Christmas (Working Title) - Opening Scene Rewrite -- The Beta Board

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Date Posted: 20:22:08 01/12/04 Mon
Author: melinky
Subject: Christmas (Working Title) - Opening Scene Rewrite
In reply to: melinky 's message, "I think I'm Ready..." on 17:18:15 01/03/04 Sat

The night air was cold and crisp on her skin as she wandered aimlessly through the now quiet streets of the city. It was Christmas Eve, a day full of hope and children awaiting the arrival of Santa Clause. While most people were anticipating gifts wrapped in gaily-colored paper and ribbons, she was anticipating the onset of a new mission and the casualties it would most likely bring.

No, Christmas was nothing out of the ordinary for Nikita, it never had been, probably never would be. Empty promises of gifts that never arrived clouded her childhood memories of Christmas. Her mother had been too busy buying booze and entertaining her ceaseless string of boyfriends to make the holiday special for her daughter. The year Nikita turned fourteen her mother had kicked her out, leaving her to fend for herself on the streets. During the next three years, simply having a roof over her head that didn�t leak and place to sleep unmolested had seemed like enough to wish for.

Ironically, the Christmas that passed during her short stay in prison had probably been the most notable of all. It was in prison that she had her first Christmas dinner; although the food was far from gourmet, it was still better than tasteless concoctions that were served the rest of the year.

Then, out of the blue, along came Section One; demanding, never satisfied Section One. Despite an edict by the Section against gratuitous celebration, there were often small groups of operatives throwing various clandestine holiday parties. Though she was often invited, Nikita rarely attended these soirees, preferring small, intimate dinners at home with her friends. Walter and Birkoff had never turned down an invitation to dinner; even Michael would show up on the rare occasions when he felt that the eyes of Section were elsewhere.

A sudden gust of wind drew Nikita rather rudely from her memories of Christmas past. Snuggling down into the shearling fur collar of her Pasha & Jo suede coat, she was only slightly surprised to find herself a block away from the cathedral where she and Michael used to meet. As she approached the cathedral she memories of the times they had met in the warm, candle-lit sanctuary flashed through her mind. Climbing the stairs, a regretful, half smile appeared on her face as she reached deep into her pocket. Yes, it was there. She felt a bit like Smeagol with �his precious� as she removed the small treasure, caressing it with the pad of her thumb.

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[> [> Here's my attempt at feedback, LOL -- JayBee, 19:17:30 01/14/04 Wed

Hey, melinky!

I finally got the time to take a look at this. I'm not the world�s greatest beta, to be honest, but I hope that I can provide at least a little helpful feedback.

Overall, I think this is a very nice start: you set the scene well, and left us intrigued about what exactly she has withdrawn from her pocket.

Here are some minor comments, paragraph by paragraph.

The night air was cold and crisp on her skin as she wandered aimlessly through the now quiet streets of the city. It was Christmas Eve, a day full of hope and children awaiting the arrival of Santa Clause. While most people were anticipating gifts wrapped in gaily-colored paper and ribbons, she was anticipating the onset of a new mission and the casualties it would most likely bring.

It's Santa Claus, not Santa Clause. Good contrast between most people's ideas of the holiday versus Nikita's, by the way. A couple of suggestions:

(1) while you identify the main character as Nikita in the following paragraph, it might be nice to do so in the opening paragraph instead, just so people know who you are talking about right away (unless you want them to be guessing at first, which is perfectly legitimate). This isn't mandatory or anything -- more a preference of mine, so feel free to take it or leave it.

(2) All three sentences here use the verb "to be" in one way or another (as the main verb or an auxiliary): "The night air was...." "It was Christmas Eve...." and then "While most people were...she was anticipating...." While there is nothing wrong with these sentences at all, I'd like to see you mix things up a little so it doesn't sound quite so repetitive. You could, for example, change the first sentence to "The night air felt cold and crisp..." just for the sake of variety. But bear in mind, I am someone with a weird sensitivity to words or phrases that are repeated a lot -- I tend to notice them in stories and find them annoying, but I'm strange that way. LOL.

No, Christmas was nothing out of the ordinary for Nikita, it never had been, probably never would be. Empty promises of gifts that never arrived clouded her childhood memories of Christmas. Her mother had been too busy buying booze and entertaining her ceaseless string of boyfriends to make the holiday special for her daughter. The year Nikita turned fourteen her mother had kicked her out, leaving her to fend for herself on the streets. During the next three years, simply having a roof over her head that didn�t leak and place to sleep unmolested had seemed like enough to wish for.

I'm not a grammar expert (oh grammar mavens, please correct me if I'm wrong!), but I think that the comma after 'Nikita' in that first sentence would be better as a semicolon. Very good encapsulation of Nikita's history in just a few short sentences.

Ironically, the Christmas that passed during her short stay in prison had probably been the most notable of all. It was in prison that she had her first Christmas dinner; although the food was far from gourmet, it was still better than tasteless concoctions that were served the rest of the year.

There are an awful lot of "was's" and "were's" in that last sentence, too, but I don't mind it as much this time. You might consider whether you can vary the structure a bit, but I wouldn't worry too much about it. I like the idea of the Christmas in prison quite a lot -- very poignant touch.

Then, out of the blue, along came Section One; demanding, never satisfied Section One. Despite an edict by the Section against gratuitous celebration, there were often small groups of operatives throwing various clandestine holiday parties. Though she was often invited, Nikita rarely attended these soirees, preferring small, intimate dinners at home with her friends. Walter and Birkoff had never turned down an invitation to dinner; even Michael would show up on the rare occasions when he felt that the eyes of Section were elsewhere.

Gratuitous celebration. LOLOL -- love that.

A sudden gust of wind drew Nikita rather rudely from her memories of Christmas past. Snuggling down into the shearling fur collar of her Pasha & Jo suede coat, she was only slightly surprised to find herself a block away from the cathedral where she and Michael used to meet. As she approached the cathedral she memories of the times they had met in the warm, candle-lit sanctuary flashed through her mind. Climbing the stairs, a regretful, half smile appeared on her face as she reached deep into her pocket. Yes, it was there. She felt a bit like Smeagol with �his precious� as she removed the small treasure, caressing it with the pad of her thumb.

OK, I have a fair amount here:

(1) The Pasha & Jo coat: one of my pet peeves is when people unnecessarily use brand names in stories. If it's important that the coat be a Pasha & Jo one for some reason, that's OK, but otherwise I would prefer that you simply describe what the coat looks like. Brands go in and out of fashion so quickly, that sometimes stories that are only a couple of years old seem a little dated when they make references like that. Also, we have readers around the world, and sometimes they may not recognize certain brands -- so using the brand name as a shorthand for what something looks like won't necessarily help very much.

(2) Third sentence: I think it should read "As she approached the cathedral, the memories...."

(3) Fourth sentence: It should be something like "As she climbed the stairs..." or "She climbed the stairs and...." The way it's written, it looks as if the regretful half smile is climbing the stairs, LOL.

Overall -- very good start, and I look forward to reading the rest of this!

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[> [> [> Re: Here's my attempt at feedback, LOL -- melinky, 19:53:39 01/14/04 Wed

JayBee,

Great feedback! Very good point about the was's and were's, it makes perfect sense.

On the semicolon, I wasn't sure on that one. I believe, and I might be totally wrong, that if both parts can stand alone as sentences it is proper to use a semicolon. I'm not sure if I can see, "It never had been, probably never would be," as a complete sentence. Hmmm. Maybe I can restructure that a bit.

I'll have to confess that as I read the Pasha & Jo part I thought it looked a bit clunky, name brands are a bad habit from my RPG. Your reasoning makes perfect sense.

I'll see if I can get some changes made in the next few days.

Thanks again! That wasn't as bad as I was afraid it might be. :)

Melinda

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[> [> [> I'm working on the rewrite now:) -- melinky, 19:54:35 01/24/04 Sat

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