[ Edit | View ]
Date Posted: 17:41:23 02/19/07 Mon
I had my abortion on November 11, 2006. It's hard to type that..but I'm glad I am. I dont want to hold on to dates, and to have them haunt me in my future, but that's perhaps exactly what i need to do. To see and admit it more, to having an abortion, to violating myself, to killing a life that I had no right to do, to not trusting God in the first place to not have been involved with the father/man.
I am a murderer, and I admit it. I have done a terrible thing. I made a choice, and unfortunately it was the wrong one. Now I have to live with the consequenses of that. I wonder where the self-punishment ends, and I can move on and let go of what I need to.
This hurt and loss will always be there. But I have to live and breathe and continue....even if this baby can't because of my choice. Oh that hurts so much to say.
I've just contacted someone for help. I will get counselling soon, and I really need it.
The other issue is how it is affecting my relationship. He feels strongly about contraception and abortion that it is wrong, and I agree with him. We have been friends for 5 years, and I was in another country for a year when my pregnancy and abortion took place. When I came back I broke up with a man I was seeing and put on hold before I left, and my boyfriend -and now fiance- moved beyond friendship into a relationship which has been so right and so wonderful. And now we're engaged and heading towards being together, and just yesterday a whole mound of emotions, or an 'emotional bomb' dropped on me and us that I didnt quite understand how to relate to. It's good that it's happening now...we are weeding through and out our past to be able to move forward and have a happy marriage together. I just have to take some more time now to deal with my abortion.
And here's a start.
I'm worried about not having another chance at having a baby. I'm worried about how the next baby will be affected, and I want to deal with everything i can now so that it wont affect my/our future. I dont want to pass on unhealthy things to our future together..both my fiance and our future children. My fiance was adopted and abandoned in a lot of ways, and so that is another issue to be sensitive to. I really want our experience of having children to be as pure as it can be.
There's so much I dont know how to deal with right now. I've been crying everyday for the last week...adn I thought it was issues with my fiance that we're just working through...but now I'm not so sure. I'm wondering how I'm behaving and how much of that is reactions to my abortion that haven't been worked out yet. I need to feel some hope and promise that we will be able to work through this...and that I will. I dont want to compromise our engagement. I also know that he is supporting me and that he is there for me through this. He suggested that i get some help before I knew I needed it...and I'm glad he saw it. I knew I would need to at some point, and here it has come. Full blast. He has to deal with it too, because what affects me effects him. I'm worried from just reading some other posts that our relationship will survive all of this, and somehow I know it will. I still have to be realistic in seeing that there is a possibility of it. I guess if I wasnt dealing with this now, then there is 10x more chances of it not working out as opposed to 100x chances of us breaking up if I wasnt getting some help and dealing with it now. So there.
I havent told my parents yet, and I think I will have to do that. My sister knows, and a few very close girlfriends. It's still hard because I feel somewhat alone because it was my decison and my experience that only I have to deal with.
I'm kicking myself because I didnt listen to warnings about it. In a way I feel allright because I dont have to deal with a pregnancy and having another man's baby in this relationship I'm in. I wonder if the most wonderful man in my life now would have ever happened if I was pregnant now.
I believe in God, and have a strong belief in that...I just wish I had a stronger belief in not aborting before I did it. When I was making the decision I did a lot of research...I posted on a board somewhere for advice. I did get the advice that I shouldnt abort because it seemed to the person who responded that I wasnt fully convinced. Well, how could anyone fully be convinced that aborting and killing was right?! I shouldnt have done it..but I had a limited time to decide, as I was in another country and it was also cheaper there from what I understood...and that I could deal with it while i was still in that environment, before I left that place to come back to Canada and start my life new again and maybe leave that in the past. I was wrong about leaving it in the past that much. So that's anther issue.
Now I am posting here, and awaiting an appointment for counselling, and trying to cope and not feel too alone. I'm so glad for my fiance being willing to be with me through this, and I really want to know how to deal with him as well. He's going through some things that I'm not sure how to understand or how well I can be there for him through it. I suppose we'll just do it together. I'm so scared of losing him over my stupid issues and me living in my past. I want to explain something I have no way to explain to him to help him understand how I feel...
I will do my best where i'm at and that's all I can do. I will trust God that He has forgiven me because I've asked him to, but I have to work to forgive myself and not project my hurt or unforgiveness of myself on to others and other situations in my life.
I will do my best where i'm at and that's all I can do.
Please help me out and I'd like to see what you think about this story...my story...