Create a New Forum Admin Login Member Login Contribute to Voyager Search VoyForums Help Desk VoyForums Exchange VoyForums Directory/Categories VoyForums Homepage VoyForums News FAQ - Frequently Asked Questions

Wednesday, July 16, 03:20:17pm

[ Login ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, [8], 9 ]

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[ Edit | View ]

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[ Edit | View ]

[> [> [> Sheila is very new to me too -- Debi, 06:43:16 10/20/09 Tue

>I like where this seems to be headed. Only one
>thing, and I know you said it was still rough, but I'm
>not getting a good "feel" for Sheila. I probably
>wouldn't have noticed it, but every other character
>you've introduced has become full blown real in my
>mind after just a few sentences. But, then, I've not
>read the rest yet, so I'll shut up and do that
>now....

I mean, I've known she was Vic's ex- since the beginning, but I realized, if they remained good friends and even have houses that back up to one anohter, she's got to still be a part of the family, apart from being Mark and Stephanie's mother (they'll show up too, if I haven't already introduced them here.) She was very specific about her appearance though, and the Australian accent just popped in. I'll put more flesh on the bones of this character, I promise!

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[ Edit | View ]

[> [> first>>>> -- Lady Morilka, 03:54:19 10/26/09 Mon

>Old Dogs excerpt, copyright 2008-2009, Debi
>Matlack, all rights reserved. Posted for sharing and
>critique purposes only, does not constitute
>publication.
>
>
>Afternoon sun fell warm on Valerie’s shoulders.
ok, here the POV irritates me a bit, it is not wrong, but... in the first line I feel like I'm standing behind her and watch and than without warning I'm in her head. might just be me though. Maybe if you change the order a bit, ie: Valerie felt the afternoon sun warm on ther Shoulder.
>Sitting on the edge of the dock watching the boats and
>the birds was nice, but the urge to do something
>constructive or at least entertaining was growing in
>her. It was Saturday, the work day had been quiet, no
>tasks in the house were really pressing. A canoe ride
>was appealing, so was just sitting in the porch swing
>with a book. But there were no books in the house she
>hadn’t already read, so, maybe a trip to the book
>store. One of her gift cards still had a bit of room
>on it… Her mind was almost made up to act on the
>book-buying impulse,
when she heared (JMHO)
there was a crunch of gravel in
>the drive behind her. Looking over her shoulder in
>curiosity, she scrambled to her feet and hurried to
>meet her visitor when she heard the voice call,
>“Hello?”
>
>“Sheila!” Valerie was squeezed in a warm hug, grinning
>as Sheila kissed both cheeks. Then her former sister
>in law held her at arm’s length and regarded her for a
>long moment.
>
>“Vic was right, you look like hell.” The not-unkind
>words were spoken with a trace of an Australian accent.
Did we meet or hear about Vic before? Cos my first thought was that I wondered where Sheila came from since my first direction of placing her was with Bens family.
>
>Valerie shook her head with a sigh. “Vic needs to keep
>his big gob shut.” Then she grinned, throwing an arm
>around Sheila’s waist. “Come on in. I’ll introduce you
>to Taser.”
>
>“New boyfriend, fresh from prison?”
>
>“Smartass.”
>---
>
>Inside, it was much cooler. Valerie and Sheila sat at
>the kitchen table with glasses of tea,
I would cut that sentence here and start a new one. There are too many commas in short order for it to be an easy read.
Taser, having
>thoroughly inspected the newcomer, was flopped on the
>floor nearby.
>
>“It’s good to have you back, love.”
>
>“It’s good to be back. I am so done with all that
>smile to your face, knife in the back shit. If you
>ever see me around people like that again, please
>shoot me. It’ll save a lot of misery in the end.”
>
>Sheila picked up her glass of tea and Valerie followed
>suit. They clinked them together and Sheila said,
>“It’s a deal.” She sat back in her chair and looked
>around, her long legs stretching out in front. Valerie
>had a hard time not feeling like a complete slob
>around Sheila. Vic’s ex-wife was tall and elegant,
>with a cap of short dark hair and deep brown eyes,
>making a designer suit or a pair of jeans and a
>t-shirt look equally attractive. Right now she was
>dressed in a mix, with a sleeveless ribbed mock
>turtleneck making her slender throat look even longer
>and her jeans hugging every curve.
>
>The walls were partially denuded of their paneling,
>but
>Valerie had scrubbed the terrazzo floor in the dining
>room and kitchen and Sheila observed it all with an
>approving nod. “I’m glad to see someone back in this
>house. It was so sad to see it empty after your dad
>moved away.”
That change of subject, from observing Sheila to the surounding is quite abrupt ;)
>
>With a pang, Valerie nodded. “I hated to see him move
>out. But he said he couldn’t handle being here alone,
>even if Nessa and Alan are just through the trees.”
>
>“It worried Vic too, him moving all the way to
>Jacksonville.”
>
>“Vic worries about everybody.”
>
>“Especially you,” Sheila nodded toward her, a wry
>smile on her face.
>
>Valerie tilted her head with growing suspicion. “Did
>he send you out here?”
>
>“No!” Sheila shook her head with vehemence. “But when
>he heard I was coming to visit, he made me promise to
>try and pry you out of the house.”
>
>Valerie snorted and sighed. “There is no end to his
>nefarious schemes, is there?”
>
>“C’mon, love, let’s see what you have in your closet.”
>
>“Don’t get too excited. I’m pretty much on a thrift
>store budget these days.”
>
>“Don’t underestimate my powers of creativity,” Sheila
>declared. “C’mon, move.”
>
>
>More to come....


I really like the sentiment of the scene, even though it is still rough. I'll crit the other one soon to, promised. ;)

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[ Edit | View ]

[> [> [> Re: first>>>> -- Debi, 18:42:38 10/30/09 Fri

>>Afternoon sun fell warm on Valerie’s shoulders.
>ok, here the POV irritates me a bit, it is not
>wrong, but... in the first line I feel like I'm
>standing behind her and watch and than without warning
>I'm in her head. might just be me though. Maybe if you
>change the order a bit, ie: Valerie felt the afternoon
>sun warm on ther Shoulder.
I'll play with it, see what sounds good.

>Did we meet or hear about Vic before? Cos my first
>thought was that I wondered where Sheila came from
>since my first direction of placing her was with Bens
>family.

I've posted bits with Vic in the past. Sheila thus far was only mentioned once, but I just knew she had to become more involved in the story.
>>
>>The walls were partially denuded of their paneling,
>>but
>>Valerie had scrubbed the terrazzo floor in the dining
>>room and kitchen and Sheila observed it all with an
>>approving nod. “I’m glad to see someone back in this
>>house. It was so sad to see it empty after your dad
>>moved away.”
>That change of subject, from observing Sheila to
>the surounding is quite abrupt ;)

Taken care of! ;-)
>>
>I really like the sentiment of the scene, even
>though it is still rough. I'll crit the other one soon
>to, promised. ;)

Thank you for the suggestions. Only tomorrow to work on this one then it's set aside for a month... *sigh*

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[ Edit | View ]

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[ Edit | View ]

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[ Edit | View ]

[> [> [> Thank you -- Debi, 06:46:30 10/20/09 Tue

>I'm glad Sheila got her out of the house, and I do
>understand Valerie's turning hot young Phil down. But
>for some reason, I kind of felt like I was being told
>about it rather than shown it. I don't know what it
>was, and it may just be me. But I thought I'd tell
>you anyway. *G*
>
>Hugs,
>Page

I appreciate the warning ;-) This is how it fell out of my head and onto the keyboard. I'll refine it and work on the showing vs. telling. In my hurry to get the ideas down before they float away, I forget to do it right the first time.
Thanks!!!

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[ Edit | View ]

[> [> second>>> -- Lady Morilka, 14:47:21 10/27/09 Tue

>Excerpt from Old Dogs, copyright Debi Matlac,
>2008-2009; all rights reserved. Posted for sharing and
>critique purposes only; does not constitute
>publication.
>********
>An hour later, as the sun was sinking, Valerie was
>able to escape from Sheila’s ministrations. Her hair
>was a thick mass of dark curls, the hair around her
>face caught with a fancy clip Sheila produced from her
>bag. Valerie was even more suspicious that this whole
>charade had been premeditated; Sheila’s hair was far
>too short to accommodate the ornament. Valerie’s
>closet had been turned upside down as Sheila searched
>for something she felt was appropriate for whatever
>fate she had planned for Valerie.
>
>“I thought you liked me.” Valerie complained, standing
>in front of the mirror. Sheila stood behind her,
>superior height allowing her to look directly over her
>head and survey her work.
I'm not sure here, but I keep stumbling in this sentence. I think maybe the showing ot Sheilas hight is too elaborate. I think you could shorten that sentence quite e bit, cos if she can look over Vals head why emphasice her superior hight? I can tell she's tall from her beeing able to stand behind and survey. Or do you want to tell that Val is feeling small in comparison? Than it is not very clear ;)
>
>“You look lovely.”
>
>“I look like a hooker.”
>
>“You do not.”
>
>Still, Valerie savored her ex-sister in law’s gasp as
>she grabbed a hank of toilet tissue and scrubbed about
>half the makeup off her face. The result was much more
>to her liking; her dark lashes still enhanced her
>eyes, but the raccoon-like shadows over them were
>minimized. Similarly, the blush and lipstick applied
>while she was unable to see herself in the mirror were
>blotted back to what, to her eye, was a healthier
>shade, instead of the appearance of having been
>alternately slapped on both cheeks and punched in the
>mouth.
>
>“All my good work—“
>
>“Made into something I might actually be seen in
>public with.
Love that timely interruption ;)
There NO way I was going out looking like
>you had me. I might as well be leaning against a lamp
>post.”
>
>“Valerie, you exaggerate. It’s a failing with your
>family.”
I like that this teasing is different from the other ones around Val.
>
>“Be nice, if you want me to still go. Otherwise I’ll
>put on a robe and flop on the couch until you go away.”
>
>“Fine.” Sheila’s exquisite face frowned for a moment,
>then the pout faded as she fussed with Valerie’s hair
>again. “I wish I had your hair.”
Could be me with my sisters hair ;)
>
>“You can have it. It can be a real pain in the butt
>sometimes.” Valerie was looking at herself in the
>mirror with a critical eye. Her hair did look good;
>Sheila had done something magical to it so that it
>fell in shiny, almost-black ringlets almost to her
>waist. Left to her own devices, Valerie’s hair care
>routine consisted of washing and conditioning it
It? I think tah is one word too many.
the
>thick mass and then letting it drip-dry while she
>wandered the yard or watched TV.
>
>“We always want what we don’t have,” Sheila sighed,
>fluffing the curls down Valerie’s back again. The
>clothes were another matter. She had let Sheila talk
>her into wearing a navy v-neck t-shirt with long
>belled sleeves and a keyhole back. The neckline was
>lower than Valerie was comfortable displaying in
>public, especially in a bar. Especially in a bar in a
>college town. The second she tugged the shirt a bit
>higher, Sheila was adjusting it to display more
>cleavage.
lol
>
>“Seriously, Sheila, should I just get some hot pants
>and stiletto heels while I’m at it?”
>
>“For the last time, you look beautiful, not one bit
>like a hooker. You’d pass for a call girl, at least.”
lol
>
>Despite herself, Valerie snickered, even as she faked
>a slap at Sheila’s hand. Fortunately, she’d been in
>possession of a nice pair of jeans that met with
>Sheila’s approval. Paired with a fleece shrug to ward
>off the night air, Valerie decided her appearance was
>a good compromise between their differing opinions.
>Turning to face Sheila, she gave her a long stare.
>
>“Alright, now that the fatted calf has been
>slaughtered, where do you propose taking me. I will
>still veto this junket if said destination does not
>meet with my grudging approval.”
>
>“You are a hard-case, love. I was thinking Durty
>Nellie’s”
>
>“Well, I’ll be damned. You picked the one place that I
>might actually not want to slit my own throat in.”
>
>“My God,” Sheila gasped with a sly wink, “you mean
>I’ve done one thing right today? I may faint from the
>shock.”
*g*
>
>“I’m not going there on an empty stomach, though. This
>night will cost you a meal.”
>
>“Done and done.”
>
>
>Full of excellent Italian food from a restaurant close
>to their destination, Valerie couldn’t really complain
>once they arrived. The bar was styled after a pub,
>small and cosy, with a live band playing traditional
>tunes at the end of the room. While fine, the music
>was loud and didn’t leave much room for conversation.
>Valerie ventured a glance around and groaned at the
>sight of the majority of the bar’s clientele that
>evening. Students everywhere. Granted, she had fond
>memories of many hours spent in similar establishments
>when she was in college. Now that she was older
>though, her tolerance for the antics of soon-to-be
>drunken bar patrons was even less then it had been.
>The best she could hope for this evening was to remain
>unnoticed.
>
>Sheila had other ideas. When a couple of young men
>offered to buy them drinks, she invited them to sit
>down. Valerie shot her a poisonous glance; Sheila gave
>her a sweet smile.
>
>“Hi, I’m Phil.” The bearded young man seated to her
>right stuck out his hand. Valerie gave him a firm
>handshake.
>
>“Valerie.” She was forced to raise her voice over the
>music, getting louder just as the song ended. With a
>self-conscious chuckle, she sighed. “It figures. Just
>confirms my usual grace and style.”
>
>Her companion smiled, a wide, genuine expression.
>“Nah, you’re fine. If you can’t laugh at yourself,
>someone else will just do it for you.”
>
>“Can’t argue when you’re right.”
>
>As much as she hated to admit it, Phil’s conversation
>reminded her how nice it was to just talk to someone.
>Sure, she talked to people all the time, but it wasn’t
>the same. They discovered a common love of movies and
>traded quotes and reviews for a long time, all washed
>down with liberal amounts of beer. Her head felt
>somewhat lighter than normal and she stole glances at
>Sheila, who was watching them, the other fellow having
>left the table. To Valerie’s relief, she was nursing a
>diet soda. When Phil excused himself for a few
>minutes, Sheila leaned across the table with a grin.
>
>“So, he’s nice?”
>
>Valerie gave her a grudging nod. “Yes, he’s nice.”
>
>“So?”
>
>“So, we both like movies and he’s about fifteen years
>younger than me.”
>
>“Age is just a number.”
>
>“When did you turn into such a cougar?”
>
>“I am not! I just want to make sure you’re enjoying
>yourself.”
>
>Feeling more than a little tipsy, Valerie nodded.
>“Damn you, I am enjoying myself. But just remember
>that I turn into a pumpkin pretty soon.”
>
>“I promise I’ll have you home soon. Unless you get a
>better offer. He is cute.”
>
>“If you think he’s so cute, you hook up with him.”
>
>“He likes you.”
>
>Valerie dismissed her with a flip of her hand and a
>‘pfftt’.
>
>Sheila’s opinion was proven when Phil came back. The
>conversation resumed, but after a few minutes, he
>leaned close so she could hear. The band was in full
>force again.
>
>“You want to get out of here?”
>
>The impulse rose in her to say yes and mean what he
>was referring to. But it would have been a lie. He was
>sweet and Sheila was right, he was cute too. If she
>was twenty again, she’d have been thrilled to meet
>someone like him. But now his youth glared at her like
>a huge neon sign. She smiled with a sigh and he nodded.
>
>“Not really huh?”
>
>“You know I’m old enough to be your… older sister.
>Maybe your aunt.”
>
>He shrugged with a smile. “My hot younger aunt.”
Love that remark!
>
>Valerie felt her face get hot and she laughed. “Thank
>you for that. It’s bullshit, but thanks.”
>
>He leaned forward and gave her a hug and a peck on the
>cheek. “No bullshit.” With that he got to his feet and
>headed for the exit. Valerie watched him go and turned
>back to Sheila.
>
>“You didn’t pay him did you?”
>
>Sheila laughed. “You are so paranoid. No I didn’t pay
>him, nor did anyone else. Why can’t you accept that
>you’re an attractive wonderful woman that can attract
>men?”
the dublication of "attract" here is not perfect, I would just cut the first.
>
>Valerie shrugged. “Because I haven’t felt that way in
>years.”
>
>“Well, get over it, because you are.”
>
>Valerie could only shake her head.
>
>Sheila smiled, reaching over to squeeze her hand.
>“Come on, I’ll take you home.”


I like the sentiment of the scene. It is a nice evening out, but with a few underlying tensions and currents that keeps it interesting. I'd like so see more of Sheila.

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[ Edit | View ]

[> [> [> Re: second>>> -- Debi, 18:51:57 10/30/09 Fri

>>“I thought you liked me.” Valerie complained, standing
>>in front of the mirror. Sheila stood behind her,
>>superior height allowing her to look directly over her
>>head and survey her work.
>I'm not sure here, but I keep stumbling in this
>sentence. I think maybe the showing ot Sheilas hight
>is too elaborate. I think you could shorten that
>sentence quite e bit, cos if she can look over Vals
>head why emphasice her superior hight? I can tell
>she's tall from her beeing able to stand behind and
>survey. Or do you want to tell that Val is feeling
>small in comparison? Than it is not very clear ;)

ANother good point. I'll see what I can do with it.
>>
>>“All my good work—“
>>
>>“Made into something I might actually be seen in
>>public with.
>Love that timely interruption ;)

Thanks! I feel much the same way. Before my own wedding I scrubbed off most of the makeup I had paid someone to apply. If there ever is a next time, I'm doing my own!

>There NO way I was going out looking like
>>you had me. I might as well be leaning against a lamp
>>post.”
>>
>>“Valerie, you exaggerate. It’s a failing with your
>>family.”
>I like that this teasing is different from the
>other ones around Val.

Thanks. I'm not sure what I did to make her different, but I'm glad Sheila is coming across a little more solid.
>>
Valerie’s hair care
>>routine consisted of washing and conditioning it
>It? I think tah is one word too many.

Good catch.

>the
>>thick mass and then letting it drip-dry while she
>>wandered the yard or watched TV.
>>He shrugged with a smile. “My hot younger aunt.”
>Love that remark!

Phil is modeled after one of my co-workers. He's a a sweet boy and is a flirt, but very good-natured about it; he doesn't really mean anything by it, he's just a very social guy. We have loads of fun when we work together. We tell him constantly his wife is a saint to put up with him.;-)
>>
>the dublication of "attract" here is not perfect, I
>would just cut the first.

Another good catch!
>>
>
>I like the sentiment of the scene. It is a nice
>evening out, but with a few underlying tensions and
>currents that keeps it interesting. I'd like so see
>more of Sheila.

Thanks you very much. I think Sheila will be putting in an appearance at the Thanksgiving celebration and teasing Valeris a lot more.

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[ Edit | View ]