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Date Posted: 04:08:49 09/19/01 Wed
Author: Anonymous
Subject: he has made me rage seethe and cry like a child

again. and then i realise and i feel ashamed of my childish ways. i'm pathetic really. its a hard thing to fight- needing people emotionally. the rotten core of any fruit. i see where he's taking me: - not needing anyone, not possessing anyone, not demanding anything from anyone and loving everyone because they act in ways perfectly according to their own individual natures. and their natures are theirs, i don't have to participate in them. if they tried to force me to i would walk away, too. being free.

intellectually i understand but getting the emotion in check is another thing altogether and i just keep failing and failing and falling. and each time i fail i want to die. and then it passes. feeling sorry for myself, feeling like a hug, wanting someone to say, you're okay, you're fine. to dwell on the lack of these things is weakness apparently because it can drag you down. the desire for comfort and love and someone to hold you during a long dark night - all weakness if dwelt on too long when they are absent. so here's me standing on shifting sands turning to someone and having them step just out of reach. over and over. it reminds me a child being taught to walk. how's that for a fucked up image. yet i can't stop reaching out. i can't stop emotionally being hurt when they step away. it feels like betrayal. it feels like alone. i want nothing more than a few minutes of companionship, of chat and comeraderie, of solace that i do not exist alone. all of that is weakness apparently and he wants me to learn to stand on my own two feet. and i can and i do to some degrees more than others. but he's right. it took me 7 years to get over my ex. seven years because i couldn't walk on my own because i constantly looked for someone to 'rescue' me. i am so thoroughly ashamed. so now i have to get over needing people. i need to do that, but the price is awful. it hurts and it hurts and it hurts. it's like trying to root out something fundamental inside me. like ripping out a vital organ. i wonder if it will ever stop. the only reason i go through this is because i know that it is all underpinned by great and high love. that is the only reason. i trust you.

well, i feel better now. thanks for reading.

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