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Date Posted: 15/06/06 6:52am
Author: Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Subject: Missing Elephant
Missing Elephant
It seems that Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije of Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije Ltd. have either misplaced their pet elephant or it has wandered off. Zvonimir is most distressed by this and has even lost interest in the pit vipers he so loves to raise. Vladimer has done nothing but fire his AK47 at passing cars and Pankracije hasn’t flown the helicopter in days.
I myself am getting bloody well tired of it all as I need them to carry out various nefarious activities so I am offering a reward for it’s safe return or a reasonable facsimile of said beast.
Description: Large and Gray, stainless steel tusks (Russian Made), nasty disposition, leaves behind large droppings of dung.
Any additional information linking MFCC or Kind and Caring Problem Solvers to the disappearance will double the reward.
Sincerely,
Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law
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Replies:[>
Re: Missing Elephant -- Stanley,
15/06/06 9:41am
Governor,
I may have a lead on your missing Elephant, I found a large stainless steel "tusk" down by the docks Tuesday last, and lots of dung. Come by yourself at midnight or else. Bring several jars of peanut butter as this bugger is getting feisty and I don’t know how long the drugs will last. When you arrive blink your headlamp 17 times and then signal left turn with five blinks and right turn with 27 blinks. Failure to follow these instructions may result in incinerated elephant meat.
Stanley
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Re: Missing Elephant -- Meat Free Chicken Casserole,
15/06/06 10:33am
mmmmmm.... delicious (burp).
Elephant? No, haven't seen it.
Pachyderm? Not around here.
MFCC
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Re: Missing Elephant -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.,
15/06/06 11:45am
My Good Sir MFCC,
I should have known, masticating on mastodon meat! You pachyderm pervert! You said it was rhinoceros you were serving at the company picnic, Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije of Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije Ltd. will not be happy.
I expect Pankracije will pay you a visit in his Sikorsky very soon, Zvonimir said he had a snake for you he is sending by post and Vladimer has gone to buy another AK47 and some armor piercing rounds.
I might suggest you have K&CPS round up "Stanley" down by the docks and make it look like an accident say with a stainless steel tusk through the abdomen. In any case I would suggest you take to the bunker for at least a week till the fury is over.
Sincerely,
Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law
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Re: Missing Elephant -- Herman Heinklehousen, 15/06/06 10:16pm
Does the elephant have any distinguishing marks, such as a small scar somewhere or one green eye and one brown? Only i
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Re: Missing Elephant -- Herman Heinklehousen Snr, 15/06/06 10:27pm
Does the elephant have any distinguishing marks such as a small scar somewhere, or one green eye and one brown?
I`m a travelling salesman you see so I will keep an eye out for him. As a matter of interest and by weird coincidence i`m selling my Mk3 Smith and Wesson elephant gun. You don`t need a licence as this particular elephant gun is an exact replica of your common or garden air rifle. I`m open to offers and would consider part exchanging said shooter for a forged signed photo of Adolf Hitler or £150 cash and a 2 year old bucket of pig`s piss. Let me know soonest as i`m a very busy man with places to go, people to see and deadlines to be met.
Yours Faithfully
Herman Heinklehousen Jnr (dad`s gone away)
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