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Date Posted: 11:17:06 11/10/01 Sat
Author: Nightowl
Author Host/IP: ip-209-23-1-32.modem.logical.net / 209.23.1.32
Subject: clearing the slate here again

I think that I need to clear up something here. It seems, from e-mail I have received, that a few people think that I blame my friend for my depression, because of my post here in Oct. and there may be others who got that impression but did not write to me about it. That is NOT true at all. I have a chemical imbalance, and I just get really depressed sometimes. I do NOT blame my depression on my (at one time) very best friend, and I don't blame her for calling off our relationship as she did. What I tried to say in my earlier post was that because this person chose that particular time to end our relationship that I became more depressed, and it just continued to deepen, but because I am depressed and dyslexic too, it often gets hard for me to express myself in words.

It's totally my fault that our relationship went sour, I could not give her what she wanted and needed from me at the time, so she had to do what she felt was best for her. The more down I got, the more moody I became, and the more dependent I became on her to be there for me. When she was not there anymore, I did not know how to handle the emptiness I felt, and I still don't. I now mourn the death of a truly beautiful relationship on top of everything else, and I must live with the knowledge that I killed it because I am selfish, agoraphobic and indecisive. (Don't try to understand that part, just accept it please, because I am too messed up and overtired to explain it anyhoot.) Just know that nobody else is responsible for the way I feel, it's my body's fault, but I am responsible for making others feel bad now. 8~( I am sorry I did that to some of you here too.

One request before I go away. Please pray for my friend JoAnn that I told you about before. Her mom is much worse, failing more all the time, and Jo's having a hard time dealing with it. She needs all of the prayers that you can muster up here for strength in the coming days, weeks or however long it is. Please pray also for Josephine, her mom, that her pain will soon be gone. Thank you.

Peace and love,
Betty Lee

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