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Date Posted: 22:59:54 02/20/02 Wed
Author: Rowan
Subject: The anti-depressant
In reply to: Jeremy 's message, "I'm depressed" on 10:56:34 02/19/02 Tue

Rowan sighed and set his bottle of wine down on the table beside the bed. He realized he didn’t feel much like drinking right now, especially with Jeremy feeling the way he seemed to be feeling. Plus, the kid was already more than a little woozy himself, and considering the precarious situation they were all in right now, it’d probably be a good idea for him to keep a clear head while his little friend did his best to drown his troubles.

He cringed guiltily at Jeremy’s first response and decided immediately that he wasn’t gonna lecture to him, no matter what. The long, boring speech he’d been preparing on the way here died away, leaving him floundering somewhat as he tried to figure out what to do now. Hell, he’d never had a little brother or sister before, so wasn’t so great at giving advice—not that he really saw Jeremy as the younger sibling type.

Maybe more like one of his friends when he’d been growing up. Course, whether they were young lords or young ladies, he’d known damn well even then how to comfort people. But as for now he was determined to show a little restraint around Jeremy, and to try and think up a different kind of approach to handling his depression, even if it turned out to be a tad less fun.

When Jeremy closed his eyes and let a few tears trickle downward, Rowan got up hastily and moved to shut the door, clearing his own throat so he wouldn’t start crying, too. He'd always been a little on the emotional side, so it was pretty damned tough not to cry when he saw someone else doing it. Women liked a man who could show his softer side, though, so he’d never felt any shame about his sympathetic reactions. He only moved to close the door because he doubted Jeremy wanted anyone to see him like this, especially his larger than life crush, that spunky little good-looking kid, Marz.

As he sat back down on the bed, he clucked his tongue softly to hear Jeremy say he should have died with his parents on that “plane crash.” Rowan finally knew what a plane was, from all the talking he did with the kid about his home world, and he had to admit, dying in one as it plummeted out of the air like a big metal duck with a broken wing sure as hell didn’t sound like a great way to go. He, for one, was damned glad Jeremy hadn’t been on the plane thingie. Somehow, he knew Jeremy was, too, but guilt and depression made you say funny things, sometimes. He knew. He’d lost his own parents, too, after all.

“Now don’t go saying things like that,” he said, moving closer to the kid so he could put his arm kindly around his shoulders. Jeremy said nothing, only taking another long swig of the wine while more tears poured miserably down his face. Rowan brushed at his wet cheeks with one hand, cocking his own head slightly in an attempt to meet his young friend’s brown eyes. Jeremy was in a sullen, uncompromising mood, though, and wouldn’t be made to listen easily.

“I know I’ve lectured to you in the past,” he went on, sighing again, even rolling his eyes a bit, “But I promise I didn’t come here to tell you that you’re just a twerpy little kid who doesn’t know anything about love and real feelings.”

That got his attention, though Jeremy didn’t seem quite willing to believe him. Rowan took it as a positive sign to keep going, though, so he did. Maybe he was going to manage to do this the right way, after all. Really, all he wanted to do was make the kid feel better about everything, and since he’d gotten so good at lifting his own spirits away from personal grief, he oughta be able to do it for someone else. At least that was his way of thinking.

“You know I was about your age when I feel in love the first time,” he continued, his voice slightly nonchalant. “Mhmm,” he nodded, smiling slightly when Jeremy gave him a curious look. “In fact I think I might have been a little younger. I’m telling you, you ain’t ever seen a woman resemble a goddess the way this girl did. Long blonde hair, blue eyes, full lips, hips like a human, and a reputation to fit. Sweet Lord and Lady, she was hot! And I fell for her, being not so virginal at the time myself, mind you. Boy, did I fall hard.”

He closed his own eyes briefly, bringing to mind Lily Tealfeather’s image, remembering how his heart used to race when her family would come to dine over at his father’s house. She was to be a painter by trade, since this was her mother’s occupation, and a long and illustrious career the Tealfeather family had made for itself, so illustrious that the daughter of a mere painter found herself beyond the advances of a nobleman’s son, even if the boy was two years her junior.

“But, as luck would have it,” he shrugged. “Wanted nothing to do with me. Shunned me like a horse swats away some ugly little fly buzzing in her ear. But that’s okay, I was just a kid, I’d get over it, right?” He shook his head slowly, completely serious. “Course I didn’t. Don’t think I ever did, either. To make things worse, I went crazy for someone else a few years later, and he didn’t want me, either. And I know I never got over that one.” He chuckled softly. “Just ask my big sister.”

He reached over and took a sip of Jeremy’s wine, just for nostalgia’s sake, he promised himself, that’s all. When he replaced it in the boy’s lap, he reached up with his free hand and turned his chin gently toward his own, his fingers falling down Jeremy’s neck somewhat to trace one of those fascinating colored tattoos he had sprinkled all over his body.

“You should know better than to think that nobody wants you,” he said quietly, his eyes still very serious although a crooked sort of smile was coming to his face. “Hell, so they aren’t swooning all over you like harem girls. It’s nothing to freak out over. That sort of thing takes time and talent, anyway.”

He paused for a little bit, though he wasn’t sure exactly why. Somehow he got the impression he was crossing that little invisible line he’d drawn earlier. Jeremy was starting to resemble his old friends again, and now he remembered how they had comforted him after each of his heartbreaks, even though it couldn’t possibly have felt the same. But what more could they do?

“Besides, I want you,” he continued. “I know I’m just some boring old grown-up who spends all his time lecturing to you, but I still want you to hang around, anyway, if you’ll have me. I’m sure most of the others like having you along, too.”

He tightened his arm around the boy, wanting only to make him feel loved in some small way, even though that could never replace what he’d left behind on his world. Jeremy was looking right at him, the tears all gone, though his eyes were still kind of red. Rowan could smell the wine on his breath, could almost imagine would it would taste like, hovering on the tip of his tongue like that.

Stop it, he ordered himself. Leave the kid alone. Half my age, remember? Yeah, he remembered, all right. He frowned slightly and told himself to think of Tia, how this really ought to be him and her alone right now, not him and this despondent little boy with the drunken eyes staring over at him.

But thinking about Tia didn’t help. It almost made him even more frustrated, if that were possible. “That Marz of yours is admirable, I’ll give him that,” he muttered ever so softly. “Far more than I’ll ever be. Trust me, kiddo, desiring someone, especially someone like that, doesn’t make you a freak.”

I don’t consider myself a freak for desiring a crazy, redheaded kid like you, he thought, shaking his head slightly. He leaned forward, intending to give Jeremy a consolatory kiss on the side of the head the way he usually did, but instead, he found himself turning at the last minute and actually kissing him, relishing the taste of the honeyed wine mixed together with the salt on the boy’s lips.

“Oh shit, I’m sorry,” he apologized, feeling way more guilty than he had when he’d kissed Tia earlier. That at least had seemed somehow right! “I only meant to come here and cheer you up a bit, and there I go letting my own selfish desires get away with me.”

He actually chuckled lightly, playing idly with the collar of Jeremy’s shirt, his arm still draped around his shoulders. “Well, at least you know someone wants you,” he teased, feeling a bit silly. But then it wasn’t every day he went around trying to seduce sixteen-year-old kids.

Abruptly, he grew serious again, and he leaned forward to kiss him a second time, this time a little bit more gently than before. “Tell me you don’t mind my wanting you,” he said softly, desire sparking through his body all of a sudden, making his fingers itch to push the boy down and comfort him in the best way he knew how.

He still felt oddly perverted, and couldn’t help longing for Tia’s beautiful violet eyes to be gazing up at him instead of Jeremy’s brown ones. But he also couldn’t deny what he wanted right now, or the fact that he cared for Jeremy, had cared for him in the beginning when they’d first met. He wouldn’t be at all hurt if the kid told him to beat it, but he found himself seriously hoping that he wouldn’t.

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