| Subject: my story, and aftermath |
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BB
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Date Posted: 11:45:21 03/22/08 Sat
I got pregnant in my first semester of college. I moved with my boyfriend who I have loved for three years. We moved to a different country for college, and I was pregnant within the first month of living there. I had been sexually active since I was fifteen, and always a huge stickler for safe sex, so you can imagine my surprise when i found out I was pregnant! I was in disbelief, and I was shocked, and I had always told myself that if I ever got pregnant before I was ready, I would have an abortion.
Being in a different country, I was unfamiliar with the health care. I went to a clinic to get a doctor to confirm my pregnancy. she was impatient and insensitive to me. I was crying, and all she wanted to know was what was my decision--"are you keeping it or not?" I guess time was money to her....I told her it was the worst time for me to be pregnant, and she started shoving planned parenthood pamphlets in my hand and was obviously ready to send me out. I was shocked, and terrified. My loving boyfriend carted me over to the lab for my blood test. I was convulsing and hysterical. I left the office feeling scared and alone. I was alone in a a foreign country, with no friends, no family except my boyfriend, who was supportive, but also dealing with the shock of this.
Within the next few days, I had researched clinics in the area, and had an ultra sound. I was still terrified and felt so alone. I had decided not to tell anyone originally, but I broke down and called my best friend. I told her everything, and she insisted on flying me out to come home for the procedure. I knew I needed the support of her to get me through this.
On the day of the abortion, I got a surprise from the nurses there. They told me that I had to have blood work and an ultra sound again because the ones I sent to them were not accurate. Turns out, my ultrasound was not actually administered by a radiologist....just a nurse taking a guess at my gestation period...and the blood work, (which I was later charged $350 for) was completely useless and would have to be redone. The two original procedures had cost me over $500. I come from a place where health care is covered, so you can imagine my shock when I was told I had to pay so much for something that I thought was everyone's right as a human being.
I made the right decision to go back home. The doctors and nurses were so supportive and kind, and my best friend waited in the waiting room for me all day. The experience it self was as good as I suppose it can be, but the aftermath still haunts me.
After I returned home, I became depressed, felt isolated and like no one understood. I also felt like my mother instinct had suddenly turned on. Everytime I saw a baby, or a pregnant woman I cried....anytime and anywhere. I missed my child, I talked to him, I had names for him, I imagined his face. I was a mess, and the worst part was that no one knew, and I had no one to confide in. I was still new at school, and didn't exaclty feel like being social for several months.
I had flashbacks, and nightmares, and my sexuality felt completely diminished. My partner and I still have sexual problems that I seriously want to get over. The first time we had sex since the abortion, I felt violated, like I was being raped, and I had to tell him to stop (which he was very gentlemanly about) it took several encounters for this feeling to even go away a little bit. Even to this day (its been almost 2 years) I feel ashamed about my sexual feelings, and ashamed to be having sex. I had never felt ashamed of sex until now. My family is not religious, so i don't know where this shame is coming from. Its like, when we try to become intimate, I feel guilty, and embarrassed that I am about to have sex. Then (sorry if this is a weird image) it feels almost like if my parents walked in on us in the act, and I can't get rid of it. My partner has been so patient with me, but I understand that he has needs too, and as his partner, I want to satisfy him. I am afraid this will destroy us if I do not resolve it somehow.
Well I'm sorry this is so long. There is much more I want to say, but I'll save it for another day. Does anyone else experience these sexual problems?
Thanks for listening,
BB
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