Thanks Anna!!!!!!! I have very seriously thought that my depression problems may not be just self inflicted hatred for myself but that it might be something I have not control over..... -- NSYNC Skeedettes

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Date Posted: 09:05:41 05/13/01 Sun
Author: j-skee
Subject: Thanks Anna!!!!!!! I have very seriously thought that my depression problems may not be just self inflicted hatred for myself but that it might be something I have not control over.....
In reply to: A 's message, "Kimmy.." on 00:07:07 05/13/01 Sun

I'm not sure at all that I am interested in talking to anyone or even seeing anyone about it. I went through this in middle and high school and saw some people and it did me absolutly no good at all. All they made me do was talk about my feelings. I already did that well with my mother. They never suggested any ways at all of helping me get better or at least feel better. I sometimes left those sessions feeling worse than I did when I went in.

I know it seems like I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. But that is what it feels like inside to me, so much bigger. What is even worse is that he might not even know that I like him, but all the same you would think he would have gotten the hint by now. But like I said the reason I probably would never say anything to him is because actually being rejected is harder to deal with than the thought of rejection. Some days I think that Catherine is behind me liking him 100% but than other times I think she is trying to sabotage any possible chance that I could have with him, even IF he did like me. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have been wanting to do that for the last two days. To bad I really cant do that out loud. Have you ever been so emotionaly drained and upset that your insides feel like they are melting. That is what I feel like right now. I keep wanting to kick myself in the ass. Maybe I should just come out and ask him and get it done and over with. Because if he doesnt like me I can quiet trying to like him and just go back to staying friends.

Silver you always have a great way of coming up with such logical questions. To answer a few of your questions, I don't know how much he knows about commitment. I guess if he dated the girl with the kid for two year he might know a little about commitment. At the young age he was to date someone for more than a month is a miracle. So I think because he stayed with someone for an extended amount of time at that age he MIGHT know a little something about commitment. But than again he might not at all. I like you asking me to put a mental bag over his face. Are you trying to tell me to not take into consideration the fact that he is cute????? As a matter of fact I have thought about that kind of thing and he does have qualities in guys that I like. My big thing is liking a guy who has some manners and is polite. He does have manners and is very polite, granted he acts silly sometimes. He makes me laugh. Has a decent sense of humor. On my b-day when we were up talking some of the things he said really touched me. He has some deep things to say about how he grew up and about his relationships with people, that I thought were pretty awesome. I just think he is an all around sweet guy. Its just funny that sometimes he will say something about himself and I'm like whoa I'm the same way. Now maybe I'm reading more into than I should, but I guess that is part of my problem. To answer your other question about what it is I want from someone. I want someone to be there for me when I need them. That is all that I ever look for in any relationship that I get involved with including with friends. My father wasnt there for me and I want to know that that person is not going to up and leave me like he did. I'm not going to lie to you and say I don't want all the other stuff too; someone to hold me and someone to kiss. Silver I just have to thank you soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much for always asking me the right questions so that I have something to think about. You always mange to be so logical when I need it the most.

You guys have always been my biggest supporters. I know that I can always trust that you guys will be there for me no matter what and that you are not going to judge me based on what I do or how I feel. I love you guys so much. Thanks a lot. Talk to you soon.

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