Critiques Invited but... -- West Coast Angler

[ VoyUser Login optional ] [ Contact Forum Admin ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1 ]

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Date Posted: 21:01:07 01/17/00 Mon
Author: hd
Subject: Critiques Invited but...

...ya gotta forgive the caps. I started writing this several years ago on an old word processor (pre-internet, pre-windows, practically pre-mature) and I always used caps back then. I recently came across it after being lost all this time and printed it out. I then faxed it to my computer, copy & paste and wallah...HTML!

I am only posting a segment to get opinions whether it's worth finishing or not. I don't know if the subject matter and writing style is "finished" enough to actually spend time on. It was going to be a book, back when I was young and idealistic.

I want (no...I need) honest opinions. Not a flaming and not sanctimonious praise. I am looking for objective, helpful and most importantly HONEST criticism. No sense wasting alot of time on a book idea that's crap ya know? I won't tell ya what the book is all about or what happens to the main character. This is because there's three possible directions i can go and I haven't figured out which one I like best yet.

Thanks for your opinions (for those who bother to read it) and again, please forgive the caps. I'll fix that first, if I pursue this little project in the future.

FATHOMS
By BRUCE A. CARTER

THE WATER EXPLODED WHEN THE SPEAR SHAFT HIT THE HUGE FISH. IT WAS A PERFECT SHOT, JUST BEHIND THE GILL PLATE. SIXTY FEET FROM THE SURFACE, THE FISH BEGAN PEELING OFF LINE AS IT HEADED TOWARDS THE BOTTOM. SIMON KNEW THAT IF THE LINE GOT WRAPPED ON THE REEF, IT WAS ALL OVER. HE'D LOSE HIS FIRST
WHITE SEABASS...THE FISH MOST PRIZED BY SPEAR FISHERMAN.
WHITES WERE MYTHICAL CREATURES, SO ELUSIVE MANY DIVERS WOULD NEVER EVEN SEE ONE. ONLY THOSE WITH THE PATIENCE AND THE BREATHHOLD TO WAIT AT DEPTH WOULD GAZE UPON THEIR GHOSTLY MAGNIFICENCE. THEY DIDN'T SWIM. RATHER, THEY SEEMED TO
SHOULDER THEIR WAY THROUGH THE WATER, EFFORTLESSLY CRUISING THE ISLAND'S REEFS THE WAY A LION ROAMS THE PLAIN. SIMON NEEDED AIR BUT TO SURFACE MEANT LOSING HIS FISH. TO PULL ON THE LINE WOULD ONLY PROVIDE THE ANIMAL AN OPPORTUNITY TO PULL ITSELF OFF THE SHAFT, USING ITS MUSCLES AGAINST THE
TENSION ON THE LINE TO RIP A HOLE THROUGH ITS FLESH AND ESCAPE. NO...HE'D HAVE TO DIVE. KEEP THE LINE FREE AND CLEAR OF OBSTACLES UNTIL THE FISH STOPPED AND HE COULD GET HIS HANDS ON IT. IT MEANT RISKING A SHALLOW WATER BLACKOUT ON
HIS ASCENT BUT SIMON WASN'T ABOUT TO LOSE THIS BEHEMOTH. NEARLY 75 LBS. AND ALL EDIBLE, THIS WOULD BE THE FINEST TROPHY IN HIS PHOTO ALBUM. THE PRESSURE IN HIS LUNGS MOMENTARILY FORGOTTEN, REPLACED WITH VISIONS OF HIS
FATHER LIGHTING THE BAR-B-CUE WHILE BRAGGING TO HIS GUESTS AND TELLING THEM HOW THE MAMMOTH FISH WAS TAKEN BY HIS YOUNGEST SON. HE LOOKED SO PROUD AS HE RELAYED AN INCREASINGLY EXAGGERATED TALE OF ADVENTURE AND HEROISM, HOW
HIS SON CAUGHT A GREAT WHITE SEABASS. THE FISH STOPPED. HOVERING ONLY TWENTY-FIVE FEET ABOVE A PINNACLE OUTCROPPING IN THE REEF, IT APPEARED TO BE CATCHING ITS BREATH BEFORE PREPARING TO BOLT OFF TOWARDS THE ROCKS AND FREEDOM. SIMON KICKED HARD, FOLLOWING THE KEVLAR LINE, TRYING TO IGNORE
HIS BURSTING LUNGS. THE FISH STILL DIDN'T MOVE. THE SHAFT HAD NOT PASSED COMPLETELY THROUGH THE FISH. THIS WAS BAD. SIMON HAD NOT HAD ENOUGH MONEY TO PURCHASE THE DETACHABLE SPEARHEAD WHEN HE BOUGHT THE SPEARGUN. HE'D HAVE TO PUSH
THE SHAFT COMPLETELY THROUGH THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FISH BEFORE HE COULD MAKE A GRAB. HE WASN'T EVEN SURE IF THIS WAS POSSIBLE. THE FISH LOOKED AT SIMON, SEEMINGLY UNDERSTANDING ITS PREDICAMENT AND GIVING ITS RESPECTS TO THE HUMAN PREDATOR. IT WAS NOT READY TO DIE. BOTH DIVER AND FISH REACTED SIMULTANEOUSLY, EACH FRENZILY MOVING TOWARDS THE BOTTOM. SIMON EYES FILLED HIS FACE MASK AS HE REALIZED HIS OWN SITUATION. THE WHITE WAS FIVE FEET FROM THE PINNACLE AND CERTAIN ESCAPE. SIMON WAS NOW DEEPER THAN HE'D EVER DESCENDED AND WAS BEGINNING TO FEEL LIGHTHEADED. HE HAD TRAVELED TO 85 FEET TIED TO THE BIGGEST WHITE SEABASS
HE'D EVER SEEN AND DESPERATE FOR A BREATH. THE FISH DISAPPEARED AROUND THE HUGE ROCK. A SECOND LATER THE LINE WENT LIMP. THE GREAT FISH WAS LOST.

continued on next page (space is limited to 50 lines on this site)

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

Excellent -- posydon, 12:22:12 01/18/00 Tue
Re: Critiques Invited but... -- David, 13:35:46 01/18/00 Tue
Don't waste your time. -- tcortez, 12:00:25 01/20/00 Thu
- Re: Don't waste your time. -- Hawk, 21:36:26 01/21/00 Fri
- I showed you mind, let's see yours -- hd, 09:42:20 01/22/00 Sat
  - Re: I showed you mind, let's see yours -- Moby, 17:49:42 01/22/00 Sat
  - Re: I showed you mind, let's see yours -- Moby, 17:50:29 01/22/00 Sat
    - Back Off? -- hd, 20:09:44 01/22/00 Sat
      - Re: Back Off? -- Moby, 04:02:45 01/23/00 Sun
        Good stuff!!! -- posydon, 09:09:37 01/23/00 Sun
      - Whatever... -- tcortez, 10:54:02 01/23/00 Sun
        Try Fatbrain.com -- tcortez, 16:24:46 02/04/00 Fri

[ VoyUser Login ] Not required to post.
Post a public reply to this message | Go post a new public message
* Notice: Posting problems? [ Click here ]
* HTML allowed in marked fields.
Message subject (required):

Name (required):

Expression ^{(Optional mood/title along with your name) Examples: (happy, sad, The Joyful, etc.) help)}

E-mail address (required):

* Type your message here:
>...ya gotta forgive the caps. I started writing this >several years ago on an old word processor >(pre-internet, pre-windows, practically pre-mature) >and I always used caps back then. I recently came >across it after being lost all this time and printed >it out. I then faxed it to my computer, copy & paste >and wallah...HTML! > >I am only posting a segment to get opinions whether >it's worth finishing or not. I don't know if the >subject matter and writing style is "finished" enough >to actually spend time on. It was going to be a book, >back when I was young and idealistic. > >I want (no...I need) honest opinions. Not a flaming >and not sanctimonious praise. I am looking for >objective, helpful and most importantly HONEST >criticism. No sense wasting alot of time on a book >idea that's crap ya know? I won't tell ya what the >book is all about or what happens to the main >character. This is because there's three possible >directions i can go and I haven't figured out which >one I like best yet. > >Thanks for your opinions (for those who bother to read >it) and again, please forgive the caps. I'll fix that >first, if I pursue this little project in the future. > >FATHOMS > By BRUCE A. CARTER > >THE WATER EXPLODED WHEN THE SPEAR SHAFT HIT THE HUGE >FISH. IT WAS A PERFECT SHOT, JUST BEHIND THE GILL >PLATE. SIXTY FEET FROM THE SURFACE, THE FISH BEGAN >PEELING OFF LINE AS IT HEADED TOWARDS THE BOTTOM. >SIMON KNEW THAT IF THE LINE GOT WRAPPED ON THE REEF, >IT WAS ALL OVER. HE'D LOSE HIS FIRST >WHITE SEABASS...THE FISH MOST PRIZED BY SPEAR >FISHERMAN. >WHITES WERE MYTHICAL CREATURES, SO ELUSIVE MANY DIVERS >WOULD NEVER EVEN SEE ONE. ONLY THOSE WITH THE PATIENCE >AND THE BREATHHOLD TO WAIT AT DEPTH WOULD GAZE UPON >THEIR GHOSTLY MAGNIFICENCE. THEY DIDN'T SWIM. RATHER, >THEY SEEMED TO >SHOULDER THEIR WAY THROUGH THE WATER, EFFORTLESSLY >CRUISING THE ISLAND'S REEFS THE WAY A LION ROAMS THE >PLAIN. SIMON NEEDED AIR BUT TO SURFACE MEANT LOSING >HIS FISH. TO PULL ON THE LINE WOULD ONLY PROVIDE THE >ANIMAL AN OPPORTUNITY TO PULL ITSELF OFF THE SHAFT, >USING ITS MUSCLES AGAINST THE >TENSION ON THE LINE TO RIP A HOLE THROUGH ITS FLESH >AND ESCAPE. NO...HE'D HAVE TO DIVE. KEEP THE LINE FREE >AND CLEAR OF OBSTACLES UNTIL THE FISH STOPPED AND HE >COULD GET HIS HANDS ON IT. IT MEANT RISKING A SHALLOW >WATER BLACKOUT ON >HIS ASCENT BUT SIMON WASN'T ABOUT TO LOSE THIS >BEHEMOTH. NEARLY 75 LBS. AND ALL EDIBLE, THIS WOULD BE >THE FINEST TROPHY IN HIS PHOTO ALBUM. THE PRESSURE IN >HIS LUNGS MOMENTARILY FORGOTTEN, REPLACED WITH VISIONS >OF HIS >FATHER LIGHTING THE BAR-B-CUE WHILE BRAGGING TO HIS >GUESTS AND TELLING THEM HOW THE MAMMOTH FISH WAS TAKEN >BY HIS YOUNGEST SON. HE LOOKED SO PROUD AS HE RELAYED >AN INCREASINGLY EXAGGERATED TALE OF ADVENTURE AND >HEROISM, HOW >HIS SON CAUGHT A GREAT WHITE SEABASS. THE FISH >STOPPED. HOVERING ONLY TWENTY-FIVE FEET ABOVE A >PINNACLE OUTCROPPING IN THE REEF, IT APPEARED TO BE >CATCHING ITS BREATH BEFORE PREPARING TO BOLT OFF >TOWARDS THE ROCKS AND FREEDOM. SIMON KICKED HARD, >FOLLOWING THE KEVLAR LINE, TRYING TO IGNORE >HIS BURSTING LUNGS. THE FISH STILL DIDN'T MOVE. THE >SHAFT HAD NOT PASSED COMPLETELY THROUGH THE FISH. THIS >WAS BAD. SIMON HAD NOT HAD ENOUGH MONEY TO PURCHASE >THE DETACHABLE SPEARHEAD WHEN HE BOUGHT THE SPEARGUN. >HE'D HAVE TO PUSH >THE SHAFT COMPLETELY THROUGH THE OTHER SIDE OF THE >FISH BEFORE HE COULD MAKE A GRAB. HE WASN'T EVEN SURE >IF THIS WAS POSSIBLE. THE FISH LOOKED AT SIMON, >SEEMINGLY UNDERSTANDING ITS PREDICAMENT AND GIVING ITS >RESPECTS TO THE HUMAN PREDATOR. IT WAS NOT READY TO >DIE. BOTH DIVER AND FISH REACTED SIMULTANEOUSLY, EACH >FRENZILY MOVING TOWARDS THE BOTTOM. SIMON EYES FILLED >HIS FACE MASK AS HE REALIZED HIS OWN SITUATION. THE >WHITE WAS FIVE FEET FROM THE PINNACLE AND CERTAIN >ESCAPE. SIMON WAS NOW DEEPER THAN HE'D EVER DESCENDED >AND WAS BEGINNING TO FEEL LIGHTHEADED. HE HAD TRAVELED >TO 85 FEET TIED TO THE BIGGEST WHITE SEABASS >HE'D EVER SEEN AND DESPERATE FOR A BREATH. THE FISH >DISAPPEARED AROUND THE HUGE ROCK. A SECOND LATER THE >LINE WENT LIMP. THE GREAT FISH WAS LOST. > >continued on next page (space is limited to 50 lines >on this site)

Notice: Copies of your message may remain on this and other systems on internet. Please be respectful.

[ Contact Forum Admin ]

Forum timezone: GMT-8
VF Version: 2.94, ConfDB:
Before posting please read our privacy policy.
VoyForums^(tm) is a Free Service from Voyager Info-Systems.
Copyright © 1998-2008 Voyager Info-Systems. All Rights Reserved.