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Date Posted: 06:30:52 11/09/09 Mon
Author: Lady Morilka
Subject: I copied the beginning fom the previos post so I only have to do one crit. Inside please>>>
In reply to: Debi 's message, "Re: Can't remember if I've posted this bit or not..." on 22:37:10 10/28/09 Wed

>The sun flirted with the clouds the rest of the
>afternoon but finally lost the game, the sky getting
>darker
Untill here I thought it was just a description of a not so cloudles sunset. Maybe it is clear in the complet context, but as an exerpt I stumbled here.
and more threatening. They got back into the
>car and began heading back the forty-five miles to
>Hilton Head. Valerie wasn’t too worried; she knew
>Daniel wouldn’t endanger her to get them home. But he
>became more distressed the darker the sky became. A
>few fat drops of rain splattered the windshield as
>they parked. He opened the laptop and checked the
>weather. A sigh gusted out of him as he closed the
>computer.
I think I maybe would leave out the "checked the waether" here as it is dublicated in the following sentence. Maybe a bit more of his worries here instead, raised browes, or a darkening face, or some description like that. Just an Idea.
>
>“Valerie, I’m so sorry. I checked the weather before
>we left this morning and this wasn’t supposed to
>happen.”
>
>Rolling the window down, she glanced over at him. His
>brow was furrowed, the slight cleft in his chin more
>prominent now with tension. Cool rain-scented wind
>came through the window in gusts, the odd drop of
>precipitation hitting her face. Maybe a bit of levity
>was in order.
>
>“Is this the aviation equivalent of ‘Whoops, we’re out
>of gas.’?”
Took me a moment to get this right, but I really like it!
>
>A small snort escaped him before he could stop it. “I
>honestly didn’t mean to strand us here.” He sighed,
>reaching for the ignition to start the car again. “I
>guess we’d better get started.”
Get startet where? Or how? Soon, maybe. I simply don't get what he wants to do here.
>
>Valerie shook her head. “Won’t the weather clear up?”
>
>He gave her a curious look. “It will. The report said
>clearing overnight. If this one isn’t lying.”
>
>“Then why can’t we fly back in the morning? I don’t
>have anywhere I have to be tomorrow.”
>
>His look turned speculative and his brows shot
>skyward. “Are you trying to seduce me?”
>
>It was her turn to snort. In all honesty, it wouldn’t
>be the first time she’d thought about ripping off his
>clothes and having her way with him. However, acting
>on that impulse was not part of the master plan.
Lol, she has a master plan? Love that as live never tends to follow those. *bg*
“Not
>at all. Just trying to make suggestions that will get
>us and your plane back home.” Still, the idea of being
>alone with him in a hotel room held some appeal. Quite
>a lot actually. Especially with the wind whipping his
>hair over his forehead, flattening his shirt against
>his chest. Valerie reined her disobedient thoughts in
>with an iron grip. That way lies madness… and
>returned to the business at hand. Of course, they
>could get separate rooms. However, their ranges of
>affordability were probably nowhere close to each
>other.
>
>“So we need to find someplace to stay then.”
>
>With a nod, Daniel turned the ignition and started the
>car.
Was his hand howering over the ignition the whole time? because he reached for ot a few paragraphes before. Maybe a half sentence like "He let his hand drop and..." insertet somewhere before would make that clear. Here I was wondering .oO(didn't he do that before the discussion?)
The lights of a couple of hotels could be seen
>nearby in the gathering gloom. After he had reversed
>and turned the car back toward the road, he looked at
>her and smiled. “So, would you like a room where we
>can watch the storm coming in? It’s heading in right
>off the Atlantic.”
>
>She shrugged with a smile. “Someplace I can sleep
>works for me. Actually, someplace cheap that I can
>afford—“
I would leave out the "cheap" als I think Valerie is quite a proud person, and Daniel should know enough of her by now to place a simple "afford".
>
>“I’m providing the accommodations, no argument. And
>I’d prefer not to contract Bubonic Plague or beri beri
>from the loo or the sheets.”
>
>“Okay, someplace without fleas and with a supply of
>vitamins.”
>
>“What the devil do vitamins have to do with anything?”
Love that confusion I imagine on his face here!
>
>“Beri beri… thiamine deficiency… never mind. You’re
>the man with a plan.” The wind lifted a strand of hair
>and draped it across her nose. Pushing it away, she
>looked out at the turbulent sky. “I do like the beach
>at night.”
>
>They found a hotel on the beach that had a nice view
>of the ocean and surrounding marshes. The glass doors,
>etched with sea oats and dunes, opened onto a generous
>lobby with sand-colored tiles on the floor and
>furniture that Valerie always thought of as ‘Modern
>Beach Hotel’ style. A heavyset woman with a name badge
>that read ‘Melba’ stood behind the reception counter
>and she broke into a wide smile as they approached.
>
>“Welcome to the Paramount Palms. How may I help you?”
Oh dear one of those service robots :D
>Her voice was broad with the low-country dialect and
>Valerie smiled, her own local dialect bubbling to the
>surface.
>
>“We’d like a room for the night.”
>
>Daniel slipped around her, foiling her plan of trying
>to pay for at least part of the room or rooms,
>depending on how it worked out.
>
>“Well, y’all are just in time, we have just one room
>left.” The receptionist’s smile faltered when she saw
>the ring on Daniel’s left hand and the lack of one on
>Valerie’s. Her eyes darted from one to the other, a
>faint air of disapproval surrounding her.
>
>“It wouldn’t happen to be a double, would it?” Daniel
>met the woman’s gaze with a steady one of his own,
>Valerie biting her lips to suppress the quiet snort of
>amusement.
>
>“I’m so sorry, it’s a king bed.” Melba glanced away
>from the computer screen to them and back again,
>perhaps anticipating an attack of conscience on their
>part for so obviously planning a night of wanton
>fornication in her fair establishment and deciding
>against booking the final room for the night.
Ok, this might just be me with english not being my mother language, but that sentence is far to intricated for me to stay in the flow. The whole paragraph is mostly one sentence! Plus I don't get the "planning" here, as they (outwardly) made every sugestion (asking for double) to appear harmless.
>
>“I suppose we’ll just have to make do then, won’t we?”
>He slid his bank card across the counter.
>
>The woman’s brows drew together and she looked back
>and forth between them even as she accepted the card
>and charged for the room. “Mmm hmm.”
>
>Valerie met the speculative look without flinching,
>even though she felt a strong urge to collapse into
>helpless giggling. The old bat’s mind must have been
>doing backflips. For that matter, Valerie’s was too.
lol
>Sharing a room had just become rock-solid reality and
>her belly swung in unexpected anticipation. Get a
>grip on yourself, for cryin’ out loud. Don’t be such a
>twit.
>
>Daniel signed the credit receipt and accepted the key,
>his face betraying no discomfiture whatsoever in the
>face of the receptionist’s thinly veiled disapproval
>and Valerie’s quiet hyperventilation. He half turned
>away from the desk, then turned back, his head cocked
>in query.
>
>“Is there a store nearby where we can buy a few
>necessities? I’m afraid we’re stranded without any
>overnight things.”
Great! That casulness towards Melba cracked me up.
>
>Gathering her composure with a visible effort, Melba
>pointed to the road in front of the hotel. “If you go
>along that road and take your second right, it’ll take
>you right to Wal-Mart.”
I like the scene with the focus on Melba, but I keep waiting for the moment Valerie is able to release that amusement.
>
>Once inside the store, Valerie tried to slip away so
>she could go through the cashier’s line without
>Daniel, fully intending to pay for her own things. But? He
>refused to let her lose him in the store. Her most
>valiant attempts to distract him or vanish went
>ignored and she gave up, convinced he was part
>bloodhound.
>
>“I can buy my own toothpaste and pajamas.” pAjamas? My dictionary agrees, but it does look strange for me.
>
>“I know you are capable, but you don’t have to. Our
>having to stay is my fault so I’m taking
>responsibility for it.”
>
>“It’s not your fault a storm is coming.”
>
>“But I should have been more vigilant about the
>changing weather.” He gave her a long look as they
>stood in line, waiting their turn to pay. “You’re not
>the only stubborn person here.” He reached for the
>small bundle of stuff in her arms and she turned away
>from him with a grin, clutching her packages tighter.
>
>“No, I’m not, but you still have to get them from me.”
>
>Daniel cocked his head at her and raised his brows.
>“Oh, that’s not a problem. I like a challenge.” He
>laid his items on the checkout belt and smiled before
>stepping behind her and wrapping his arms around her,
>one hand on each of her wrists. Without apparent
>effort, he maneuvered her to the belt, then pulled her
>arms apart, dumping her things with his. His warm
>proximity took her by surprise and she slammed her
>mental door shut on any wayward thoughts and
>temptations, very aware of how public they were.
>Unable to do anything about his arms and hands, and
>not really wanting to, Valerie still wanted to express
>her displeasure at his overt assumption of control.
>She stepped back onto his toes with both her heels and
>all her weight. She didn’t expect much of a reaction;
>he was much taller and heavier than she was. Not much
>of a threat against a man who could navigate a
>primordial swamp with nothing more than a big stick
>and an incompetent companion,
Lol
but her action elicited
>a soft grunt of surprise from him. His voice whispered
>in her ear before he let her hands go.
>
>“Nice try.”
>
>Turning back to smile up at him, she murmured, “I’m
>not done yet,” and stepped away.
Not sure if I would smile here where I in her position.
>
>Their merchandise was being totaled and he already had
>his card out. With a sigh, Valerie conceded the round
>to him.

Nice intermezzo! And I can so relate to Val here, I hate if I am not allowed to decide myself. I had an ex who didn't even let me buy my own sandwich, drove me nuts!!! (actually one of the reasons it didn't work out ;) And than with Vals background of her former husband and family deciding so much for her... Very dangerous grounds Daniel stepped on here!
But I love the peaks we get in her head, so neat to get tha view too ;)

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Replies:

[> [> [> Ok, next try without all that bold writing blending out my remarks. .oO(I should prewiew)>>> -- Lady Morilka, 06:36:57 11/09/09 Mon

>>The sun flirted with the clouds the rest of the
>>afternoon but finally lost the game, the sky getting
>>darker
>Untill here I thought it was just a description of
>a not so cloudles sunset. Maybe it is clear in the
>complet context, but as an exerpt I stumbled here.
>and more threatening. They got back into the
>>car and began heading back the forty-five miles to
>>Hilton Head. Valerie wasn’t too worried; she knew
>>Daniel wouldn’t endanger her to get them home. But he
>>became more distressed the darker the sky became. A
>>few fat drops of rain splattered the windshield as
>>they parked. He opened the laptop and checked the
>>weather. A sigh gusted out of him as he closed the
>>computer.
>I think I maybe would leave out the "checked the
>waether" here as it is dublicated in the following
>sentence. Maybe a bit more of his worries here
>instead, raised browes, or a darkening face, or some
>description like that. Just an Idea.
>>
>>“Valerie, I’m so sorry. I checked the weather before
>>we left this morning and this wasn’t supposed to
>>happen.”
>>
>>Rolling the window down, she glanced over at him. His
>>brow was furrowed, the slight cleft in his chin more
>>prominent now with tension. Cool rain-scented wind
>>came through the window in gusts, the odd drop of
>>precipitation hitting her face. Maybe a bit of levity
>>was in order.
>>
>>“Is this the aviation equivalent of ‘Whoops, we’re out
>>of gas.’?”
>Took me a moment to get this right, but I really
>like it!
>>
>>A small snort escaped him before he could stop it. “I
>>honestly didn’t mean to strand us here.” He sighed,
>>reaching for the ignition to start the car again. “I
>>guess we’d better get started.”
>Get startet where? Or how? Soon, maybe. I simply
>don't get what he wants to do here.
>>
>>Valerie shook her head. “Won’t the weather clear up?”
>>
>>He gave her a curious look. “It will. The report said
>>clearing overnight. If this one isn’t lying.”
>>
>>“Then why can’t we fly back in the morning? I don’t
>>have anywhere I have to be tomorrow.”
>>
>>His look turned speculative and his brows shot
>>skyward. “Are you trying to seduce me?”
>>
>>It was her turn to snort. In all honesty, it wouldn’t
>>be the first time she’d thought about ripping off his
>>clothes and having her way with him. However, acting
>>on that impulse was not part of the master plan.
>Lol, she has a master plan? Love that as live never
>tends to follow those. *bg*
>“Not
>>at all. Just trying to make suggestions that will get
>>us and your plane back home.” Still, the idea of being
>>alone with him in a hotel room held some appeal. Quite
>>a lot actually. Especially with the wind whipping his
>>hair over his forehead, flattening his shirt against
>>his chest. Valerie reined her disobedient thoughts in
>>with an iron grip. That way lies madness… and
>>returned to the business at hand. Of course, they
>>could get separate rooms. However, their ranges of
>>affordability were probably nowhere close to each
>>other.
>>
>>“So we need to find someplace to stay then.”
>>
>>With a nod, Daniel turned the ignition and started the
>>car.
> Was his hand howering over the ignition the whole
>time? because he reached for ot a few paragraphes
>before. Maybe a half sentence like "He let his hand
>drop and..." insertet somewhere before would make that
>clear. Here I was wondering .oO(didn't he do that
>before the discussion?)
>The lights of a couple of hotels could be seen
>>nearby in the gathering gloom. After he had reversed
>>and turned the car back toward the road, he looked at
>>her and smiled. “So, would you like a room where we
>>can watch the storm coming in? It’s heading in right
>>off the Atlantic.”
>>
>>She shrugged with a smile. “Someplace I can sleep
>>works for me. Actually, someplace cheap that I can
>>afford—“
>I would leave out the "cheap" als I think Valerie
>is quite a proud person, and Daniel should know enough
>of her by now to place a simple "afford".
>>
>>“I’m providing the accommodations, no argument. And
>>I’d prefer not to contract Bubonic Plague or beri beri
>>from the loo or the sheets.”
>>
>>“Okay, someplace without fleas and with a supply of
>>vitamins.”
>>
>>“What the devil do vitamins have to do with anything?”
>Love that confusion I imagine on his face here!
>>
>>“Beri beri… thiamine deficiency… never mind. You’re
>>the man with a plan.” The wind lifted a strand of hair
>>and draped it across her nose. Pushing it away, she
>>looked out at the turbulent sky. “I do like the beach
>>at night.”
>>
>>They found a hotel on the beach that had a nice view
>>of the ocean and surrounding marshes. The glass doors,
>>etched with sea oats and dunes, opened onto a generous
>>lobby with sand-colored tiles on the floor and
>>furniture that Valerie always thought of as ‘Modern
>>Beach Hotel’ style. A heavyset woman with a name badge
>>that read ‘Melba’ stood behind the reception counter
>>and she broke into a wide smile as they approached.
>>
>>“Welcome to the Paramount Palms. How may I help you?”
>Oh dear one of those service robots :D
>>Her voice was broad with the low-country dialect and
>>Valerie smiled, her own local dialect bubbling to the
>>surface.
>>
>>“We’d like a room for the night.”
>>
>>Daniel slipped around her, foiling her plan of trying
>>to pay for at least part of the room or rooms,
>>depending on how it worked out.
>>
>>“Well, y’all are just in time, we have just one room
>>left.” The receptionist’s smile faltered when she saw
>>the ring on Daniel’s left hand and the lack of one on
>>Valerie’s. Her eyes darted from one to the other, a
>>faint air of disapproval surrounding her.
>>
>>“It wouldn’t happen to be a double, would it?” Daniel
>>met the woman’s gaze with a steady one of his own,
>>Valerie biting her lips to suppress the quiet snort of
>>amusement.
>>
>>“I’m so sorry, it’s a king bed.” Melba glanced away
>>from the computer screen to them and back again,
>>perhaps anticipating an attack of conscience on their
>>part for so obviously planning a night of wanton
>>fornication in her fair establishment and deciding
>>against booking the final room for the night.
>Ok, this might just be me with english not being my
>mother language, but that sentence is far to
>intricated for me to stay in the flow. The whole
>paragraph is mostly one sentence! Plus I don't get the
>"planning" here, as they (outwardly) made every
>sugestion (asking for double) to appear harmless.
>>
>>“I suppose we’ll just have to make do then, won’t we?”
>>He slid his bank card across the counter.
>>
>>The woman’s brows drew together and she looked back
>>and forth between them even as she accepted the card
>>and charged for the room. “Mmm hmm.”
>>
>>Valerie met the speculative look without flinching,
>>even though she felt a strong urge to collapse into
>>helpless giggling. The old bat’s mind must have been
>>doing backflips. For that matter, Valerie’s was too.
>lol
>>Sharing a room had just become rock-solid reality and
>>her belly swung in unexpected anticipation. Get a
>>grip on yourself, for cryin’ out loud. Don’t be such a
>>twit.
>>
>>Daniel signed the credit receipt and accepted the key,
>>his face betraying no discomfiture whatsoever in the
>>face of the receptionist’s thinly veiled disapproval
>>and Valerie’s quiet hyperventilation. He half turned
>>away from the desk, then turned back, his head cocked
>>in query.
>>
>>“Is there a store nearby where we can buy a few
>>necessities? I’m afraid we’re stranded without any
>>overnight things.”
>Great! That casulness towards Melba cracked me
>up.
>>
>>Gathering her composure with a visible effort, Melba
>>pointed to the road in front of the hotel. “If you go
>>along that road and take your second right, it’ll take
>>you right to Wal-Mart.”
>I like the scene with the focus on Melba, but I
>keep waiting for the moment Valerie is able to release
>that amusement.
>>
>>Once inside the store, Valerie tried to slip away so
>>she could go through the cashier’s line without
>>Daniel, fully intending to pay for her own things.
>But? He
>>refused to let her lose him in the store. Her most
>>valiant attempts to distract him or vanish went
>>ignored and she gave up, convinced he was part
>>bloodhound.
>>
>>“I can buy my own toothpaste and pajamas.”
>pAjamas? My dictionary agrees, but it does look
>strange for me.
>>
>>“I know you are capable, but you don’t have to. Our
>>having to stay is my fault so I’m taking
>>responsibility for it.”
>>
>>“It’s not your fault a storm is coming.”
>>
>>“But I should have been more vigilant about the
>>changing weather.” He gave her a long look as they
>>stood in line, waiting their turn to pay. “You’re not
>>the only stubborn person here.” He reached for the
>>small bundle of stuff in her arms and she turned away
>>from him with a grin, clutching her packages tighter.
>>
>>“No, I’m not, but you still have to get them from me.”
>>
>>Daniel cocked his head at her and raised his brows.
>>“Oh, that’s not a problem. I like a challenge.” He
>>laid his items on the checkout belt and smiled before
>>stepping behind her and wrapping his arms around her,
>>one hand on each of her wrists. Without apparent
>>effort, he maneuvered her to the belt, then pulled her
>>arms apart, dumping her things with his. His warm
>>proximity took her by surprise and she slammed her
>>mental door shut on any wayward thoughts and
>>temptations, very aware of how public they were.
>>Unable to do anything about his arms and hands, and
>>not really wanting to, Valerie still wanted to express
>>her displeasure at his overt assumption of control.
>>She stepped back onto his toes with both her heels and
>>all her weight. She didn’t expect much of a reaction;
>>he was much taller and heavier than she was. Not much
>>of a threat against a man who could navigate a
>>primordial swamp with nothing more than a big stick
>>and an incompetent companion,
>Lol
>but her action elicited
>>a soft grunt of surprise from him. His voice whispered
>>in her ear before he let her hands go.
>>
>>“Nice try.”
>>
>>Turning back to smile up at him, she murmured, “I’m
>>not done yet,” and stepped away.
>Not sure if I would smile here where I in her
>position.
>>
>>Their merchandise was being totaled and he already had
>>his card out. With a sigh, Valerie conceded the round
>>to him.
>
>Nice intermezzo! And I can so relate to Val here, I
>hate if I am not allowed to decide myself. I had an ex
>who didn't even let me buy my own sandwich, drove me
>nuts!!! (actually one of the reasons it didn't work
>out ;) And than with Vals background of her former
>husband and family deciding so much for her... Very
>dangerous grounds Daniel stepped on here!
>But I love the peaks we get in her head, so neat to
>get tha view too ;)

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[> [> [> [> Lots of good points to ponder. -- Debi, 21:33:13 11/10/09 Tue

>>>The sun flirted with the clouds the rest of the
>>>afternoon but finally lost the game, the sky getting
>>>darker
>>Untill here I thought it was just a description of
>>a not so cloudles sunset. Maybe it is clear in the
>>complet context, but as an exerpt I stumbled here.

I'll look into it and make sure it's clear.

>>and more threatening. They got back into the
>>>car and began heading back the forty-five miles to
>>>Hilton Head. Valerie wasn’t too worried; she knew
>>>Daniel wouldn’t endanger her to get them home. But he
>>>became more distressed the darker the sky became. A
>>>few fat drops of rain splattered the windshield as
>>>they parked. He opened the laptop and checked the
>>>weather. A sigh gusted out of him as he closed the
>>>computer.
>>I think I maybe would leave out the "checked the
>>waether" here as it is dublicated in the following
>>sentence. Maybe a bit more of his worries here
>>instead, raised browes, or a darkening face, or some
>>description like that. Just an Idea.

Good catch, another detail to fix.
>>>
>>>“Valerie, I’m so sorry. I checked the weather before
>>>we left this morning and this wasn’t supposed to
>>>happen.”
>>>
>>>A small snort escaped him before he could stop it. “I
>>>honestly didn’t mean to strand us here.” He sighed,
>>>reaching for the ignition to start the car again. “I
>>>guess we’d better get started.”
>>Get startet where? Or how? Soon, maybe. I simply
>>don't get what he wants to do here.

I need to make it more clear that he was prepared to drive her home that night. Thanks.

>>>
>>>Valerie shook her head. “Won’t the weather clear up?”
>>>
>>>She shrugged with a smile. “Someplace I can sleep
>>>works for me. Actually, someplace cheap that I can
>>>afford—“
>>I would leave out the "cheap" als I think Valerie
>>is quite a proud person, and Daniel should know enough
>>of her by now to place a simple "afford".

Good point!
>>>
>>>“Welcome to the Paramount Palms. How may I help you?”
>>Oh dear one of those service robots :D

Worse, an old-fashioned self-righteous service robot that wants to impose her ideas on morals on everyone she sees. Yes, there are still people like this in the Southern US.


>>>“I’m so sorry, it’s a king bed.” Melba glanced away
>>>from the computer screen to them and back again,
>>>perhaps anticipating an attack of conscience on their
>>>part for so obviously planning a night of wanton
>>>fornication in her fair establishment and deciding
>>>against booking the final room for the night.
>>Ok, this might just be me with english not being my
>>mother language, but that sentence is far to
>>intricated for me to stay in the flow. The whole
>>paragraph is mostly one sentence! Plus I don't get the
>>"planning" here, as they (outwardly) made every
>>sugestion (asking for double) to appear harmless.

Ooh, you're right; that is one looonngg sentance. Will fix that. But Melba would still assume that he's a married man fooling around, no matter what sort of excuse/story/justification they had, even a signed note from their mothers' wouldn't help such a narrowminded biddy.


>>I like the scene with the focus on Melba, but I
>>keep waiting for the moment Valerie is able to release
>>that amusement.

I can do that!
>>>
>>>“I can buy my own toothpaste and pajamas.”
>>pAjamas? My dictionary agrees, but it does look
>>strange for me.

The spelling? US normal. In the UK I think it's 'pyjamas'.
>>>
>>>Turning back to smile up at him, she murmured, “I’m
>>>not done yet,” and stepped away.
>>Not sure if I would smile here where I in her
>>position.
>>>
It was meant as a sarcastic smile. I'll fix that too.

>>Nice intermezzo! And I can so relate to Val here, I
>>hate if I am not allowed to decide myself. I had an ex
>>who didn't even let me buy my own sandwich, drove me
>>nuts!!! (actually one of the reasons it didn't work
>>out ;) And than with Vals background of her former
>>husband and family deciding so much for her... Very
>>dangerous grounds Daniel stepped on here!
>>But I love the peaks we get in her head, so neat to
>>get tha view too ;)

Thank you! Daniel has a few things to learn about her, certainly. He'll figure it out eventually, he's a smart man.

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