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Date Posted: 03:05:48 03/30/02 Sat
Author: Tristan
Subject: Tell me about it
In reply to: Saras 's message, "Always the Hot Springs!" on 00:53:32 03/30/02 Sat

Tristan dropped the mirror when he felt Marz’s voice in his head, telling him that he was leaving with the others to return to the hot springs for a bit. Cursing himself for his sudden nervousness, he closed his eyes and willed himself to regain his sense of composure.

“All right,” he sent calmly back, pleased with the way his mental voice remained steady. He was suddenly heartbroken that Marz didn’t want to see him right now, but then he realized that he really wasn’t up to facing him at the moment either.

And for what? He sighed and dropped his head, pushing his face into his hands while he thought about what had happened. What was he suddenly so afraid of, anyway? Was this supposed to have revealed something about Marz he’d never realized existed? Or had it maybe—had it maybe revealed something about himself, something he didn’t want to think about now. After all, he had approached Marz, and he had been the first to give in to the dark chapel’s temptation. What was bothering him so much, then? That he had asked for it, that he had wanted it, that he had begged Marz to take him—

That he realized afterward that he had liked it?

Tristan stood up quickly away from the bed and clenched his fists, his teeth gritting painfully together as he began to pace the room. That wasn’t true, it couldn’t be true. And if it were…?

Was it wrong? Were they wrong, had Marz been wrong, was he wrong? What was the matter with him right now, anyway? If he liked it, then why was he afraid of it, and why was he standing here in a room all by himself worrying about it when it had obviously meant nothing, utterly nothing, and he was just being stupidly foolish and self-centered as he always was, thinking and crying and raging about nothing, just nothing.

You’re an idiot! he yelled at himself, his clenched fists starting to shake a little. An idiot and a coward, and nobody wants too—

He stopped pacing. Slowly, his hands unclenched, his breathing returning to normal as a strange feeling came over him. Calmly, he made his way back over to the bed, where he stooped down and picked up the cracked mirror again. Suddenly, he began to understand. Before he could begin to forgive Marz, he had to forgive himself. And before he ever even thought to forgive himself, he had to actually…to actually acknowledge all his errors, all his sin, all the good in him, even—to acknowledge himself.

“I am an idiot,” he said softly, staring at his reflection in the mirror. “I am a coward. I’m naïve, and stupid, and spoiled, and there are things about me that no one wants to deal with, no matter how much they love me.” He swallowed, started to feel nervous, and then felt silly for it. “And…people do love me. They really do.”

Some of them, anyway. He smirked, the hand holding the mirror dropping to his side again. Suddenly, he imagined that old scenario again, that one where he stared in wonder up at the dark, handsome figure on the pedestal—and now, he thought that pedestal might begin to crumble, but he realized it had gotten even stronger than before, only now he found himself stepping upward, laying his arms gently around the person he loved so much and finally standing next to him.

He shook his head, snapping out of his little fanciful daydream. Without a moment’s more consideration, he left the room and hurried down the tower steps, heading toward the temple and cave housing the hot springs. Absently, he reached for a cigarette and lit it, taking long, thoughtful drags from it as he walked. Nothing tried to accost him on his way, so thankfully his sword stayed in his scabbard, though he kept one hand hovering over the hilt, and both eyes wide open and cautious, simply out of habit

When he got to the spider cavern where the others were all gathered, he made his way to the hot springs near the back of the cave, biting his lip and taking a deep breath when he saw Marz along with the rest of their friends. I don’t always have to be the weaker one, he assured himself, and surprisingly, it suddenly became easier to approach him.

Moving in his usual careful, meticulous manner, Tristan tugged his boots off and slipped his pants down, relieved that he was wearing decent underclothes today as he kicked the garment aside. Then he tugged his shirt off and tossed it next to his pants, boots, and swordbelt, before settling himself down quietly by the side of the pool. He tipped his toes in the water, staring at his knees for a while and still very keenly aware of the blush that had of course arisen as he’d undressed. He let his embarrassment wash over him, until he realized he wasn’t really ashamed of anything at all and he actually smiled slightly, though his face remained slightly pink.

“I know you know how I feel right now, and why,” he said, looking up at Marz, who was staring back at him. Strange, but they always seemed to know how the other was feeling, though it had taken time for them to learn to pick up the why of it. “I haven’t come to accuse you of anything,” he continued, his voice lowering slightly. “And neither am I going to make an excuse for what happened.”

He bit his lip again, then finally sighed, the slight smile returning to his face. “If you wanted to talk about it, that’s fine. I’m always listening, you know. And if you don’t want to talk about it right now, that’s fine, too. If you want, we can just…we can just not worry about it for now, we can try and have fun together for once…”

He came close to choking on his words when he realized what he’d said. What, like they hadn’t ever had genuine fun together?

“Maybe,” he finished, shrugging ever so slightly, his eyes drifting away somewhat, “We should stop worrying about all our problems and trying to stay happy with one another, and just…actually be happy.”

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