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Date Posted: 20:16:50 02/08/04 Sun
Author: melinky
Subject: The Big Rewrite...
In reply to: melinky 's message, "I think I'm Ready..." on 17:18:15 01/03/04 Sat

The sun along with the meager warmth it provided, had long abandoned the city allowing the cruel north wind to have free reign over the night. Nikita paid little heed to the plummeting temperature as she wandered aimlessly through the now vacant streets. In the distance, the steady clanging of a church bell marked the arrival of Christmas. While most of the world anxiously awaited gifts wrapped in gaily-colored paper and ribbons, she was anticipating the launch of a new mission and the casualties it would most likely bring.

As a child, she too had dreamed of Christmas and the presents Santa would bring, only to awaken to the harsh reality of life with a mother who spent most of the holiday season in a drunken stupor. Empty promises of gifts that never arrived marred her early memories of the most treasured holiday known to children. Between the booze and a never-ending string of boyfriends, her mother never had time or money enough to deal with the dreams of a young girl, especially one that was beginning to attract the attention of the men she coveted for herself.

As Nikita�s boyish figure developed into the gentle curves of a young woman, life with her mother became more tenuous. After catching one of her boyfriends trying to molest Nikita, her mother had berated the teenage girl for attempting to seduce her boyfriend. Explanations only made matters worse and the argument culminated with her mother�s demand for her to, �get out.� During the next three years, Nikita found that simply having a leak-free roof over her head and place to sleep unmolested was enough to wish for. No, Christmas was nothing out of the ordinary for her; it never had been, probably never would be.

Question: Do I need information at this point about how Nikita ended up in prison, or simply assume the reader is an LFN fan and will know?

The idea that her first pleasant Christmas memory came from the holiday meal served during her short tenure in prison had always struck her as ironic. Lydia, the woman who occupied the cell next to hers had explained that a nearby church provided dinner every year on Christmas as part of a prison outreach program. In later, more prosperous years, Nikita had become an anonymous benefactor of the church, underwriting the costs of providing the annual respite for the inmates.

Question: Again, does Nikita�s induction into Section need to be addressed?

Then, out of the blue, Section One came along; demanding, never satisfied, suck-the-joy-out-of-life Section One. Despite an edict by the Section against gratuitous celebration, there were often small groups of operatives throwing various clandestine parties, especially during the holidays. Though often invited, Nikita rarely attended these gatherings, preferring small, intimate dinners at home with her friends. Walter and Birkoff, probably the only true friends she had in Section, had never turned down an invitation to one of her dinners and on rare occasions, when he felt that the eyes of Section were elsewhere, even Michael would drop by.

Question: Above in the first two sentences, will the second sentence be clear enough if I changed it to �Despite their edict against��?

A sudden gust of wind drew Nikita rather rudely from her memories of Christmas past. Snuggling down into the warm fur collar of her suede coat, she was only slightly surprised to find herself a block away from the cathedral where she and Michael had often met many years before. As she approached the cathedral, memories of time they had spent in the warm, candle-lit sanctuary flashed through her mind.

She paused for a moment at the foot of the stairs looking up at the large, arched wooden doorway above. For just a moment she considered leaving, but what if� Knowing in her heart that this year would be no different than the past ten, she almost imperceptibly shook her head, called herself a fool and with a wry, half smile on her face began to climb the stone stairs in what had become an annual ritual of sorts for her.

Nikita marveled at the silence of the ancient hinges as the heavy doors swung open; very little had changed inside the softly lit narthex since her last visit. Safe from the bitter wind she unbuttoned her coat and reached deep into her pants pocket. Yes, it was there. She felt a bit like Smeagol with �his precious� as she removed the small treasure and caressed it with the pad of her thumb.

Note: Some of this is feeling a bit clunky and I�m not sure what to do about it. This is probably because my time to write comes in short little spurts. LOL

Last edited by author: Sun February 08, 2004 20:18:25 Edited 1 time.

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Replies:

[> [> A few thoughts...(r) -- Genevieve, 19:48:13 02/09/04 Mon

Firstly, I like it. I like it a lot. *g*

Secondly, I don't think you need to explain N's recruitment to Section, unless you're planning on using this story to convert some non-LFN people.

Then, out of the blue, Section One came along; demanding, never satisfied, suck-the-joy-out-of-life Section One. Despite an edict by the Section against gratuitous celebration, there were often small groups of operatives throwing various clandestine parties, especially during the holidays.

There's a bit of a leap from the advent of Section One in her life to discussing how they celebrate Christas 'in there'. Here's one suggestion:

Then, out of the blue, along came Section One; demanding, never satisfied, suck-the-joy-out-of-life Section One. Despite this, Nikita still found herself celebrating Christmas. In cheerful defiance of Section's edict against gratuitous celebration, there were often small groups of operatives throwing various clandestine parties, especially during the holidays.

I really like the feel of the story overall. Very nice. If you're getting that 'clunky' feeling, then one suggestion I would make is to look at the length of your sentences. I was a BIG writer of run-on sentences when I first started writing, and when I look at them now, I laugh at how I used to try and cram almost a whole paragraph into the one sentence. Shorter sentences can carry a lot more emotional weight, IMHO, so perhaps that's something to keep in mind.

Looking forward to more!
Cheers
Jen

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[> [> [> Re: A few thoughts...(r) -- melinky, 10:04:51 02/10/04 Tue

Jen,

Thanks so much. You addressed perfectly the part I was having so much trouble with. I'll touch it up and see if I can address some of the lengthy sentences.

Melinda

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[> [> [> [> It was my pleasure...(r) -- Genevieve, 03:17:41 02/11/04 Wed

I'm glad I could help, and I look more to reading more.

Cheers
Jen

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