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Last edited by author: Mon October 05, 2009 23:50:10   Edited 1 time.

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[> [> [> Dea, I love your romantic soul! Adam and Katie did have a romantic relationship, and I didn't want that to get completely lost, even with all the angst. I, too, am glad they both matured enough to get past all that, and rekindle their friendship. Glad you liked it! :) -- Page, 21:00:29 10/07/09 Wed

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[> [> Awww!>>>> -- susiej, 14:33:10 10/07/09 Wed

OK- that really makes me like Adam way too much.

Really good feel for the place- the heat, the sun etc. But I have to agree with you that's its a little rough in places and that made me loose focus.

Ex. "on the polished strips of wood of the living room floor"- that was a mouthful and I stumbled on the second of. I think- "polished wood of the living room floor" would flow better and still get the idea across. As I said, I could really see that part.


Again, when she and Adam started talking, I wanted to hear the heck what they were saying!So, some of the details got distracting.

Great scene! It will be very shiny when polished.

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[> [> [> Is liking Adam a good thing, or a bad thing? *G* >>>> -- Page, 21:23:22 10/07/09 Wed

>OK- that really makes me like Adam way too much.

LOL! Even though Adam's the bad guy in this, trying to ruin Scarlett and Rhett's happiness, he's still a good guy at heart. I wanted the reader to remember that he was a victim, too, and not the evil ex. *G* I hope I've succeeded.
>
>Really good feel for the place- the heat, the sun etc.
>But I have to agree with you that's its a little rough
>in places and that made me loose focus.
>
>Ex. "on the polished strips of wood of the living room
>floor"- that was a mouthful and I stumbled on the
>second of. I think- "polished wood of the living room
>floor" would flow better and still get the idea
>across. As I said, I could really see that part.
>
>
>Again, when she and Adam started talking, I wanted to
>hear the heck what they were saying!So, some of the
>details got distracting.

You should've seen it the night I wrote it. *G* It was one of those that I wanted to write while I could hear them, but it was all dialogue. I went back and added the details the next morning on very little sleep. Can you give me an idea of where I went overboard? I'd really like your insight on that.
>
>Great scene! It will be very shiny when polished.

Thank you very much!

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[> [> [> [> You know, I'm probably the worst to give advice on that because I like pure dialogue>>>> -- susiej, 21:53:24 10/07/09 Wed

I have a hard time with that in my own work because I can see them talking so I forget that others don't see what's in my head. And I just like conversation. But I've been critted for leaving out too much.

But I find when I read now, I get distracted more and more by the tags. I almost started with a pencil so I could scratch out the "he said" and "she reached for her glass" or whatever. I guess I've become an impatient reader.

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[> [> [> [> [> but I look again, tomorrow. -- susiej, 21:59:19 10/07/09 Wed

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[> [> OK- here's my suggestions. -- susiej, 10:56:47 10/08/09 Thu

>It's rough, and I'm not too chuffed with the ending,
>but here it is:
>
>Excerpt from Carey On
>©2009 by Juli Morgan
>Posted for purposes of critique, and does not
>constitute publication
>
>Sunlight shone through the open door to the sunporch,
>and lay in a blinding block on the polished strips of
>wood of the living room floor. Katie stepped into the
>light, and felt the warmth caress the tops of her
>feet. She slipped on her sunglasses, entered the
>glass walled room, and shivered as the subtropical
>heat trapped there chased away the air conditioned
>chill from her skin. After a moment to let her body
>adjust to the new temperature, she made her way across
>the room, and opened the door that gave on the patio.
>Her body stiff with tension, she stood with her eyes
>downcast before stepping outside. With a deep,
>fortifying breath, she looked up, then sighed with
>relief. The tulips were gone.
>
>The heat radiating from the patio went through the
>soles of her rubber flip flops as if she were
>barefoot, and she scampered across the hot stones to
>reach the cool sanctuary of the lawn. Stepping into
>the shade of a large oak tree, she let her breath out
>in pleasure. It was easily twenty degrees cooler than
>in the sun. Kicking off her now uncomfortable
>footwear, she lowered herself to the grass, and
>ignored the itch of the blades against her bare legs
>as she looked toward the house. The white roses that
>surrounded the patio rioted in the sunshine,
>reflecting the light so brightly that it hurt her eyes
>even shaded by her sunglasses. She closed her eyes,
>and watched the after-reflection swimming in her
>vision, neon blue rosebushes that faded to a more
>bearable lilac, and then to a ghostly green.

roses surrounding the patio,
so brightly it hurt- that's 2 thats out, also
cut swimming in her vision
>
>At least the row of pink tulips Jay had planted for
>her had died off, and even their spiky leaves had been
>cut away by the gardener, making it seem like they’d
>never been there. Of course, the bulbs were still in
>the ground, storing up energy until they would bloom
>again in the spring. But Katie could bear the thought
>of them sleeping in the earth, as long as she didn’t
>have to see them.
>
>Two days after her disastrous return home from the
>States, she’d gone out onto the patio, thinking a
>little fresh air might help clear her mind. Anything
>had to be better than the memories that assaulted her
>around every corner in the house; or so she’d thought,
>until the sight of those damned tulips standing tall
>and proud had almost brought her to her knees. She
>had run back into the house, and hadn’t ventured out
>to the back garden again, even after she knew the
>tulip’s growing season had ended.

too many "back"s in that last set. Also, needs a "She'd"
>
>That was one more thing Jay had taken from her, the
>delight she got from her favorite flowers. She lay
>back on the grass, and sighed. Now she couldn’t even
>go into her own garden until the tulips were as dead
>as…
>
>She gasped in dismay,

cut "in dismay" its given and its too damsel in distressy for Katie. She's suffering but she's still tough.

and immediately began
>apologizing to whatever forces might hear her. “No.
>No, no, no. I didn’t mean that, I didn’t mean it that
>way. Please, no.” She hated it when that evil
>thought crept unbidden

cut unbidden and tighten this great passage in order to strengthen it. "It was ludicrous. Just a manifestation of the fear and abandoment she felt. Jay was out there-somewhere. She knew it because her heart was still beating.



to even think
>it, and she knew on some level that it was just a
>manifestation of the fear and abandonment she felt.
>Jay was still out there – somewhere – and she knew it,
>because her heart was still beating. She knew, with a
>certainty that went bone deep, that if he ceased to
>exist, so would she. Since she was still alive and
>kicking, albeit in a feeble fashion, then so was he.
>
>The gentle rattle of glass that heralded the door to
>the sunporch closing made her sit up with alacrity.
>She cursed the way her heart beat with anticipation,
>and the jolt of adrenaline that made her nerve endings
>sing. It wouldn’t be him, it was never him, but she
>couldn’t stop the hope that leapt up every time she
>had a visitor.
>
>As always, her hopes were dashed when she saw that it
>wasn’t Jay striding across the patio towards her. But
>her heart continued to pound, this time in surprise,
>as she recognized the long, lean figure of Adam
>Greene, sunlight glinting off his hair. Behind her
>sunglasses, her eyebrows arched in astonishment, and
>she wondered what had brought him here. Since that
>horrible day [?] years ago when he and Jay had almost
>come to blows, he had taken care never to be alone
>with her, and she had been just as cautious, keeping
>their contact to a minimum.
>
>She’d had a lot of time to reflect on the things
>they’d said that day, and the things that had led up
>to it, and she thought she had finally stumbled onto
>the answer to why everything had gotten so volatile.
>Adam hadn’t been jealous because Jay had her, it was
>because she had Jay. Oh, she had been skeptical when
>the thought first entered her head, and had sought to
>dismiss it as one of her more absurd ideas. But it
>refused to be dislodged, and the more she thought
>about it, the more certain she was. Adam had loved
>Jay like a brother, had almost worshipped him. Jay
>had been Adam’s hero, the kind of man he aspired to
>be, but after Katie entered the scene, that dynamic
>had changed. The way Jay had loved her – did
>love her, she corrected herself fiercely – had left
>precious little room for Adam in his life, other than
>their connection in Shadowed Knight, and, unable to
>articulate how this loss had affected him, Adam had
>transferred his jealousy from Katie to Jay. The loss
>of that closeness had taken its toll on Jay, too, and
>Katie was convinced it had led to the break up of the
>band, and to Jay’s downward spiral from there. It
>frustrated her, this knowledge, because it wasn’t
>something she could have ever suggested to either Jay
>or Adam. Both of them would have denied it with
>shocked outrage, and it would probably have escalated
>the tension between them. How stupid it was they
>couldn’t admit their love for each other!
>
>All of this flashed through her mind in a split second
>as she watched Adam approach. Remembering the brief
>mention of Adam’s latest divorce in the previous
>month’s issue of Melody Maker, she hoped he
>wasn’t there to try and rekindle anything romantic
>with her. Talk about bad timing. If he did, she’d go
>ahead and tell him her theory of why he’d fought with
>Jay that day, and be damned to his reaction. He
>didn’t love her, and she didn’t intend to let him
>entertain that notion if still lurked in his head.
>
>For a man who’d just gone through the break-up of his
>second marriage, Adam looked good. The beard and
>mustache he’d grown suited him, gave him an air of
>piratical swagger, and she grinned. Seeing it, he
>grinned back, his posture seeming to sag a bit in
>relief, and waved.
>“Mind if I join you?”
>
>“Be my guest.” She waved a hand toward the grass next
>to her.
>
>Adam plopped down with a sigh, and lay back with his
>arms crossed behind his head, the mirrored surface of
>his sunglasses reflecting the leaves of the tree
>above. She waited for him to speak again, to offer an
>explanation to his presence, but he remained mute.
>With a mental shrug, she turned to him, determined to
>play nice.
>
>“How are you doing?” she asked at the same moment he
>posed the same question to her. Startled at their
>unintentional duet, they both laughed. “You first,”
>Katie told him, smiling.
>
>Adam sighed, but a small smile still lingered on his
>lips. “I’m okay. I suppose you’ve heard about An Li
>and me. It wasn’t bad, as divorces go. I just miss
>the kids.”
>
>Katie bit her bottom lip. “I’m sorry, Adam.”
>
>A brief shrug moved his shoulders. “Thanks, love.
>But it was going to happen. We should never have
>gotten married in the first place.” He turned his
>head toward her. “Now your turn.”
>
>Katie lay back down, her hands on her stomach, and
>sighed. “I’m not okay.”
>
>“I didn’t think you would be,” he said, his voice
>matter of fact. “You shouldn’t be.”
>
>Nodding, she digested this in silence. It was the
>first honest reaction she’d gotten from anyone since
>Jay had decamped, and she much preferred it to the
>constant refrain of people telling her, in solicitous
>tones reserved for one who’d suffered the death of a
>loved one, that she’d feel better in time. A thought
>occurred to her, and she turned her head toward him.
>“Do you know where he is?”

OK- here. This is a big break in talk but its necessary- she's relfecting. But, I think, you can skim it down.So the impatient reader does skim herself to see what Katie says. I don't think you need to say "digesting this in silence." You go right into her thoughts instead of a remark so, yea, she's quiet. And I'd sharpen the sentences a bit. "His was the first honest reaction she'd got since Jay decamped. She much preferred it to the constant refrain that she'd feel better in time, given in a tone usually reserved for those who've suffered the death of a loved one."

Solicitious is a mouthful and its a given with the subject matter. I've felt a rift before with the slangy, casual way they talk and then a more formal narrative voice.

And here I want to add how I love the musical metaphors- "constant refrain" "unlikely duet"- very, cool!

And last point- don't need "a thought occurred" Again, I see that as a given. We already know she's thinking.
>
>“No, love, I’m sorry. I don’t.”
>
>“Would you tell me if you did?”
>
>He raised up on an elbow, and stared at her, his mouth
>open. “Of course I would, Katie! What do you take me
>for?”


>
>“Sorry.” She shook her head. “I just have a hard
>time trusting anyone these days.”
>
>“Especially me.”
>
>Katie’s eyes darted to his face, but instead of
>peering down at her, he was looking across the garden
>toward the pool. Those ridiculous shades still hid
>his eyes, and she wished she could see his expression.
> “That’s all over and done with, Adam.”
>
>He snorted. “And yet the melody lingers on,” he said,
>with a languid, undulating motion of his hand.

There's been a lot of body talk in the past few lines, and its been good because the positions you described almost sounded like a preparation for a kiss making me wonder, but its gone on a bit so I'd start tightening- He snorted and waved a languid hand. "And yet...."
>
>“Not for me. Life’s too short for all that shit.”
>
>His sunglasses looked down at her. “Really?”
>
>She nodded. “Really.”
>
>After a moment, he nodded. “Thank you, Katie.”
>
>Her smile was reflected in his shades. “You’re
>welcome.”
>
>Adam lay back down, and cleared his throat. “Now that
>we’ve dived right into treacherous waters, can I pry?”
>
>Katie made a sound of mirth at his asking. “Might as
>well. I’m in no mood to be evasive, so pry away.”

A sound of mirth at his asking? How about- Katie laughed,
>
>“Okay. Are you going to divorce him?”
>
>The question took her by surprise, but she replied
>with no hesitation. “Never.”
>
>“Never’s a long time.”
>
>“You bet your ass it is.”
>
>“What if he…”
>
>“He can’t, not if I don’t let him.”
>
>Adam snorted. “Huh. Take it from one who knows –
>divorce is ridiculously easy.”
>
>“I’m sure it can be,” she said, her lips twisting.
>“But I can make it hard. For the first time in my
>life, I’m glad my father left me all that bread. If
>Jay Carey even thinks of trying to end this marriage,
>I have enough money to tie him up in so much legal
>shit, he’ll go broke if he keeps it up.”

keep this strong. "I'm sure it can be." Her lip twisted. "But, I can make it hard. For the first time,.....I've got the money...."
>
>Adam rolled over to his side, and pillowed his head on
>his arm. “Look, honey. I know you’re hurt right now,
>but is that really what you’d want to do?”

skip pillowed...
>
>“Yeah,” she said softly. “And it’s not because I’m
>hurt. It’s because I love him. He’s my husband, and
>he made a promise to me. And I’m going to hold him to
>that promise, no matter what, because it’s the only…”
>She swallowed past the catch in her throat. “It’s the
>only thing I have left.”
>
>Leaves rustling overhead, and the distant, muted hum
>of the pool filter were the only sounds for a time, as
>the echo of Katie’s words faded. Finally, Adam
>sighed. “I came here today to tell you something, and
>this seems like the right time to do it. Don’t ask me
>how I know this, because I don’t know how I know.
>But, Jay still loves you, Katie. I’m sure of that.”

cut out "for a time" you've already got "faded" and Finally." and skip "to do it.",
>
delete this phrase That statement, coming right after the talk of
>divorce, made

Katie laugh. “Well, he sure has a
>damned funny way of showing it, doesn’t he?”
>
>“I won’t argue with you there.” Adam’s smile was
>rueful. “But, since Nicky told me what happened, I’ve
>been thinking, and I honestly don’t think this has
>anything to do with you. You’re having to deal with
>the fallout, and that’s fucking unfair because you
>don’t deserve it. But Jay…” He pushed his sunglasses
>on top of his head, and Katie could see the
>frustration and hurt in his eyes, reinforcing her
>earlier thoughts.

OK- I'd say "and Katie could finally see the f and h she'd suspected were there." And I really LOVE how you used the shades in this scene-oh, yea, rockers are cool, but really the shades are a shield, a mask in order to keep tht cool image.


“There’s something going on with
>Jay. I mean, we haven’t talked much this past year,
>and I’ve no idea what’s in his head. But something
>hasn’t been right with him for some time, and I think
>maybe he’s gone off to try and figure out what’s
>wrong, y’know?” His brown eyes fixed on her face with
>intensity. “But it isn’t you. I’ve known him for a
>long time, and, well…” Even through the dark lenses
>of her sunglasses, Katie saw the tell-tale blush creep
>up his neck. “He was happier with you than I’ve ever
>seen him. He loves you like…Well, there aren’t words
>for it, okay? Again, I don’t know how I know, but
>this isn’t anything to do with you. It’s not your
>fault.”

Even through her dark glasses, Katie
>
>Grateful for the Foster Grants hiding her eyes, Katie
>blinked away a sudden rush of tears. Adam’s words
>lifted a boulder from her chest, and gave her a
>measure of relief she’d needed. She would have been
>gratified to hear it from anyone, but coming from
>Adam, it had the power of Moses bringing the tablets
>down from Sinai. She managed a tremulous smile.
>“Thank you, Adam.”

Say "His words" so you can use Adam again by the tablets- adding to the biblical allusion. Cut "measure of relief she needed" combine She and would.

>
>He reached over and, with a finger, pulled her
>sunglasses down far enough to see her eyes. “You’re
>welcome.” With a soft smile, he pushed her shades
>back up her nose, and rolled over onto his back again.
>
>Katie felt a gentle peace steal over her at the easy
>comraderie between the two of them, a peace tinged
>with regret that it couldn't have been that way [?]
>years ago. But the passage of time had erased those
>harsh feelings of betrayal they'd both had, and a new
>level of maturity in Adam, and in her, made her think
>that maybe, just maybe, they could really be friends
>now. And since they were both being so honest and
>above-board...
>
>“Adam?”
>
>“Mm-hm?”
>
>“I’m sorry.”
>
>“Sorry? Why?”
>
>“I’m sorry I came between you and Jay.” She held up
>her hand with a brief shushing noise, determined to
>tell him with no interruptions. “I did come between
>the two of you, and you know it. I wish it hadn’t
>happened, and I want you to know I’m sorry for it.”
>
>After a moment, she felt Adam’s hand close over hers.
>He lifted it, and pressed it to his lips. “Thank you.”
>
>“You’re welcome.”
>
> He placed her hand back on her abdomen, and cleared
>his throat. “I’m going to change the subject now.”
>
>“Sounds like a good idea to me.” Katie felt limp with
>relief, and didn’t much care what course their
>conversation took now that the important points had
>been touched upon.
>
>“So, how’s the album coming along?”
>
>“Finished it. I think they’re going to release it in
>September.”
>
>“How’d you like producing?”
>
>“Oh, I hated it,” she said with passion. “I didn’t
>realize how much we’d relied on Jay for our sound
>until we had to do it ourselves. But Zach and I did
>great, if I do say so myself. I think it sounds
>fantastic.”
>
>“Can’t wait to hear it.”
>
>“I quit the band,” she said, with the casual air of
>someone discussing the weather.
>
>“I’m sorry, what?” He sat up in a flurry, and stared
>down at her.
>
>She looked up at him with amusement. “I said I quit
>Whistlepig.”
>
>“I heard you, I just couldn’t believe it.” He reached
>over and removed her sunglasses. “Take those damned
>things off so I can see your face. Why?”
>
>Katie blinked in the pricks of sunlight that filtered
>through the leaves. “Because I was only ever in that
>band to make Jay happy, that’s why. The whole thing
>was his idea from the beginning, and now I don’t see
>any reason to keep it up. I feel like I’ve dropped
>the weight of the world from my shoulders.”
>
>“But what are they…Are they going to replace you?”
>
>“Nope.” She shook her head. “Angela’s going to take
>over the lead vocals.”
>
>Adam nodded, but continued to eye her with doubt.
>“She’ll be good.”
>
>“Yeah, she will. I’m really glad.” She spoke to the
>expression on his face. “I mean it. I’m over the
>moon happy for them.”

I'm not sure what spoke to the expression on his face means. Spoke to his doubt? Do we need to hear that?

>“Okay, I’ll take your word for it.” He frowned. “What
>are you going to do now?”
>
>Katie smiled softly, and closed her eyes. “Just
>continue to exist, and make sure my heart keeps
>beating. I don’t have seem to have the wherewithal to
>do anything else right now.”
>
>“Katie?”
>
>When he didn’t speak, she looked up, curious. “What?”

cut curious
>
>He didn’t meet her eyes, but appeared intent on
>plucking blades of grass from between his knees.
>“I’ve been looking for him.”
>
>Katie pushed herself up on her elbows, and stared at
>him. “And?”
>
>“And I’m going to find him.” His lean throat moved as
>he swallowed heavily. “He owes a lot of people an
>explanation, least of all you. But all of us who…who
>care about him deserve better than this.” He
>shrugged, and tossed aside a handful of mangled grass.
> “And I know he needs you, no matter what he might
>think.”
>
>Katie sat up, and wrapped her arms around him. “Thank
>you. Dammit, Adam, thank you.”
>
>His arms came around her, hesitant at first; then,
>when she didn’t pull away, with firmness. “I’m going
>to find him,” he repeated. “And when I do, I’m
>sending him straight to you. I promise.”

As you can see, I'm nitpicky but a few words cut can really make a difference. There are a few more "that" s I'd remove and a few places where you could put in a contraction. And of course, all this is just MHO.

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[> [> [> ATTENTION Lit Forum! Susie's suggestions should be required reading for all writers! >>>> -- Page, 20:47:35 10/08/09 Thu

Susie, you know just how to cut through the clutter, and let the action shine. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your help with this scene! The things you suggested made me slap my head, and say, "Of course! That reads so much better!" I have printed out your suggestions, and will refer to them as I continue to write, because they are wonderful examples of how to streamline a manuscript.

Thank you so much for taking the time to do this!

Hugs,
Page

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[> [> Hi Page! Former regular, turned Lurker, becoming regular again. This way please! -- Fel, 19:19:25 10/09/09 Fri

Hi Page,

I'm a former regular here in the Litforum, but I've been lurking now for some time. Your story has inspired me to write again. I've got a new story in progress as we speak, and eventually I'll bring it out for you all to see.

Any ways, I love this story. I think that Adam does just the right thing here for Katie. He is considerate and thoughtfull, saying just the right types of things to her. I have a feeling that his divorces might have made him change slightly. I could be wrong about this of course.

Katie's grief over not knowing where Jay is or why he has left her, comes through very vividly.

All in all, very nice work, and I look forward to seeing more from you.

Fel

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[> [> [> Hi, Fel, and welcome back! >>>> -- Page, 15:34:26 10/10/09 Sat

I'm so glad you de-lurked (is that a word? It is now! *G*), and am flattered that my story had a hand in it. I am SO looking forward to reading your posts!

You're right, Adam has matured quite a bit since Katie lived with him, and I agree with you that his divorces had something to do with that. He's also been able to step back and look at things more objectively, and has realized that while he cares a great deal for Katie, he was never in love with her. The fact that he wants Jay and Katie back together says a lot about the man he's become.

I'm glad Katie's feelings came through. She grieves quite violently in private, but in front of anyone she tends to be rather matter of fact about it. I'm glad enough of what she really feels shows here.

Again, welcome back, and get to posting! *G*

Hugs,
Page

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[> [> Re: Resolution >>>> -- Lady Morilka, 15:40:08 10/12/09 Mon

>Excerpt from Carey On
>©2009 by Juli Morgan
>Posted for purposes of critique, and does not
>constitute publication
>
>Sunlight shone through the open door to the sunporch,
>and lay in a blinding block on the polished strips of
>wood of the living room floor. Katie stepped into the
>light, and felt the warmth caress the tops of her
>feet. She slipped on her sunglasses, entered the
>glass walled room, and shivered as the subtropical
>heat trapped there chased away the air conditioned
>chill from her skin. After a moment to let her body
>adjust to the new temperature, she made her way across
>the room, and opened the door that gave on the patio.
>Her body stiff with tension, she stood with her eyes
>downcast before stepping outside. With a deep,
>fortifying breath, she looked up, then sighed with
>relief. The tulips were gone.
Is that line of tulips appering before somwhere? I didn't understand it until several paragraphs later.
>
>The heat radiating from the patio went through the
>soles of her rubber flip flops as if she were
>barefoot, and she scampered across the hot stones to
>reach the cool sanctuary of the lawn. Stepping into
>the shade of a large oak tree, she let her breath out
>in pleasure. It was easily twenty degrees cooler than
>in the sun. Kicking off her now uncomfortable
>footwear, she lowered herself to the grass, and
>ignored the itch of the blades against her bare legs
>as she looked toward the house. The white roses that
>surrounded the patio rioted in the sunshine,
>reflecting the light so brightly that it hurt her eyes
>even shaded by her sunglasses. That sentence is way to long and I stumbled overon every read. She closed her eyes,
>and watched the after-reflection swimming in her
>vision, cut that sentence here, most people know thecoulors of after reflections.
neon blue rosebushes that faded to a more
>bearable lilac, and then to a ghostly green.
>
>At least the row of pink tulips Jay had planted for
>her had died off, and even their spiky leaves had been
>cut away by the gardener, making it seem like they’d
>never been there. Of course, the bulbs were still in
>the ground, storing up energy until they would bloom
>again in the spring. But Katie could bear the thought
>of them sleeping in the earth, as long as she didn’t
>have to see them.
>
>Two days after her disastrous return home from the
>States, she’d gone out onto the patio, thinking a
>little fresh air might help clear her mind. Anything
>had to be better than the memories that assaulted her
>around every corner in the house; or so she’d thought,
>until the sight of those damned tulips standing tall
>and proud had almost brought her to her knees. She
>had run back into the house, and hadn’t ventured out
>to the back garden again, even after she knew the
>tulip’s growing season had ended.
>
>That was one more thing Jay had taken from her, the
>delight she got from her favorite flowers. She lay
>back on the grass, and sighed. Now she couldn’t even
>go into her own garden until the tulips were as dead
>as…
>
>She gasped in dismay, and immediately began
>apologizing to whatever forces might hear her. “No.
>No, no, no. I didn’t mean that, I didn’t mean it that
>way. Please, no.” She hated it when that evil
>thought crept unbidden into her mind, and always made
>haste to atone for it. It was ludicrous to even think
>it, and she knew on some level that it was just a
>manifestation of the fear and abandonment she felt.
>Jay was still out there – somewhere – and she knew it,
>because her heart was still beating. She knew, with a
>certainty that went bone deep, that if he ceased to
>exist, so would she. Since she was still alive and
>kicking, albeit in a feeble fashion, then so was he.
Just a thought: "..., then so must he." I think that her certainty is understandable, but she knowes that it s a good bit of hope. THis should somehow shine through.
>
>The gentle rattle of glass that heralded the door to
>the sunporch closing made her sit up with alacrity.
>She cursed the way her heart beat with anticipation,
>and the jolt of adrenaline that made her nerve endings
>sing. It wouldn’t be him, it was never him, but she
>couldn’t stop the hope that leapt up every time she
>had a visitor.
Only when she has visitors or also when she hears any sound in the hous?
>
>As always, her hopes were dashed when she saw that it
>wasn’t Jay striding across the patio towards her. But
>her heart continued to pound, this time in surprise,
>as she recognized the long, lean figure of Adam
>Greene, sunlight glinting off his hair. Behind her
>sunglasses, her eyebrows arched in astonishment, and
>she wondered what had brought him here. Since that
>horrible day [?] years ago when he and Jay had almost
>come to blows, he had taken care never to be alone
>with her, and she had been just as cautious, keeping
>their contact to a minimum.
>
>She’d had a lot of time to reflect on the things
>they’d said that day, and the things that had led up
>to it, and she thought she had finally stumbled onto
>the answer to why everything had gotten so volatile.
>Adam hadn’t been jealous because Jay had her, it was
>because she had Jay. Oh, she had been skeptical when
>the thought first entered her head, and had sought to
>dismiss it as one of her more absurd ideas. But it
>refused to be dislodged, and the more she thought
>about it, the more certain she was. Adam had loved
>Jay like a brother, had almost worshipped him. Jay
>had been Adam’s hero, the kind of man he aspired to
>be, but after Katie entered the scene, that dynamic
>had changed. The way Jay had loved her – did
>love her, she corrected herself fiercely – had left
>precious little room for Adam in his life, other than
>their connection in Shadowed Knight, and, unable to
>articulate how this loss had affected him, Adam had
>transferred his jealousy from Katie to Jay. The loss
>of that closeness had taken its toll on Jay, too, and
>Katie was convinced it had led to the break up of the
>band, and to Jay’s downward spiral from there. It
>frustrated her, this knowledge, because it wasn’t
>something she could have ever suggested to either Jay
>or Adam. Both of them would have denied it with
>shocked outrage, and it would probably have escalated
>the tension between them. How stupid it was they
>couldn’t admit their love for each other!
Not sure here about that paragraph. It is very long, and it completly distracts me from the actual situation of Adam aproaching. It is important, I know that, but maybe that should wander a bit in the scene, maybe to later when they both linger in their own thoughts or so.
>
>All of this flashed through her mind in a split second
>as she watched Adam approach. Remembering the brief
>mention of Adam’s latest divorce in the previous
>month’s issue of Melody Maker, she hoped he
>wasn’t there to try and rekindle anything romantic
>with her. Talk about bad timing. If he did, she’d go
>ahead and tell him her theory of why he’d fought with
>Jay that day, and be damned to his reaction. He
>didn’t love her, and she didn’t intend to let him
>entertain that notion if still lurked in his head.
>
>For a man who’d just gone through the break-up of his
>second marriage, Adam looked good. The beard and
>mustache he’d grown suited him, gave him an air of
>piratical swagger, and she grinned. Seeing it, he
>grinned back, his posture seeming to sag a bit in
>relief, and waved.
>“Mind if I join you?”
Good body language here.
>
>“Be my guest.” She waved a hand toward the grass next
>to her.
>
>Adam plopped down with a sigh, and lay back with his
>arms crossed behind his head, the mirrored surface of
>his sunglasses reflecting the leaves of the tree
>above. She waited for him to speak again, to offer an
>explanation to his presence, but he remained mute.
>With a mental shrug, she turned to him, determined to
>play nice.
>
>“How are you doing?” she asked at the same moment he
>posed the same question to her. Startled at their
>unintentional duet, they both laughed. “You first,”
>Katie told him, smiling.
Very typical, love it.
>
>Adam sighed, but a small smile still lingered on his
>lips. “I’m okay. I suppose you’ve heard about An Li
>and me. It wasn’t bad, as divorces go. I just miss
>the kids.”
>
>Katie bit her bottom lip. “I’m sorry, Adam.”
>
>A brief shrug moved his shoulders. “Thanks, love.
>But it was going to happen. We should never have
>gotten married in the first place.” He turned his
>head toward her. “Now your turn.”
>
>Katie lay back down, her hands on her stomach, and
>sighed. “I’m not okay.”
I like that trait of Katie, that she can be down to the truth about her feelings with persons she is comfortable with.
>
>“I didn’t think you would be,” he said, his voice
>matter of fact. “You shouldn’t be.”
>
>Nodding, she digested this in silence. It was the
>first honest reaction she’d gotten from anyone since
>Jay had decamped, and she much preferred it to the
>constant refrain of people telling her, in solicitous
>tones reserved for one who’d suffered the death of a
>loved one, that she’d feel better in time. A thought
>occurred to her, and she turned her head toward him.
>“Do you know where he is?”
Is this question matter of fact or hopeful? It's not quite clear tome.
>
>“No, love, I’m sorry. I don’t.”
>
>“Would you tell me if you did?”
>
>He raised up on an elbow, and stared at her, his mouth
>open. “Of course I would, Katie! What do you take me
>for?”
>
>“Sorry.” She shook her head. “I just have a hard
>time trusting anyone these days.”
>
>“Especially me.”
>
>Katie’s eyes darted to his face, but instead of
>peering down at her, he was looking across the garden
>toward the pool. Those ridiculous shades still hid
>his eyes, and she wished she could see his expression.
> “That’s all over and done with, Adam.”
>
>He snorted. “And yet the melody lingers on,” he said,
>with a languid, undulating motion of his hand.
>
>“Not for me. Life’s too short for all that shit.”
>
>His sunglasses looked down at her. “Really?”
>
>She nodded. “Really.”
Maybe you could add the word sincere her somewhere to make clear that this is notlightly said.
>
>After a moment, he nodded. “Thank you, Katie.”
she nodded, he nodded, to much of that ;)
>
>Her smile was reflected in his shades. “You’re
>welcome.”
>
>Adam lay back down, and cleared his throat. “Now that
>we’ve dived right into treacherous waters, can I pry?”
>
>Katie made a sound of mirth at his asking. “Might as
>well. I’m in no mood to be evasive, so pry away.”
>
>“Okay. Are you going to divorce him?”
>
>The question took her by surprise, but she replied
>with no hesitation. “Never.”
>
>“Never’s a long time.”
>
>“You bet your ass it is.”
>
>“What if he…”
>
>“He can’t, not if I don’t let him.”
>
>Adam snorted. “Huh. Take it from one who knows –
>divorce is ridiculously easy.”
Love that reaction.
>
>“I’m sure it can be,” she said, her lips twisting.
>“But I can make it hard. For the first time in my
>life, I’m glad my father left me all that bread. If
>Jay Carey even thinks of trying to end this marriage,
>I have enough money to tie him up in so much legal
>shit, he’ll go broke if he keeps it up.”
>
>Adam rolled over to his side, and pillowed his head on
>his arm. “Look, honey. I know you’re hurt right now,
>but is that really what you’d want to do?”
>
>“Yeah,” she said softly. “And it’s not because I’m
>hurt. It’s because I love him. He’s my husband, and
>he made a promise to me. And I’m going to hold him to
>that promise, no matter what, because it’s the only…”
>She swallowed past the catch in her throat. “It’s the
>only thing I have left.”
>
>Leaves rustling overhead, and the distant, muted hum
>of the pool filter were the only sounds for a time, as
>the echo of Katie’s words faded. Finally, Adam
>sighed. “I came here today to tell you something, and
>this seems like the right time to do it. Don’t ask me
>how I know this, because I don’t know how I know.
>But, Jay still loves you, Katie. I’m sure of that.”
>b>Adam really changed a lot.
>
>That statement, coming right after the talk of
>divorce, made Katie laugh. “Well, he sure has a
>damned funny way of showing it, doesn’t he?”
>
>“I won’t argue with you there.” Adam’s smile was
>rueful. “But, since Nicky told me what happened, I’ve
>been thinking, and I honestly don’t think this has
>anything to do with you. You’re having to deal with
>the fallout, and that’s fucking unfair because you
>don’t deserve it. But Jay…” He pushed his sunglasses
>on top of his head, and Katie could see the
>frustration and hurt in his eyes, reinforcing her
>earlier thoughts. “There’s something going on with
>Jay. I mean, we haven’t talked much this past year,
>and I’ve no idea what’s in his head. But something
>hasn’t been right with him for some time, and I think
>maybe he’s gone off to try and figure out what’s
>wrong, y’know?” His brown eyes fixed on her face with
>intensity. “But it isn’t you. I’ve known him for a
>long time, and, well…” Even through the dark lenses
>of her sunglasses, Katie saw the tell-tale blush creep
>up his neck. “He was happier with you than I’ve ever
>seen him. He loves you like…Well, there aren’t words
>for it, okay? Again, I don’t know how I know, but
>this isn’t anything to do with you. It’s not your
>fault.”
>
>Grateful for the Foster Grants hiding her eyes, Katie
>blinked away a sudden rush of tears. Adam’s words
>lifted a boulder from her chest, and gave her a
>measure of relief she’d needed.
Only the measure she needed? I would think that it might even be greater. Maybe a measure of relief she hadn't knowen she needed? JMHO
She would have been
>gratified to hear it from anyone, but coming from
>Adam, it had the power of Moses bringing the tablets
>down from Sinai. She managed a tremulous smile.
>“Thank you, Adam.”
>
>He reached over and, with a finger, pulled her
>sunglasses down far enough to see her eyes. “You’re
>welcome.” With a soft smile, he pushed her shades
>back up her nose, and rolled over onto his back again.
>
>Katie felt a gentle peace steal over her at the easy
>comraderie between the two of them, a peace tinged
>with regret that it couldn't have been that way [?]
>years ago. But the passage of time had erased those
>harsh feelings of betrayal they'd both had,
I would cut that sentence in two here because at the first readings I always stratet to wonder why a level ov maturity was erased, befor I had read on further.
and a new
>level of maturity in Adam, and in her, made her think
>that maybe, just maybe, they could really be friends
>now. And since they were both being so honest and
>above-board...
>
>“Adam?”
>
>“Mm-hm?”
>
>“I’m sorry.”
>
>“Sorry? Why?”
>
>“I’m sorry I came between you and Jay.” She held up
>her hand with a brief shushing noise, determined to
>tell him with no interruptions. “I did come between
>the two of you, and you know it. I wish it hadn’t
>happened, and I want you to know I’m sorry for it.”
>
>After a moment, she felt Adam’s hand close over hers.
>He lifted it, and pressed it to his lips. “Thank you.”
>
>“You’re welcome.”
>
> He placed her hand back on her abdomen, and cleared
>his throat. “I’m going to change the subject now.”
>
>“Sounds like a good idea to me.” Katie felt limp with
>relief, and didn’t much care what course their
>conversation took now that the important points had
>been touched upon.
>
>“So, how’s the album coming along?”
>
>“Finished it. I think they’re going to release it in
>September.”
>
>“How’d you like producing?”
>
>“Oh, I hated it,” she said with passion. “I didn’t
>realize how much we’d relied on Jay for our sound
>until we had to do it ourselves. But Zach and I did
>great, if I do say so myself. I think it sounds
>fantastic.”
>
>“Can’t wait to hear it.”
>
>“I quit the band,” she said, with the casual air of
>someone discussing the weather.
>
>“I’m sorry, what?” He sat up in a flurry, and stared
>down at her.
>
>She looked up at him with amusement. “I said I quit
>Whistlepig.”
>
>“I heard you, I just couldn’t believe it.” He reached
>over and removed her sunglasses. “Take those damned
>things off so I can see your face. Why?”
>
>Katie blinked in the pricks of sunlight that filtered
>through the leaves. “Because I was only ever in that
>band to make Jay happy, that’s why. The whole thing
>was his idea from the beginning, and now I don’t see
>any reason to keep it up. I feel like I’ve dropped
>the weight of the world from my shoulders.”
So she still did things for someone she actually wouldn't do for herself, interesting how that stayed with her even with someone who truly loves her.
>
>“But what are they…Are they going to replace you?”
>
>“Nope.” She shook her head. “Angela’s going to take
>over the lead vocals.”
>
>Adam nodded, but continued to eye her with doubt.
>“She’ll be good.”
>
>“Yeah, she will. I’m really glad.” She spoke to the
>expression on his face. “I mean it. I’m over the
>moon happy for them.”
>
>“Okay, I’ll take your word for it.” He frowned. “What
>are you going to do now?”
>
>Katie smiled softly, and closed her eyes. “Just
>continue to exist, and make sure my heart keeps
>beating. I don’t have seem to have the wherewithal to
>do anything else right now.”
That thought can be frightening or peaceful depending on the personality, what is it for Katie?
>
>“Katie?”
>
>When he didn’t speak, she looked up, curious. “What?”
>
>He didn’t meet her eyes, but appeared intent on
>plucking blades of grass from between his knees.
>“I’ve been looking for him.”
>
>Katie pushed herself up on her elbows, and stared at
>him. “And?”
>
>“And I’m going to find him.” His lean throat moved as
>he swallowed heavily. “He owes a lot of people an
>explanation, least of all you. But all of us who…who
>care about him deserve better than this.” He
>shrugged, and tossed aside a handful of mangled grass.
> “And I know he needs you, no matter what he might
>think.”
>
>Katie sat up, and wrapped her arms around him. “Thank
>you. Dammit, Adam, thank you.”
>
>His arms came around her, hesitant at first; then,
>when she didn’t pull away, with firmness. “I’m going
>to find him,” he repeated. “And when I do, I’m
>sending him straight to you. I promise.”

It's a very sensible scene with a lot of emotions packed (again) but I really like it, the setting is so completly different from the other ones I have read, no party, no triangle just Katie and her home and a visitor, but it is still the same voice a s the other scenes. And I can really feel like I'm there with them. I almost feel the sunlight prick through the leaves ;) Damn good work.

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