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Date Posted: 21:39:59 08/08/06 Tue
I think I understand fully how you feel. I think if I were in your position, I would feel exactly the same way. My heart goes out to you. I pray that the Lord will grant you emotional and spiritual healing.
Let me tell you about Paul. Once, a man named Saul was going around killing Christians. He was responsible for the stoning of the first Christian martyr, Stephen. And Stephen cried out that God would not lay that sin to the charge of his killers. And God intervened in Saul's life, and revealed Himself personally to Saul, and Saul became the Apostle Paul, who wrote more books of the Bible than anybody else, and whose preaching to my ancestors is responsible for my faith.
And what God did for Paul, He can and will do for you. Remember, Jesus already paid for your sin, all of it.
Given that God already forgave you because of your remorse and repentance, you must seek His help to forgive yourself. How can you not forgive yourself if He freely forgave you? You should seek not to condemn yourself. Those messages of condemnation are coming from the accuser of the brethren, satan. Rebuke him. Ask God to protect you from the fiery barbs of the evil one. We will pray for you as well.
Love in Christ,