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This board is for women who are suffering after an abortion, and want a place to express their pain and get support for healing.

This is a moderated board and personally abusive messages will not be approved.

For any questions about this board or for a free packet of healing information, email DCHERYL51@yahoo.comorCHERYL51@mail.com

For online resources Silent No More Awareness

Operation Outcry

Unplanned Pregnancy Message Board

Also here is my website: Post Abortion Help and Healing



Subject: Is it normal to be angry?


Author:
Erin
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Date Posted: 21:20:43 09/18/08 Thu

I just need to know I am not alone. Although I know it was completely my responsibility, from contraception to consenting an abortion: I am SO angry. I've lost a lot of people I once cared about because NO ONE understands what I'm going through right now. It could have a lot to do with the fact that my boyfriend left me the day after we got the abortion he wanted... I just have a fire inside that I can't extinguish. To make matters worse, I pace back and forth awaiting the results of this TOO SOON to tell pregnancy test because of my rebound and carelessness reactions to all the previous events. I'm just at a point where I'm spinning out of control. I just want to shed this anger. Like I said, I've lost a lot and it's not getting any better...

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Subject: my story, and aftermath


Author:
BB
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Date Posted: 11:45:21 03/22/08 Sat

I got pregnant in my first semester of college. I moved with my boyfriend who I have loved for three years. We moved to a different country for college, and I was pregnant within the first month of living there. I had been sexually active since I was fifteen, and always a huge stickler for safe sex, so you can imagine my surprise when i found out I was pregnant! I was in disbelief, and I was shocked, and I had always told myself that if I ever got pregnant before I was ready, I would have an abortion.
Being in a different country, I was unfamiliar with the health care. I went to a clinic to get a doctor to confirm my pregnancy. she was impatient and insensitive to me. I was crying, and all she wanted to know was what was my decision--"are you keeping it or not?" I guess time was money to her....I told her it was the worst time for me to be pregnant, and she started shoving planned parenthood pamphlets in my hand and was obviously ready to send me out. I was shocked, and terrified. My loving boyfriend carted me over to the lab for my blood test. I was convulsing and hysterical. I left the office feeling scared and alone. I was alone in a a foreign country, with no friends, no family except my boyfriend, who was supportive, but also dealing with the shock of this.

Within the next few days, I had researched clinics in the area, and had an ultra sound. I was still terrified and felt so alone. I had decided not to tell anyone originally, but I broke down and called my best friend. I told her everything, and she insisted on flying me out to come home for the procedure. I knew I needed the support of her to get me through this.
On the day of the abortion, I got a surprise from the nurses there. They told me that I had to have blood work and an ultra sound again because the ones I sent to them were not accurate. Turns out, my ultrasound was not actually administered by a radiologist....just a nurse taking a guess at my gestation period...and the blood work, (which I was later charged $350 for) was completely useless and would have to be redone. The two original procedures had cost me over $500. I come from a place where health care is covered, so you can imagine my shock when I was told I had to pay so much for something that I thought was everyone's right as a human being.

I made the right decision to go back home. The doctors and nurses were so supportive and kind, and my best friend waited in the waiting room for me all day. The experience it self was as good as I suppose it can be, but the aftermath still haunts me.
After I returned home, I became depressed, felt isolated and like no one understood. I also felt like my mother instinct had suddenly turned on. Everytime I saw a baby, or a pregnant woman I cried....anytime and anywhere. I missed my child, I talked to him, I had names for him, I imagined his face. I was a mess, and the worst part was that no one knew, and I had no one to confide in. I was still new at school, and didn't exaclty feel like being social for several months.
I had flashbacks, and nightmares, and my sexuality felt completely diminished. My partner and I still have sexual problems that I seriously want to get over. The first time we had sex since the abortion, I felt violated, like I was being raped, and I had to tell him to stop (which he was very gentlemanly about) it took several encounters for this feeling to even go away a little bit. Even to this day (its been almost 2 years) I feel ashamed about my sexual feelings, and ashamed to be having sex. I had never felt ashamed of sex until now. My family is not religious, so i don't know where this shame is coming from. Its like, when we try to become intimate, I feel guilty, and embarrassed that I am about to have sex. Then (sorry if this is a weird image) it feels almost like if my parents walked in on us in the act, and I can't get rid of it. My partner has been so patient with me, but I understand that he has needs too, and as his partner, I want to satisfy him. I am afraid this will destroy us if I do not resolve it somehow.
Well I'm sorry this is so long. There is much more I want to say, but I'll save it for another day. Does anyone else experience these sexual problems?
Thanks for listening,
BB

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Subject: Auto pilot...


Author:
Natalie (it just takes time...when will time be done?)
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Date Posted: 16:04:51 09/16/07 Sun

Im 22 years old and my boyfriend is 25. My boyfriend and I were together for two years. After which he broke up with me in May this year, we then got back together and about 5 weeks ago broke up again. The next day I found out I was pregnant. Although we had broken up, when I told him I expected him to give me a hug and offer me support. Instead he asked me if it was his and if I had planned it and then he threw up in the sink. After a week of knowing I did what everyone told me was the right thing to do and had an abortion.

When I was in the chair I cried my eyes out...the anaethesist kept asking me "are you sure of your decision?" and I just kept crying. He then wanted to send me home because he didnt think I was certain I wanted to go through with it. The dr that had done the consultation prior then came in and grabbed my hand and stroked my head and asked what was going on. I dont remember what was said between them and the next thing I knew I was being put to sleep...when I woke up...my baby was gone.

Since that day I have felt numb. empty. sick. guilty. alone. I didnt take any pain killers because I felt like I should have to feel the pain...I guess as a way of punishing myself. About two weeks ago I was driving to work in the rain. A car came so close to hitting me and when I thought it was going to collide...I felt relieved. It didnt...and I pulled over and cried uncontrollably.

I have never felt so unhappy...I feel like I've always felt this way. Like a dark cloud has settled on my mind and I cant remember why waking up in the morning is a good thing.

I picture my baby and the song tears in heaven plays in my head and I wonder if I will see my baby in heaven...I wonder if I'll even be let in.

I know there are people that are far worse off and are suffering from horrible things like cancer or have lost arms and legs or are restricted to a wheelchair for life and its probably unfair of me to say "why me" in comparison...but I feel like I was given a bat to ward off the curve balls life throws at us...and after the last 6 months I feel as though it has dwindled down to a twig thats about to break.

Im just going through the motions now. On auto-pilot. Im there physically...but not in any other presence...and noone seems to notice. Or they do buts its easier for them to not because they don't no what to say. I dont want to feel like this...I want to smile and laugh and not 'move on' but be at peace with what has happened...

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Subject: I Hate talking About This.


Author:
Kayla (confused)
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Date Posted: 01:24:50 09/27/08 Sat

I had an abortion on November 10, 2007. I was 17 years old. The guy I was with was going to prison for 5 - 10 years soon after I discovered I was pregnant. The baby was 7 weeks old when it was aborted. After the abortion I started hating my "then" boyfriend. I couldn't even stand the sight of him and honestly, I haven't seen or talked to him since he's gone to jail. I still hate him, which could be a part of me blaming him. I don't know. All I know is that the abortion was the worst physical and emotional pain I have ever felt.
To make things worse, I started dating someone a month later. I found out I was pregnant AGAIN on January 25, 2008. This time, I was willing to have the baby. The guy (who I am still with now :) ) was amazing and very supportive. By the time we had actually gotten excited about this child, I had a miscarraige - due to the scar tissue from my previous abortion only two months before. I wasn't trying to get pregnant, and I know I should have gotten myself on some kind of contraceptive. The only thing is that I could not get on the pill after my abortion because I was only 17, and I had not (and still haven't) told my parents about it. In Indiana, you must be 18 to purchase any kind of birth control pills. Plus. the guys is allergic to latex.
Anyways, if this is possible in any way, I felt worse with my miscarraige than I did my abortion. I love the man I am with now, and it hurt to see something we both wanted fall apart like that.

Adding on the story, now I am 18 years old and living near him. (At the time of the pregnancy/miscarraige we lived 1000 miles away from each other). I have been taking birth control since my miscarraige, but I just discovered today that I am pregnant... again.

The only thing I am truly scared of is it ended badly again.

Advice?

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Subject: still suffering


Author:
Angie
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Date Posted: 14:24:14 08/26/08 Tue

wow i was looking online for a site like this where i can speak about it.
My boyfriend and I have been together two years. when we first got together he had just broken up with his baby-mama (3 boys) and so we took things easy not wanting to make things b/w them bad. i found out i was pregnant 6 mos into the relationship. he immediantly stated his case...he did not want another kid, he wanted me to have an abortion. i am totally against abortion and have always wanted a child. we argued about it for a week until he said that if i kept the baby he would have to go back with his ex so that she wouldnt put child support on him. (basically it would be cheaper to pay cs on 1 kid instead of 3) all i heard was that i would loose him and raise a baby on my own. he kept pressuring me about it for another week until i finally broke down and said i would do it. at the hospital i stil had doubts but he would just say we cant afford one now, we're not in a good position now, etc. I had the ab May 21, 2007 at 9 weeks. after the procedure i didnt feel any different. he was very attentive, took me to his house to recover. i didnt tell anyone but his and my best friend (who thought it was a terrible mistake) i went back to work and everything seemed fine until a couple months later when it just hit me. i relized i had ****** my child. my boss had her baby in July and we visited her in the hospital. that was the hardest thing. to see her holding her newborn baby, thats when started becoming depressed. i started crying over everything, no interest in my hobbies or work, i was angry at everyone but especially pregnant women or new mothers. "why do they get to be so happy, they have support and love" i then started cotemplating sucide. thats when i went into counseling. he showed me that the rage because i was angry at my bf but also angry at myself. i learned to forgive my bf but i still havent forgiven myself. the guilt is something i carry everyday. thanks to counseling i no longer get angry at pg women or mothers. i can now hold my newborn cousin w/o sobbing. my bf and i talk about getting married and having a child then. he thnks im fine b/c i dont talk about it. but im not i just hide it real well. the time i relapsed was on my due date and the anniversay of the ab. if i could turn back time and change things that would be the one thing i would change. i now say i only have one regret in life and that is choosing a man over my baby. Never Again.

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Subject: How to move forward. Have so much resentment


Author:
Kris
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Date Posted: 00:08:43 05/05/08 Mon

I was with my boyfriend on and off for 5 years when I got pregnant. After being together for 6 months when we first met he broke up with me and got another girl pregnant. After they had the baby they broke up and he wanted to get back together with me. He was so excited and happy to have a baby with her. So after him breaking up with me and having a baby with someone , he then wanted me back. So I took him back , I loved him dearly , I even broke off my engagement at the time to be with him . I have always loved him. After 3 months of being back together , I found out I was pregnant. I was in total shock . I called him and told him I was pregnant , knowing that I was keeping it... I have and still am AGAINst abortion. He cried and begged me to get an abortion. I told him NO i was keeping it. Prior to finding out i was pregnant , I started to see that he wasnt the man I wanted to be with . He wasnt there for me like I needed him to be , He wasnt a good step father to my 4 year old son, He wasnt ready to commit , he just didnt give me what I wanted and deserved in a relationship , I always came second to his baby mama , So about 2 weeks before i found out i was pregnant I was planning on breaking it off with him. So after I told him I was keeping it , he told me so many horrible things aboout keeping it , and he scared me . But I was still going through with it. He wasnt there for any dr visits , wasnt there for me emotionally , he wasnt the man that I could be with , He wasnt a family man , he didnt even aknowledge the fact taht I was pregnant, Nothing. He came to my house every night and drank alchol , well I was sitting there sick , Complained that we were going to sleep so early lately , and asked me how much longer do I have to deal with me being sick all the time... plenty more thing he did that upset me ( way to many to type). So already being a single mother for 4 years I realized he isnt the person that I can be with or deserve to be with . Me and my son deserve someone better. So after about 6 wks of really thinking about it and seeing his actions , I told him I was going to get the abortion and couldnt be with him anymore. The day of the procedure I was in the office and they took my blood and I almost fainted they had to lay me down , I was hysterical crying in the room , The SO CALLED COUNSELING they give you before hand was not counseling at all , it was sign here and sign there stop crying. I tried to call him , I left him a message and text message that I was scared and DID NOT want to do it. He never called me back. all he had to do was answer my call or call me back and tell me to leave... AnD I would be having my baby in 4 wks. I let about 4 people go ahead of me ...well I sat there and cried ... i did not want to do it .... but i was oviously selfish and knew that he wasnt right for me and finally went into the procedure room and couldnt even breath , the dr didnt even talk to me or say anything ... I woke up and that was the end ,of a messed up beginning. I went into a deep and still am in a deep depression , I cry all the itme , I dont want to do anytthing, I cant watch anything with pregnant women in it or babies , i cant even watch horror movies or any kind of movie with blood because it makes me think of an abortion ... it changed me so much. Having to do something u never thought u would do , were always against , and didnt want to do. Is horrible. I had already thought of names for the baby. When his X got pregnant he was soo excited and happy . They were broken up at the time that should found out and we were getting back together , she called him told him she was pregnant and he broke up with me again , broke my heart again and said im going to be a daddy and we are going to be a family I cant be with u anymore. Why couldnt he be like that when i told him about our baby , Why did he have to be such a coward , why couldnt he give our baby a chance like his other baby. So we broke up when I got the abortion. I was so upset , I needed to talk to him and just say sorry , because saying sorry to him was like saying sorry to my baby. So after saying sorry and telling him how depressed i was he asked to hang out. So we started to hang out every day and he told me how much he loved me and cant be with out me and wants to get married , but when i was pregnant he said he didnt want to get married and wasnt sure if we were going to be together forever . So now just 2 months later after the fact you want everything that I wanted when I was pregnant , but couldnt and wouldnt give it to me. So here I am 4 months later still with him back together , And every day that goes by I resent him more and more for making me do what I did , More and more I cant even look at him , the closer it comes to my due date the more discusted I am of him. Why now does he want to move out together and get married but a few months back when we were blessed with a miracle he was a total jerk.

I love him , he has been my best friend for 5 years now , even though he broke my heart and acted the way he did. But i resent him so much lately and more and more everyday . That I dont think I can be with him anymore. Will the resentment ever go away? The baby that he has now , I cant even see pics of or hear stories about what he did with him for the day because i just think thats what my baby could have looked like , why couldnt he be a daddy to our baby like he is to him. Why couldnt our baby get a chance to have two awesome parents. Its really hard for me. THe part that really upsets me is that he doesnt have a care in the world about the baby that we could have had. I cry to him about it and he say it will get better. He never ONCE said I am so sorry that I couldnt be a responsible father , im sorry that we didnt give the baby a chance , im sorry we messed up . NOTHING like that at all. He says dont worry it will get better.

I just dont know if I can stay with him and be able to move on from these horrible feeling. HELP Please . What should I do . Should I stay or should I GO??? THANK YOU anyone who reads my story and response.

All I can say I will never ever let this happen to me again. I will be less selfish and more responsible next time. Regardless of anything.

I love my baby so much . And I wish I can just hold her/him.

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