| Subject: I like my mind |
Author:
Marc
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Date Posted: 17:44:44 07/05/02 Fri
Well, here's an empty room. Good enough for shouting into.
I'm gonna say it. I'm really afraid to do so, but here goes:
I LIKE MY MIND.
There I said it. It probably doesn't seem like much, but it's a big deal for me. Why? Sometimes I feel that my mind is not welcome by some in the WD community. For those who don't know me, I've got one of those big, active minds that never stops, the kind that delights in being used.
Only a few sentences in, and I'm already compelled to qualify things. No, my mind isn't all of me- I damn well know that (oops, I suppose I should have said that I damn well "feel" that). And don't think I'm saying that I think I know anything. The truth is, I don't know squat. My mind hasn't given me any answers as such. And I know (oops, again) that realization itself is beyond the mind, even what little realization I might claim.
But too often I get the strong message that mind- especially MY mind- isn't welcome. I'm just furious how often I'm told (often by women) that I'm "too much" in my mind, that I'm not in my emotions or my body. Of course, no one is ever criticized for being too much in their emotions or too much in their body. But apparently, if you're a person with a strong mind, you've completely missed the boat.
The mind- that's so 18th-century . . . .
I'm so tired of the message that I'm out to lunch, that I'm off track, that I'm on some kind of wild ride on a self-indulgent dirt path. (Just stay on the interstate, buddy.) I really hate to admit this, but my mind has been a big help in all areas of my life. Dare I say it's even helped me in my spriritual life? Dare I say my mind was partly responsible for leading me to this WD work? Dare I say that my mind was even one of my greatest assets in leading me into the second birth?
I sometimes get that feeling that the only communications of mine that are ever received are only when I'm in tears or making a big emotional scene (yes, it's been known to happen). Otherwise, I'm just stuck in my brain, I'm told. But my expression is uniquely my own. Each of our expressions comes through different channels and in differing combinations- for some typically the heart, for others the vital center. But woe to you if your mind is where expression is focused. It's bad enough that American culture as a whole reviles the mind, only paying lip service to anything that sounds even slightly intellectual (ooh, I feel dirty just writing it). The mind is not to be trusted, mind is "ego", mind is the culprit.
And yeah, the mind can be a pain in the ass, a nuisance, a downright dictator. There's all kinds of problems that go along with it? But don't we suffer the heart and body as well? Doesn't each of these areas come with its own pleasure and pain?
I have a few friends in WD who also like their minds. (Don't worry, I won't mention names.) But when I get together with them or speak to them on the phone, it feels like we're doing something wrong, like we're cheating, like we're up to no good. It feels utterly taboo. At the recent second-life weekend was the first time at ANY WD event I've been to that the talk turned to consciousness (ugh, that fetid specter). And you know what? I felt so relieved. Oh god, I thought, is it now all right to speak of consciousness? Is it okay to use discrimination? And don't think that I equate mind with consciousness or discrimination. I know well that these are not the same. But hearing it spoken of that weekend (I dared not enter the conversation for fear of being exposed) sent me through the roof, through the clouds (yes, UP).
And with such a confession, I can only anticipate being told how "dissociated" I must be, how utterly "hypermasculine" my tendencies still are, how my heart has remained untouched by this transmission, that I'm not embodied, that I'm afraid of doing my "down" work . . . .
None of these things is true. I'm so damned tired of being pegged like this. And don't think I haven't considered these judgments of me by others. Are they true? Am I only in mind, without any feeling or vital force? But is it possible to be stuck in only one part of your being? Does anyone "only" speak from the mind, "only" from the heart, "only" from the tummy? Surely this is all nonsense.
Well, I'm a lot angrier about all this than I'm letting on. Oh, I can seem so reasonable at times. But I suppose that's what it is to be caught in the mind. But honestly- do you feel no heart in what I'm saying, no pain, no force, no intensity or vitality? Does this message really seem like it slid off my cerebral cortex and into the punchbowl? Maybe this is all rather late in coming. That's what I get (and what you get from me) for my living so far from the community. So I apologize if this issue has already been served and settled long ago. I've been late to dinner before. And just once more:
I LIKE MY MIND.
And please don't think I'm saying something like "people in WD don't have minds or don't use their minds." That's not at all the case. I just hope I can feel better about the deep pleasure I experience (sometimes) in using my mind in various ways. And I hope we can all make friends with our minds as much as our hearts and bodies and revel in the pleasure that is to be had in whatever form or chakra you favor.
Thanks for receiving this.
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