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Date Posted: 10:17:35 12/31/01 Mon
Author: Marz
Subject: Feeling a little different than normal
In reply to: Tristan 's message, "Hanging my head" on 11:52:12 12/29/01 Sat

Marz wondered what the hell it was about Erlic that put him at ease. As soon as his sensai entered the cave, a wonderful feeling of calmness encompassed him. With the calm came embarrassment over the hysterics he had displayed. He was now positive that Tristan would view him as a gutless fool, and belittlement would soon follow. No longer was he the invincible hero his lover once thought him to be.

A hint of anger touched him as he rubbed at his burning eyes, but it was soon replaced by depression. He hated himself at the moment, not for neglecting to follow Erlic's orders, but for breaking down in front of Tristan. For years, he had it driven into his head that it was wrong to display any sign of weakness. If he shed one single tear, Sistino would voice his displeasure before taking a whip to him. While he administered a number of painful lashes to his small body, Sistino insisted that he punished him only because he loved him and wanted him to become strong enough to handle all of life's hardships with ease. After a year of such constant abuse, Marz finally learned how to accept pain without so much as a whimper, and tears became non-existent in his life.

The sound of Erlic's voice continued to sooth, riding him of the intense fear that consumed him only moments ago. It did nothing to alleviate the disgust he held for himself at showing such cowardliness. Marz knew he would have to tackle the chakras again in order to prove that he wasn't a spineless weakling. He shuttered at the thought. Obviously Erlic and Tristan, like Sistino, wanted him to face hellish torments in order to better himself. To Marz's way of thinking, that definitely proved they loved him because along with such love came nearly unbearable agony.

By the time Erlic left the cave, Marz was so damn relaxed he nearly dozed off right where he sat. He was somewhat startled by Tristan when he began wiping his face clean with a kerchief. "Feeling better, now?" he asked.

Marz gave him a nod then stared off into the distance. He wasn't able to meet his eyes, certain he would see the disappointment he felt at himself mirrored within them.

"Maybe a quick bath in the lake would make you feel better," the dragon said. "Or if you're up to it, I could at least fetch you a cup of java if you like."

After drawing in a deep breath, Marz shook his head while reaching for the flask at his waist belt. "I have apple juice and I'm not in the mood for a bath." He sipped the juice then rubbed his temples, suddenly plagued by a horrible headache. Without giving his actions much thought, he popped the Advil pills that Jeremy gave him, washing them down with more juice.

"Next time I'll do better," he said, meeting Tristan's eyes briefly before lowering his gaze. How many times had he said that to Sistino? No matter how hard he tried, he always failed to please his stepfather, but he was determined that things would be different with Tristan. "I'm sorry I freaked out and upset you with that raking crying shit. I promise it won't happen again."

Marz shoved the cork back into the flask and let it drop to his side. "I guess we should get ready because we'll probably be leaving in a little while to search out that Sea of Salt." His movements were rather lethargic as he strapped his weapons into place and pulled on his boots. "I'll carry the backpack since just about everything inside of it belongs to me anyway." For some reason, he felt a little greedy about his possessions and even touched the dagger earring to make sure it still dangled from his ear. "Remember those communication mirrors we bought, Tris? Well I gave mine to Corum and now I've decided that I want it back. Remind me to ask him to return to me later, okay?"

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