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| [ Login ] [ Contact Forum Admin ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1, 2, 3, [4] ] |
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Re: Jokes -- Randall K. Wilson, 19:43:55 02/27/10 Sat
There was a farmer and his wife out in the barnyard gathering up chickens. Everytime the Farmer's wife bent over to gather a chicken she would expel flatus. Now this happened several times. Finally the Farmer said to his wife..."That's ok honey...if you can't catch'em, then shoot'em!"
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Re: Jokes -- Marilyn (Burcham )Willis '59', 18:23:45 03/01/10 Mon
A Washington Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from Seattle when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care'. and he smiles smugly.
OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do yousuppose that is?'
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know s***?
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Re: Jokes -- Warren Byerly 56, 09:39:17 03/02/10 Tue
Keep the jokes coming. I need them for a continuing education class I teach. How about some lawyer jokes.
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Re: Jokes -- Tom Little '60, 16:55:36 05/17/10 Mon
I can't figure out how to reply to the original message so I have no idea where this will end up but...
It seems to men were standing in the chow line at Joliet (Illinois--think Blues Brothers) and one turned to the other and said, "You know, the food was a lot better here when I was governor.
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Re: Jokes -- Donna Ray, 08:14:35 03/13/10 Sat
Glenn, love it.
I can do 10 lbs!
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Re: Jokes -- Glenn Holle, 12:10:48 03/26/10 Fri
A young woman runs through the front door of the City General Hospital. She finds the duty nurse at the front desk and exclaims, “I need to see an Upturn!”
The dumbfounded nurse thinks over the request and replies, “Miss, you must want to see an Intern.”
The upset young woman then demands, “Well, I want to go to the fraternity ward!”
The harried nurse responds, “You must mean the maternity ward.”
The anxious young woman says, “Whatever, I need a contamination.”
The patient nurse is getting the hang of the verbal confusion and answers, “Madam, you want an examination.”
By this time the irritated young woman screams at the nurse, “Upturn or Intern, Fraternity or Maternity, Contamination or Examination!! All I know is that I haven’t demonstrated for three months and I think I’m stagnant!!”
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Re: Jokes -- Glenn Holle, 11:50:40 03/30/10 Tue
Donna, Sorry that you did not like my joke. I thought it was one of the best ever... so if you dislike that there will not be anymore :^)
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Re: Jokes -- Donna Ray '51, 06:53:52 04/01/10 Thu
Glenn, what makes you say I don't like your jokes? I love them.
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Re: Jokes -- Warren Byerly 56, 12:30:47 04/08/10 Thu
Question: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Answer: Senator
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Re: Jokes -- Glenn Holle, 13:22:58 04/08/10 Thu
Sadly, that is no joke.
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Re: Jokes -- Warren Byerly 56, 18:05:35 04/08/10 Thu
You might be a redneck if you think Taco Bell is a Mexican Telephone Company.
If you think the last line of the National Anthem is "Gentleman start your engines", you might be a redneck.
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Re: Jokes -- Glenn Holle, 15:25:04 04/13/10 Tue
I am disappointed at the lack of follow-up on the "Ed Zachary Disease"... not everyone could have heard it... could they?
Anyway I went to my oriental doctor for a diagnosis of my serious physical-social disorder. His opinion was that my face looked "Ed Zachary" like my backside.
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Re: Jokes -- Warren Byerly 56, 12:12:46 04/17/10 Sat
One of the lady residents at a nursing home comes into the cafeteria with her hand in a fist. She says that anyone that can guess what she has in her fist can sleep with her tonight. A fellow in the back yells out that she has an elephant in her fist. She says, "Close enough, come on."
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Re: Jokes -- Donna Ray '51, 05:21:57 04/20/10 Tue
Glenn, love Ed Zachary!
Warren, that lady has the right idea.
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Re: Jokes -- Marilyn Burcham Willis '59', 19:47:00 05/07/10 Fri
FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN
The day finally arrived.. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He
is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates
are
closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We
have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is
filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination
for
everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can
get
into Heaven.'
Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But
nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test
ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'
St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three
questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?'
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day
and
sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a
chance
to think the questions over, tell me your answers.' Forrest replied,
'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week
begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be
Today and Tomorrow.'
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not
what
I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not
specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the
next
one?' asked St. Peter.
'How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest,
'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be
twelve.' Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in
Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'
Forrest
replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd,
March 2nd.... '
'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with
this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in
mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us
go on
with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name'?
'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.' 'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated
and frustrated St Peter. 'Ok, I can understand how you came up with
your
answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you
come
up with the name Andy as the first name of God?' 'Shucks, that was the
easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,
ANDY
WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.' St.
Peter
opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'
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Re: Jokes -- Donna Ray '51, 08:43:12 05/08/10 Sat
Marilyn, This is a good one!
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Re: Jokes -- greenclad, 18:50:36 05/10/10 Mon
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in Real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
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Re: Jokes -- Marilyn Burcham Willis '59', 00:25:53 05/11/10 Tue
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
-------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
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Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------
Son: 'Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing..'
Son: 'But Mom, I was sitting on Daddy's lap.'
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my Father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
------------------------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
-------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
-------------------------------
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Sally on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Sally was the name of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'
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