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Date Posted: 14/12/06 10:50am
Author: Meat Free Chicken Casserole (dollar signs flashing before eyes)
Subject: Chimney Security Services
Its that time of year and Chimney Security Services moves into overdrive. For some unknown reason our chimney alarms go crazy at this time of year, especially on or around the night of the 24th, depending on which time zone you live in.
Chimney Security Services have been providing families with chimney security devices for years. Amongst our most popular units are -
* Non Lethal Automated Nail Gun - fires hundreds of 2 inch nails at anything that tries to enter by the chimney.
* Non Lethal Napalm Purge System - using large amounts of napalm, purges any chimney of blockages - ignites automatically should someone attempt to enter your house via the chimney.
* Non Lethal Spear Gun - mounted at the bottom of your chimney , fires a 4 foot bolt of depleted uranium up the chimney at anything that attempts to enter your house via the chimney.
* Non Lethal surplus Sidewinder missile - specially modified by us to sit at the bottom of your chimney and fire at anything that attempts to enter your house via the chimney.
As a bonus, for all new customers we are offering a free electrified razor wire unit for your roof and chimney surrounds. Guaranteed to eliminate critter incursion onto your roof.
Merry Christmas everyone
from the staff at Chimney Security Services
(an MFCC business venture)
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Re: Chimney Security Services -- Percival Smith (looking for a recipe for opossum),
14/12/06 5:03pm
Meat Free Chicken Casserole,
I just want to say how pleased I am with CSS and your security products, I recently had the Non Lethal Automated Nail Gun and the Non Lethal Napalm Purge System installed. Last evening around 10 there was a noise on the roof, moments later I heard the clatter of the Automated Nail Gun starting up. The optional extra large capacity spool of nails was well worth the added cost I might add, as it saves a climb up to reload every time. A short time later I did notice some "leakage" dripping down the flue so I activated the manual override on the Non Lethal Napalm Purge System for the recommended 30 seconds, sure enough the dripping stopped.
This morning while retrieving the morning paper I discovered the cause of the activation, lying on the front lawn was the largest opossum I had ever seen. It was neatly pierced with the 2 inch nails and lightly singed by the Non Lethal Napalm Purge System. I would recommend your products and services to all my friends. It sure surpasses the old system I replaced which had only six phosphorus tipped signal flares, and required monthly maintenance.
If you could send a workman around to take a look at the electrified razor wire unit I would be forever grateful since I would not want to void the warranty or risk my life going up there.
Percival Smith
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Re: Chimney Security Services -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq. (Not Nearly Festive),
20/12/06 12:45am
My Good Sir, Meat Free Chicken Casserole,
It has come to my attention that Mr. Twoddly Bobshonks of the Ministry of Domestic Munitions has received some complaints about Chimney Security Services. In particular it seems that the Non Lethal Spear Gun firing a 4 foot bolt of depleted uranium up the chimney at anything that attempts to enter has got his attention. There seem to be a few reports of these bits of depleted uranium showing up in nearby school yards. You might consider removing that particular item from inventory and use for a while. Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije of Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije Ltd. have so far been able to remove the offending depleted uranium to the old zinc mine but report that the shaft is nearly full and the animals around that area are mutating.
But on to my holiday message, so far this year we have had no major incidents since our merger, Anthony Kneebreaker’s Cadillac is still in one piece. I do however regret Bodger and Mr. Di’Atelli’s untimely demise this time last year. Hamidi’s sausage, Second hand food, Panexa™, wax cylinder MP3 players, Hairy Mongolian Political Commentary Sheep, Kind and Caring Problem Solvers profits from the petrol station and froth producing canines solving the Worldwide shortage of cappuccino froth are just a few of our joint accomplishments this year. But I must caution you to look into the matter mentioned above re: Chimney Security Services lest it impact the profits in a negative way.
Sincerely,
Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law
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