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Subject: Re: Lori - Please read this


Author:
Heather
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Date Posted: 11:56:08 03/08/06 Wed
In reply to: Lori 's message, "Re: Lori - Please read this" on 11:12:40 03/08/06 Wed
 I am not giving up hope either that he will be clean one day. I am trying so hard to move on and I am accomplishing it one day at a time. I cannot believe I haven't given in this time. I finally have accomplished a goal I have set for myself long ago. SO I give myself credit for that.
I can be friendly to him. I always was. That's not even the issue. The issue is the present. When he can put his own past behind him, which right now isn't the past, then he will accomplish a goal for himself that will change my attitude towards him. I am not mean to him. He is the one who is mean. I can talk with him when he is clean and sober, laugh with him and act like nothing ever happened, but then suprise, he lets it all back in to his life. SO I know when he is ready to be clean for good and gets his life together, I will have no problems being a friend to him for my son' s sake. I actually have this hope that we will end up together one day.....but who knows if that feeling will last.
There is no one in my life at this point. Yes I was dating someone but I let Spencer back in to my life and ended it with that guy and then he was willing to take me back, but with all of this, I knew I would end up hurting him just like Spencer was doing to me. I can't be with someone who will let me walk all over them. I just won't be with someone like that out of respect for both of us involved. I don't want to hurt anyone cause I know what pain feels like and it is not fun.

So please just tell me again that I am doing the right thing. I need to hear it constantly for some reason. My guilt is killing me but I don't think I have anything to feel guilty for. I can already tell that being without us is just killing him. I will keep this up until he can get clean or a judge orders me otherwise. I want to get the divorce precedings going but I'm finding it hard to, plus then even if he isn't clean, the judge will order visitations and I know that it's not healthy for my son. I know he won't take me to court until he is clean for reals, because he knows that he will be tested and it would just be an ongoing battle with the courts.

SO anyways - I am living my life. Making plans, having fun with the boys and planning our future. I planned my oldest boys birthday more than a month in advance. He will be 10 and I am so excited. Then Easter is coming - you know kids love stuff like this. Then my babies 5th Birthday is in July - I am already planning for this. Then camping in August. I am renting a small RV. It will be fun - Then my 32nd Birthday, I am going on a cruise. YAY..see all these plans I have made. I used to put everything on hold because I didn't know if he was coming or going.

=) Heather
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Re: Lori - Please read thisKelly221:46:07 03/08/06 Wed

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