some comments. part 1 -- The Beta Board

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Date Posted: 19:51:45 12/27/01 Thu
Author: ~delle
Subject: some comments. part 1
In reply to: codename: Tabitha 's message, "Re: AU LFN story Chapters 1-2" on 18:03:09 12/22/01 Sat

well, this is apparently an AU because you've kept Operations, Madeline and Birkoff alive, but otherwise you're continuing with the show as Season 5 left us? I'm asking simply because at this point I'm not sure (I'm about halfway thru your posted section.) Anyway, I have a few comments; as always, take 'em or leave 'em. I'm certainly no expert and this is YOUR story.

Nikita Jones sat in the plush leather, absently watching the streets of Paris fly by. She alternated between loving and hating this city of memories. Nikita forcibly redirected her thoughts; she would not allow her mind to stray down that road. She was supposed to play the sophisticated socialite tonight. If she thought of Michael there would be nothing but forced smiles that could never hope to reach her eyes.
That's a really great sentence!

Why couldn�t Michelle do this? Ah but of course she had heard the logic time without end. Michelle was too timid in public-her talents running more to the business side of the organization- truly unsuited to holding the family�s persona. I'm not sure what you mean by "persona" in this context.
She could hear her father�s �what a strange concept- words in her mind. I wonder if this sentence would read easier if you took out the interrupting phrase and put it in its own sentence. For example: She could hear her father's words in her mind. Father... what a strange concept.
� She�s never been in the field. She lacks training. Michael and Section trained you well. You�ll do things that she could never do.� Politely phrased but all he wants of me is an Operative, and nothing he gives me will convince me otherwise. Unfortunately he knew just how to insure her compliance.You've switched from third person ("she") to first person ("I"). Is this Nikita's thoughts? I see later you have her internal dialog in italics, so I wonder if you just missed italics here.

Nikita�s heart constricted as she thought of her one time mentor and lover. The teacher/student relationship had but masked the attraction they held for each other. Eventually that attraction had blossomed and the nature of their relationship changed as well. Nikita could not bring herself to regret a single moment of their ill-fated romance. Michael was the sort of confidante that she would never again find, and her heart? Her heart would never belong to another. If she regretted a thing about their relationship it was the betrayals and lack of trust. Normally a strange platform on which to base a pairing, but then nothing was �normal� when you worked for Section One.

Nikita�s mind had just started to wander to one of her more pleasant memories. Her and Michael�s time alone in the middle of nowhere on a boat, it was a recipe for romance. The results had been most pleasant.

� Miss Jones?�

� Yes?� she snapped. The memory was just getting good.

� There�s been an abnormality in one of the missions.�

� Place a report on my desk.� If Nikita jumped at every abnormality she and the Sections would never get anything accomplished.

� Madame. The occurrence has changed the timeline and location of the mission. I will have to reroute to take us a safe distance away.�

If I'm following you correctly, the abnormality from another mission is affecting Nikita's mission? Perhaps you could clarify this, since I - as a reader - am not really sure *which* mission is being affected, which mission has an abnormality?

� Very well.� Nikita said. Now she was getting annoyed. What was his problem? She didn�t care how many times they rerouted as long as they got to the soir�e at a reasonable time. � What is it?� she asked.

� We�ve established a link with the Section�s Communications. The mission is on line three.�

A man�s voice called out, � Birkoff, I�ve got a potential hostile, a man, too far away to identify and who seems to be staying outside of crossfire. Orders?�

� Take him out with the rest of the visitors. The loss of lives is regrettable but unavoidable. Make it look like an accident. We can�t afford suspicion around the tower.�

� Acknowledged.�

� Nikita.� Jenkins� voice rattled in her ear.

� Yes?�

� We�ve got visual on the hostile.�

� Let me see.� she said. Her breath caught in her throat. She knew that hostile. � Jenkins. Get me to that tower now!�

� Yes, Madame.� He said. Jenkins knew that voice and frankly he would rather brave Jones wrath once then hers every time they crossed paths.
Jones' You want it to be possesive.

Nikita pulled a gun from her handbag. She�d take out those operatives if she had to. Her father had promised they�d be safe another lie, but she would handle this herself.
I think you need some punctuation here, but I'm hardly the expert. A comma? Hyphens? Anyway, I think you need to set off the "another lie" portion in this sentence. I really like how you've shown Nikita to be smart, decisive and authoritative in this section.

The car pulled directly up to the curb. � Michael, get in!� Nikita screamed. Sighting one of the operatives with her gun. Sentence fragment. Michael, bless him, let the questions wait till they had pulled safely away.

� What are you doing here?�

� I could ask you the same thing!� she shot back.

� I was on my way home. I noticed the operatives and got out of the way.�

� You�re lucky I was in the area.� Nikita�s attention was focused on Michael�s outfit. It was the usual dark jeans and shirt. Good. Nikita continued. � Until we get this straightened out your you're. you are. staying with me. If I left you know you�d be dead in an hour. Jenkins comma give me your jacket.end quotes It was a little big but when left open and with the right walk, Michael could make it look like a perfect fit. He�d done it before. � Put this on.� Nikita handed him the coat and a sidearm. � We�ve got a party to attend.�

� Nicole, darling it�s so grand to see you again!� A woman in crushed blue velvet mermaid dress swept up to Nikita. She kissed Nikita�s cheek. Nikita managed to return the greeting with a warm smile. The depths of her distain grew by the moment.
Two points of confusion here for me. Why is Nikita being called Nicole? And what is a mermaid dress?
� Madame,no comma Clement, it�s a pleasure. May I present my escort, Michel.� The absence of a last name did not escape the notice of either of them. The Madame however was not brave enough to comment. She needed the Jones family and it did not escape her notice that she had not found favor with its heir.

Michel nodded at the woman, and with a smile said, � Bonne soiree, Madame Clement.� When I had asked him how he managed such greetings, he�d laughingly told me � The French always smile when greeting.� Nikita remembered with a smile. At the time Nikita had laughed at his supposed jest, now she wondered if he�d been serious. Either way the glimpse into his childhood was a treasured memory.

Uh.... I sure could be slow on the uptake here. But this paragraph doesn't make sense to me. First of all, you've switched from third person to first again. Secondly, I'm not following Nikita's train of thought. What glimpse into his childhood? What is so remarkable about his greeting to the hostess?

Nodding her acceptance she shook Michel�s hand but did not return the greeting.I'm assuming you mean Mme. Clement, not Nikita. But you were last in Nikita's POV. You might want to clarify which "she" you mean. Mistake one for the night, Nikita decided. When courting my family�s favor one must always dance with our escorts, and Michael is more then an escort. Thankfully the woman moved on and Nikita made a mental note� the woman wanted money, but obviously did not show the social polishing to carry her post. It would be reassigned. Section could not afford a shortsighted enemy. Section four would be best suited to dispose of her organization.

Again, I'm simply not following you. I really hope someone else does a beta for you, so we can determine if I'm just being thick or if you're missing some important information in the story. Why would Mme. Clement know to treat Michael special? He's just Nikita's escort to her. What would be reassigned? Is Mme. Clement part of Section Four or not? Or is she a terrorist and Section Four will be assigned to take her down?

At the end of this section, I can honestly say you've got a very interesting premise here. I've read a little further on, so I know there are some familiar faces popping back up. I'm interested to know where you're going to take us with this story. My comments above may be clarified later in the story; on the other hand, if you're too obscure, you may lose readers that never continue on to figure out your plot! *grin* As always, please remember my comments are not meant to attack or criticize, only to point out where *I* see difficulties in your story. You can toss 'em in the trash if you don't agree...

Thanks again for posting to the Beta Board. It takes a great deal of courage to let some unknown person slice and dice your story. Looking forward to more of this.

~delle

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[> [> [> Re: some comments. part 1 -- codename: Tabitha, 14:02:48 12/30/01 Sun

No I do not think you are being thick. Your right part parts of that were unclear. Sometimes it is hard to remember that everything you know the reader dose not, and while I have to leave some fog in the story at this point:) I don't want the puzzle so confusing that people lose interest. THANKS FOR YOUR COMMENTS THEY HELP A LOT

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