VoyForums

Friday, November 27, 10:00:26amLogin ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 12345678910 ]


[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Date Posted: 04:11:16 08/25/11 Thu
Author: Lady Morilka
Subject: Option 1 (more or less) This little poem/song has been bugging me for years now and I still havn't found the right words to polish it but maybe your crits and suggestions may help.>>>>
In reply to: Esther 's message, "Check it out >>>" on 14:55:13 08/23/11 Tue

"Backwards into the futur" posted for critique purpose only, does not constitute publication

When you left me
you riped apart
all that tied us together
and left me standing there
alone and bare.

ref:
I stand alone
on this darkend road
as the world goes by.

Since then I found
that I lost my ground
and kept tumbling through
the currents of life
with no way to cussion the fall.

ref

Since then I found
every dent in the road
kept looking back
loosing my track
with nowhere to go.

ref

But now I found
that I can be save and sound
without you by my side
I can be my own guide
and leave my tracks
as I walk the world

strong and free.

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]


Replies:

[> [> [> Yikes- its been so long, i can't remember my password but hello! and iinside>>>> -- susiej, 11:20:55 10/04/11 Tue

I liked this alot, especially the lines
"without you by my side, i can be my own guide"

only I'd change it to...i am my own guide

it sounds stronger, though "can" does imply a choice, i think that the choice itself means one is the guide, the choser so i just think it fits better with the wonderful final words

strong and free.

Now there were a few mispellings:
ripped
cushion

and I think you meant "safe" when you used save

but those are minor- overall, great emotion, strong message

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[ Edit | View ]



[> [> [> [> Ahhh, so someone is still awake here :) (I was on vaccation the last week ;)) -- Lady Morilka, 17:58:43 10/15/11 Sat

Thanks for the crit you got me thinking with the wordchange. Somehow I still very much like the "can" since it is, as you pointed out, a choice. But your wording does have an appeal too. It points out the self awarenes that is reached at that point, which was quite a strong one (I know!) since this is more or less autobiographic and took several month to get all its verses. They emerged one after the other, every new one a new point in coming to terms and than overcoming.
And you are very right about the spelling, I have read and reread this poem so often I can't count it, but never seen those.

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[ Edit | View ]








Post a message:
This forum requires an account to post.
[ Create Account ]
[ Login ]



Forum timezone: GMT-5
VF Version: 3.00b, ConfDB:
Before posting please read our privacy policy.
VoyForums(tm) is a Free Service from Voyager Info-Systems.
Copyright © 1998-2019 Voyager Info-Systems. All Rights Reserved.