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Date Posted: 2/01/07 7:00pm
Author: Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq. (Don’t ask questions and no one gets hurt !)
Subject: New Years liquidation sale
With 2006 behind us now it’s time to clean out the old to make room for our 2007 projects. Bids are being taken on the following items and lots.
1. Large crate of ring tail lemurs - honestly I don’t know where these came from or why we have them.
2. Cadillac, Coup de’ville - 1960 no bullet holes, runs well but may be wanted by police in connection with accident.
3. Lot # 234 - 1 dozen chest freezers / with contents. Still cold but you may have to dispose of the contents discreetly.
4. Zodiac Boat - some minor bullet holes need patching, motor with nitrous oxide boost, camouflage paint.
5. Mixed lot of hand grenades, C4 and various explosive and incendiary devices.
6. Assorted handguns, some used only once. Not recommended for resale due to discrepancies in serial numbers.
7. Model "355" tree chipper, never used on tree limbs, some stains that will wash off, needs hair and teeth removed from cutting rotor.
8. Lot # 876- 55 gallon drums, lids welded shut, contents unknown. Seem to contain a mixture of liquids and solids.
9. Lot # 493- Various nuclear powered appliances, prototypes and parts. Not EU certified, for experimentation only.
10. Contents of storage locker, could contain motor vehicles, weapons or ???
This is only a partial list of items, for a complete catalog of items contact our office or send SASE.
Sincerely,
Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law
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Replies:[>
Re: New Years liquidation sale -- Winstanley Pugwash (distant relative),
4/01/07 9:39pm
Hi,
I`m very interested in lots 2, 7, and 10. I would like to offer £5 cash for the 3 lots or exchange for the foloowing:
1. One rotting Elephant`s corpse, sex unknown.
2. One 14 gallon oil drum, handy if you have 14 gallons of oil without-a-home.
3. A genuine ming dynasty vase; the only one in existence. Will sell seperately for £20 or 3 for £50. Trade enquiries also welcome.
4. A mutilated iguanas buttock (left-side). Taken in P/X for a loanshark debt.
5. One stench ridden loaf of mothers pride bread. 27 years old and reeks to high heaven. Suitable gift for mother-in-law?
6. A glow in the dark torch. Handy if you often have powercuts.
7. Half a fishing rod.
8. One goldfish bowl. Goldy passed away last tuesday. He was 12 and loved chasing foxes.
9. Audio tape of Saddam`s last words. Hear him trading insults with George and Tony - yes they were present, with hoods on - just before he dropped.
10. 386 packets of Obediah`s Winegums.
I look forward to hearing from you..
Regards
Winstanley Pugwash (distant relative)
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Re: New Years liquidation sale -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq. (Pugwash!! No realtion at all, must be someone else),
5/01/07 1:48am
My dear Winstanley,
Pugwash, Pugwash Ah now I remember it seems Great Grandfather had that "indiscretion" the family often whispered about. Well anyway I will not let that stand in the way of commerce. You say you would like lots 2, 7, and 10, well I will take your bid of £5 cash and consider also some of the items in trade. As we already have One rotting Elephant’s corpse, in the skip out back since last year I am afraid that is out of the question. However the stench ridden loaf of mothers pride bread. 27 years old is intriguing. As for the genuine ming dynasty vase; the only one in existence, how many of these "one of a kind" vases can you supply by Tuesday next?
I could really use the 386 packets of Obediah`s Winegums, however if you could find 14 more to include it would supply my entire guest list for dinner next week. Therefore I make you this offer, in exchange for the 1960Cadillac, Coup de’ville, Model "355" tree chipper (Must warn you the teeth are jammed solid in the rotor housing) and contents of the storage locker I would make a trade for the Obediah`s Winegums (only if you can make it 400 even), the stench ridden loaf of mothers pride bread (27 years must be verified by date stamp) and an option on as many one of a kind genuine ming dynasty vases as you can supply along with a handling fee of £2 cash we have a deal.
Sincerely,
Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law
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Re: New Years liquidation sale -- Burt,
5/01/07 11:40pm
Hey Govnor,
You would not have any truncheons in the lot, I’m mighty fond of truncheons but keep breaking them. Also how do the ring tail lemurs taste? Anything like rabbit?
Burt
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Re: New Years liquidation sale -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq. (It tastes like...),
6/01/07 8:30pm
Burt,
Sorry we do not have any truncheons in the lot, however feel free to bid on any of the other items. Our Asian Foods division assures me that the Lemur tastes just like rabit (or chicken, snake, mongoose etc...)
Sincerely,
Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law
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