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This board is for women who are suffering after an abortion, and want a place to express their pain and get support for healing.

This is a moderated board and personally abusive messages will not be approved.

For any questions about this board or for a free packet of healing information, email DCHERYL51@yahoo.comorCHERYL51@mail.com

For online resources Silent No More Awareness

Operation Outcry

Unplanned Pregnancy Message Board

Also here is my website: Post Abortion Help and Healing



Subject: I think I am making myself sick


Author:
Carrie
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Date Posted: 07:41:08 04/27/09 Mon

So this last weekend was the anniversary of when my boyfriend and I concieved the baby we aborted last year. I can't stop thinking about it and I think it has gotten to me so much that I am experiencing pregnancy like symptoms. Is that possible? I am in no way pregnant. I just got my period. Is this normal?

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Subject: im scared,,,


Author:
soft spoken (afraid)
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Date Posted: 02:15:07 04/25/09 Sat

I'm so scared idnt even no wat to do...I had sex wit my ex three days ago. Nd of coures we used a rubber. But it came off nd got stuck inside me. When I finally pushed it out it came out backwards...the circle part came out last...I wake up this morning extremly achey pain in my stomache nd thought nothing of it...I get to work nd I feel like I was gonna puke...but it dnt come out...my parents dnt even no I have sex....I'm 19yrs old nd my rents think I'm a lezbo....they find out about this...nd I can kiss my @$$ gud bye...my question is I no its called the morning after poill..but would it still work three days later?

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Subject: Can't really talk to anyone


Author:
Carrie
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Date Posted: 15:04:21 04/23/09 Thu

This is the first time I am actually telling someone how I feel. Please bear with me if this comes out jumbled.

Last year I had an abortion.

My parents are very religious, I also have a daughter from a previous relationship that I am raising on my own. They weren't happy about that pregnancy because I wasn't married and had no intentions of being with the father(he was a summer fling that I was already done with by the time I found out I was pregnant). They got over it and they love my daughter so much. But honestly, I don't think I've ever really done anything that they have been proud of. Don't get me wrong, they are good people and they love me.

Last May I found out I was pregnant. The father was one of my very good friends and we were just starting to have a real relationship at this time. I didn't want to be the only one to make this decision because #1 I just couldn't go through raising another one alone and #2 this wasn't just something that was going to affect just my life.

He wanted the abortion. I couldn't put my parents through another "disappointment". I told my Aunt and she even said to get the abortion. The father also made another good point-"Do you want to have 2 kids with 2 different Fathers? What if we don't work out? What will that be like?". He made a good point.

I cried as soon as we got to Planned Parenthood. I asked him if he was sure. He said he was. I cried the whole time we got there. I even saw my baby on the ultrasound. I almost couldn't even swallow the first pill they gave me. I also cried the whole way home. The next day My boyfriend had to go to work for a while and I took the pills alone. I was in the bathroom for 2 minutes and felt it come out. All I could do was look at this blob that was the child I aborted. Most days that moment is all I can think about. I think about it every day. What my life would be like right now. I just held a friends little boy that would be the same age that my baby would be at this point. Since that moment a week ago, All I can feel is a worsening pain that I thought was just starting to subside. Its 10 times worse now! I feel so much resentment, guilt, remorse, and sadness.

It felt good to say that to people who understand.

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Subject: not sure where to go from here...


Author:
Carolyne
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Date Posted: 22:18:33 04/09/09 Thu

I got pregnant in late August of 2008. The father was my on again off again boyfriend. I was very reluctant to begin any kind of physical relationship with him, but he kept pushing it and sadly I gave in. After that he stopped talking to me completely, wouldn't return messages nothing. It's weird because I felt that part of me knew that I was pregnant. I took a test and it was positive. I was eighteen at the time and a student from a very conservative family. My father once told me that if I ever got pregnant he would kick me out. I always wanted a baby, and a few of my friends had even gotten pregnant and decided to keep it. I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone about my pregnancy though. When I finally got a chance to tell the father he told me that he didn't believe me and if I was telling the truth I couldn't keep it. I felt as if I didn't have a choice, nor did I really make one, I just made the appointment anyways. Afterward I felt so alone. I would have been due in May. Since then I still haven't told anyone about my abortion, this is the first time I have said anything. I still feel like I made a selfish mistake and am having a really hard time adjusting. If anyone has any advice or can identify please let me know.

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Subject: TO ALL:


Author:
Diane Cheryl
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Date Posted: 23:10:28 03/11/09 Wed

This is the best resource webpage that I have found with many helpful links and information.
http://www.silentnomoreawareness.org
Make sure to go to Resources for help after abortion.

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Subject: My Terrible Mistake


Author:
Amanda
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Date Posted: 00:03:10 03/07/09 Sat

My name is Amanda and I am 29 years old. I never really thought about having children one way or the other. I have always just thought that because I have never gotten pregnant because I never did. Not until a month or so ago. I have been with the man that I am seeing for almost 2 years and we have never used protection. Then it happened. I got pregnant and I really didnt know how to feel about it. I cant realy go into grerat detail about the circimstances nut we decided to have an abortion and the appointment was scheduled 5 days after I found out I was pregnant. I was fine during the whole procedure but a couple days afterward I started feeling so empty, and am still currently experiencing the worst depression I have ever dealt with. I guess I didnt realize until it was too late that I wanted that baby and all I can think about is that I made a mistake and I want it back. My first child, a child I never evn thought i would have is gone at my own hands. I asm looking for any kind of help at all in dealing with this, so please, if anyone reads this that can help or relate, please respond. This is something that i am feeling incredibly guilty and regretful about, and i really dont know how to deal with this. i dont know if i can ever forgive myself for what ive done and will think about that child every day for the rest of my life

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Subject: grieving


Author:
Carol
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Date Posted: 20:36:01 02/27/09 Fri

I got back in contact with a former co-worker from 2006 last August. We really did not know each other. I only saw him briefly when he came to pick up his paycheck at that time. There were a lot of red flags with him and his family to begin with, but I never knew of these things until a few months back. He is 37 and still lives with his mother and 18 year old brother and works to support them. His mother is completely bedridden and his brother does not work or know how to drive. His mother is very controlling and manipulative of her sons,and tries to be with everyone, and always very judgmental towards people. They are not aware anymore of their problems and think that everyone else is the problem and they can do no wrong. They always have a victim mentality. I stupidly thought I wanted to be physical with him, and we were about three months. The first few weeks he always brought protection, then stopped. I did get some from a clinic but they weren't used each time and I got pregnant mid-October. I should have said no when he didn't bring protection. I had terrible nausea to begin with but it became worse and worse, to the point that I could not drink water or take prenatal vitamins, as I could not even keep them down, much less food. I began loosing weight and felt as though I was dying and was scared my physical condition would kill the baby or cause birth defects. I did complain a couple of times to my obstetrician, said I could not even get out of bed and could not even keep water down. He prescribed Phenergan, which did not work. Nothing they suggested I eat, etc. worked either. I was completely bedridden. I think I was dehydrated and malnourished. I guess I should have complained to the doctor more, but I was just barely existing at that point. When I was too sick to spend hours on the phone daily with the baby's grandmother(his mother)I next to never saw the baby's father and his mother stopped encouraging him to spend time with me as I was no longer under her control. I just realized this month I may have had undiagnosed hyperemesis gravidarum, which is rare in pregnant women and you can be hospitalized to treat that, but according to a nurse friend of mine there is no guarantee treatment will be successful and this condition can be fatal to the mother and child. I have read of cases in which the pregnancy was planned and the women got treatment for this condition, but ended up terminating their pregnancies.
I terminated my pregnancy a few days before Christmas, thinking I was having a therapeutic abortion. I have never been for abortion. Just the past two weeks or so I have started to wonder if this was a therapeutic abortion after all, if treatment would have worked in this case and if I and therefore the baby might not have died. My intent those three months was to put the baby up for adoption, as the baby's father decided he would take the child to live with him in the den and that they would bring the child over here sometimes. That is a very bad environment for any child, and I was told social services would never allow the child to live there. They also live in poverty and don't even have heat or air conditioning, but he decided he always wanted a child. They were obviously not thinking, as they could not even financially support the child, not to mention the bad living environment. My mother said he would never forgive me if I had put the child up for adoption. I planned on having an open adoption so I would be sent pictures of the child, but wondered if he/she would be placed with good adoptive parents. I don't know how I will feel in July as the baby was due then, and every December from now on. Sorry this is so long.

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Subject: Soon


Author:
Carly
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Date Posted: 00:27:58 12/16/08 Tue

I'm 25. I've never wanted children in my life. I'm always very careful...except 3 weeks ago when I was drunk and I don't really remember what happened. It was fun....and I didn't think to ask about condoms until a week later. It was too late for Plan B. I hoped I'd be lucky.
I wasn't. Let me reiterate- I never want children. So finding out I was pregnant was like a nightmare come true. I barely know the father- it was just a fun night...My appointment is on Saturday....I just can't have a child. I know I would be a terrible mother and even adoption isn't an option.
I've never hated myself more. I know this is the only option but I feel terribly guilty.

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Subject: Re: Sad and confused


Author:
Linn
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Date Posted: 09:44:36 12/11/08 Thu

Hi, Joy;

I am sorry for your loss. I too, know your pain of having made that choice. But, there is forgiveness and hope in Jesus Christ. Please, seek counseling with a local Crisis Pregnancy Center in your area. If there is not one close by, find one on the web, and give them a call. I promise, there is someone who will love and help you through this. God Bless you.

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Subject: sad and confused


Author:
joy
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Date Posted: 21:46:59 12/04/08 Thu

I am 41 years old, in my last year of college, have two beautiful girls and last week I had an abortion. I felt my only choice was to have one. I had spoke with the guy who I was pregnant from and he wasnt ready to have a child, just bought a home, and so on. He couldnt help financially. I wasnt looking for that at all, just felt it was right I told him.
I cry everyday, wondering if I made the right decision. I am such a strong person and just felt with everything going on in my life, my oldest daughter off to college next fall, me finishing my bachelors degree next fall, struggling financially right now, that I couldnt bring a baby into this world. I think to myself was I wrong??
Yesterday I took my oldest to the gyno. for her to talk bout getting birth control and there were two women in the waiting room preg. This just killed me, I just wanted to cry, thinking that would have been me in a few months.
No one knows that I got an abortion except the father, I felt I couldnt tell anyone, feeling they would of talked me out of my decision but know I feel I should have talked to my close friends. Not sure that would have made it easier.
I feel lost, and dont know what to do with how I am feeling

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Subject: An empty feeling


Author:
Denise
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Date Posted: 14:58:52 11/24/08 Mon

Im 20 years old and when I was 18 I had an abortion. At the time I was really confused. It wasnt the decision i wanted to make at all. When i told my boyfriend that i was with for 4 yrs that I was pregnant he really just left the decision to keep it o not up to me, but he kept droppingclues of how much of a burden it would be. And when I told my mother about my pregnancy she was Completely unsupportive. I understood her being upset, but she said so many horrible things to me, she begged me to get an abortion. She said she wouldnt be a part of my babies life or anything. After listening to her and to my boyfriend i decided to go through with the procedure. I was only 7 weeks pregnant at the time of the abortion so when it was over idint feel as though it was a big loss because i hadnt really had time to bond with my pregnancy and with my baby. Since then i have had 8 of my friends get pregnant and have their babies and now I feel empty. I watch my friends with their babies and emotions they have the firt time they hold them, and i feel a sense of jealousy. Dont get wrong im completly happy for them but i always want that feeling for myself. Btween the time of my abortion and now my BF and I broke up, but im with a new guy now who ive been with for the past 8 months. I really do love him, and im at the point were I really want to get pregnant again, and i know neither of us are ready for a baby, but parts of me want to just break down and get pregnant. My intent is not to get pregnant without him knowing about it at all. At the same time I know he wont agree to having a baby now. I know it sounds really stupid, but I'm afraid that my emotions are going to get the best of me and I'll end up being irresponsible and getting pregnant on purpose knowing that now is not the best time in my life for it.

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Subject: my shame


Author:
kc
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Date Posted: 08:14:30 11/15/08 Sat

Its been 2 months since i aborted my baby. It was the biggest mistake of my life...that i now know. Im 28 and already have 4 children and before i fell pregnant for the 5th time i would of said that another child would never be a possibility...but after it becoming reality i felt different, it was apart of me. My partner and i have been together for 13 years and from the moment i told him i was pregnant he knew what he wanted and that was not another baby. In the end i know my decision was my own but how could i bring a life into this world knowing my partner never wanted it. He never speaks about it and not sure if he even thinks about it.....me on the other hand cant stop thinking about it, every waking moment and boy is it doing my head in, How do you make the pain stop? killing my baby was the worst decision i have ever made.

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Subject: Post


Author:
Al
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Date Posted: 12:49:10 08/09/08 Sat

I am a twenty year old girl. I have had two abortions in two years. The first time it was with my first boyfriend and I was young and stupid. I realized that I was pregnant early and never had any regrets about my choice. However with my second abortion the child was the man I loved. He thought that he couldn't have children. It was a terrible experience. Right before they took me in for the procedure an ultrasound was preformed. The nurse and doctor had nothing to say to me but they talked about my babies heartbeat among themselves. We went to the operating room, I was already anxious and a little confused. As I laid down my doctor told me to relax all my muscles and remain calm. There was no lamalee inserted so my cervix was dialated by hand... I started to tear. Eventually I became insistant that I couldn't bear anymore pain and they gassed me. After the procedure my boyfriend ( who i was living with) drove me home, and never mentioned what happened. He was very sweet about doing anything that i needed, but unable to talk about what had happened. I felt like I had done something wrong, he continued to push me away and I became more and more depressed. As of yet I still can't get over it, although I can get out of bed in the morning now. But our relationship has weakened. I love him but what can i do to help him understand...

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Subject: thanks


Author:
BB (:))
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Date Posted: 23:20:44 03/31/08 Mon

Hey, I just wanted to say thanks to those that replied, and for the links to the websites. Its nice to know we're not alone.

I know I should seek counselling...its just a matter of biting the bullet and admiting that it is a neccesity for me.

hugs and smiles to all of you!...we'll be alright.

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Subject: Losing everything


Author:
Jessica (Lost and depressed)
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Date Posted: 08:27:35 03/03/08 Mon

I'm not sure if anyone will even read this but I need to let all of this out. Theres no way to put any of it into a nutshell so please, if you do read this, bare with me, it may be too graphic, but please understand I mean no harm with my story. I need to let this out.

From November first to current day I've been seeing someone I've known for quite a long time. Ten or so years to give a time estimate. I believe it was the end of this past January when he and myself suspected something wasn't right, and what tied the knot was a night we went out for some drinks with a few friends, but stayed at his dad's because neither of us were about to drive home. He had gotten sick from a few too many drinks, I had no where near enough to make me sick, but somehow I found myself waking up at 7am dryheaving and feeling sick with no explanation. The next day after work, I shot him a message to pick up the home pregnancy tests just to be sure. I worked a late night and came home after 1. Since he was my neighbor (that sounds worse than it is) I woke him up to give me the tests. I had him wait while I took the test. I did everything correct, I remained calm and didnt cheat by watching it the whole 5 minutes. It only took a glance... I knew I was pregnant. I was on birthcontrol... All I could think was "is this for real?" Please keep in mind I'm 20... He's 29. As where age means nothing in our situation, being our familys have known eachother since probably before we were even thought of, I was scared. He took it well and we later discussed keeping the baby.

I wish the story ended there.

The next day at work I found it harder than ever to even concentrate. By sheer luck, my best friend had walked through the door, to which I couldnt control my tears and needed my friend for advice. I wound up spending several days with her at her house (which is shared by a total of 4 other people herself included) and my partner I guess was releaved to see I had a comfortable place to go. I couldnt tell my mother...

I had made an appointment at planned parenthood to talk to someone. I was too scared to go to my own obgyn. I was told that because of the birthcontrol that it might be eggtopic and that if I was feeling any pain, to go to the hospital.

Eventually my older sister knew something was wrong and guessed it and told me that I should tell our mother... I did that day who in turn told my step father and soon it was something everyone knew. They knew that there was the chance of it being eggtopic and were worried. Sounds great right? It would have been had they all told me I HAD to get an abortion... In their minds, no matter what it had to get "taken care of".

I had talked it over with my partner and our hearts were set on keeping our baby... It was afterall ours... Here is where it all came crashing down...

Since I was living home at the time my Mother made it clear that I was to get the abortion, or lose my home and my family. The day before the appointment was set for the medical abortion, I went to the hospital for experiencing pain. My parents were worried as was everyone else in fact my father called me crying just to see if I was okay. My partner was there for me the whole way. The hospital took an internal sonogram. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I was 6 weeks 6 days pregnant, and I saw my babys heart beat. I was so happy when they gave me the first and only picture I'll ever have of my baby.

Upon leaving the hospital after they told me I had a perfectly healthy and happy baby living inside me, I stepped into the waiting room with my picture in hand ready to show it to my partner, when all of a sudden it came as a shock to me that my father was in the waiting room as well. I could also tell he was drunk. I kept the smile on my face, hugged him and told him I was going to be okay. I showed him the picture to assure him everything was fine. My fathers reaction was anything but nice. He started screaming at me, calling me every name in the book, and I have been dead to him ever since. Later that night talking to my Mother, I told her what I saw and how I felt. She sounded aggrivated at the thought that I was even thinking of keeping MY baby, reminding me what would happen, and kept asking me if I were keeping the appointment the next day. I was so torn.

The next day I went to the appointment, depressed from the moment I woke up. I had a breakdown in the office, because my insurence wasn't going to cover it and if it was going to get done, it had to be that day, I couldnt live with the pain of knowing I was delaying the inevitable... We handed the money over in cash... Never have I felt so wrong in my life. To top it off... They werent even that nice about it.

I cried the whole visit. They gave me a sonogram there as well, only the woman printed out a picture and didnt even ask if I wanted to see it. That hurt. From the moment she gave me the first pill to take, I hesitated because I knew what it meant. I didnt want to lose MY baby. Neither did he... They sent me home with 4 other pills to take (taken buccaly for 30 minutes) the next day to start contractions, anti-nausea pills, antibiotics and their idea of pain medication were 9 tramadol pills. I felt like just another person. I was no one special to them. I knew what was coming. I couldnt do it home, so again I stayed at my best friends house with the people and things I cared about the most. They even let be bring my cat over to comfort me.

The next day before I took the 4 pills buccaly, I showered and tried to prepare myself the best I could think. I starting getting bad cramps even before the pills were being absorbed, it didnt make sence. I made myself as comfortable on the couch as I could, and took the pills. My partner got off of work no later than an hour after the pills were in my system, and brought me green grapes (something to make me smile) he could tell the minute he saw me that I was in pain.

My best friend and her boyfriend offered their bed to me for comfort, and insisted. Their room was all the way on the other side of the house. With help from 2 friends and my partner, they tried to walk me to the bedroom, all the while I'm in sevear pain to the point of crying hysterically. Right before I reached the bedroom I dropped to my knees in pain and stayed there till the worst thing imaginable happened. I started to bleed. I made it to their private bathroom in their room and to my horror saw the worst things imaginable.

The doctors told me at planned parenthood that I wouldnt see anything, just clotted blood. God they were wrong... Right before my eyes I passed MY child. There was no mistaking it, and I'm sure anyone who has gone through this process knows I'm right...

I was in so much pain, and I didnt know what to do. Everyone was trying to see if I was okay, I couldnt even answer them... My child was in the toilet. I wanted to grab it and at least hold it and give it a proper burial, but out of fear of anyone thinking I was insane (though I know now it never would have been the case) I freaked and flushed it... I felt horrible, like it was just some goldfish... but it wasnt, it was my child that I loved from day one.

Eventually I was able to make it to the bed, but it didnt end there. For over hours I was in the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I was being punished, I thought. The "Tramadol" they gave me for pain did nothing. It didnt even dull it a little. I could hardly eat and the pain got so bad, everyone in the house could hear me screaming. They tried everything from hot water bottles, to different pain medications, before they called the emergency number on the "care sheets" Planned Parenthood gave me. No one knew why I was in so much pain for so long. Over 12 hours, no sleep, and I couldnt even reassure myself that my baby was safe.

A few days after that day, I went back home for a few days. In a discussion with my Mother, she told me I had a week to get over feeling depressed about it. My reaction was none too happy and a reply of "It was your choice, not mine. I wanted MY child." It somehow spawned into her kicking me out of the house. that day in fact,which was a day after I got the abortion, Feb 12'th and 13'th... even after I did what she asked of me. I was now living with my best friend who had helped me throughout it all. In the basement in a room with no walls and no heat. I have never been so miserable in my life. I had lost both parents, my home and my baby...

I wish the story ended even here...

about a week or so had passed from feb and I thought I was starting to get a hang of things and doing okay at coping. But my relationship was becoming a little rocky.

Then I started having the dreams. I kept having reoccurent reinaction dreams, that was the day of the abortion, but the most painful parts over and over in full detail. They would wake me out of sound sleeps, sometimes to the point of tears.

I refused to go back to Planned Parenthood for my followup appointment, so I gave in to go to my own obgyn for real care. People who actually care. My appointment which was February 27h 2008, yes that was Four days ago, was the start of a whole new issue. The doctor gave me a sonogram to find that I had a partially terminated pregnancy... Everything except the baby was still there and needed to be removed as soon as humanly possible. So the 28th I went into the hospital for a surgery prep and the 29th was the surgery at 6:am. I had no time to even think about what was going on, and to have to go through a second abortion method, I couldnt handle that. It brought me back to two weeks prior... and how hard it was go through it all. My partner went with me for it for support and I was going to be knocked out and couldnt drive myself home. In the hospital I started having panic attacks about being there. But his support and the most amazing care I've ever recieved at a hospital, made it easier to handle. I wasnt alone. Right after the surgery was done and I woke up, I was so confused as to if anything was done, and then I felt the pain all over again. I started to tear up and whince a little because I could hardly move or talk from the anthestetic; the nurses came over and talked to me to see if I was okay, and gave me pain medication that worked. The hospital staff were so nice and did everything they could to make me comfortable emotionally and physically. they allowed us to stay as long as we needed but I left on my own account an hour or so more. I probably should have stayed but I needed to be home, and didnt feel I should be babied, being I felt I should have never done it to begin with but went against my heart. I'm still ashamed in myself. I dont think I ever wont be.

I went home and actually slept, and I slept good. No dreams, no thoughts. I was on so much it was a perpetual la la land for a few hours. When reality did set in and I was feeling somewhat normal, I knoticed my partner acting strange. Very reclusive, and wouldnt talk to me even when I knew something was wrong. I just tried to shrug it off and not get too upset by it. I also stopped talking to him about situation as a whole, the baby was becoming unmentionable to him. I didnt understand why? The next day it gets a little worse and he's more detached, and yesterday he tells me he doesnt know where he's going in life anymore, and more or less needs time for himself. Automatically to me thats dumped. My worst of fears has come true. I have lost everything important in life. My home, my parents, my baby, and now my love. Oh yea and did I mention I'm soon going to have to be living elsewhere because I'm not supposed to be living here according to their lanlord. Which leads me up to current day.

What can I say about current day? One thing. I am so depressed I dont even know what to do anymore. I need advice, guidence, something, because I'm not sure how much more of this I can handle. I'm holding on as best I can but nothings ever looking up.

I'm sorry this is novel long. And thats not even every detail. And if nobody reads it, that would be fine. I needed this to come out. Its been the hardest time of my life. I'm hoping to keep pulling along and trying hard to be okay.

If you did read this, thanks for actually taking the time. it probably means more than you know.

Jess



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Subject: I feel as though i want to give up my life


Author:
elizabeth (despair)
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Date Posted: 19:47:46 01/19/08 Sat

Help me. I feel as though i can not go on. I was in a relationship with a man and everyone has heared the story. I was in love with a liar and false promises.
I am a single mother already and didn't want to go through that again. I didn't know what to do. I lost my job. The pregnancy made me so sick unlike my first.
I ended up in the emergency room for deydration due to excessive vomiting. I was abandoned again with another child on the way. I freaked and got scared.
But now i feel it. My babies life is gone. I felt the babies soul inside me. I took it away. I am a horriable monster. I felt like a hurt animal running around with out any escape. I was escaping a baby. A life. I am ruined. Please help me. I want to be a good mom to my first but all i see when i look at my son is the unborn child i gave up. I let go. I'm alone again. I'm unemployed. what am i doing..

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Subject: New


Author:
hurtting (sad)
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Date Posted: 12:27:02 08/20/07 Mon

Hi,

I've just joined this sited today. I had an abortion 11 months ago and I'm really having a hard time it would be nice to have some-one to talk to

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