the real sadists use peanut butter
4. Using mayonnaise instead of ranch or thousand island when in the shower
5. Involves odd socks, but only on Saturdays
6. Extreme cases have been known to use lawn mowers
7. Endless loud and unpleasant strained flatulence
So there you go, I don't think I could be any clearer.
Perhaps other furterers would like to write in with their experiences of furtering, anonymously of course.
Freddy
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Replies:[>
Re: What is Furtering - Your Questions Answered -- Frank (not my real name) (finally free for furtering),
16/11/06 6:16pm
Freddy,
It seems that while I thought I was furtively furtering, from your description I was only frivolously furtering. Finally my furtering can be filed under the proper form of furtering. I had feared that my furtering might be false, but I see now the format has finally fit with the furtering. With this fresh focus I can fearlessly move forth and find a way to add some finesse to my feeble furtering.
So I look forward to your finding the time to finesse a final answer as to exactly what type of fish is found to be most suitable for fledgling furterer’s. My first choice of fish would naturally fall to fried flounder, flying fish seem to be the only ones the fishmonger has on Fridays fortunately the fishmonger hands these out for free. So should I fry the flying fish or simply fillet the fish? Sorry to make such a fuss about fish but I fear I will be seen as a failure by my father for using either the wrong fish or frying it rather than the formal fillet’s while focusing on my furtering. Finally I must fess up for furtering in the shower using french dressing, for as long as I can remember I falsely furtererd under the fallacy of french as the formal furtering fashion.
I’ll get to the bacon in my next letter, for now I will fondly thank you for furthering my furtering by this fine fraternity of fellow furterers.
Farewell for now, for I must find a way to fix my fraudulent furtering by Friday.
Frank (not my real name)
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Re: What is Furtering - Your Questions Answered -- Tortured Parents of a teenage furterer,
16/11/06 7:38pm
Freddy,
Thank you for clearing this up, me and the misses had been concerned about the boy. We both thought that since he was 13 it was just experimentation, we even have tried humor dropping comments like "you’ll go blind doing that" and examining the palms of his hands for hair growth. But your notice has opened our eyes, now it’s clear why occasionally whole fish are missing, and explains him sneaking mayonnaise when he goes to take a shower. Frankly me and the misses would rather he were normal and just "spanking the monkey" like others his age rather than this. Since he was 12 the misses has mentioned the odd grease stains on his sock and I often can smell bacon when he is in the room. Just last week we found him in the garden shed with the lawnmower and a dazed expression. As for the flatulence we also thought that was normal for a boy his age. The misses also just confided in me that for the past three years there have been odd finger sized holes in the marmalade from time to time.
We are at our wits end, what should we do? The misses wants to send him to military school but I just read where many of the famous generals were futerers including Admiral Nelson and Fidel Castro. Can you suggest a treatment, perhaps in Switzerland or some other remote place. We just cannot go through another embarrassing episode like the brother-in-laws 2003 incident, the neighbors are just now starting to look our way and give a tiny wave.
Tortured Parents of a teenage furterer
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Furtering cure announced: -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq. (Call today to schedule a cure.),
16/11/06 8:14pm
Furtering cure announced:
Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije of Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije Ltd. are pleased to announce a new venture, a cure for Furtering. While there are "self help" groups for Furtering, many Furterers are either in denial or too ashamed to seek help. While Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije of Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije Ltd. hold no medical licenses or degrees their background uniquely qualifies them to cure furtering in one session.
Zvonimir explains it like this, suppose someone has forgotten a combination or can’t recall where the key is, you could spend countless hours trying to jog their memory or using their method simply hold that persons head in a barrel of used motor oil for a few moments. Sometimes just a ride in their Sikorsky HH-3 while blindfolded will gain cooperation.
There is no need to get the Furterer to seek treatment, simply provide a photograph and where they are likely to be found and Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije of Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije Ltd. will do the rest. Their methods have been well proven in the eastern bloc for decades. Guaranteed results, simple payment plan ("you pay or we collect").
Call today to schedule a cure.
Sincerely,
Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law
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Re: Furtering cure announced: -- Malcolm and Jane Oomphah,
8/12/06 3:31pm
Yo brethren!
Jane and me have been long sufferers of the dreaded furtering curse. Jane caught it off an ex-girlfriend and I in turn caught it whilst on a busman`s holiday in Peking. Here are the symptons that manifested themselves after we`d both caught the lurgy known as `Furtering.`
(1) An aversion to bright lights and dimly lit churchyards.
(Dracula type churchyards particularly nauseating and dreadful).
(2) Coughing fits during the hours of darkness and ash wednesdays.
(3) Bouts of sneezing, then wheezing, then frantic giggling episodes when bog-snorkelling or shoplifting for undies.
(4) Intermittent bouts of yodelling and wretching whilst being beaten on the cranium with an empty cast iron oil drum.
(5) ...
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Re: Furtering cure announced: -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq., 9/12/06 5:07am
My dear Malcolm and Jane Oomphah,
Seems you have particularly virulent case of Furtering, but let me ask a few questions before Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije of Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije Ltd perform their "cure".
First, your aversion to bright lights and dimly lit churchyards, do these occur at the same time? In other words is it just when your in a dimly lit churchyard and see bright lights?
The coughing fits are probably just bird flu, and giggling episodes when bog-snorkeling or shoplifting for undies is common even in persons who do not furter.
Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije of Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije Ltd, provide no warranty expressed or implied that you will not have bouts of yodeling and retching whilst being beaten on the cranium with an empty cast iron oil drum. This is part of the "cure"
Finally, leaving out complete sentences after a (5)… is a symptom of a much advanced case. Additional charges may apply.
Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije of Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije Ltd. will be along shortly to start your treatment.
Should you feel Frivolously Festive, they will also "cure" that!
Sincerely,
Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law
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