VoyForums

Thursday, October 19, 2:23:48VoyUser Login optional ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 123456789 ]
Subject: Re: unplanned


Author:
Pat
[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]
Date Posted: 01/ 1/10 2:46am
In reply to: Beth 's message, "unplanned" on 12/31/09 7:40pm

Hello, Beth,

To begin with, abortion is dangerous. It is unlikely you will be able to start school the next day, at least, if you are wise, you won't. Another consideration is that a nurse is pledged to protect the lives of her patients. If you do this, you have already violated the oath you will someday take.

There is a reason why you feel guilty even considering it. God specifically said, Thou shalt not kill. This could easily alienate you from God; many women don't feel God will forgive them. Regardless, if you assume God will forgive you, you are tempting Him.

I agree God lets everything happen for a reason, but don't assume that He doesn't intend for you to be a nurse. You can go to school, even with a baby. How do I know? Because I did it. By the time I got my bachelor's degree, I had four children, three of them preschoolers. One of them was born in the middle of the semester, and I stayed out for a week, my choice, and aced my courses. Although I firmly believe all children are a gift from God, the reason you are pregnant is because you had sex. One of the purposes of sex is to make babies. God may be calling you to a higher calling by giving you a child at this time, not that you are supposed to forgo being a nurse, but that you can be a shining example to other nurses that they must keep their oaths and protect all their patients. A nurse owes it to all women to discourage them from having abortions, because it's wrong, it's unethical, and it can kill or seriously harm them as well. Abortion can result in damage to their future children. It can make them more prone to get breast cancer while they are still young. There is a reason why the Hippocratic Oath forbids it. The first principle is "Primum non nocere" (first do no harm). Ethical doctors don't do abortions. You will be assisting doctors, and you have the right to expect them to act ethically.

I knew a newspaper reporter. I first met her because she did a report on a meeting I attended. After awhile, she became pregnant. She didn't want a child, but having an abortion was out of the question. After her child was born, I noticed that her articles for women had a lot more insight than before, and I told her so. Her husband died suddenly and unexpectedly, and her child was the gift he left her. God knew what He was doing when He gave her a blessing she didn't want.

You may feel you need some help to carry this baby. Help is available from a couple of different sources. First, there are organizations all over the world that offer help. You can find one near you by going here:

heartbeatinternational.org

There is also a program in the United States called the College Outreach Program. This program offers help to college students, so they can complete their studies. You can find out more here:

feministsforlife.org

Please don't do this. Your baby is depending on you for your protection. Please protect your baby.

Please come back and keep in touch. We will be here for you, and we will be praying for you.

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:
[> Subject: Re: unplanned


Author:
Heather
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 01/ 1/10 7:44pm

Hi Beth,

Welcome! Glad you found this site. If it's any consolation, you're not the only one whose experienced an 'unexpected weave in the tapestry of life.' It happens to countless women all the time. I think the encouraging thing, the hopeful thing, is that God often uses these unexpecteds to make things as they should be, according to His will. He is always at work in us, drawing us closer to Him as our Creator.

I can also understand your conflicting emotions. I am a person with a 'schedule oriented' mind myself, and have had to flex on more than a few occasions with circumstances that I just didn't pen in!

Actually of the four children my husband and I have, only one was planned. The rest came at 'all the wrong times' and yet it has worked out 'perfectly' somehow. It is a precious, precious family. So beautiful, and my husband and my children are my greatest earthly joy. I still don't know how it is that God has been so kind to me, when I certainly never deserved it.

If you are struggling with feeling guilty about aborting your baby, please know that you don't have to. I know sometimes life circumstances 'demand' that a woman does, or it can sure feel like it at the time when it seems so foreign and difficult to have an unplanned baby. But please know the other side of choice is that you have the choice to do something radical, unplanned and wonderful. There is nothing like holding and cherishing a baby, and being with them as they grow. Conversely, there is nothing more permanent than abortion. Life's circumstances shift and change, and the trials that seem insurmountable now may not even be in the landscape of your life a year from now, or 5 years from now. But once taken, the life of a human being cannot be given back, and I have personally spent some very compassionate and heartbreaking hours walking through the grieving process with post abortive women. Many of whom come in years after their abortion, finally breaking down with the hurt, guilt, and sometimes anger that they were made to feel that their 'only' choice was abortion because of x,y,z factors. It is so hard.

You didn't mention much about what you have in the way of a support system (is your mother, the baby's father, etc opposed to you having a baby? Would they be supportive if you decided to?)

Regardless, if you don't want to have an abortion, personally, you don't have to! There are all kinds of resources available to help you and support you in a decision to give life to the little one inside you. For starters, in nearly every city in America (which I'm assuming you're writing from) there is a Pregnancy Resource Center. All their services are free, and in addition to ultrasounds and vitamins, they can offer emotional counseling for an unplanned pregnancy, financial assistance, supplies, occupational resources, etc.

But it sounds like the question for you is still whether or not to keep your abortion appointment next week. My own opinion is that God is the author of all life, and that the same Creator that made you and your little son or daughter is also more than able to grant you the grace you need to honor His creation (including the new life in you) and keep you cared for and at peace in all you need. I can testify myself that His grace is sufficient, and He delights in bringing about beauty from the most seemingly 'wrong' circumstances.

But please know, too, that this forum exists for all women, in every situation, and you will be respected in whatever option you choose. I hope you'll feel comfortable posting updates and just decompressing if need be. This is an abortion alternative site because we've all seen women profoundly hurt by abortion, and the many euphemisms that obscure it's truth and pain, and because in addition to loving and respecting women, we hold life to be of intrinsic value, and think even 'small' humans should be protected, not have their life taken from them because of reasons that were no fault of their own.

If you have any doubts, one thing you can do is take more time to think about it. Canceling and appointment is as easy as scheduling one, as is postponing if you want to take more time to weigh this life changing decision.

Take good care of yourself.

With Kindness,

Heather

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[> [> Subject: Re: unplanned


Author:
Beth (confused)
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 01/ 2/10 7:00am

About your question, my support system is complicated. My fiance wants children, just not right now. I know it is very easy to find resources for pregnant women, the one here in my small town depends on your income. I dont make enough income to eat good meals, we eat vienna sausages and crackers just bout every night. I tried to get food stamps but apparently i make too much money. Which is funny b/c our bills outway our income. Not to get myself in trouble but the only reason that i am able to go to school this year is b/c last year, i claimed 2 children that werent my own and was able to get this pell grant. I wont be eligible next year and then where will i be? It is not fair to bring a beautiful baby into our situation. I wouldnt get any resource help because according to the govt. i make too much...lmao!!!!! My mother said she would help support me in what ever decision i made which would be great if she didnt live 3 hrs away from me. I have no childcare, money for food and diapers, formula if i couldnt breastfeed..etc...U have to understand, I live in a small town in al. there is not much here. To have the abortion, i have to go 1 hr. 30 mins away b/c there arent even any obgyn clinics around here..how sorry is that..what if i was to carry to baby and something went wrong?? the closet place is the ER and they dont even have sonogram equipment!!!! I wish my life were different in so many ways but life has worked for me so far. I terribly fear change and a baby would bring about BIG change. I never thought that this option would be my choice but i fear that is this my ONLY choice. I was looking for someone to understand. I am not that far along ( i just found out i was pregnant) i am on birth control for crying out loud. I take a little pill every morning at the same exact time give or take a few mins. and i never miss a pill. y did this happen to me. I think about how could God finally let things look up a little for me-- give me the opportunity to go to school, become a nurse, and make more money so that we can eat more that viennas and crackers and then throw a big change into plans by bringing more financial burden?? not that a baby is a burden, that is not what i am saying, i am just saying- we cant afford ourselves, let alone a baby.

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[> [> [> Subject: Re: unplanned


Author:
Lori
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 01/ 2/10 12:21pm

Hi Beth,
I just read your message and I have sent you an email. I look forward to speaking with you. Please know that your not alone, we are all here for you. Your in my thoughts and prayers.

God Bless,
Lori

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[> [> [> [> Subject: Re: unplanned


Author:
Beth, (relieved and sad)
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 01/ 5/10 2:28pm

I am not really sure how these message boards work so I am just posting a reply to this message to update my situation and maybe everyone will be able to read it. I was still debating whether or not to have the abortion. I went to counseling yesterday and was weighing my options and thinking of baby names and couldnt sleep because everytime i closed my eyes, i just kept thinking of names. I came up with Hannah Elizabeth for a girl and Robert Matthew for a boy. I went to work and was preparing to tell my fiance this morning at work (he works with me but in another department). well anyway, I couldnt get up the courage to tell him at work that I didnt want to go through with the procedure. I decided that I would tell him of my change of plans of not to have the abortion, I didnt have any other plans on how I was going to make this work. I ended up miscarrying at work. I spotted after lifted someone heavy and had an awful pain in my stomach. I had already been off work for 10 days so I took ibuprofen and ignored the pain. This morning at my appointment, I told them about the icident at work and they did an ultrasound and vaginal exam and determined (no heartbeart is what I heard the dr. say to the nurse.) The baby was still in utero but hadnt passed from my body. They had to do a D & C ( I think that is what he said) to what he called ( clean me out) He said it was nothing major and that I shouldnt worry. They perfomed the procedure the same way they said the abortion would be performed. I had a shot of demerol and phenergren then a couple of shots to deaden the cervix. And dialaters were placed in my cervix to dialate big enough to do the procedure. As if the shots didnt hurt enough, each dialator he placed in my cervix ( I counted 4) hurt worse with each one. If noone on here has ever experienced the pain...it is out of this world. I remember screaming and crying and I couldnt catch my breath. I started to hypervenilate from the pain that I was experiencing. I remember telling the dr. to please quit...just please stop, are we almost done...i cant take it anymore. I remember being very drunk after the procedure and had to have help getting dressed and was led to a recliner where i slept in between the horrible cramps i was experiencing. After what seemed like half a day (only 30 mins in fact) of having routine blood pressure checks and monitors of my well being. I was told to go into the bathroom and place my pad on the counter on some paper towels and replace it with a new one. I thought i hadnt heard her right b/c i was always taught to wrap and place pad in trash and my pad was just supposed to be on the counter for everyone to see?? I did as she said (she said she had to look at the amount of blood that was coming out to make sure i wasnt hemorraghing). I just said to myself...whatever, I am so ready to just go home. I am sharing this very very personal experience with everyone to help someone maybe. I debated about abortion, made an abortion decision, changed my mind and then lost the baby anyway and still had to go through the same type of procedure. I dont know how I can ever deal with this. Only God can help me..no counselers, drs. or friends. It was the worst pain that I have ever experienced in all my 27 yrs. and i pray that anyone faced with this decision chooses life. I pray that noone ever has to go through the mental, and physical pain of what I experienced today. Thank everyone for your prayers and I thank you for what you are doing. God bless each and everyone of you and your families. Life is a very precious thing and once it is taken away...you cant get it back.

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[> [> [> [> [> Subject: Re: unplanned


Author:
Pat
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 01/ 5/10 7:30pm

Hi, Beth,

I am so sorry for how things turned out for you. I will pray that God will comfort you. Please know that your baby is in heaven, and is happy. The hardest part is missing your loved one. Make sure to be very close to God so that you can join your baby someday. I have a baby in heaven, too.

From what you're describing, the doctor was unnecessarily cruel. I am also very sorry about that. He shouldn't have forced open the cervix like that, but should have waited because it would soften of its own accord. Whenever you have another pregnancy, be sure and tell the doctor about this so that he can safeguard your future baby. He can fasten your cervix shut if necessary.

We will very much welcome you staying, and we will talk to you and comfort you whenever we can. I realize that it will be difficult for you to accept our words of comfort, but please know we do care and we love you very much. That's why we are here. You are very, very welcome. Do whatever you need to do. You can also go to a pregnancy agency that works with women who have experienced untimely pregnancy, and they can help you with counseling. Emotional and spiritual healing is possible. Please know that God loves you very much.

Hugs,
Pat

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[> [> [> [> [> [> Subject: Re: unplanned


Author:
Heather
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 01/ 6/10 8:13am

Beth,

My deepest sympathy goes out to you for this turn of events. I read Pat's post and echo her thoughts.

Also, I hope you're able to carve out some space to take good care of yourself. Get as much rest as you can and take some good vitamins/high iron to make up for the blood loss. God holds all things, and does work them for good - even when we finite creatures can see the master plan's value in the up close at times.

I was touched by the last few sentences of your post. May God guard this softness in you and use it to bless others.

With Kindness,

Heather

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[> [> [> [> [> Subject: Re: unplanned


Author:
Melanie (I'm sorry)
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 01/20/10 1:27pm

Dear Beth,

I am sorry it took me so long to get on here and tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I really just had no words.

I hope you are doing okay. Please feel free to contact me via e-mail anytime if you want.

--Melanie

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[> [> [> Subject: Re: unplanned


Author:
Melanie
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 01/ 2/10 5:21pm

Hi Beth, A lot of governmental services do depend on income, but not all private entities do. Most food closets will not ask for income proof, although they may limit how often you can use their services. It's hard to say without knowing your whereabouts. There are a lot of avenues you can pursue if you really want to work through things and have your baby. When I got pregnant with my first, my husband was unemployed, and I was the one working, and we managed. No one can promise you an answer to every problem, but it's amazing how one can work things out if they really want to. I think the old saying is, "where there's a will there's a way."

There is an organization that does work with women who are pregnant and college-career oriented called The Nurturing Network. They can help you find resources in your area, or even help you to relocate if that would work best for you. The phone number for the Nurturing Network is
1-800-TNN-4MOM. They are also online, but you will probably get help more quickly if you contact them by phone. http://nurturingnetwork.org/whatwedo.html

You do have a choice here, which is to decide if you want to look at the obstacles, or the possibilities. I think it is a good thing to know early that you are pregnant as that gives you more time to prepare.

One thing to consider is that you may qualify for more grants as a single mom, so it might not all be bleak in that sense. A lot of colleges do offer child care based on income, although it is also usually essential to get on the list asap as there is usually a waiting list.

Get with someone in your area, research and plan. You can work through this, especially if your fiance is supportive. One thing is certain, abortion is not your only choice although it probably feels that way about now. If I can help in anyway, please feel free to e-mail me anytime.

-Melanie
wmn4life@hotmail.com

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[> [> [> Subject: Re: unplanned


Author:
Pat
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 01/ 2/10 8:27pm

Hi, Beth,

Let's take your points one at a time. I am going to give you some straight talk. Better to think about these things while you still have a choice, before it's too late. So many women have told me, "Not a day goes by that I don't think about my baby." Is that the future you want? Do you want the horrible nightmares I had after my encounter with abortion? Dreaming a man was chasing you through a dark rainy street with a huge butcher knife, or you are about to be gang raped? What if you became suicidal? It is much more common after abortion. What if you lost interest in being a nurse, and nothing mattered anymore? Whether or you are consciously aware of it or not, you are already bonded with your baby, and your body and heart will know.

Your fiance has a child: the one you are carrying. He is willing to let your harm the baby the two of you produced by showing love to each other? What kind of deal is that? What if this is the only child you ever conceive? Are you two living together? Why not go ahead get married? It will save expenses, too. So if you can't afford a fancy wedding, go before a justice of the peace. You can do a fancy wedding later if you want. Our youngest son just got married with a justice of the peace. My in-laws also did, and their marriage lasted until he died. That was decades.

The resources you said are there aren't what we're thinking of, if it depends on income. The ones we have recommended tend to look at your needs rather than your resources. Most of them offer free help. The one here charges a small amount, but a woman can work it off by volunteering a few hours a week.

Can you start a garden? Even a truck garden would help. Can you barter for food? What about doing some babysitting for a neighbor in exchange for food? Will your fiance help you buy food? Or is he eating crackers and stuff, too? He should start looking for a better job, but not give up the one he has. Can you take turns babysitting? Can you get a little extra work at the college?

Go to your local food bank, or to the churches in the area. There are services for the homeless as well, and they offer meals. What you may need is a better, cheaper place to live. I know a woman who thought she had no choice but to have an abortion, and a priest told her what she really needed was a better place to live. (I am not that fond of priests, I'm just telling you who helped her.) He found her a cheaper apartment that was better, and closer to work, so it didn't cost as much for transportation. When you are confronted with a situation like this, you have to think outside the box. You're still very much in panic mode, and a person doesn't make good decisions when in a panic, and can't really think outside the box, either.

What would happen if you had an abortion and it disabled you? That is a real possibility. Then nursing would be closed to you. As things stand now, you have a chance to become a nurse, provided you don't have an abortion. And like I said, give some serious thought to the fact that you would be repudiating the ethics of being a nurse if you had an abortion. That's a heck of a way to start off a career in nursing, don't you think?

It may not seem fair to bring a beautiful baby into your situation, but it is also not fair to take your baby's life. Situations and circumstances change. I don't care if you think you are set for life. They can change. And vice versa. Plenty of us have had this experience. If you follow God's will, He will provide for you. Not maybe in the timing you think you need, but He will. Right now, He has given you a responsibility. Only you can protect your baby, and your baby is depending on you for your protection. Use the money you'd spend on an abortion to buy food, for heaven's sake!

Going an hour and a half away will also cost money: money for transportation, and money for lodging, especially if you suffer a complication. If you suffer a complication, who will pay your medical bills?

I often answer questions from women who have had an abortion. The number who have serious complications is frightening. They say abortion is safe. It's not. A woman's body was designed to protect her baby, and the ONLY way she can get an abortion is for them to harm her in some way. Harm is guaranteed. The "lucky" ones don't find out about the harm until later. Abortion greatly increases the chances a woman will have a baby with a birth defect in the future, and that can also be very expensive. Don't jump from the frying pan into the fire.

No, abortion is NOT your only choice. You could use a good dollop of courage. Granted, a baby would bring about a big change. However, it happens one day at a time, and you should take one day at a time. If you can make it through today (and you already have), you can make it through tomorrow. Try to avoid the "what if's", or if you insist, also include "what if I had an abortion, and I had a complication, or it harmed a future child, or whatever". Believe me, we understand. Many of us have been where you are right now. I faced some fairly significant health problems with my last pregnancy, and it wasn't easy. I was tired and weak. What we also understand is what happens to women who choose abortion, in the long run. We are trying to get you to think to the future, and tell you what the problems will be if you have an abortion. Because we care. Deeply.

What if you can't breastfeed? Go talk to La Leche League. What if something went wrong with your pregnancy? Get help from your local organization that helps pregnant women. When I was having my babies, sonograms barely existed. I never had one. Good medical people don't need a sonogram to give you good care. What if you can't afford the baby once he or she is born? Choose adoption. It's much safer for you anyway. And the adoptive parents will pay your expenses. I have had midwifery training, and if I lived in your city, I'd come help you with the birth for free. If there were a complication, the ER will take you for free as well. There are always alternatives, but as long as you're thinking about abortion, you won't find them.

Abortion is forever. You can't take it back. Please don't do this. We will be here, and we will be praying for all of you. Please stay safe!

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]


VoyUser Login ] Not required to post.
Post a public reply to this message | Go post a new public message
Note: This forum is moderated -- new posts are not visible until approved.
* HTML allowed in marked fields.
* Message subject (required):

* Name (required):

  Expression (Optional mood/title along with your name) Examples: (happy, sad, The Joyful, etc.) help)

  E-mail address (optional):

* Type your message here:

Choose Message Icon: [ View Emoticons ]

Note: This forum is moderated -- new posts are not visible until approved.

Notice: Copies of your message may remain on this and other systems on internet. Please be respectful.


Forum timezone: GMT-8
VF Version: 3.00b, ConfDB:
Before posting please read our privacy policy.
VoyForums(tm) is a Free Service from Voyager Info-Systems.
Copyright © 1998-2017 Voyager Info-Systems. All Rights Reserved.