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debikm debikm, 20:39:16 05/23/10 Sun
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Good point... -- Debi, 14:53:08 05/24/10 Mon
>Small correction:
>Alan's mouth opened and closed a few times then
>he shook his head, his face slowly resuming a more
>normal coloration.
>
>Also, the, um, sex toy you described sounds like a
>particular type of vibrator...wouldn't it be more
>accurate to say vibrator rather than dildo?
True, true, not that I have a vast knowledge of these things. (Why are you laughing?;-) I will fix them. Thanks!!
Debi
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LOL I have Sex in the City to thank for that particular bit of knowledge! :0) -- Promise, 20:52:28 05/24/10 Mon
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The term "neon purple schlong" is worth the price of admission alone! >>> -- Page, 15:51:32 05/24/10 Mon
However...
I hate to say this after you've done so much reworking, but I liked it better before. (don't hate me, don't hate me, don't hate me!) I do like some of the things you added, like a more thorough insight to those lockers (the pink scrubs and D&B purse in Nessa's, etc.), and Val's exact positioning of Alan's "surprise."
But having Valerie wondering if Daniel was going to be the recipient of the vibrator to the eye was built up with...well, no payoff. (Btw, I loved the bit about his poker face, and Swahili being easier to read!) It just ended with Valerie deciding he hadn't had an encounter of the sex toy kind. Plus, Daniel's changing clothes there really threw me. Since he and Valerie are still at the Mr. and Miss stage, it can't be too long after he showed up at the clinic to pay his bill and wanted to resume his raquetball games with Alan. But all of a sudden he has a key to the staff bathroom and a locker there? I kept wondering if he was going to go by the clinic to change clothes every time he went to the gym. Wouldn't he just carry his gym clothes in his bag and change in the gym locker room like most people? I can understand Alan having a locker at the clinic, but Daniel? Unless it's explained elsewhere, it seemed to me like putting the characters in an unbelievable situation just to fit this one scene.
Another thing that made me go "hmm" was Alan's reaction. He seemed enraged, and that was so unlike the way he's described elsewhere it was really jarring. Sure it hit him in the eye, but I'd have expected him to find it funny. After all, he's the one who gave his sister-in-law a neon purple vibrator with a bunny on it. (The bunny makes me laugh out loud every time!!) I would have expected him to do something like tape it to the roof of her car or something. But for him to come out of the bathroom so angry that he throws it at her made me go, "Whoa." For me it kind of ruined the whole impact of Valerie's joke.
But that's just me. I still adore this book with my whole heart; I just feel you started to lose your voice a bit in this particular piece.
Hugs,
Page
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Point taken...;-) -- Debi, 19:21:09 05/24/10 Mon
>However...
>
>I hate to say this after you've done so much
>reworking, but I liked it better before. (don't hate
>me, don't hate me, don't hate me!) I do like some of
>the things you added, like a more thorough insight to
>those lockers (the pink scrubs and D&B purse in
>Nessa's, etc.), and Val's exact positioning of Alan's
>"surprise."
>
>But having Valerie wondering if Daniel was going to be
>the recipient of the vibrator to the eye was built up
>with...well, no payoff. (Btw, I loved the bit
>about his poker face, and Swahili being easier to
>read!) It just ended with Valerie deciding he hadn't
>had an encounter of the sex toy kind. Plus, Daniel's
>changing clothes there really threw me. Since he and
>Valerie are still at the Mr. and Miss stage, it can't
>be too long after he showed up at the clinic to pay
>his bill and wanted to resume his raquetball games
>with Alan. But all of a sudden he has a key to the
>staff bathroom and a locker there? I kept wondering
>if he was going to go by the clinic to change clothes
>every time he went to the gym. Wouldn't he just carry
>his gym clothes in his bag and change in the gym
>locker room like most people? I can understand Alan
>having a locker at the clinic, but Daniel? Unless
>it's explained elsewhere, it seemed to me like putting
>the characters in an unbelievable situation just to
>fit this one scene.
>
>Another thing that made me go "hmm" was Alan's
>reaction. He seemed enraged, and that was so unlike
>the way he's described elsewhere it was really
>jarring. Sure it hit him in the eye, but I'd have
>expected him to find it funny. After all, he's the
>one who gave his sister-in-law a neon purple vibrator
>with a bunny on it. (The bunny makes me laugh out
>loud every time!!) I would have expected him to do
>something like tape it to the roof of her car or
>something. But for him to come out of the bathroom so
>angry that he throws it at her made me go,
>"Whoa." For me it kind of ruined the whole impact of
>Valerie's joke.
>
>But that's just me. I still adore this book with my
>whole heart; I just feel you started to lose your
>voice a bit in this particular piece.
>
>Hugs,
>Page
I'll work on it a bit more. It's getting there, but it still needs soem help. I appreciate the insights. Yeah, Alan's pretty goofy most of the time so that does need to be toned down a bit. Maybe he needs to drag Nessa into it and whine like a little boy about someone not playing nice.;-) That would be more his speed. I didn't realize it was coming across with so much negativity. And I need to explain that Alan gave him a key to the bathroom so he could change when he needed to. Like I said, it needs more work, but it was pretty damn funny...
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Okay, still now payoff for the buildup, but a happier conclusion... -- debikm, 16:26:20 05/30/10 Sun
So here's the rewrite of the end of the scene.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Valerie heard the far door of the bathroom close and she couldn’t keep from grinning. Daniel glanced down the hall, then gave her a curious look.
“What’s funny?”
She shook her head with an enigmatic smile.
A muted thump, accompanied by a strangled cry sounded from the bathroom.
“Ow—what the—!” A loud bang accompanied the cacophony from behind the door.
Daniel straightened, looking alarmed. “Alan, you all right?”
Muffled swearing came from the bathroom for a few more minutes then the door sprang open. Alan popped into the lobby as if he’d been catapulted, brandishing the bright purple vibrator. His eye watered, his fair skin blushed bright red around it.
Alan pointed at her, eyes darting around to ensure they were client-free. “You—“
“Me, what?” Alan snickered and chucked the thing at her. She ducked as it hit the wall with a loud THWAP!, rebounded and rolled across the floor and out of sight under a shelf stacked with pamphlets about heartworm prevention. Thank God for small favors.
Daniel eyed the device’s dark lair for a moment, then his brows drew together, a hint of a smirk on his lips. “Was that a rabbit on—?”
“Don’t ask.” Alan shook his head, his gaze fixed on Valerie.
Giving Alan a steady look, Daniel nodded. “Okay. I’m not going to ask you why you have a large purple sex toy decorated with an innocent woodland creature at work or why you’re flinging it about the place.” He glanced at Valerie with a subtle wink. “Must be why he has difficulty in keeping receptionists.”
Alan mouth opened and closed a few times then he shook his head, his face slowly resuming a more normal coloration. He and Valerie locked gazes, her biting her lips to keep from giggling. A tiny snicker slipped out and her control slipped. Alan quivered as if he were palsied then he burst out laughing. Valerie stopped trying to stifle her hilarity and backed up to sit in her chair, tears streaming down her face.
Daniel shook his head with a wry smile and picked up his racquet. “Ready to go, then?”
Alan tried to turn the locked knob of the bathroom. Valerie dangled the key, then tossed it to him. He let himself into the bathroom and grabbed his racquet, pausing as he re emerged to take a breath and give Valerie a steady look.
“Truce, okay?” She nodded, still chuckling. He flipped a hand toward the shelf. “And get rid of that thing willya? I’m sorry I ever gave it to you.” He headed toward the door.
Daniel nodded, his expression gracious as he glanced at Valerie. “Nice seeing you again, Miss—“
“My name is Valerie,” she reminded him, more laughter Alan’s expense lurking just behind the words. She could only imagine the conversation soon to take place on the way to the courts and her ears flamed again at the thought.
“Valerie it is then. Good day.” He followed Alan out the door, closing it behind him. Valerie dissolved into another fit of the giggles.
Nessa came out of the office and gave her sister an appraising look. “Did you mean to hit him in the eye?”
“Maybe.”
Nessa snorted. “You kids need to learn how to behave in public.” She chuckled, turned and went back into her office without another word.
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LOL >>>> -- Fi, 10:52:44 05/27/10 Thu
Enjoyable as ever. Comments below.
>^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
>Valerie was drowning in a sea of phone calls late
>Tuesday morning. As she answered and directed calls,
>she was grateful that they only had three phone lines.
Repeats information that we already know.
>and just before lunch everything slowed long enough to
allow her to hurry to the restroom.
>she had to admit, the bunny at the base was kind of cute.
:D
>A row of narrow, locker-like cabinets stood along the wall.
"Locker-like cabinets" or just "lockers"?
>“What accent?”
Not sure I get this. Does Alan not hear Daniel's accent?
>Steeling herself, she took a deep breath and crept
>with great trepidation
When I edit, I like to take out qualifier words like "great", "quite", "very", etc. unless they're really needed. I see those kind of words like pepper - a little goes a long way :)
>Swahili would be easier to read.
:D
>The phone rang and she almost snatched at it in relief.
Did she snatch at it or not? The sentence isn't clear.
>Mrs. Carpenter exited the exam room and came up to pay her bill.
>“So, as the captain, you’re the one doing the actual
>flying? I mean, what else is there to do?” She paused,
>shaking her head. “I sound like an idiot. Of course
>there’s more things to do besides fly.”
Oh, I remember this feeling of being tongue-tied one minute and spouting out nonsense the next. It's so obvious she fancies him rotten.
>His eyes sparkled in pleasure with the conversation,
>“Ow—what the—!” A loud bang accompanied the cacophony
>from behind the door.
It's dat darn wabbit :)
> She ducked as it hit the wall with a loud THWAP!, rebounded and
>rolled across the floor and out of sight under a shelf
>stacked with pamphlets about heartworm prevention.
Nicely vivid.
>her ears flamed again at the thought.
Valerie gets hot and "flames" a lot. Is she usually prone to blushing or is it just around Daniel?
>Nessa snorted. “You kids need to learn how to behave in public.”
Poor Nessa! Her 5-year-old daughter is the most mature person in her life.
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Re: LOL >>>> -- Debi, 18:13:13 05/27/10 Thu
>Enjoyable as ever. Comments below.
>
>>^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^>>A row of narrow, locker-like cabinets stood along the
>wall.
>"Locker-like cabinets" or just "lockers"?
>
Locker-like cabinets. I've had them in workplaces before. Tall, narrow, meant to be used my=uch like a locker, but not quite the same.
>>“What accent?”
>Not sure I get this. Does Alan not hear Daniel's
>accent?
After all the time he's known Daniel, it probably doesn'ty register, but I'll play with it and dump it if unneccesary.
>
>>Steeling herself, she took a deep breath and crept
>>with great trepidation
>When I edit, I like to take out qualifier words like
>"great", "quite", "very", etc. unless they're really
>needed. I see those kind of words like pepper - a
>little goes a long way :)
Good idea. I'm glad of good eyes like yours!
>>The phone rang and she almost snatched at it in
>relief.
>Did she snatch at it or not? The sentence isn't clear.
Gotcha. She did or didn't.
>>“So, as the captain, you’re the one doing the actual
>>flying? I mean, what else is there to do?” She paused,
>>shaking her head. “I sound like an idiot. Of course
>>there’s more things to do besides fly.”
>Oh, I remember this feeling of being tongue-tied one
>minute and spouting out nonsense the next. It's so
>obvious she fancies him rotten.
>
LOL!!!
>>His eyes sparkled in pleasure with the,
>conversation
>
>
>>her ears flamed again at the thought.
>Valerie gets hot and "flames" a lot. Is she usually
>prone to blushing or is it just around Daniel?
She's very fair so any embarrassment shows up easily as a blush, but she seems to do it a lot around him at this time. She does fancy him rotten, but she doesn't want too. Just makes it all the more awkward.;-)
>
>>Nessa snorted. “You kids need to learn how to behave
>in public.”
>Poor Nessa! Her 5-year-old daughter is the most mature
>person in her life.
More than likely...
Glad you enjoyed it and again, thanks so much for the feedback. It is greatly appreciated.
Debi
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