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Date Posted: 07:50:54 10/06/03 Mon
Author: Heather
Subject: I am having such a hard time with this

I just don't understand all of this, why me, why Noah.
I know in my heart that he had a higher calling but that just isn't enough sometimes. I know he has touched so many peoples lives in his sort time here but I am driving myself crazy with the what if's and why's. He has taught us so much but I just want him here!

I had my 6 week check up and the first thing the nurse says
"Hi Heather, How is your baby doing?" I gave her a few seconds to see if she would catch herself but she didn't and I just blurted out "My baby died" I am not even sure where that came from. She rubbed my sholder and said sorry but that was the end of that. I left there a total mess!
I don't think I can ever go back to that office again. Thank goodness paps are once a yr. I can even do that at the gen prat. Dr. I am a mess.

I miss my Noah so very much my heart hurts and I have such a empty feeling in my life!

Thanks for listening,
Heather
Mommy to Kennedy and Jordan and Noah born into the arms of Angels on Aug 22nd 2003

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Replies:

[> Oh sweetie....it is really hard, we all know that.....m -- Joanne, 08:08:10 10/06/03 Mon

And yes, he had a purpose that only Heavenly Father and Jesus know of. But it is only right that a mother would still long to hold her baby and to love them, rock them, nurse them at their breast. It is natural - and it is something that with Noah, you've been denied, but only for now.

I don't know the whys - I don't know the whole, wider picture that only God Himself can know and understand. I still wonder why - I still miss Hannah and I don't think that will ever go away totally. Time has lessened the severity of the pain of her death, but the hole in my heart is still there.

I so wish that the appt had gone better for you. Your name should have had a butterfly or something stamped beside it to signify you are a bereaved mother - it is a very small thing to do, but it sure means a lot when you are only so recent in your loss. Perhaps that is something you can suggest, in writing, that they do in the future to prevent more pain being inflicted unnecessarily. Our suggestions were taken into consideration and some were implemented - and I think that is part of Hannah's legacy to future families.

Heather, I so wish I had been there to give you a hug - I am close to tears in just remembering how intense that first year is, and I am just so deeply sorry that you have to go through all of this. Please keep posting, know how much we care and love you, and especially Noah. He has a very special momma.

J


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[> Heather......(((((hugs)))))...................(m) -- Sheila, 15:43:58 10/07/03 Tue

I'm so sorry that you had to go through that! I hate to say it, but the same thing happened to me at my 6 week check-up with Matthew. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die! I felt like every eye in the whole office was watching me me when I said that my baby had died. I think Joanne's idea is a good one.

Don't ever feel bad about asking questions such as, "Why me?" I think you have to acknowledge your feelings and be true to how you feel. This helped me through the grieving process & it still does.

My thoughts & prayers stay with you Heather. Hugs~~Sheila


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[> Dear Heather, I wish I could give you a big hug -- lynece, 17:24:56 10/07/03 Tue

or a magic pill to make things all better. Your grief is still so new and it will get easier. It's hard to imagine ever feeling better again, but you will. I too still have the "why me" moments and I think we will as long as we're on this earth. Hopefully we will know the answer on the other side. My 6 week check was no fun, the nurse did remember ( I was a high needs patient) but the office waiting area for 5 OBs was packed with pregnant women. It was horrible.

Hang tight to your DH. You may not grieve the same way, but this is such an important time to stick together.

Thanks for sharing with us. We love you and DO understand.
Lynece


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[> Oh Heather I'm sure we can all remember the dept of pain you are in right now... -- Breneman, 18:52:46 10/07/03 Tue


I can still remember someone asking me a few weeks after my son had died if I was feeling any better yet. I just turned and looked at them and said "NO, everyday is only another day without my child. It's not getting any better and I don't know if it ever will."

That is where you are right now and it's OK to be there. These are strange new awful feelings and it takes a lot of work and faith to learn how to deal with them. I know that the pain of losing a child never goes away; we just learn to deal with it differently. But it takes time.

I have never felt that my Heavenly Father was upset with me for feeling angry and betrayed over the death of my children either. I now know that what he feels is a great love and compassion for us. Not only as a loving father but also as a fellow parent. It's OK to vent your frustrations with the Lord, he understands. And so do we.

Hugs,
Mary


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