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Date Posted: 20:39:16 05/23/10 Sun
Author: 
debikm
Subject: Oh yeah, probably NSFW and beverage warning...;-)
In reply to:
debikm
's message, "A revised scene from Old Dogs, 1864 words" on 20:32:39 05/23/10 Sun
Excerpt from Old Dogs, copyright 2009-2010, all rights reserved. Posted for critique and sharing purposes only; does not constitute publication.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Valerie was drowning in a sea of phone calls late Tuesday morning. As she answered and directed calls, she was grateful that they only had three phone lines. As clients came and went she juggled the phone, computer, file folders, money and merchandise. Her morning coffee was making the whole act uncomfortable and just before lunch everything slowed long enough to allow her to hurry to the restroom. Taking her bag, she unlocked the hall door to the private staff-only bathroom next to Nessa and Alan’s office.
After she took care of business, she rummaged in the bag and extracted her birthday present from her brother-in-law, taking a moment to marvel again at his audacity. The dildo was eight inches of bright violet glory, though, she had to admit, the bunny at the base was kind of cute.
A row of narrow, locker-like cabinets stood along the wall. Opening the first one, she found pink scrubs and a navy Dooney & Bourke bag. Wrong locker. Nessa probably wouldn’t appreciate being attacked by a sex toy. Moving to the next, she found a stash of towels. Nope. The next had a racquet dangling from a hook inside the door, with sweats and shorts in a neat stack on the shelf. Voila. Now she was faced the problem of how to place it for maximum impact. Alan was going to wish he’d never given her the thing. She could place it between the stacks of clothing, but knowing her brother in law, he’d just yank out what he needed and the dildo would roll to the back of the cabinet unnoticed. The pocket of the sweats was another option. But the weather was warm enough today Valerie was afraid he’d go straight for the shorts and again, the element of surprise would be lost. Evaluating the length of the device against the height of the top shelf of the cabinet, she decided it would fit. Propping its base against the shelf’s edge, she leaned the tip against the top of the door and carefully closed the locker. Excellent. When Alan opened it, it would smack him right in the face, maybe even put out an eye. She had to resist an urge to rub her hands together in evil glee.
The phone chirped in the lobby, interrupting her pre-victory dance. Valerie snatched the door open to bolt for her desk and almost ran headlong into a man’s chest. He pivoted with deft precision, catching her arm and she stumbled to halt, her nose mere inches from the buttons on his crisp oxford shirt. Craning her neck back, she gazed up into the startled green eyes of Daniel Hollingsworth, the tiny part of her mind not cringing in embarrassment noting the considerable difference in their heights. “I’m so sorry Mr. –“
“No harm done.” He let go of her arm. “And it’s Daniel. Please.” The relentless ringing of the phone ceased and he glanced toward it, expression contrite. “Now I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” Valerie slid behind her desk and checked the display. “They’re leaving a message.” She picked up the receiver, finger poised to press playback.
Smiling, Daniel fished in the pocket of his khakis and extracted a key. “Can you let Alan know I’m here? I’ll just be getting changed into my racquetball things.”
Valerie gripped the phone hard, message forgotten as he inserted the key in the lock and turned the knob. The soft click of the latch made her heart stop.
Dear God, did I just plant the friggin’ thing in his locker? She half-listened to the message, scribbling a hasty note to herself to call the sales representative back later, and gave the bathroom door a wide berth as she scurried down the hall to the lab.
Alan was sitting on a stool, looking through the microscope. As Valerie approached he glanced up.
“Did I hear Sky Captain’s voice?”
Valerie stopped. “Mr. Holli—Daniel’s a pilot?”
Alan nodded. “For Caledonia.” He took the slide off the stage of the microscope and dropped it into the sink.
She blinked. “Really?”
“What?”
“I would have guessed Virgin.” Alan snorted and gave her a long look. Valerie felt her face grow hot under his significant stare. “Hello? British accent? Oh so impeccable manners? Quite unlike what I get from you.”
His brows drew together as he smirked. “Are those prerequisites for being a virgin?”
“Flying for—“
“What accent?”
Her ears felt certain to burst into flames at any moment. His grin widening, he made an entry on the chart. “Pretty cool job, huh?”
Valerie shrugged. “If you say so. He was changing his clothes.” And hopefully not being assaulted by a neon purple schlong.
Alan nodded. “I’ll just send Mrs. Carpenter up to you and then get ready. Let him know I’ll be out in just a few minutes, all right?” He went back into the exam room.
Steeling herself, she took a deep breath and crept with great trepidation back to her desk behind the counter. She was more than a little afraid of what she’d have to deal with if she’d booby-trapped the wrong locker.
As she crossed reception, she got cold feet and sought refuge behind her computer monitor, but the infernal man was already changed and came to stand by the counter so he could see her. With a deep breath, Valerie pasted on a weak smile and turned to him.
“He’ll be up in just a minute.”
His expression was neutral. Talk about a poker face; Swahili would be easier to read. She felt heat scorching its way to her hairline. Again. The phone rang and she almost snatched at it in relief. “Excuse me.”
Daniel nodded. “Thanks.” He returned to a seat, with a clear view of her position.
Call concluded, she checked the clock. It was nearly lunchtime. She wanted to go home, grab some food and let Taser out for awhile. All she had to do was get the last client checked out and Alan out the door and she could escape.
Mrs. Carpenter exited the exam room and came up to pay her bill. All the while, Valerie was aware of Daniel watching her. His gaze didn’t seem to be incriminating and she hadn’t heard a commotion when he was changing, so she breathed easier. The trap was still set for its intended victim. Mrs. Carpenter and Toby left the lobby, door closing behind them, leaving a palpable quiet behind. The silence pressed. Why don’t they have music in here, a TV, anything? After securing the desk and taking care of any other pointless tasks she could find, she decided enough was enough. They were alone in reception; she couldn’t continue to ignore him. She looked up, unsurprised to find his gaze on her and felt compelled to say something to fill the quiet.
“So, Alan told me you’re a pilot.” Her face went warm again.
Daniel quirked a brow at her, then smiled. “Yes I am. Captain Daniel Hollingsworth, at your service.” He gave her a little half-bow, his hand over his heart. The English gentleman again showed infinite kindness and courtesy in favoring her absurdity with his attention.
“So, as the captain, you’re the one doing the actual flying? I mean, what else is there to do?” She paused, shaking her head. “I sound like an idiot. Of course there’s more things to do besides fly.”
Daniel smiled. “No, it’s a legitimate question.” Rising, he came to stand near her desk and rested his forearms on the counter. “I fly, and I’m responsible for everything that goes on during the flight, from the condition of the aircraft to the safety of passengers and crew.”
Valerie caught herself rolling a pencil back and forth between her hands and flattened her palms on the desk, the pencil spinning to a stop against her thumb. “That’s a lot to be responsible for.”
His eyes sparkled in pleasure with the conversation, and his infectious smile made her comfortable; her misgivings about their conversation faded.
“That’s why they only let us fly a hundred hours a month.” He shrugged. “I get long stretches of time off so I have to find something to fill it.”
“Hence the racquetball date with my brother in law.”
“Exactly.”
Valerie heard the far door of the bathroom close and she couldn’t keep from grinning. Daniel glanced down the hall, then gave her a curious look.
“What’s funny?”
She shook her head with an enigmatic smile.
A muted thump, accompanied by a strangled cry sounded from the bathroom.
“Ow—what the—!” A loud bang accompanied the cacophony from behind the door.
Daniel straightened, looking alarmed. “Alan, you all right?”
Muffled swearing came from the bathroom for a few more minutes then the door sprang open. Alan stalked into the lobby, brandishing the bright purple dildo. His eye watered, his fair skin blushed bright red around it.
Alan pointed at her. “You—“
“Me, what?” Alan chucked the thing at her. She ducked as it hit the wall with a loud THWAP!, rebounded and rolled across the floor and out of sight under a shelf stacked with pamphlets about heartworm prevention. Thank God for small favors.
Daniel eyed the dildo’s dark lair for a moment, then his brows drew together. “Was that a rabbit on—?”
“Don’t ask.” Alan glared.
Giving Alan a steady look, Daniel nodded. “Okay. I’m not going to ask you why you have a large purple sex toy decorated with an innocent woodland creature at work or why you’re flinging it about the place.” He glanced at Valerie with a subtle wink. “Must be why he has difficulty in keeping receptionists.”
Alan mouth opened and closed a few times then he shook his head, his face slowly resuming a more normal coloration. He took a deep breath, staring daggers at Valerie.
Daniel strode to his seat and picked up his racquet. “Ready to go, then?”
Alan pivoted on his heel and tried to turn the locked knob of the bathroom. Valerie could almost see the steam coming out of his ears. Valerie dangled the key, but one look at Alan’s outraged expression had her tossing it to him. Catching it, he jammed it into the lock, wrenched the door open, grabbed his racquet and let the door slam in his wake as he stalked out the front door.
Daniel nodded, his expression gracious as he glanced at Valerie. “Nice seeing you again, Miss—“
“My name is Valerie,” she reminded him, a laugh at Alan’s expense lurking just behind the words. She could only imagine the conversation soon to take place on the way to the courts and her ears flamed again at the thought.
“Valerie it is then. Good day.” He followed Alan out the door, closing it behind him. Valerie was able at last to give in to helpless, horrified laughter.
Nessa came out of the office and gave her sister an appraising look. “Did you mean to hit him in the eye?”
“Maybe.”
Nessa snorted. “You kids need to learn how to behave in public.” She chuckled, turned and went back into her office without another word.
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Hilarious! -- Promise, 11:15:42 05/24/10 Mon
Small correction:
Alan's mouth opened and closed a few times then he shook his head, his face slowly resuming a more normal coloration.
Also, the, um, sex toy you described sounds like a particular type of vibrator...wouldn't it be more accurate to say vibrator rather than dildo?
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Good point... -- Debi, 14:53:08 05/24/10 Mon
>Small correction:
>Alan's mouth opened and closed a few times then
>he shook his head, his face slowly resuming a more
>normal coloration.
>
>Also, the, um, sex toy you described sounds like a
>particular type of vibrator...wouldn't it be more
>accurate to say vibrator rather than dildo?
True, true, not that I have a vast knowledge of these things. (Why are you laughing?;-) I will fix them. Thanks!!
Debi
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LOL I have Sex in the City to thank for that particular bit of knowledge! :0) -- Promise, 20:52:28 05/24/10 Mon
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The term "neon purple schlong" is worth the price of admission alone! >>> -- Page, 15:51:32 05/24/10 Mon
However...
I hate to say this after you've done so much reworking, but I liked it better before. (don't hate me, don't hate me, don't hate me!) I do like some of the things you added, like a more thorough insight to those lockers (the pink scrubs and D&B purse in Nessa's, etc.), and Val's exact positioning of Alan's "surprise."
But having Valerie wondering if Daniel was going to be the recipient of the vibrator to the eye was built up with...well, no payoff. (Btw, I loved the bit about his poker face, and Swahili being easier to read!) It just ended with Valerie deciding he hadn't had an encounter of the sex toy kind. Plus, Daniel's changing clothes there really threw me. Since he and Valerie are still at the Mr. and Miss stage, it can't be too long after he showed up at the clinic to pay his bill and wanted to resume his raquetball games with Alan. But all of a sudden he has a key to the staff bathroom and a locker there? I kept wondering if he was going to go by the clinic to change clothes every time he went to the gym. Wouldn't he just carry his gym clothes in his bag and change in the gym locker room like most people? I can understand Alan having a locker at the clinic, but Daniel? Unless it's explained elsewhere, it seemed to me like putting the characters in an unbelievable situation just to fit this one scene.
Another thing that made me go "hmm" was Alan's reaction. He seemed enraged, and that was so unlike the way he's described elsewhere it was really jarring. Sure it hit him in the eye, but I'd have expected him to find it funny. After all, he's the one who gave his sister-in-law a neon purple vibrator with a bunny on it. (The bunny makes me laugh out loud every time!!) I would have expected him to do something like tape it to the roof of her car or something. But for him to come out of the bathroom so angry that he throws it at her made me go, "Whoa." For me it kind of ruined the whole impact of Valerie's joke.
But that's just me. I still adore this book with my whole heart; I just feel you started to lose your voice a bit in this particular piece.
Hugs,
Page
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Point taken...;-) -- Debi, 19:21:09 05/24/10 Mon
>However...
>
>I hate to say this after you've done so much
>reworking, but I liked it better before. (don't hate
>me, don't hate me, don't hate me!) I do like some of
>the things you added, like a more thorough insight to
>those lockers (the pink scrubs and D&B purse in
>Nessa's, etc.), and Val's exact positioning of Alan's
>"surprise."
>
>But having Valerie wondering if Daniel was going to be
>the recipient of the vibrator to the eye was built up
>with...well, no payoff. (Btw, I loved the bit
>about his poker face, and Swahili being easier to
>read!) It just ended with Valerie deciding he hadn't
>had an encounter of the sex toy kind. Plus, Daniel's
>changing clothes there really threw me. Since he and
>Valerie are still at the Mr. and Miss stage, it can't
>be too long after he showed up at the clinic to pay
>his bill and wanted to resume his raquetball games
>with Alan. But all of a sudden he has a key to the
>staff bathroom and a locker there? I kept wondering
>if he was going to go by the clinic to change clothes
>every time he went to the gym. Wouldn't he just carry
>his gym clothes in his bag and change in the gym
>locker room like most people? I can understand Alan
>having a locker at the clinic, but Daniel? Unless
>it's explained elsewhere, it seemed to me like putting
>the characters in an unbelievable situation just to
>fit this one scene.
>
>Another thing that made me go "hmm" was Alan's
>reaction. He seemed enraged, and that was so unlike
>the way he's described elsewhere it was really
>jarring. Sure it hit him in the eye, but I'd have
>expected him to find it funny. After all, he's the
>one who gave his sister-in-law a neon purple vibrator
>with a bunny on it. (The bunny makes me laugh out
>loud every time!!) I would have expected him to do
>something like tape it to the roof of her car or
>something. But for him to come out of the bathroom so
>angry that he throws it at her made me go,
>"Whoa." For me it kind of ruined the whole impact of
>Valerie's joke.
>
>But that's just me. I still adore this book with my
>whole heart; I just feel you started to lose your
>voice a bit in this particular piece.
>
>Hugs,
>Page
I'll work on it a bit more. It's getting there, but it still needs soem help. I appreciate the insights. Yeah, Alan's pretty goofy most of the time so that does need to be toned down a bit. Maybe he needs to drag Nessa into it and whine like a little boy about someone not playing nice.;-) That would be more his speed. I didn't realize it was coming across with so much negativity. And I need to explain that Alan gave him a key to the bathroom so he could change when he needed to. Like I said, it needs more work, but it was pretty damn funny...
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Okay, still now payoff for the buildup, but a happier conclusion... -- debikm, 16:26:20 05/30/10 Sun
So here's the rewrite of the end of the scene.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Valerie heard the far door of the bathroom close and she couldn’t keep from grinning. Daniel glanced down the hall, then gave her a curious look.
“What’s funny?”
She shook her head with an enigmatic smile.
A muted thump, accompanied by a strangled cry sounded from the bathroom.
“Ow—what the—!” A loud bang accompanied the cacophony from behind the door.
Daniel straightened, looking alarmed. “Alan, you all right?”
Muffled swearing came from the bathroom for a few more minutes then the door sprang open. Alan popped into the lobby as if he’d been catapulted, brandishing the bright purple vibrator. His eye watered, his fair skin blushed bright red around it.
Alan pointed at her, eyes darting around to ensure they were client-free. “You—“
“Me, what?” Alan snickered and chucked the thing at her. She ducked as it hit the wall with a loud THWAP!, rebounded and rolled across the floor and out of sight under a shelf stacked with pamphlets about heartworm prevention. Thank God for small favors.
Daniel eyed the device’s dark lair for a moment, then his brows drew together, a hint of a smirk on his lips. “Was that a rabbit on—?”
“Don’t ask.” Alan shook his head, his gaze fixed on Valerie.
Giving Alan a steady look, Daniel nodded. “Okay. I’m not going to ask you why you have a large purple sex toy decorated with an innocent woodland creature at work or why you’re flinging it about the place.” He glanced at Valerie with a subtle wink. “Must be why he has difficulty in keeping receptionists.”
Alan mouth opened and closed a few times then he shook his head, his face slowly resuming a more normal coloration. He and Valerie locked gazes, her biting her lips to keep from giggling. A tiny snicker slipped out and her control slipped. Alan quivered as if he were palsied then he burst out laughing. Valerie stopped trying to stifle her hilarity and backed up to sit in her chair, tears streaming down her face.
Daniel shook his head with a wry smile and picked up his racquet. “Ready to go, then?”
Alan tried to turn the locked knob of the bathroom. Valerie dangled the key, then tossed it to him. He let himself into the bathroom and grabbed his racquet, pausing as he re emerged to take a breath and give Valerie a steady look.
“Truce, okay?” She nodded, still chuckling. He flipped a hand toward the shelf. “And get rid of that thing willya? I’m sorry I ever gave it to you.” He headed toward the door.
Daniel nodded, his expression gracious as he glanced at Valerie. “Nice seeing you again, Miss—“
“My name is Valerie,” she reminded him, more laughter Alan’s expense lurking just behind the words. She could only imagine the conversation soon to take place on the way to the courts and her ears flamed again at the thought.
“Valerie it is then. Good day.” He followed Alan out the door, closing it behind him. Valerie dissolved into another fit of the giggles.
Nessa came out of the office and gave her sister an appraising look. “Did you mean to hit him in the eye?”
“Maybe.”
Nessa snorted. “You kids need to learn how to behave in public.” She chuckled, turned and went back into her office without another word.
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LOL >>>> -- Fi, 10:52:44 05/27/10 Thu
Enjoyable as ever. Comments below.
>^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
>Valerie was drowning in a sea of phone calls late
>Tuesday morning. As she answered and directed calls,
>she was grateful that they only had three phone lines.
Repeats information that we already know.
>and just before lunch everything slowed long enough to
allow her to hurry to the restroom.
>she had to admit, the bunny at the base was kind of cute.
:D
>A row of narrow, locker-like cabinets stood along the wall.
"Locker-like cabinets" or just "lockers"?
>“What accent?”
Not sure I get this. Does Alan not hear Daniel's accent?
>Steeling herself, she took a deep breath and crept
>with great trepidation
When I edit, I like to take out qualifier words like "great", "quite", "very", etc. unless they're really needed. I see those kind of words like pepper - a little goes a long way :)
>Swahili would be easier to read.
:D
>The phone rang and she almost snatched at it in relief.
Did she snatch at it or not? The sentence isn't clear.
>Mrs. Carpenter exited the exam room and came up to pay her bill.
>“So, as the captain, you’re the one doing the actual
>flying? I mean, what else is there to do?” She paused,
>shaking her head. “I sound like an idiot. Of course
>there’s more things to do besides fly.”
Oh, I remember this feeling of being tongue-tied one minute and spouting out nonsense the next. It's so obvious she fancies him rotten.
>His eyes sparkled in pleasure with the conversation,
>“Ow—what the—!” A loud bang accompanied the cacophony
>from behind the door.
It's dat darn wabbit :)
> She ducked as it hit the wall with a loud THWAP!, rebounded and
>rolled across the floor and out of sight under a shelf
>stacked with pamphlets about heartworm prevention.
Nicely vivid.
>her ears flamed again at the thought.
Valerie gets hot and "flames" a lot. Is she usually prone to blushing or is it just around Daniel?
>Nessa snorted. “You kids need to learn how to behave in public.”
Poor Nessa! Her 5-year-old daughter is the most mature person in her life.
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Re: LOL >>>> -- Debi, 18:13:13 05/27/10 Thu
>Enjoyable as ever. Comments below.
>
>>^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^>>A row of narrow, locker-like cabinets stood along the
>wall.
>"Locker-like cabinets" or just "lockers"?
>
Locker-like cabinets. I've had them in workplaces before. Tall, narrow, meant to be used my=uch like a locker, but not quite the same.
>>“What accent?”
>Not sure I get this. Does Alan not hear Daniel's
>accent?
After all the time he's known Daniel, it probably doesn'ty register, but I'll play with it and dump it if unneccesary.
>
>>Steeling herself, she took a deep breath and crept
>>with great trepidation
>When I edit, I like to take out qualifier words like
>"great", "quite", "very", etc. unless they're really
>needed. I see those kind of words like pepper - a
>little goes a long way :)
Good idea. I'm glad of good eyes like yours!
>>The phone rang and she almost snatched at it in
>relief.
>Did she snatch at it or not? The sentence isn't clear.
Gotcha. She did or didn't.
>>“So, as the captain, you’re the one doing the actual
>>flying? I mean, what else is there to do?” She paused,
>>shaking her head. “I sound like an idiot. Of course
>>there’s more things to do besides fly.”
>Oh, I remember this feeling of being tongue-tied one
>minute and spouting out nonsense the next. It's so
>obvious she fancies him rotten.
>
LOL!!!
>>His eyes sparkled in pleasure with the
>conversation,
>
>
>>her ears flamed again at the thought.
>Valerie gets hot and "flames" a lot. Is she usually
>prone to blushing or is it just around Daniel?
She's very fair so any embarrassment shows up easily as a blush, but she seems to do it a lot around him at this time. She does fancy him rotten, but she doesn't want too. Just makes it all the more awkward.;-)
>
>>Nessa snorted. “You kids need to learn how to behave
>in public.”
>Poor Nessa! Her 5-year-old daughter is the most mature
>person in her life.
More than likely...
Glad you enjoyed it and again, thanks so much for the feedback. It is greatly appreciated.
Debi
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