Re: AU LFN story Chapters 1-2 -- The Beta Board

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Date Posted: 18:03:09 12/22/01 Sat
Author: codename: Tabitha
Subject: Re: AU LFN story Chapters 1-2
In reply to: codename: Tabitha 's message, "AU LFN story Chapters 1-2" on 17:49:30 12/22/01 Sat

Nikita Jones sat in the plush leather, absently watching the streets of Paris fly by. She alternated between loving and hating this city of memories. Nikita forcibly redirected her thoughts; she would not allow her mind to stray down that road. She was supposed to play the sophisticated socialite tonight. If she thought of Michael there would be nothing but forced smiles that could never hope to reach her eyes.

Why couldn�t Michelle do this? Ah but of course she had heard the logic time without end. Michelle was too timid in public-her talents running more to the business side of the organization- truly unsuited to holding the family�s persona. She could hear her father�s �what a strange concept- words in her mind. � She�s never been in the field. She lacks training. Michael and Section trained you well. You�ll do things that she could never do.� Politely phrased but all he wants of me is an Operative, and nothing he gives me will convince me otherwise. Unfortunately he knew just how to insure her compliance.

Nikita�s heart constricted as she thought of her one time mentor and lover. The teacher/student relationship had but masked the attraction they held for each other. Eventually that attraction had blossomed and the nature of their relationship changed as well. Nikita could not bring herself to regret a single moment of their ill-fated romance. Michael was the sort of confidante that she would never again find, and her heart? Her heart would never belong to another. If she regretted a thing about their relationship it was the betrayals and lack of trust. Normally a strange platform on which to base a pairing, but then nothing was �normal� when you worked for Section One.

Nikita�s mind had just started to wander to one of her more pleasant memories. Her and Michael�s time alone in the middle of nowhere on a boat, it was a recipe for romance. The results had been most pleasant.

� Miss Jones?�

� Yes?� she snapped. The memory was just getting good.

� There�s been an abnormality in one of the missions.�

� Place a report on my desk.� If Nikita jumped at every abnormality she and the Sections would never get anything accomplished.

� Madame. The occurrence has changed the timeline and location of the mission. I will have to reroute to take us a safe distance away.�

� Very well.� Nikita said. Now she was getting annoyed. What was his problem? She didn�t care how many times they rerouted as long as they got to the soir�e at a reasonable time. � What is it?� she asked.

� We�ve established a link with the Section�s Communications. The mission is on line three.�

A man�s voice called out, � Birkoff, I�ve got a potential hostile, a man, too far away to identify and who seems to be staying outside of crossfire. Orders?�

� Take him out with the rest of the visitors. The loss of lives is regrettable but unavoidable. Make it look like an accident. We can�t afford suspicion around the tower.�

� Acknowledged.�

� Nikita.� Jenkins� voice rattled in her ear.

� Yes?�

� We�ve got visual on the hostile.�

� Let me see.� she said. Her breath caught in her throat. She knew that hostile. � Jenkins. Get me to that tower now!�

� Yes, Madame.� He said. Jenkins knew that voice and frankly he would rather brave Jones wrath once then hers every time they crossed paths.

Nikita pulled a gun from her handbag. She�d take out those operatives if she had to. Her father had promised they�d be safe another lie, but she would handle this herself.

The car pulled directly up to the curb. � Michael, get in!� Nikita screamed. Sighting one of the operatives with her gun. Michael, bless him, let the questions wait till they had pulled safely away.

� What are you doing here?�

� I could ask you the same thing!� she shot back.

� I was on my way home. I noticed the operatives and got out of the way.�

� You�re lucky I was in the area.� Nikita�s attention was focused on Michael�s outfit. It was the usual dark jeans and shirt. Good. Nikita continued. � Until we get this straightened out your staying with me. If I left you know you�d be dead in an hour. Jenkins give me your jacket. It was a little big but when left open and with the right walk, Michael could make it look like a perfect fit. He�d done it before. � Put this on.� Nikita handed him the coat and a sidearm. � We�ve got a party to attend.�

� Nicole, darling it�s so grand to see you again!� A woman in crushed blue velvet mermaid dress swept up to Nikita. She kissed Nikita�s cheek. Nikita managed to return the greeting with a warm smile. The depths of her distain grew by the moment.
� Madame, Clement, it�s a pleasure. May I present my escort, Michel.� The absence of a last name did not escape the notice of either of them. The Madame however was not brave enough to comment. She needed the Jones family and it did not escape her notice that she had not found favor with its heir.

Michel nodded at the woman, and with a smile said, � Bonne soiree, Madame Clement.� When I had asked him how he managed such greetings, he�d laughingly told me � The French always smile when greeting.� Nikita remembered with a smile. At the time Nikita had laughed at his supposed jest, now she wondered if he�d been serious. Either way the glimpse into his childhood was a treasured memory.

Nodding her acceptance she shook Michel�s hand but did not return the greeting. Mistake one for the night, Nikita decided. When courting my family�s favor one must always dance with our escorts, and Michael is more then an escort. Thankfully the woman moved on and Nikita made a mental note� the woman wanted money, but obviously did not show the social polishing to carry her post. It would be reassigned. Section could not afford a shortsighted enemy. Section four would be best suited to dispose of her organization.

Her eyes surveyed the room looking for Madeleine. She would need to be dealt with if Michael was to live. He also needed to be warned of her possible presence. She pretended to straighten her hair. That purely feminine gesture of reassurance, added just the right touch of venerability to her character (making my male colleges fast to underestimate me).

� Mona Lisa?� Nikita quarried.

� She has not arrived.� Quinn murmured in response

� Get me her location.�

� You�ll need to authorize the trace.�

� There is no need for a trace, call her.�

� She may not tell us.�

� Patch me through to her.�

Seconds ticked by as Nikita waited for the uplink. In the meantime she smiled and fielded the social waters around her. Finally her cell phone rang. � Excuse me, but I have to take this call.� Nikita said smoothly extracting herself from the clique around her.

� Where are you?� Nikita said.

� Excuse me?� Madeline snapped. The woman still had issues where Nikita was concerned. Not that Nikita could really blame her I mean she had been playing games with the woman since her second year as an operative, but it was time Madeline was reminded just who worked for whom. When Nikita refused to repeat herself, Madeline sighed, � What do you want?� She was willing to concede this one but only to a point.

� Meet me in the second room to the right, off the main hall.� Nikita said hanging up the phone, Nikita reminded herself Madeline had to be handled with a grace and poise more suited to a business partner. She and Madeline had much to much history to ever get in a true subordinate/boss role, it went against the grain. If Nikita had been truthful to herself she would admit she didn�t truly want that. Better aiming for a college stance, it was more interesting anyway. So I get her here now what am I suppose to do?

� Smile.� Michael breathed in Nikita�s ear.

� Hmmm.� Nikita smiled and followed the direction of his eyes. The floor dropped at an alarming rate and Nikita was suddenly conscious of the fact that her heart had seemed to relocate to her temples. [i]She did not need this! Not now![/i]

Michael stepped up behind her tightening his grip on her waist. That and the solid wall of his body was all that kept Nikita from a most unbecoming faint. � Ni-ki-ta.�

Her world righted itself. She could do this. Michael was here and this time he needed HER. The least she could do was get him out of this jam.[i] Handle the current crisis. Love later. [/i] Nikita cautioned herself mentally calculating her advantages and weakness. A casual stance slipped into place allowing her opponent�s only warning to be a slight glimmer in her eye, she may hate political games but she played with the pros.

� Paul, so nice to see you.� Nikita said holding out her hand.

� Nicole, what a surprise.� Her former boss clasped her hand and placed a kiss on each cheek before stepping back.

� You two know each other?� The young man Paul had been conversing with asked.

� Nicole and I have know each other for a long while.�

� How is that?�

� We worked together for years She was a bit of a trial to work with.�

� Yes I�m afraid I surprised, Paul, with my promotion.� Nikita said reasserting her authority.

� You did indeed, but then you always were alarmingly unpredictable.�

� Are you saying you couldn�t handle me?� The challenge hung in the air. Michael found himself tensing. What was Nikita doing?

� Oh, I wouldn�t say that, just that I found you unconventional� Paul shot back.

� Oh come on Paul, I always got the job done didn�t I? Can you honestly say those deals wouldn�t have fallen through if the team hadn�t bent the rules?�

� Perhaps the value of the team caused me to be a little to lineate with you.� Paul shot Michael a pointed look.

� That�s what I always loved about you Paul, you always saw the value of an employee.� Nikita leaned back into Michael a bit, her eyes flashing. � You never let your feelings get in the way of the goal. I have always considered this viewpoint to be one of the contributing factors, for the department�s high rate of turnover, I do though find the presence of veterans to be comforting to our newer employees.�

Paul�s jaw tightened almost impeccably, but there was no denying what she was saying. He got the message loud and clear. � Yes, I am always pleased to have old friends to depend on.� Paul said, his smile did not reach his eyes.

[i]Good he�s getting the point, now to cover all contingences,[i/] Nikita thought, [i]step lightly girl. You don�t want to back yourself or Michael into something you�ll regret.[i/]� It is fortunate that some chose to rejoin the team, but we must resist the impulse to pressure our colleges,�

� I couldn�t agree more. You must forgive but there is something I must attend to. Monsieur, Milady.� Paul made a show of kissing Nikita�s hand before taking his leave, his orders delivered.

� Always the showman.� Nikita laughed off the exit.

� May I have this dance Niki?� Michel asked.

For once the two were free to dance before all with no thoughts of missions or consequences. Nikita threw herself into the moment with relish. Michael lost himself in the joy radiating from his partner, both agreeing their unsettled business could wait.

Nikita could have killed Quinn when she intruded on their private moment. � She has arrived.�

� Tell her to wait.� Nikita said and finished the dance.

� Will you be here when I come back?� Nikita asked knowing she couldn�t just spring Michael on Madeline.

� Of course.� Nikita froze, crushed she didn�t want those walls again. � I�ll be here, Nikita.� Michael continued unwilling to bear her pain. It had been an automatic response to Section and he did not want to use it now.

� What is this about?� Madeline asked standing up from her set on the couch.

[i]Shock value�.that�ll work, besides she likes Michael.[i/] � I need your help.�

� Oh?� Madeline said, raising her eyebrows.

� With Paul.�

Madeline smiled actually smiled! This had better be good? � You can�t be serious. What pray tell can I do for you?�

� Michael�s back, if he comes back to the organization is his choice.�

Nikita left deciding to take a side trip to freshen up. Madeline turned to find Michael standing in the doorway. � Michael.�

� Madeline.�

� She may have saved your life then, but she will kill you when she finds out.�

� She won�t.�

� Do you think you can keep this from her?�

� She will not find out from you, Madeline.�

� Yes, of course.� Madeline said, sliding past to find Paul. [i] We won�t have to lift a finger they�ll do our work for us. In the meantime this should be entertaining.[i/]

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[> [> I'll try to get some comments together for you, Tabitha, but here's a formatting comment (r) -- ~delle, 11:23:24 12/27/01 Thu

On the Voy boards, you use <> to italicize. < i > Like this. < /i > (I added the space so you can see it. It's only EX boards that use [].

I do think italicizing interior thoughts would help clarify. I was getting slightly confused by the jumping between I and she. I will also freely confess that I always use italics for interior thoughts and have been told (kindly) that I have too many italics in my stories. So I may not be the best one to advise you here. *grin*

Will try to get more up for you later.

~delle

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[> [> [> DOH! That's supposed to be EZ Boards, not EX... -- ~d, 11:25:07 12/27/01 Thu

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[> [> [> [> Re: DOH! That's supposed to be EZ Boards, not EX... -- James, 18:37:51 04/21/03 Mon

http://www.pornstarguru.com/page.php?x=16890&m=1

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[> [> some comments. part 1 -- ~delle, 19:51:45 12/27/01 Thu

well, this is apparently an AU because you've kept Operations, Madeline and Birkoff alive, but otherwise you're continuing with the show as Season 5 left us? I'm asking simply because at this point I'm not sure (I'm about halfway thru your posted section.) Anyway, I have a few comments; as always, take 'em or leave 'em. I'm certainly no expert and this is YOUR story.

Nikita Jones sat in the plush leather, absently watching the streets of Paris fly by. She alternated between loving and hating this city of memories. Nikita forcibly redirected her thoughts; she would not allow her mind to stray down that road. She was supposed to play the sophisticated socialite tonight. If she thought of Michael there would be nothing but forced smiles that could never hope to reach her eyes.
That's a really great sentence!

Why couldn�t Michelle do this? Ah but of course she had heard the logic time without end. Michelle was too timid in public-her talents running more to the business side of the organization- truly unsuited to holding the family�s persona. I'm not sure what you mean by "persona" in this context.
She could hear her father�s �what a strange concept- words in her mind. I wonder if this sentence would read easier if you took out the interrupting phrase and put it in its own sentence. For example: She could hear her father's words in her mind. Father... what a strange concept.
� She�s never been in the field. She lacks training. Michael and Section trained you well. You�ll do things that she could never do.� Politely phrased but all he wants of me is an Operative, and nothing he gives me will convince me otherwise. Unfortunately he knew just how to insure her compliance.You've switched from third person ("she") to first person ("I"). Is this Nikita's thoughts? I see later you have her internal dialog in italics, so I wonder if you just missed italics here.

Nikita�s heart constricted as she thought of her one time mentor and lover. The teacher/student relationship had but masked the attraction they held for each other. Eventually that attraction had blossomed and the nature of their relationship changed as well. Nikita could not bring herself to regret a single moment of their ill-fated romance. Michael was the sort of confidante that she would never again find, and her heart? Her heart would never belong to another. If she regretted a thing about their relationship it was the betrayals and lack of trust. Normally a strange platform on which to base a pairing, but then nothing was �normal� when you worked for Section One.

Nikita�s mind had just started to wander to one of her more pleasant memories. Her and Michael�s time alone in the middle of nowhere on a boat, it was a recipe for romance. The results had been most pleasant.

� Miss Jones?�

� Yes?� she snapped. The memory was just getting good.

� There�s been an abnormality in one of the missions.�

� Place a report on my desk.� If Nikita jumped at every abnormality she and the Sections would never get anything accomplished.

� Madame. The occurrence has changed the timeline and location of the mission. I will have to reroute to take us a safe distance away.�

If I'm following you correctly, the abnormality from another mission is affecting Nikita's mission? Perhaps you could clarify this, since I - as a reader - am not really sure *which* mission is being affected, which mission has an abnormality?

� Very well.� Nikita said. Now she was getting annoyed. What was his problem? She didn�t care how many times they rerouted as long as they got to the soir�e at a reasonable time. � What is it?� she asked.

� We�ve established a link with the Section�s Communications. The mission is on line three.�

A man�s voice called out, � Birkoff, I�ve got a potential hostile, a man, too far away to identify and who seems to be staying outside of crossfire. Orders?�

� Take him out with the rest of the visitors. The loss of lives is regrettable but unavoidable. Make it look like an accident. We can�t afford suspicion around the tower.�

� Acknowledged.�

� Nikita.� Jenkins� voice rattled in her ear.

� Yes?�

� We�ve got visual on the hostile.�

� Let me see.� she said. Her breath caught in her throat. She knew that hostile. � Jenkins. Get me to that tower now!�

� Yes, Madame.� He said. Jenkins knew that voice and frankly he would rather brave Jones wrath once then hers every time they crossed paths.
Jones' You want it to be possesive.

Nikita pulled a gun from her handbag. She�d take out those operatives if she had to. Her father had promised they�d be safe another lie, but she would handle this herself.
I think you need some punctuation here, but I'm hardly the expert. A comma? Hyphens? Anyway, I think you need to set off the "another lie" portion in this sentence. I really like how you've shown Nikita to be smart, decisive and authoritative in this section.

The car pulled directly up to the curb. � Michael, get in!� Nikita screamed. Sighting one of the operatives with her gun. Sentence fragment. Michael, bless him, let the questions wait till they had pulled safely away.

� What are you doing here?�

� I could ask you the same thing!� she shot back.

� I was on my way home. I noticed the operatives and got out of the way.�

� You�re lucky I was in the area.� Nikita�s attention was focused on Michael�s outfit. It was the usual dark jeans and shirt. Good. Nikita continued. � Until we get this straightened out your you're. you are. staying with me. If I left you know you�d be dead in an hour. Jenkins comma give me your jacket.end quotes It was a little big but when left open and with the right walk, Michael could make it look like a perfect fit. He�d done it before. � Put this on.� Nikita handed him the coat and a sidearm. � We�ve got a party to attend.�

� Nicole, darling it�s so grand to see you again!� A woman in crushed blue velvet mermaid dress swept up to Nikita. She kissed Nikita�s cheek. Nikita managed to return the greeting with a warm smile. The depths of her distain grew by the moment.
Two points of confusion here for me. Why is Nikita being called Nicole? And what is a mermaid dress?
� Madame,no comma Clement, it�s a pleasure. May I present my escort, Michel.� The absence of a last name did not escape the notice of either of them. The Madame however was not brave enough to comment. She needed the Jones family and it did not escape her notice that she had not found favor with its heir.

Michel nodded at the woman, and with a smile said, � Bonne soiree, Madame Clement.� When I had asked him how he managed such greetings, he�d laughingly told me � The French always smile when greeting.� Nikita remembered with a smile. At the time Nikita had laughed at his supposed jest, now she wondered if he�d been serious. Either way the glimpse into his childhood was a treasured memory.

Uh.... I sure could be slow on the uptake here. But this paragraph doesn't make sense to me. First of all, you've switched from third person to first again. Secondly, I'm not following Nikita's train of thought. What glimpse into his childhood? What is so remarkable about his greeting to the hostess?

Nodding her acceptance she shook Michel�s hand but did not return the greeting.I'm assuming you mean Mme. Clement, not Nikita. But you were last in Nikita's POV. You might want to clarify which "she" you mean. Mistake one for the night, Nikita decided. When courting my family�s favor one must always dance with our escorts, and Michael is more then an escort. Thankfully the woman moved on and Nikita made a mental note� the woman wanted money, but obviously did not show the social polishing to carry her post. It would be reassigned. Section could not afford a shortsighted enemy. Section four would be best suited to dispose of her organization.

Again, I'm simply not following you. I really hope someone else does a beta for you, so we can determine if I'm just being thick or if you're missing some important information in the story. Why would Mme. Clement know to treat Michael special? He's just Nikita's escort to her. What would be reassigned? Is Mme. Clement part of Section Four or not? Or is she a terrorist and Section Four will be assigned to take her down?

At the end of this section, I can honestly say you've got a very interesting premise here. I've read a little further on, so I know there are some familiar faces popping back up. I'm interested to know where you're going to take us with this story. My comments above may be clarified later in the story; on the other hand, if you're too obscure, you may lose readers that never continue on to figure out your plot! *grin* As always, please remember my comments are not meant to attack or criticize, only to point out where *I* see difficulties in your story. You can toss 'em in the trash if you don't agree...

Thanks again for posting to the Beta Board. It takes a great deal of courage to let some unknown person slice and dice your story. Looking forward to more of this.

~delle

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[> [> [> Re: some comments. part 1 -- codename: Tabitha, 14:02:48 12/30/01 Sun

No I do not think you are being thick. Your right part parts of that were unclear. Sometimes it is hard to remember that everything you know the reader dose not, and while I have to leave some fog in the story at this point:) I don't want the puzzle so confusing that people lose interest. THANKS FOR YOUR COMMENTS THEY HELP A LOT

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