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This board is for women who are suffering after an abortion, and want a place to express their pain and get support for healing.

This is a moderated board and personally abusive messages will not be approved.

For any questions about this board or for a free packet of healing information, email DCHERYL51@yahoo.comorCHERYL51@mail.com

For online resources Silent No More Awareness

Operation Outcry

Unplanned Pregnancy Message Board

Also here is my website: Post Abortion Help and Healing


Subject: my story


Author:
KP
[Edit]
Date Posted: 02:43:03 10/23/07 Tue
I just wanted to post because I feel that every single person that posts stories is christian or religious and I am not. I just wanted other women like myself to have a story or just... anything to relate to. I'm 21 years old and I had my abortion in May, I was 6 weeks along. Honestly, I've never wanted a child and neither did my boyfriend of the time but once I found out I was pregnant, it was like everything was different for me. I wanted to keep the baby and my boyfriend didn't understand what had changed my mind. I had to go alone because he was ashamed of what happened. I still feel so angry at myself because while a part of me feels it was the best thing to do, part of me still feels like I just got the abortion because he wanted me to. That anger has ruined our friendship and we no longer speak. I have nightmares about me drowning my baby and they're almost more than I can take. I think of the "what if's" everyday and it just doesn't feel like it's getting any easier.

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Subject: Someday You Will Have to Do Something


Author:
Dlila
[Edit]
Date Posted: 17:25:05 03/03/06 Fri
I am 50 years old. To many here that seems ancient. I had my abortion 28 years ago. I was an unmarried mom (very taboo in the early 70's) with a 2 year old. The father was killed in a car accident & already knowing how hard it was as a single mom to support a child at minimum wage, abortion seemed the only answer. I can tell you, the pain never goes away, but it gets easier to bear. The feeling of loss never goes away, but you can find joy in things you may have taken for granted before.
Reading this board I cried, a lot. None of you are alone. You all belong to a great secret sisterhood the world would rather forget about and ignore. It soothes their collective conscience when they put their 'Keep Abortion Legal' bumper stickers on their cars. I have told my son and anyone who would listen that the only people who should vote on abortion laws are those who have actually experienced it. I especially never want to hear a man tell me why it is the right thing to do.
What I want to say is that someday you will have to do something about it. I drove to the gravesite of my babies father and asked him to watch over our baby till I got to heaven. I did this at 3am and drove 6 hours to get there, but I just had to do something. This was 3 years after my abortion, and as silly as it sounds it did start me on my way to healing. I could go to bed at night without crying myself to sleep.
Some of you may need to seek counseling but be careful, like I said, the world in general doesn't like to admit abortion leaves casualties like us littering the landscape. Let yourself grieve, and don't feel guilty. A baby lost is a baby lost. Be gentle with yourself and others, a child doesn't know what he hasn't experienced until it is too late (Don't touch that it's hot!). Same as we did not know what it would really be like until we had done it. The same as your parents, boyfriends, husbands, etc., do not know & never will. You can try to explain, but most of the time the lack of first hand knowledge results in complete ignorance.
I include those who have had more than one in the above paragraph as well. We tend to numb ourselves to emotional pain until it will not be ignored, and in doing so we sometimes leave ourselves open to repeat that which pained us.
Turn your pain to something good. If you want to, get involved in pro-life causes, share your story, counsel others to listen to their hearts, and nothing else. If that is too hard or against your principals, volunteer at an animal shelter, feed stray animals, deliver food to shut ins, or just give a few dollars to the homeless. These things are not to buy your way into heaven, or get rid of your feeling of guilt. They are to lift your spirit, they open your eyes to the fact you are a part of the human race, they use your pain to relieve the pain of others who are suffering. When you can see the grateful wagging of a mistreated animals tail, or the smile on an old mans face when you bring him some hot soup, it makes it easier and easier to look in the mirror and see that you are not a monster. You made a mistake. You regret it. Life will not turn back for you, but it can go on.

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Subject: 2 abortions in 1 year


Author:
Rachelle (High's and Low's)
[Edit]
Date Posted: 01:20:58 12/19/07 Wed
I have had 2 abortions this year. The first abortion was hard enough to decide, the second? I never thought that i would have to make that decision again...
Deciding to have my first abortion i had to distinguish between my head or my heart. In my heart i knew it wasn't the right thing to do. In my mind I knew that i couldn't financially afford to have a child even though my partner was 100% supportive. we both had decided not to keep it.

After the first abortion my whole life turned. I lost all my confidence, optimism, spirituality, motivation, self esteem, you name it. i fell into a dark hole of depression. i could see my relationship slowly deteriorating. I felt like i had no control over my emotions. I became so erratic and unreasonable. I didn't even know who i was anymore or who i was becoming. My partner would reassure me everyday and support me emotionally and still felt resentment. i started to binge drink. That was the only thing that would make me feel normal. I came out of my shell. i didn't care. but the days i would stop i would become a recluse. I had never felt to insecure in my life. i neglected all of my friends. I told a few of my friends and they were sympathetic towards my situation, but i felt like i was a burden telling them my one problem that was consuming my whole life. so i shut the door on them without reason. I was exhausted emotionally. i had nothing to give to anyone. Some day's i would feel great and see some light at the end of the tunnel. most day's i would feel down. Everything became numb. i felt like i was on auto pilot. Soon after i started to have anxiety attacks. I was so scared. It lasted months. I quit my job and didn't leave the house. I was bed ridden. weeks pass, and i started to feel ok. i had a small feeling of belief that i could start to move forwards. Within that same week of feeling belief, i found out that i was pregnant again...

Why is this happening? what have i done wrong. I'm on the pill and i fall pregnant twice in a year. what's wrong with me? Doctors told me that i am highly fertile. so why didn't they put me on a stronger pill the first time from preventing this happening the second time??
How was i to make a decision the second time while i had been suffering from Post abortion the first.
The decision the second time i couldn't even think about. This time i was to go with my heart. i felt no response. numb... Finance or not, that wasn't going to affect our decision. If i am unhappy, how could i bring a child up in this world? I don't feel love, so how am i going to give love?
we decided to have another abortion..

To have made the decision the first time, i would have never thought that i would have to make that decision again. The time i fell pregnant the second my first would have been born...

I don't feel numb anymore... i don't know what i feel.. Is there hope?
The days when i am up, it's like someone took my memories and it all never happened. The days when i'm down i can't stop crying. when am i going to feel happy again?
Is there anything i can do or read to void the pain?

Will i ever have clarity?

Rachelle

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Subject: abortion


Author:
growing (uncomfortable)
[Edit]
Date Posted: 08:06:20 08/26/07 Sun
Please, bear with me I talk too much.

I had my third abortion 15 days ago. I am posting this message because I am changing and need help navigating these uncharted territories.

Bulletin: I am 21 days shy of 30 years of age.

For the past decade, I thought: at this stage in my life, if I were to become pregnant, I would definitely have the baby.

I came to this conclusion ten years ago. When I was a 19-year-old-college student and found out I was pregnant, abortion was the obvious choice for me. Complete and utter ignorance as well as a lack of responsibility resulted in an immediate pregnancy six months later. I felt no guilt about either, just remorse and a strong sense of responsibility. I vowed to never be in the unwanted pregnancy position again.

For the past ten years, I practiced the safest sex possible, next to celibacy, for several reasons:

1)Because of my own childhood, I have always wanted to bring a child into the world under the best conditions possible; parents deeply committed to family (including each other); spiritual, emotional and financial stability

2)I did not care to alter my lifestyle and career for a child and

3)I never wanted to have an abortion again because I felt it was wrong.

Midway into my 20's, submerged in my career, I realized just how important family and living out your life's passion was to me.

Last year, I finally worked up the courage to make a career change and pursue my dreams. I was fired.

To date, I have been unemployed for over a year.

I made huge life changes and sacrifices, including buying a more economical car and moving in with my mother (whom I currently live with, Yuck!). It's been tough but I believe in the reward.

While, deciding to make these changes, I was in an emotionally unsupported relationship. Needless to say, it ended.

Earlier this year, I began dating, the beautiful man, an acquaintance of seven years and friend of three, I intend to spend the rest of my life with. We began making plans for our life together. He left his job in which he traveled 90% out of the month to move closer to our future.

Shortly thereafter, I learned I was pregnant.

I didn't miss a beat... I immediately thought... Abortion.

How surprising! Seriously. "But I want to have children", I thought. With him! "Why, then, is my first thought, abortion?"

I talked it over with my boyfriend and learned he was adamantly against abortion. He considered it amoral.

This was not our first conversation about abortion. He knew about my abortions in the past and my desire for a family. We had also discussed my actions in the event a pregnancy occurred between us. Naturally, I would have the baby. After all, we were starting a life and a family together.

He was hurt by my decision to abort and viewed it as weak and an obvious display of my distrust in him. What?!

Later conversations with trusted friends allowed him to open his mind to this choice as one which was uniquely mine and was not a reflection of him or our relationship.

I know that this is hard for him and that he has emotional issues related to this abortion that are difficult for him to understand or control. I knew that he, unlike me, might never get pass this decision. And I knew that the survival of our relationship might hinge on my decision.

I gave it four weeks before committing to the abortion.

Ultimately, I concluded it was the best decision for me, considering my financial state.

Afterwards, I knew what to expect from my body but was caught off guard by my emotions.

I am a mess.

I feel like a horrible person who doesn't deserve any goodness in my life. My boyfriend is so affected he is unable to be his usually affectionate self with me because he admittedly doesn't feel "as in love with me". And, one of my closest friends called to give me the good news; she and her husband are three months pregnant with their second child. I was perfectly jealous! I wish I could go back, not just 15 days but to whenever I started to change my mind about the conditions of accepting the responsibilities of my actions, i.e.: pregnancy yields baby. I cry inconsolably and find it difficult to sleep. Normally, a confident person, I feel insecure and unsure of myself, especially with regard to my relationship.

How does a relationship survive this? Is there anything I can do? Should I just give him time to heal?

I am scared things won't get better?

I feel as though, I lack faith.

I know this may sound trivial to people saying they miss their babies and I hope I don't offend anyone. But I don't think of their birthdays or their eyes. I'm sorry, I just don't feel that way because I know I made the best decision for us. Us, the family that we will have.

Why, then, do I feel so guilty? How do I find peace with my decision and hope for my future? How do I regain my strength and confidence?

I am so sorry that I have mouthed off uncontrollably but I needed to vent and to others who possibly share my experience. If there is anyone out there who cares to positively respond, I would greatly appreciate hearing from you.

Thank you... Growing

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Subject: Did I do the right thing?


Author:
Cecilia (sad)
[Edit]
Date Posted: 11:16:38 11/06/07 Tue
Hi my name is Cecilia. Its been 4 months after my abortion. Im only 17 junior in high school. The father of my baby was 16. He was my best friend since 6th grade. We both decide to keep it but the moment I let my sister know and couple of friends. It became different. They let me know all the bad things about keeping it. Which scared me so then I decided not to keep it nomore. The father of my baby we are no longer friends. I hate myself I lost 2 of people who I loved more than anything in my life. Just because I let people scary me. Sometimes I wish something bad would happen to me because its what I deserve. I regret it so much I wish I could of done everything different! Will I ever be okay with what i did? I am I was gonna feel this pain in me?

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Subject: dnt know whats wrong


Author:
pauline
[Edit]
Date Posted: 01:43:08 11/13/07 Tue
im a christian,20 years old and i had an abortion 2 weeks ago. i know many will judge me but i had no choice. i have never spoken to anyone about it as the one friend i have told is ignoring me and i dont know why. My boyfirend never wants to talk about it and i feel like i need someone who will understand where im coming from.

Icome from a christian home and yes i feel bad about what i did. Sometimes i wish i didnt do it and that my parent swould hav gotten used to it but i knw my dad would have disowned me. i just need someone who will tell me that God still loves me and that he still cares. Im all alone and idont want to be..

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Subject: Lost-Can't hold on


Author:
Kenny
[Edit]
Date Posted: 15:34:20 11/24/07 Sat
I Got divorced in 1994 after a while i met a girl and lost my head and we married and was terribly unhappy so i divorced. I felt bad about the divorce but i had tried to get out before the marriage but she wouldn't have it.Then the big thing happened. I met the love of my life. She was beautiful ever thing i ever wanted total happiness seemed like.As weeks went by things started coming to light that was things that i never dreamed a nice woman would do.But for some reason i couldn't let go of her.Then one day she told me she was pregnant. She said that she had never been pregnant before.She wanted to have an abortion.We was having problems from the other things but i wanted to believe that some how we could overcome the previous life before we met. and i said to her she could have the abortition. she started making arrangements. we talked about it every day. We said it was murder. Even though we talked about it being murder i started trying to get her not to do it.I wanted to show her how much i could love her and be her's. To the last day i tried to love her into keeping it.Our doctor told her that it would not be as she thought.Her gynecologist would not treat her anymore if she did it.We had started seeing a counselor for the previous problems before she got pregnant. She tried to advise her not to do it. She was crying one day and said there is a little Tracy or Kenny growing inside me. She didn't want to kill it she said. Seemed everything would be ok. Then in just a couple of days she started saying things like this f--ing thing inside me is f--ing up my body. And other horrible things and she went forward with the plans to have the abortition. As the time neared i tried to love her out of that decision. I would try to get her to have it and give it to me if there was no chance for us to have it.Since the abortition i have searched every where in my soul could i have done anything else. How could i have let this happen. How can time be turned back.What can i do. Lord please come and get me. I can't stand to live life here anymore. I take antidepressants.I cry inside daily.I look at my job and i think i just can't stand to carry this heavy load and do this job.I am a man how can this affect me so. Yet i just can't get this off my mind.I love her still but i hate her to if that can be.If you know of help for me please reply.

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Subject: Pain


Author:
Kayla (regretful)
[Edit]
Date Posted: 01:54:38 12/09/07 Sun
In May of this year my now husband and i gave up our first child and had a medicinal abortion. We did this because we were both only 18 and he had a budding career in the Navy. and having a pregnant girlfriend before boot camp is a big no no. Later on we discovered we could have kept our baby and his Naval career. He refuses to talk about what happened because he decided he wanted our child but i continued with the abortion. i was thinking of our future and it wasn't fair to our child to give it a life where we were financially unstable. i've now gotten to the point where i want to talk. i have for several months now but my husband refuses and wants to pretend it never happened. it's tearing our marriage apart. i don't know what to do. As December 23rd, the day our baby was due, gets closer i have an ever building pain locked inside me. What am i suppposed to do? we want to try to have a family but i can't until i'm over this baby. i can't fully deal without my husband dealing as well. How can i make my husband deal with what happened? I think he hasn't forgiven me for hurting him. i just need help.

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Subject: Christmas


Author:
Kris
[Edit]
Date Posted: 11:11:51 12/14/07 Fri
The Burden of Hope
From Jars of Clay
“Christmas Reflections”
“But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.” Luke 2:19
Christmas comes each year with its dangerous invitation to hope. Yet for most of us, this invitation feels more like an inconvenience and a burden. We see this burden from the very beginning, as Mary herself pondered the meaning of all of these things, I wonder how many of her personal hopes and dreams were on the altar at this moment. Surely this was not the life that she had dreamed for herself, and who could possibly understand the road that she was about to walk? Who would go with her? As she began to consider all that she would lose along this journey the invitation to hope must have felt callous and far-fetched.
If you are like me this is where most of my adult Christmas’ have been spent, burdened and heavy under the Hope that promises much but asks for everything along the way. Maybe this is your story this year, maybe your losses have been deep and painful. Maybe you stand in the reality of every Christmas from now on being a bitter reminder of those that are no longer with you, and things that have been lost along the way. If this is you take courage from Mary who somehow found a way to move from deep pondering and introspection to singing. Somewhere along the road the question of her life ceases to become “If you knew me and loved me God how could you ask this of me” to “God who do you see when you look at me?” Somewhere along the way her hope was unfettered to all those good things that she had hoped her life would be and became anchored to God’s hopes for her.
“for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant. From now on all generations will call me blessed,” – Luke 2:48
Subject: Sex after abortion


Author:
Maria
[Edit]
Date Posted: 23:58:16 07/19/07 Thu
Hi. I had a second trimester abortion on 7/10/07. It's been 2 weeks after the abortion and I have been on birth control for a week. Is it safe to have un-protected sex??

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Subject: I need help for my sister.


Author:
Me
[Edit]
Date Posted: 02:10:56 11/05/07 Mon
She had an abortion about 18 years ago. She was only 16 at the time. She confided in me and we didn't tell our parents ... until she had a breakdown some months later and they found out.

Now all these years later grown up, responsible and in a happy marriage her and her partner are trying to have a family. Two years ago she lost a baby at 19 weeks and now she is finally pregnant again ... now 15 weeks.

Since my sister's abortion she has pretty much suffered from depression. Perhaps she always would have even without the abortion. I guess we will never know.

In this pregnancy the depression is worse than ever. She has spent the past four weeks in a psychiatric hospital where they took her off her current medication and changed it to one more suitable for a pregnant/breastfeeding woman. That seems to have made her worse.

She has spent the whole pregnancy crying. Not just crying but sobbing. Full on sobbing the whole time. It's scary talking to her on the phone ... she lives four hours away. Although she hasn't threatened to do so (at least that I've heard) I'm frightened she is going to harm herself and her baby).

I'm sure she is now finally really grieving for her aborted baby and understanding even moreso just how precious new life is. But I'm scared its all going to be too much for her. She is unable to work, unable to do anything. It's hard being so far away from her. She doesn't have a wonderful relationship with my mum and dad so even though they are aware of what's going on and they are desperately worried and unhappy for her she wants her own space from them. She talks to them on the phone but they live 6 hours away so having them with her would mean they would have to stay with her and that is too close!

What can I do for my sister? I'm thinking that her problem could be that perhaps she doesn't think she is going to be a good mum and she is scared. I'm going to visit her in a couple of weeks and I want to say these things for her. She is a wonderful person and she deserves a happy and fullfilling life. I'm worried she thinks God doesn't want her to have a baby or that she doesn't deserve a baby or perhaps even as I mentioned above she won't be a good mother and she is almost trying to kill her baby. What is going through her mind?

What can I do to help my poor sister? Advice please?

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Subject: abortion


Author:
noria (enternally regretful)
[Edit]
Date Posted: 19:39:42 10/16/07 Tue
About 16 years I had an abortion. I was 16 years old
my boyfriend was a lot older than me- he couldn't support the baby or me. I remember I wanted to keep the baby so badly but I couldn't. I was a baby myself. the reason I aborted was because I felt the baby was going to have deformities and I could not handle that. I drank a bit and I was electricuted by a christmas light cord. I married that boyfriend-still marrried to him with two beautiful kids. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep because of that beautiful baby- I decided to abort. I wish I can turn back the clock and say no to sex and yes to our Lord. I wish I can be a much more devoted Catholic and I hope that my baby found a better home in the hands of Jesus- because I couldn't. I am so sorry baby! I don't want to be forgiven I just want to acknowledge the fact that I did something wrong I will never forgive myself. I will never forget

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Subject: Sad


Author:
Mable
[Edit]
Date Posted: 13:48:04 10/03/07 Wed
I am 23 and married for almost 2 years. I had my abortion on September 29/07. This was a planned pregnancy, we've been together for 4 years and decided to try. We got pregnant on the first try! We were so excited! the first few weeks were great, we had just bought a new townhouse with extra bedroom for the baby, our marriage is great! then it hit me, the morning sickness just a little at first then all day!!! i quit my job because i was going to be a stay at home mom anyways, I was admitted into the hospital at 7 weeks i stayed there for 2weeks sick they eventually found a chemo drug that delt with the nauseous feeling but i just couldn't stop throwing up, they didn't know what to do. I was into stage 3 high risk prescribed drugs before they did the tests i had alot of keytones which means my body was eating itself to try and support the baby! i lost 20 lbs and i didn't have alot extra to begin with, my veins couldn't support the drugs they were giving me so the put in a pick line a large tube that travels up you arm and shoulder so that the viens won't break anymore i went through 14 Iv's in 12 days. i had no veins left, the baby was okay but they wanted me in the hospital for the next 5-7 weeks and i was still so sick, i didn't know what to do i felt like the drugs i had to take were hurting the baby and that even the high risk ones weren't doing alot and i was so tired and so sick and my husband was so worried about me i didn't know what else to do so i had an abortion at 11 weeks and now i miss my baby, you never really get to say goodbye and i'll never get to hold him, i just keep picturing him crying for his mommy and he's scared and alone and i just want to be there with him. My husband is amazing and i can't complain we are actually closer then ever but i just don't think he can possibly feel the way that i do. I just want to stop crying and feel better but i don't know if i can! i miss him and i want him back i feel like i gave up and i'm so ashamed!

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Subject: A recent abortion is ruining my life...


Author:
Ashleigh
[Edit]
Date Posted: 00:23:32 09/27/07 Thu
Where to begin? First off, I just turned 23, I'm married and I'm a military spouse. My husband is currently deployed, due home in January some time. I had an abortion in April of this year, and am having an incredibly hard time letting it go. I hate myself for what I did, or for what we, as in my husband and I, did. There isn't a day that goes by that I dont think about what happened. I would have been due in November, and I keep thinking about "What if I would have kept it?" and its slowly making me fall into a deeper and deeper depression. As a result, I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and I'm on anti-depressants. I'm not good with talking about my feelings and emotions, so its putting a huge strain on my marriage. I have so much guilt and remorse over what we did and part of me blames my husband for the choice we made, even though it was US who made the decision. I can't talk about the abortion without breaking down into tears, I have suicidal thoughts and I have even began cutting myself. I dont even know who I am anymore! We decided to end the pregnancy because, one he's in the military and this life is stressful enough to deal with, without bringing a child into the mix. Two, we knew he was deploying in July and would miss the pregnancy and the birth and I didn't want to go through any of it alone and three, finacially, having a baby wasn't a smart idea. Before anyone says "Why weren't you using birth control?" I was! I forgot to take my pill 2 days in a row and it happened. I think about our baby everyday, and what he or she would have looked like, what they would have grown up to be, would they have my hair, his eyes...I think about all of it. The abortion was the worst thing I have ever done and I dont know how to deal with it and start healing. My husband is effected by it too and has deep feelings about it and its really putting a strain on us. Can anyone help us??

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Subject: So _soon


Author:
Hanna
[Edit]
Date Posted: 15:06:19 09/09/07 Sun
Mid July I had an abortion, at that time it was stressful, family issues, finance, university and work etc...added to that my b/f does not feel he can deal with an unplanned pregancy. the only support he can give is financial...what I needed most was the emotional support to deal with my family..family support was a major issued that i could not deal with (family that lives by the society..father is a preacher etc )..it would of been the first child out of wedlock, destory their perfect image in socity and i can go on and on

After 8 weeks of my abortion (no one except my b/f and best friend have this knowledge)someone in my dept (floor at work) is pregnant and everyone is exciting and celebrating- all the time they are talking about the morning sickness, food etc I cannot deal with it, i am happy for her but this is reminding me of my initial excitment of being pregnant and wanting the child sooo much..I cannot deal with this and don't have anyone to turn ..I think i am starting to go into depression,crying everynight and getting emotional ..what can i do? relationship with b/f is in a mess, best friend said she be suppportive but she not so supportive

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Subject: turn back time


Author:
annie
[Edit]
Date Posted: 18:58:17 08/27/07 Mon
Can you turn back time. I would give anything to go back to august 17th at 10am and stop myself. I can't believe i was so selfish and cowardly in thinking i couldn't do this on my own. I'm older, educated, great job, house, and family. Why was i so worried about this "messing up my life." What kind of excuse is that? The father didn't want it so it just made it seem the easiest thing. He doesn't know how to help and by saying "i still think it was the best decision in the long run" doesn't help me in the present. I can't even be around my 6 week old nephew for long before i have to leave and go home and breakdown. I'm jealous of pregnant wowan...actully i hate them. That is horrible to say! Why were they brave enough to face the world and have their child. Why didn't i think i could do it. why. i want a do over. now. I fell in love with this child from day one, decided i couldn't do that, aborted it, and now i want it back. When am i going to stop hating myself. I'm scared it will never be better.

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Subject: if someone kills me I don't care


Author:
sandra
[Edit]
Date Posted: 07:44:16 07/23/07 Mon
I've been married to my husband for 10 years. I've got a lovely little daughter. I love my husband and our little family dearly and would give up my life for things to stay the way they are.
Yet i had problems with him. And I strayed. I had sex with a colleague at work. I thought I could leave my husband and start a new life with my colleague. I had protected sex with my colleague and I asked for it, yet from time to time he would try to insert it in me without condom.
Last month I found out I was pregnant.
My colleague told me he is sterile and after I found out I was pregnant I asked him to do the fertility test. He's done 2 tests, one in a fertility clinic, the other one a home test. Both came negative. No sperm. I then had 3 scans to verify the gestation age and it came out that I was most fertile during those 3 days I had sex with my collegue. I got scared. Last friday I asked him to do a test in another clinic, which he refused. I asked him to try to book that on friday so I could know the result quickly. He didn't bother and said he would do it in his own time the foollowing week.
I thought his test were maybe wrong. I don't trust this guy anymore.
I panicked and I booked an abortion appointment. I was in pain because I couldn't know for sure if he is really infertile.
I had my abortion today and feel dead inside.
I did it because I realise how important my little family is and how stupid I was. I couldn't keep the baby since there was a slight chance it could not be my husband's. I could not bear the thought of loosing him and my family. Yet I feel so guilty. I went through websites to search for support from people who had abortion and came to find 2 websites. One with images of fetuses dead in pieces and another one describing how they killthe baby. I am now truly horrified. What have I done? Please please help me.

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Subject: Heart broken


Author:
Lisa (depressed)
[Edit]
Date Posted: 17:37:24 07/28/07 Sat
I'm a 16 year old that had an abortion on July 25, 2007. Just 4 days after I found out that I was pregnant. I wanted to keep my baby and I had everything planned out.

When my mom found out that I was pregnant, she said to me that I had to get an abortion. She said that my baby would be born unhealthy. I was ready for motherhood. I babysat my baby niece everyday and treated her like she was my baby.

When I went to Planned Parenthood I found out that I was 11 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I asked the nurse if I could see my baby's ultra-sound picture. She showed me it and I was just in awe. My baby looked so precious. I asked the nurse if I could have a copy of the picture and the nurse told me that I can when I come back in 2 weeks for my follow-up exam. Just an hour later I had the procedure done. I cried the whole time. Not because I was in pain; but because I was picturing my precious baby the whole time. The sound of the vacuum killed me.

When it was over, I was escorted to the recovery room. I couldn't stop crying. I missed my baby and regretted ever listening to my mom.

It has only been 2 days and I am still feeling depressed. I hate myself for what I did and I am mad at my mom for forcing me to get the procedure done. I would give ANYTHING to travel back in time to save my precious baby.

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Subject: I'm going over the edge


Author:
Jennifer
[Edit]
Date Posted: 15:05:54 07/21/06 Fri
I am a mother of 2 young kids. I love them so much. But I am done having kids (or so I thought). My husband had a vasectomy that failed and now I am pregnant. I cannot handle another baby. Mentally I just cannot! But I am scared of abortion for many reasons. I am afraid of how much it will hurt (physically). I am afraid God won't forgive me. Because I am going into it KNOWING I will be asking forgiveness afterwards. Just doesn't seem right. I would not forgive me either. I also know my mind will be totured because of guilt. But I cannot handle another child. I just can't. I am so upset I feeling like vomiting. I can't eat, sleep, hardly even care for my kids!

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Subject: Tuesday's the day 03.20.07


Author:
Eliza
[Edit]
Date Posted: 22:08:36 03/18/07 Sun
tuesday is the day. i'm 19 and frightened. my boyfriend and i have been together for 2 years and we just couldn't believe we were pregnant. as far as i know, i'm about 8 weeks. not only do i cry damn near everyday but i realized i will be going through the procedure by myself. my boyfriend won't be coming with me. i don't know what to do. i know i can't change my mind because i am in no position to raise a child. but everytime i rub my stomach i just think of what a blessing he or she could be. my parents will never no and neither will my siblings. i feel all alone. i guess i'm just posting this so can get some words of wisdom from women who have been through this already especially women my age. just any words of advice right now would be good.

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Subject: Unforgivable


Author:
sarina (depressed and hurting)
[Edit]
Date Posted: 15:47:53 11/12/06 Sun
Hi. My name is Sarina. I'm 16 years old. I had an abortion on May 11, 2006. I don't know how to feel anymore. I don't even know any words to express what I feel and think about myself. I was such a good girl. I never got in trouble at school, I had good grades, my parents and I always bumped heads, but other than that I was always very sheltered and never made any huge mistakes. Then one day the wrong boy came along. I met him at a party my friend and I were throwing on Dec. 17th 2005. He came with another mutual friend. There was no friendship with him and I. We started quickly into a relationship and we moved very quickly. Less than a week after my birthday, on January 28, 2006 I lost my virginity to him. My first time was horrible. I never talk about it with anyone, even my mom when she found out I was pregnant. After the first time, it just kept happening. Whenever he would ask, I would oblige. I was in love. It wasn't until March, when I was already two months late, that I talked to him about me being pregnant. I told him I was two months late and all he did was stare at me with a blank face. The next day, I couldn't reach him. I found out a few days later from a friend that he was out of town visiting family for 2 weeks. Those two weeks were hell for me. I was worrying and stressing and had no one to turn to talk to. The day he came back he came to my house to see me. All I remember of that day is that we were standing on my porch and he had his hands on my stomach and just whispered that we couldn't keep it. I always told myself that i would NEVER have an abortion no matter what. When your in the situation; though, you see things differently. I live in Texas, and you can't have an abortion without parental consent if your under 18. I tried thinking of anything. I was so scared to tell my parents. When finally I did tell them it was like I was pushed into a deeper level of hell. I couldn't talk to them without my mom telling me to go lay on my back or my dad calling me a "slut" or a "whore". May 9, 2006 I took my $50 and went to have a sonogram. I was 13.4 weeks pregnant. May 10th I had the first day of the abortion done. My best friends mom paid for it. My parents wanted nothing to do with me or anything. My dad just took me to the place, signed the papers, left, and came back when it was time for me to go home. The first day they had to put something in me to dilate me. The nurse said it was just going to be a little discomfort. It hurt worse than when I lost my virginity. May 11th was the same routine. I was dropped off and stripped from my waist down. I laid on a table and they gave me some kind of medicine to make me drowsy but not totally put me out. I remember the doctor walking in and opening sissors. I remember the pain, and kicking my legs until more nurses came in, but that's it. The next thing I rememember is the nurses helping me walk to the bathroom to put a pad on. Then as I was walking to the recovery room, I threw up. I saw no familiar faces. No hands of support. Nothing. I was in a cold doctors office sitting down waiting for my dad. The first weeks after I had the abortion I regretted it so much. My parents wouldn't take me back to have the check-up you're suppose to get, so I was worrying that something might get infected. Since I couldn't find a way back to the doctors I just tried to make sure I didn't do any of the things that could mess up something. I had breakdowns every night. I lost contact with my friends. I couldn't eat or sleep. I was 95 pounds then I dropped to 82. I couldn't worry about myself though. All I could think about was my baby. Through June and July I got better and worse; better and worse. None of my family talked to me. I spent my summer in isolation in my room.My father hated me. I understand it's because he is hurt,but I don't know. It can't be about him, I mean, I'm his daughter. He's had time to grieve and take steps to move forward and try to repair things with me, but yet he hasn't. I didn't mean to hurt my family, but they don't see that I'm hurting more. Ive tried to talk to them, but nothing gets through. Sometime in August I decided to just pretend I was fine. No one at school knew about what happened, so it wasn't too hard there. At home, my family and I talk when necessary, and all the rest of the time I'm confined to my room. I tried to get involved at school so that I don't have to think about what happened, and it worked for a while. I thought I had healed. Now I know that I haven't. All I did was push it to the side. My baby was going to be born in November. Halloween night I realized this, and all the things I had tried to run from hit me harder than ever before. I hear baby crying when I'm walking through the halls, and even louder at night while I lay awake at night. If I do fall asleep I have nightmares about my baby, and other dreams of my baby in heaven asking me to go be with them and keep them warm because they're lonely and they want their mother. I can't keep going on pretending. How do I forgive myself for murder? How does my baby forgive me?

I just want my baby back. I want to be pregnant again. I want to make up for what I lost. I want to be a good mother. I see girls and women all the time that have it harder than me, and they're making it. Sometimes I feel like I could have made it too. I feel like if they can do it I can too. Then other times I feel like, no Sarina, you made the right choice, you weren't ready to have a baby. You're still a baby yourself. I have reasons justifying that what I did was right and other reasons justifying what I did was wrong. How do I know which is right? Did I do the right thing? I feel like I'll never know. I loved my baby, but I don't think murdering them was a great way to show that. I want my baby back so much. I want to be pregnant again. I want to go back and change things. I know I can't, but that doesn't change the fact that I wish I could.

I hear cliche crap all the time.
"You did the right thing for you"
"There will be other times for you to be pregnant"
That all might be true, but it doesn't help. Don't tell me I can move on when I keep proving to myself that I can't. Don't tell me things are going to be fine, when they aren't even close.
I still talk to the guy who got me pregnant. We're not together anymore, but he's the only one who I can talk to that knows about what happens and doesn't judge me. He says he understands, but I know he doesn't. He didn't have to deal with any of the sh*t I did. He didn't have to kill his child. He didn't have to go through the pain. He doesn't have the nightmares at night. He's so ------- lucky. Even though I love him more than anything I think I hate him more than I hate myself becuase he allowed me to make the biggest decision of my life. He suggested it, and now he says he understands. UGH! No. I thought no one understood. I thought I was crazy. Then yesterday I took a chance and emailed Cheryl and from her site figured out that I have PAS. Wow, there's even a name for it... What do I do? How do I heal? How do I move on? Somebody... Anybody...

Replies:
Subject: wothlessness


Author:
sara
[Edit]
Date Posted: 17:57:33 05/06/06 Sat
I will start like most of the woman have started. I had an abortion jan32006.
i was 33, which adds to my guilt. what a way to start the new year. my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years didn't want kids but i always had, ever since my first abotion in 1996, something i still haven' gotten over. I told him of the after effects but i suppose he thought i could handle them. he told me we would get married, and plan a family and adopt if we had to. ( i have some femaile issues and that might of been it for me.) I am a strong and resielent gal he says. The first clinic he took me too not even a week after he heard the news was filled with protestors, i found the courage to walk out. He was upset with me and told me to think about what i had done. The next think i remember was going to the emergency room because i was having cramps, Which i found our was normal. The baby was fine. But i wasn't. I knew in order to keep my boyfriend i had to go through with killing my child, benjerman, was his name. I knew it ws a boy. I always thought i could do it be a single mom, cause i knew he was not going to be there for us for long, but i had hope. 3 days later he took me to another clinic a much more personable one. and thanks to a valium my mom gave me, (she didn't even try to talk me out of it) and all the other sedatives they give you, i put my life, benjermans, life, my future happyness into the hands of a man, whom i thought would love me forever because of this sacrife. He stayed around for about a couple more weeks, and then it got ugly. i found him after a party he threw with out me, and i went insane, smashing things, breaking things, and screaming. lost of screaming, He hit me (to protect himself) and then the cops got involved. i am not like that normally, it was the after effects i now it, but they jsut keep coming. i ended up going to jail. not twenty days after the... well you know... I am on medication now, cigerettes, and alchol, but nothing works, we have not seen or spoken to each other since, that was jan 22, 2006. all the charges have been dropped, but i am not well. I hurt and have huge anxeity attacks now that are debilitating. i quit my job, can't leave my house, for fear. fear of everything. I feel less a person, less a woman, less a friend, and everyone thinks i am fine. i am a good actress. but i am scared that this will never go away. i have lost everything and i sleep with a wooden heart that i held in my hand the whole time they were doing the procedure.
Benferman, i am a failure as a mother, as a woman, as a person. This is the first time i have spoken to anyone about this. something has got to give.i am not getting any better. and worry that i never will.
please, a kind word, a harsh word, any kind of word from somebody that can relate. i used to teach children acting, but i can't be around kids, and now even mothers, or suvs with soccer balls attached, TV shows. I am a prisoner now in my own house. alone. and scared that i will never be whole again.

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Subject: Brokenhearted


Author:
Jennifer (sad)
[Edit]
Date Posted: 23:54:56 07/01/07 Sun
I got a abortion six weeks ago. I know it needed to be done. We were both out of a job. Not any place would hire me. There was always someone better qualfied. Before the procedure was done I bawled my eyes for 30 mins. I cried for days after. I felt backed into a corner into doing it.My husband of 8 years does not understand. Every time I see a pregnant women I just want to scream and cry but I hold it in. I need to know how to stop this and go on with my life.It broke my heart when I told my hubby I was pregnant and less than five mintues later. He said we're getting a abortion and kept on me until I did. I know he was right. What do I need to do to get over it.

Replies:
Subject: Abortion


Author:
Blair
[Edit]
Date Posted: 19:35:42 06/25/07 Mon
Me and my fiance got pregnant sometime in the beginning of March. Of course I didnt realize or suspect I was until alittle later. I had already told my fiance I thought I might be and he is the only person I told about it. But my fiance told his mom(grandmother) that I might be and went out and got me a pregnancy test and I took it and it was positive.

Later that same day, my fiance's "mom" got mad at my fiance while I was there and when my mom was on the way to pick me up, she calls her and tells her that she needed to come up to my fiance's house. Then she walks outside and sits outside to wait for my mom to get there. When my mom got there my fiance's grandmother told me "tell her or I am" and I didnt say anything, so then she turns to my fiance and tells him to tell my mom. And he did. Of course my mom was shocked and angry. But after me and my mom leave to come back to my house my dad goes off on me, saying things like "if you want a relationship with me you will get an abortion."

About 2 days later, my mom calls me into the living room to talk to me and says she had made an appointment for me to get an abortion the coming up weekend and asks me if I'm going with her. The day before the appointment comes and I told my parents "no I'm not getting an abortion." Then my dad of course gets mad and said for me to be finding another place to live because he wasn't going to let me stay at his house being pregnant. I made a couple of phone calls and while I was on the phone said something about calling social services. My mom listens to my conversations and says that I'm not going to any of the peoples houses that said they would take me in and there was no need for me to call social services. But I didn't get kicked out that night because I got one more chance to change my mind.

My dad calls a preacher to come talk to me. My mom calls her side of the family in to talk to me trying to get me to have the abortion by telling me things like my baby was going to be mentally retarded. My mom also decided to call some people and see what could be done. She said someone from social services said that she could send me to a place around 2 hours away for me to live if I decided to have the baby. It was a lie.

About 2 weeks later, while I'm at school my fiance calls my mom at work and tells her "if you let me see Blair I will get her to have the abortion" and my mom said okay. And she told me the night before that if I got the abortion I could see my fiance. So my mom jumps on the phone and calls my grandmother and says my fiance wants me to have the abortion. I had to make the appointment.

My fiance went with me to get the abortion and of course my mom was there too.

But right after the abortion my mom says my dad said that I couldn't see my fiance until I got on birth control. So I went and got a birth control shot. Then my dad said I couldn't see my fiance for a month because the doctor said it would take that long for the shot to be effective. And being a medical student knew none of that was true. Then the month passes and my dad says I can't see my fiance until after I go to a therapist that my mom made an appointment with because "none of us were getting along." Well I've been seeing the therapist for around 2 weeks now and still haven't seen my fiance.

But I have to live everyday of my life knowing I killed my own child. I relive that abortion almost on a daily basis. I cry all the time and just think about the whole thing and how big of a mistake I have made. What am I suppose to tell people when I get older and they ask me how many times have I been pregnant. Plus I'm a prisoner in the house I live in and I have to live with the people who put me in this position. I have to take an anti-depressant. Live in a house with 2 liers. And live with the mistake I have made.

Replies:
Subject: nightmare


Author:
Nicole
[Edit]
Date Posted: 21:40:25 05/14/07 Mon
Having an abortion is the worst thing I have ever decided to do. I cry all the time..I have no one to talk to. It is just horrible. I even have nightmares about it. I wish that I was still pregnant. I killed my baby... I am a murderer. Life is just blah!!!!!!

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Subject: I Am Pro-Life


Author:
Brandi
[Edit]
Date Posted: 01:16:30 04/05/07 Thu
I am a Christian. I have never had an abortion and I am not writing this to judge anyone. My friend's sister was going to get an abortion today and I decided I wanted to learn more about it. I searched the internet and found many sites about women that regretted their decision, but I didn't want to be biased, so I did a search for "no regrets" and somehow found this site.

I have read many of the stories here and wanted to applaud all of the women that have had the courage to speak out about their decision. It is true, there IS a stigma with abortion, and their shouldn't be! It is such a hard decision for many women to make, the last thing they need is a bunch of picketers in their face screaming at them, or families to turn their back on them when they are needed the most. Women in these situations need all the love and support they can receive, even if it is from a Pro-Life stranger on an Abortion Healing Support website.

Being Pro-Life does not give anyone the right to be judgmental or inconsiderate. The sooner this is figured out, the sooner women can openly talk about abortion and the faster they can heal.

My prayers are with you all and I hope you find peace in your hearts.

-Brandi

Replies:
Subject: abortion


Author:
Nadia
[Edit]
Date Posted: 21:35:07 05/14/07 Mon
I had an abortion on January 18, 2007. I thought it was a good idea at the time because I am still in school, and I have a two year old. I feel horrible, but I don't want to talk to anyone about it because I am so ashamed. This has got to be the worst feeling in the world. I just sit here sometimes and ask myself how could you have done that?!? It is just such a horrible feeling, and I would NEVER do it again. I made the biggest mistakein my life!
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