| Subject: Re: re: The adoption is final |
Author:
Heather
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Date Posted: 13:50:32 11/17/06 Fri
In reply to:
TR
's message, "re: The adoption is final" on 12:01:03 11/17/06 Fri
HI TR. Congratulations on the adoption. I am glad she has a home to call her own for good. Now as for Spencer, I have had a very difficult time turning my back because he says the same exact things your daughter says. Addicts fake it really good. For some, they will do what they have to do to not hit their bottom and if it means quitting for awhile to get what they want, that is what they will do. Spencer did that. Now you are legally in charge of this little girl and her well being no matter if it's physical, emotional, or whatever. I have finally turned my back because just becuase they say they are clean, doesn't mean they are clean and doesn't mean they are in recovery or recovering. That is an important part of this whole deal. Being in true recovery. Spencer shows NO REMORSE at all. He just manipulates to get his way and once he does, he is Spencer the addict again. Well now he has lost all of his support here and where he lives. Bernie never made him pay rent or anything, now he has to pay rent there and can only borrow his car and phone for business purposes. It's because Bernie put money in to the business and doesn't want to lose it. But he did say that if Spencer messes up that part of it all, he will find someone else to take his one client he has. He's on this ice and was told if he didn't go to rehab it would all be over for him there. So he went to rehab, but he isn't recovering cause it wasn't his choice.
Your daughter may be int he same boat. Maybe she has someone paying her bills for her, maybe she sells drugs, maybe something else, but if she has money to do all she does then something is going on. And it is nothing that your little girl or you need to be around or deal with anymore. THe way I feel is this: When an addict is ready to be a parent and a real part of a family, they will change everything about their life. YES EVERYTHING. Friends and all. Attitude, all that. I have seen many people make that transformation and for you TR, it will be better to turn your back. You cannot control her but you can control your situation. That little girl is now yours and if she is serious about being a parent, she will do ANYTHING to be there with you and your family. ANYTHING!
My cousin turned himself in to the police and served a 3 week sentence in PRISON to start proving to us (his family) that he has changed. He got to come back to my grandmas house, started work the very next day after getting out of prison, and hasn't missed one day in three months. Made enough money to put back $3500 dollars to get his own apartment for his family, has money for his lunches and work supplies, sent 100 dollars a week to his girlfriend for their new baby until he was able to send for them which he did buy airline tickets and I took him to pick them up from the airport last Saturday. She and the kids have been here for one week tomorrow and they are on the right road and no questions asked. No proof needed. It is obvious beyond belief. It is what they wanted.
When your daughter wants a better life, she will go after it and do what she has to do to earn back your trust. ALl she got was an hour a week of unsupervised visits? And I bet she was ok with that as long as she didn't lose that one hour all together. They just want to make sure their foot is still in the door. Take her foot out of the door and close it and lock it. You keep the key. She has to earn your trust back and you don't need to ride the roller coaster and trust me, you don't want that little girl riding it either. It hurts, its painful. Imagine how you feel inside, she will feel it more and more as she gets older if you don't let go and turn your back for at least her sake. Let your daughter send you a court summons when she is really ready or bring you a hair follicle test for you to perform on her and proof that she has been recovering. Who know what that will be, but it will be a 100% difference to today.
It is tremendously hard, I know, but you have to do something or you will not get better or be happy. I know that I had to make that choice or I will never be happy and gosh, to live anymore time feeling like this, I can't even imagine. I rather die, but I have my babies plus he is not the most important person in the world. He is just someone who lies and manipulates me in to believing he is someone he is not. He is not real and I had to realize that/ Trust me I just realized this recently and just made the decision to turn my back 100% this week. Something came over me that told me that I was losing my own life because of his choices. That made me mad. One night I cried so hard and thought about how much time I have wasted dealing with the what ifs........well what if I just let go and live my life for reals and what if I just turn my back and keep walking. And here I am today feeling very happy. I have my tough days but I get through them. I PRAY!
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