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Date Posted: 17:18:15 01/03/04 Sat
Author: melinky
Subject: I think I'm Ready...
Okay, here's the first part of my first fan-fic.
Your honest opinions are requested. :)
Melinda
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Christmas (Working Title) - Opening Scene -- melinky, 17:22:04 01/03/04 Sat
The night air was cold and crisp on her skin as she wandered aimlessly through the now quiet streets of the city. It was Christmas Eve, a day full of anticipation and hope for most of the world. While most people were anticipating gifts wrapped in gaily-colored paper and ribbons, she was anticipating the onset of a new mission and the casualties it would most likely bring.
No, Christmas was nothing out of the ordinary for Nikita, it never had been. Empty promises of gifts that never arrived clouded her childhood memories of Christmas. Her mother had been too busy buying booze and entertaining her ceaseless string of boyfriends to deal with playing Santa for her daughter. Later, after being booted into the streets as a teenager, simply having a roof over her head, preferably one that didn’t leak, and place to sleep unmolested had occupied most of her time.
Ironically, the Christmas that passed during her short stay in prison had probably been the most notable. It was in prison that she had her first Christmas dinner, although it was far from gourmet, it was better than standard prison fare.
Then, out of the blue, along came Section One. Demanding, never satisfied Section One, where time for the frivolity of Christmas festivities was never allotted. Despite the edict by Section on gratuitous celebration, there were often small groups of operatives throwing various clandestine holiday parties. Though she was often invited, Nikita rarely attended these soirees, preferring instead, small intimate dinners with Walter and Birkoff, who were the closest thing she had to a family.
A sudden gust of wind drew Nikita rather rudely from her memories of Christmas past. Snuggling down into the shearling fur collar of her Pasha & Jo suede coat, she was only slightly surprised to find herself a block away from the cathedral where she and Michael used to meet. As she approached the cathedral she couldn’t help but remember the many times they had met there throughout their years together in Section. Climbing the stairs, a regretful, half smile appeared on her face as she reached deep into her pocket. Yes, there it was. She felt a bit like Smeagol with “his precious” as she removed the small treasure, caressing it with the pad of her thumb.
Last edited by author: Sat January 03, 2004 21:51:42
Edited 2 times.
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Hey, melinky! -- JayBee, 12:48:32 01/04/04 Sun
Glad to see you posting here. It looks like a promising start to your story.
I'm happy to give you some feedback, although it might take me a couple of days to get to it. In the meantime, is there anything in particular you're looking for, feedback-wise? Do you want more of a focus on language and writing technique, or on plot/characterization type issues? I find it hard to look at both things at once, for some odd reason (it must employ different sides of the brain, LOL), so I'll start with whichever one you prefer.
I must say now, though, that I really like the reference to Nikita having her first Christmas dinner in prison. That's a very nice and poignant -- as well as unexpected -- touch. :-)
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Re: Hey, melinky! -- melinky, 13:01:33 01/04/04 Sun
JayBee,
I need help with both areas since I'm a total a novice. I think that if one area glaringly needs more work than the other, that would be the place to start.
I'm pretty much a late bloomer in the writing department and have never formally studied the art, so I guess I'm looking to you ladies to be my teachers.
Take your time because starting today I'm back into my hectic schedule until late May. I'll be lucky to have this finished in time for next Christmas.
Melinda
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Hi melinky! (r) -- Genevieve, 02:31:53 01/12/04 Mon
Despite the edict by Section on gratuitous celebration
Firstly, I just love that line. *g*
Secondly, while any number of people will be able to tell you that I'm hopeless when it comes to picking up people's typos, I'd be more than happy to read this through at length and offer any suggestions that come into my head. Like Jaybee, it will be a few days before I can do this any justice, however, as I've got a few other little LFN things in my head at the moment. But I'm sure it will be before next Christmas, lol! *g*
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Any help at all is appreciated. :¬) -- melinky, 05:42:40 01/12/04 Mon
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Christmas (Working Title) - Opening Scene Rewrite -- melinky, 20:22:08 01/12/04 Mon
The night air was cold and crisp on her skin as she wandered aimlessly through the now quiet streets of the city. It was Christmas Eve, a day full of hope and children awaiting the arrival of Santa Clause. While most people were anticipating gifts wrapped in gaily-colored paper and ribbons, she was anticipating the onset of a new mission and the casualties it would most likely bring.
No, Christmas was nothing out of the ordinary for Nikita, it never had been, probably never would be. Empty promises of gifts that never arrived clouded her childhood memories of Christmas. Her mother had been too busy buying booze and entertaining her ceaseless string of boyfriends to make the holiday special for her daughter. The year Nikita turned fourteen her mother had kicked her out, leaving her to fend for herself on the streets. During the next three years, simply having a roof over her head that didn’t leak and place to sleep unmolested had seemed like enough to wish for.
Ironically, the Christmas that passed during her short stay in prison had probably been the most notable of all. It was in prison that she had her first Christmas dinner; although the food was far from gourmet, it was still better than tasteless concoctions that were served the rest of the year.
Then, out of the blue, along came Section One; demanding, never satisfied Section One. Despite an edict by the Section against gratuitous celebration, there were often small groups of operatives throwing various clandestine holiday parties. Though she was often invited, Nikita rarely attended these soirees, preferring small, intimate dinners at home with her friends. Walter and Birkoff had never turned down an invitation to dinner; even Michael would show up on the rare occasions when he felt that the eyes of Section were elsewhere.
A sudden gust of wind drew Nikita rather rudely from her memories of Christmas past. Snuggling down into the shearling fur collar of her Pasha & Jo suede coat, she was only slightly surprised to find herself a block away from the cathedral where she and Michael used to meet. As she approached the cathedral she memories of the times they had met in the warm, candle-lit sanctuary flashed through her mind. Climbing the stairs, a regretful, half smile appeared on her face as she reached deep into her pocket. Yes, it was there. She felt a bit like Smeagol with “his precious” as she removed the small treasure, caressing it with the pad of her thumb.
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Here's my attempt at feedback, LOL -- JayBee, 19:17:30 01/14/04 Wed
Hey, melinky!
I finally got the time to take a look at this. I'm not the world’s greatest beta, to be honest, but I hope that I can provide at least a little helpful feedback.
Overall, I think this is a very nice start: you set the scene well, and left us intrigued about what exactly she has withdrawn from her pocket.
Here are some minor comments, paragraph by paragraph.
The night air was cold and crisp on her skin as she wandered aimlessly through the now quiet streets of the city. It was Christmas Eve, a day full of hope and children awaiting the arrival of Santa Clause. While most people were anticipating gifts wrapped in gaily-colored paper and ribbons, she was anticipating the onset of a new mission and the casualties it would most likely bring.
It's Santa Claus, not Santa Clause. Good contrast between most people's ideas of the holiday versus Nikita's, by the way. A couple of suggestions:
(1) while you identify the main character as Nikita in the following paragraph, it might be nice to do so in the opening paragraph instead, just so people know who you are talking about right away (unless you want them to be guessing at first, which is perfectly legitimate). This isn't mandatory or anything -- more a preference of mine, so feel free to take it or leave it.
(2) All three sentences here use the verb "to be" in one way or another (as the main verb or an auxiliary): "The night air was...." "It was Christmas Eve...." and then "While most people were...she was anticipating...." While there is nothing wrong with these sentences at all, I'd like to see you mix things up a little so it doesn't sound quite so repetitive. You could, for example, change the first sentence to "The night air felt cold and crisp..." just for the sake of variety. But bear in mind, I am someone with a weird sensitivity to words or phrases that are repeated a lot -- I tend to notice them in stories and find them annoying, but I'm strange that way. LOL.
No, Christmas was nothing out of the ordinary for Nikita, it never had been, probably never would be. Empty promises of gifts that never arrived clouded her childhood memories of Christmas. Her mother had been too busy buying booze and entertaining her ceaseless string of boyfriends to make the holiday special for her daughter. The year Nikita turned fourteen her mother had kicked her out, leaving her to fend for herself on the streets. During the next three years, simply having a roof over her head that didn’t leak and place to sleep unmolested had seemed like enough to wish for.
I'm not a grammar expert (oh grammar mavens, please correct me if I'm wrong!), but I think that the comma after 'Nikita' in that first sentence would be better as a semicolon. Very good encapsulation of Nikita's history in just a few short sentences.
Ironically, the Christmas that passed during her short stay in prison had probably been the most notable of all. It was in prison that she had her first Christmas dinner; although the food was far from gourmet, it was still better than tasteless concoctions that were served the rest of the year.
There are an awful lot of "was's" and "were's" in that last sentence, too, but I don't mind it as much this time. You might consider whether you can vary the structure a bit, but I wouldn't worry too much about it. I like the idea of the Christmas in prison quite a lot -- very poignant touch.
Then, out of the blue, along came Section One; demanding, never satisfied Section One. Despite an edict by the Section against gratuitous celebration, there were often small groups of operatives throwing various clandestine holiday parties. Though she was often invited, Nikita rarely attended these soirees, preferring small, intimate dinners at home with her friends. Walter and Birkoff had never turned down an invitation to dinner; even Michael would show up on the rare occasions when he felt that the eyes of Section were elsewhere.
Gratuitous celebration. LOLOL -- love that.
A sudden gust of wind drew Nikita rather rudely from her memories of Christmas past. Snuggling down into the shearling fur collar of her Pasha & Jo suede coat, she was only slightly surprised to find herself a block away from the cathedral where she and Michael used to meet. As she approached the cathedral she memories of the times they had met in the warm, candle-lit sanctuary flashed through her mind. Climbing the stairs, a regretful, half smile appeared on her face as she reached deep into her pocket. Yes, it was there. She felt a bit like Smeagol with “his precious” as she removed the small treasure, caressing it with the pad of her thumb.
OK, I have a fair amount here:
(1) The Pasha & Jo coat: one of my pet peeves is when people unnecessarily use brand names in stories. If it's important that the coat be a Pasha & Jo one for some reason, that's OK, but otherwise I would prefer that you simply describe what the coat looks like. Brands go in and out of fashion so quickly, that sometimes stories that are only a couple of years old seem a little dated when they make references like that. Also, we have readers around the world, and sometimes they may not recognize certain brands -- so using the brand name as a shorthand for what something looks like won't necessarily help very much.
(2) Third sentence: I think it should read "As she approached the cathedral, the memories...."
(3) Fourth sentence: It should be something like "As she climbed the stairs..." or "She climbed the stairs and...." The way it's written, it looks as if the regretful half smile is climbing the stairs, LOL.
Overall -- very good start, and I look forward to reading the rest of this!
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Re: Here's my attempt at feedback, LOL -- melinky, 19:53:39 01/14/04 Wed
JayBee,
Great feedback! Very good point about the was's and were's, it makes perfect sense.
On the semicolon, I wasn't sure on that one. I believe, and I might be totally wrong, that if both parts can stand alone as sentences it is proper to use a semicolon. I'm not sure if I can see, "It never had been, probably never would be," as a complete sentence. Hmmm. Maybe I can restructure that a bit.
I'll have to confess that as I read the Pasha & Jo part I thought it looked a bit clunky, name brands are a bad habit from my RPG. Your reasoning makes perfect sense.
I'll see if I can get some changes made in the next few days.
Thanks again! That wasn't as bad as I was afraid it might be. :)
Melinda
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I'm working on the rewrite now:) -- melinky, 19:54:35 01/24/04 Sat
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The Big Rewrite... -- melinky, 20:16:50 02/08/04 Sun
The sun along with the meager warmth it provided, had long abandoned the city allowing the cruel north wind to have free reign over the night. Nikita paid little heed to the plummeting temperature as she wandered aimlessly through the now vacant streets. In the distance, the steady clanging of a church bell marked the arrival of Christmas. While most of the world anxiously awaited gifts wrapped in gaily-colored paper and ribbons, she was anticipating the launch of a new mission and the casualties it would most likely bring.
As a child, she too had dreamed of Christmas and the presents Santa would bring, only to awaken to the harsh reality of life with a mother who spent most of the holiday season in a drunken stupor. Empty promises of gifts that never arrived marred her early memories of the most treasured holiday known to children. Between the booze and a never-ending string of boyfriends, her mother never had time or money enough to deal with the dreams of a young girl, especially one that was beginning to attract the attention of the men she coveted for herself.
As Nikita’s boyish figure developed into the gentle curves of a young woman, life with her mother became more tenuous. After catching one of her boyfriends trying to molest Nikita, her mother had berated the teenage girl for attempting to seduce her boyfriend. Explanations only made matters worse and the argument culminated with her mother’s demand for her to, “get out.” During the next three years, Nikita found that simply having a leak-free roof over her head and place to sleep unmolested was enough to wish for. No, Christmas was nothing out of the ordinary for her; it never had been, probably never would be.
Question: Do I need information at this point about how Nikita ended up in prison, or simply assume the reader is an LFN fan and will know?
The idea that her first pleasant Christmas memory came from the holiday meal served during her short tenure in prison had always struck her as ironic. Lydia, the woman who occupied the cell next to hers had explained that a nearby church provided dinner every year on Christmas as part of a prison outreach program. In later, more prosperous years, Nikita had become an anonymous benefactor of the church, underwriting the costs of providing the annual respite for the inmates.
Question: Again, does Nikita’s induction into Section need to be addressed?
Then, out of the blue, Section One came along; demanding, never satisfied, suck-the-joy-out-of-life Section One. Despite an edict by the Section against gratuitous celebration, there were often small groups of operatives throwing various clandestine parties, especially during the holidays. Though often invited, Nikita rarely attended these gatherings, preferring small, intimate dinners at home with her friends. Walter and Birkoff, probably the only true friends she had in Section, had never turned down an invitation to one of her dinners and on rare occasions, when he felt that the eyes of Section were elsewhere, even Michael would drop by.
Question: Above in the first two sentences, will the second sentence be clear enough if I changed it to “Despite their edict against…”?
A sudden gust of wind drew Nikita rather rudely from her memories of Christmas past. Snuggling down into the warm fur collar of her suede coat, she was only slightly surprised to find herself a block away from the cathedral where she and Michael had often met many years before. As she approached the cathedral, memories of time they had spent in the warm, candle-lit sanctuary flashed through her mind.
She paused for a moment at the foot of the stairs looking up at the large, arched wooden doorway above. For just a moment she considered leaving, but what if… Knowing in her heart that this year would be no different than the past ten, she almost imperceptibly shook her head, called herself a fool and with a wry, half smile on her face began to climb the stone stairs in what had become an annual ritual of sorts for her.
Nikita marveled at the silence of the ancient hinges as the heavy doors swung open; very little had changed inside the softly lit narthex since her last visit. Safe from the bitter wind she unbuttoned her coat and reached deep into her pants pocket. Yes, it was there. She felt a bit like Smeagol with “his precious” as she removed the small treasure and caressed it with the pad of her thumb.
Note: Some of this is feeling a bit clunky and I’m not sure what to do about it. This is probably because my time to write comes in short little spurts. LOL
Last edited by author: Sun February 08, 2004 20:18:25
Edited 1 time.
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A few thoughts...(r) -- Genevieve, 19:48:13 02/09/04 Mon
Firstly, I like it. I like it a lot. *g*
Secondly, I don't think you need to explain N's recruitment to Section, unless you're planning on using this story to convert some non-LFN people.
Then, out of the blue, Section One came along; demanding, never satisfied, suck-the-joy-out-of-life Section One. Despite an edict by the Section against gratuitous celebration, there were often small groups of operatives throwing various clandestine parties, especially during the holidays.
There's a bit of a leap from the advent of Section One in her life to discussing how they celebrate Christas 'in there'. Here's one suggestion:
Then, out of the blue, along came Section One; demanding, never satisfied, suck-the-joy-out-of-life Section One. Despite this, Nikita still found herself celebrating Christmas. In cheerful defiance of Section's edict against gratuitous celebration, there were often small groups of operatives throwing various clandestine parties, especially during the holidays.
I really like the feel of the story overall. Very nice. If you're getting that 'clunky' feeling, then one suggestion I would make is to look at the length of your sentences. I was a BIG writer of run-on sentences when I first started writing, and when I look at them now, I laugh at how I used to try and cram almost a whole paragraph into the one sentence. Shorter sentences can carry a lot more emotional weight, IMHO, so perhaps that's something to keep in mind.
Looking forward to more!
Cheers
Jen
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Re: A few thoughts...(r) -- melinky, 10:04:51 02/10/04 Tue
Jen,
Thanks so much. You addressed perfectly the part I was having so much trouble with. I'll touch it up and see if I can address some of the lengthy sentences.
Melinda
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It was my pleasure...(r) -- Genevieve, 03:17:41 02/11/04 Wed
I'm glad I could help, and I look more to reading more.
Cheers
Jen
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