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Date Posted: 19:48:13 02/09/04 Mon
Author: Genevieve
Subject: A few thoughts...(r)
In reply to: melinky 's message, "The Big Rewrite..." on 20:16:50 02/08/04 Sun

Firstly, I like it. I like it a lot. *g*

Secondly, I don't think you need to explain N's recruitment to Section, unless you're planning on using this story to convert some non-LFN people.

Then, out of the blue, Section One came along; demanding, never satisfied, suck-the-joy-out-of-life Section One. Despite an edict by the Section against gratuitous celebration, there were often small groups of operatives throwing various clandestine parties, especially during the holidays.

There's a bit of a leap from the advent of Section One in her life to discussing how they celebrate Christas 'in there'. Here's one suggestion:

Then, out of the blue, along came Section One; demanding, never satisfied, suck-the-joy-out-of-life Section One. Despite this, Nikita still found herself celebrating Christmas. In cheerful defiance of Section's edict against gratuitous celebration, there were often small groups of operatives throwing various clandestine parties, especially during the holidays.

I really like the feel of the story overall. Very nice. If you're getting that 'clunky' feeling, then one suggestion I would make is to look at the length of your sentences. I was a BIG writer of run-on sentences when I first started writing, and when I look at them now, I laugh at how I used to try and cram almost a whole paragraph into the one sentence. Shorter sentences can carry a lot more emotional weight, IMHO, so perhaps that's something to keep in mind.

Looking forward to more!
Cheers
Jen

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Replies:

[> [> [> Re: A few thoughts...(r) -- melinky, 10:04:51 02/10/04 Tue

Jen,

Thanks so much. You addressed perfectly the part I was having so much trouble with. I'll touch it up and see if I can address some of the lengthy sentences.

Melinda

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[> [> [> [> It was my pleasure...(r) -- Genevieve, 03:17:41 02/11/04 Wed

I'm glad I could help, and I look more to reading more.

Cheers
Jen

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