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You are doing fine. -- Shanola, 21:06:22 04/28/03 Mon
I don't mind what you've said so far. I'm curious to see what else you have to say. Please continue.*g*
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hm. well, I can understand why you're uncomfortable with this story -- ~delle, 09:25:24 04/29/03 Tue
as it is, but I also don't think it reeks as badly as you said in chat the other night! *g*
OK, first thoughts.
Michael heard the voice cutting through the darkness long before his vision cleared. "I see you found him. Very good. How much did it cost us?"
Then another voice, "Five. He got Roberts. "
I think I agree with O here. Using "how many" rather than "how much" might work better. Although using "how much" implies Morgan thinks of his operatives as commodities, rather than people! So it depends on where you're going with him.
The first voice sounded mildly surprised, "Roberts? Well, well! I am impressed"missing punctuation Before him, Michael could make out gray shapes emerging from the dark. A pair of black boots made themselves visible just before a hand grasped his chin and forced his head up. Michael lifted his eyes to where the man's face should be, trying to see his features.
This entire segment reads a little awkward to me. I think you could tighten up the visual descriptions to make it flow better. Does Michael see him, or doesn't he? Perhaps he just sees the flash of white teeth in a smile? You get the idea.
"Michael," the man said and Michael could just make out a smile on the other man's lips, "Welcome to our game. I am afraid you won't find it as much fun as we will, but I'm sure you can appreciate my desire for a challenge. " Dropping Michael's head, the man turned and barked an order, "Chain him! To the wall, my dear fellows, to the wall!" and he began to laugh.
The "dear fellows" seems a little... odd... but I'm reserving judgement until I see more of Morgan. For now, I'm just telling you it kinda jumps out at me.
************
"Hey, Walter," Nikita smiled as she leaned against the wall, hands in the front pockets of her white jeans.
Walter smiled and looked up from the comm unit he was working over, "Hi, sugar. Come to take me up on my latest offer?"
Nikita laughed, looking down and shaking her head. Her smile faded as she raised her eyes. "Walter, have you seen Michael?"
Walter looked surprised. "Not today, I haven't. Why? You think he can give you something I can't?" Nikita pushed herself away from the wall and sauntered over to Walter's table.
As I recall, we were discussing some of your verb choices the other night. I don't mind the "saunter" here, since Nikita is flirting with Walter.
"Now why would I think that?" She propped her chin on her hands as she rested her elbows on the table. Walter eyed the way Nikita's hips thrust out behind her, the jeans conforming tautly to her backside. He looked into her wide blue eyes to find her laughing at him, and smiled again.
"I have no idea. You .' I think you wanted " ... "? Ellipses (? is that what they're called?) don't always translate well from Word to posting to the boards (says she that uses 'em WAAAAY too much) Walter stopped abruptly as Birkhoff bounced into the room.
"Nikita, Madeline wants to see you in her office", he said quickly. Then he turned and was gone. Nikita had no doubt he was in a hurry. He was always in a hurry just before a mission. Sighing, Nikita stood and turned, throwing one last smile over her shoulder as she left Walter to his work. As she made her way to Madeline, she passed by Michael's office. The door was open but the room was empty. Nikita stopped briefly at the window, looking for any trace that he had been there recently. She found none. Continuing on, she let her thoughts wander to Michael. Maybe he had a new recruit, or maybe he was working out himself. She frowned. Those were not things he normally did right before a briefing, but she could never tell what Michael was thinking or why he was doing something. She paused before punching her code into Madeline's security keypad, taking a few deep breaths and clearing Michael from her thoughts. Dealing with Michael was one thing, but Madeline! Madeline was another story requiring a different sort of energy and she wanted to be alert.
This is a lot of "tell" rather than "show". I'm not sure how to fix it, but that's how it feels to me.
Madeline looked up from the computer screen as Nikita stepped through the door. She smiled. "Hello Nikita. Please come in and have a seat." Madeline turned and gestured to indicate one of the two chairs across from her desk. She watched, unsmiling, as the blonde operative warily made her way down the steps and over to the chairs. Madeline turned back to the computer and keyed a sequence as Nikita sprawled herself into a chair. Fitting, Madeline thought and then, Good. You've changed POV. That jarred me, but you know how I am about POV. She is learning to hide her unease. This reads weird to me. Perhaps Madeline's thoughts should be broken into a new paragraph, as if she were speaking? Madeline turned back to Nikita, studying the younger woman intently. "I wanted to speak with you about this mission. It will be very difficult for you. You can't let your guard down for an instant." Now I"m SURE you should have started a new paragraph. *g*
"Well, so far it sounds like every other mission I've been on.", punctuation: do you want a comma or a period? Nikita insolently tossed out the words as she twisted a strand of long blonde hair.
Madeline inclined her head slightly toward the other woman. Well done, she thought, allowing a half smile. Then she carefully blanked her face for the next revelation. "You will be meeting with a man named Morgan. He specializes in extracting information. You may or may not be required to help him do so."
Nikita sat up straight, letting her hair fall from her fingers. "Extracting information. You want me to torture someone? Who?" Nikita narrowed her eyes, trying to read something from Madeline.
"Who,?not sure about this comma. I think it reads better without: Who does not matter. But you're better with punctuation stuff than I am. does not matter",however, I can tell this is an early story of yours! Because your commas are *behind* the quotes, rather than in front where they should be. There's no way you'd make that mistake now. Madeline said as she turned the computer monitor around for Nikita to see. "Morgan has something we want. He has agreed to sell this information to a woman named Josey Callahan, or JC, as she is known." Nikita could see JC on the screen. She was in the White Room, sitting very still in the lone chair. Madeline continued, turning back to study Nikita. "The price exchange involved JC's area of expertise, which is information retrieval. He is expecting her to offer suggestions. As you can see, you look a lot like JC."
Again, this paragraph just "reads" stilted to me. I think the information is all good, it just needs more polishing. What screen? Where did it come from? Perhaps a description of JC?
"Won't Morgan know I'm not JC?" Nikita was very uneasy.
"No. They have never spoken, although Morgan does have a general description of JC. Tall, blonde, and athletic. The deal was set up through a third party who is no longer viable." Madeline's voice was even and business like Business-like I think as she watched Nikita's face form into a frown. She paused for a moment, choosing her next words carefully. "You will have to be creative, Nikita. I know this is not something you will enjoy, but it's necessary as well as unavoidable. " Madeline turned the screen away from Nikita. "You will have to be strong, Nikita."
"I will have to be you!", Nikita spat out the words, hating the fact that they were true.
Madeline stared at Nikita, unblinking. "The mission briefing will be in ten minutes. That will be all." Madeline turned back to the computer, clearly dismissing the younger woman.
Nikita stared at Madeline in disbelief. That will be all? Taking a breath to steady herself, Nikita said, "I don't know how to be creative when it comes to torture. I can't do this, Madeline. And you know it."
Madeline spoke without turning her gaze from the screen. "Use your emotions, Nikita. The rest will fall into place." She turned her head, dark eyes piercing into Nikita, "You will do this and you will do it well. You are dismissed." Madeline didn't raise her voice, but Nikita could feel the steel in the words. Knowing better than to argue at this point, she stood angrily and marched out of the office.
Madeline watched her go. This was going to be an extremely interesting mission.
This interchange between Madeline and Nikita feels very "new writer" to me. I think you've become a much more subtle writer, much more "show" and less "tell" since you've written this. I'd be interested to see how you would handle this scene now.
************
As Nikita took a place at the briefing table, Madeline's words played themselves over in her mind. Use her emotions? I didn't think I was supposed to even have emotions, she thought. What the hell was that supposed to mean? Use her emotions! Don't let my guard down but use my emotions. This should be fun. I've been told that I use way too many italics, as I like to put my internal thoughts in italics to break them out. I'm not saying you should "do as I do", but on the other hand, this paragraph was difficult to read, simply from a "presentation" standpoint. I don't have suggestions, only a gut reaction to share here. There might be another way to format this so that Nikita's internal thoughts and external conversations are more distinct. 'Course I may be full of crap too. *g* Nikita looked over the where the older woman was taking her place at the table, trying to come up with any clue as to what she had meant by those words. Madeline gave nothing away. Nikita's thoughts continued to race as Operations stalked into the room.
Nikita sat up, her eyes following Operations Possessive: Operations' jerky pacing as he began his speech. "I'll make this short and sweet. Nikita will meet with Morgan." Suddenly Operations stopped moving and stood studying the table. There was an empty chair. "Where the hell is Michael!" His annoyance was evident as he turned to Birkhoff. "You DID tell him to be here?"
Birkhoff looked at the older man. "Well, yeah. I gave him the folder last night, just before he left."
Hm. A lot of "older man", "older woman" being used in this section. Just food for thought.
"Has he reported in today?" Operations directed the question to Walter.
Walter glanced over to Nikita before answering. "No. He gave me the inventory last night."
Nikita looked to Madeline. She sat coolly, hands folded on the table as she stared thoughtfully at the vacant chair.
Operations placed both hands on the table, leaning over it to make his anger felt. "This cannot be tolerated." His voice was clipped. "I want Michael found. Now." He looked to an operative standing against the wall as he spat out the last few words. "Do it." The operative silently left.
There was a moment of stunned silence. Nobody even seemed to breathe. Nikita took a breath, ready to defend Michael's absence somehow, when Madeline's smooth voice settled her into silence.
"I think that we shouldn't wait." She waited to continue until she had the full attention of Operations, then turned to meet his cold blue eyes with her own dark pair. POV? We *were* in Nikita's POV at the start; now I'm not sure who's POV we're in. "I'll coordinate this mission. It won't interfere with my other duties and we can continue uninterrupted."
Operations stared into Madeline's unflinching stare. "Good. Then we can get this over with. Nikita will meet with Morgan in two hours ." extra space before period
Nikita listened as Operations outlined the rest of the mission, but she didn't really hear anything he said. Her eyes moved from Madeline to Operations, trying to understand what had just happened. Michael was missing and they were just going to go on?
She didn't realize the meeting was over until Madeline stopped by her chair. "Get moving, Nikita. You need to be wired or you'll be late."
Nikita looked up at Madeline. "Where is he, Madeline." Is this a question or a statement?
Madeline studied the young operative for a moment before answering. "I don't know, but he will be found. There are more urgent matters for you to focus on right now, Nikita. Remember that." She turned, then, and was gone.
In general, you've set up a creepy eerie story here. I have a suspicion I know where you're going and I"m dreading it. I don't think I pointed out anything you didn't already know and most of it is really petty, picky stuff because the "bones" of the story are quite strong. I'll hit the next section later today or tomorrow, OK?
~d
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Heh. It's a little bit... -- Shanola, 21:03:09 04/30/03 Wed
like showing your old underwear in public, I think.
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Walter/Nikita and Nikita/Madeline scenes -- O-Bug, 12:10:03 04/29/03 Tue
************
"Hey, Walter," Nikita smiled as she leaned against the wall, hands in the front pockets of her white jeans.
Walter smiled and looked up from the comm unit he was working over, "Hi, sugar. Come to take me up on my latest offer?" How about letting me feel or sense their smiles by what they say? Some lines of dialogue are best left alone, with no tags (which slows the reader down).
Nikita laughed, looking down and shaking her head. Her smile faded as she raised her eyes. "Walter, have you seen Michael?" I like this sentence - it’s very Nikita. Shows that while she’s worried or distracted, she’ll still take time out for a friend.
Walter looked surprised. Why surprised? (The undercurrents of what both of them are feeling is what’s interesting to me –not their movements or the scene description, which should be secondary.) I think you’ve set this story sometime during Season Two, perhaps during the period when Nikita was icing Michael out after the Jurgen thing. Maybe Walter’s look of surprise is due to N’s unexpected show of concern? Since you don’t say, I have to guess. "Not today, I haven't. Why? You think he can give you something I can't?" Nikita pushed herself away from the wall and sauntered over to Walter's table.
"Now why would I think that?" She propped her chin on her hands as she rested her elbows on the table. Walter eyed the way Nikita's hips thrust out behind her, the jeans conforming tautly to her backside. And this is very Walter. He looked into her wide blue eyes to find her laughing at him, and smiled again.
"I have no idea. You .' Walter stopped abruptly as Birkhoff bounced into the room. If you show the action of an interruption during dialogue, you won’t have to write about it.
“I have no idea. You–”
"Nikita, Madeline wants to see you in her office,” Birkoff said. Etc.
"Nikita, Madeline wants to see you in her office", he said quickly. Then he turned and was gone.
Nikita had no doubt he was in a hurry. He was always in a hurry just before a mission. Why mention this at all? Even if a non-LFN fan were to read this, you indicate Birkoff’s personality very well by his actions.
Sighing, Nikita stood and turned, throwing one last smile over her shoulder as she left Walter to his work. Choose the situations and actions you want to describe judiciously. If you’re describing Nikita sighing, standing, turning, etc., you are missing the opportunity to instead show her unease over Michael’s absence.
As she made her way to Madeline, Unnecessary to say this; it’s evident by what Birkoff said and that she left Walter’s workstation, that she’s on her way to see Madeline.
she passed by Michael's office. The door was open but the room was empty. Nikita stopped briefly at the window, looking for any trace that he had been there recently. She found none.
Continuing on, she let her thoughts wander to Michael. Maybe he had a new recruit, or maybe he was working out himself. She frowned. Those were not things he normally did right before a briefing, but she could never tell what Michael was thinking or why he was doing something. She paused before punching her code into Madeline's security keypad, taking a few deep breaths and clearing Michael from her thoughts. Dealing with Michael was one thing, but Madeline! Madeline was another story requiring a different sort of energy and she wanted to be alert. IMO, there’s too much description and too many thoughts in this paragraph. Break them down (actions/thoughts) and focus on what you really want to show here. (Nikita notes Michael’s empty office and emotionally prepares herself for a meeting with Madeline.)
Madeline looked up from the computer screen as Nikita stepped through the door. She smiled. "Hello Nikita. Please come in and have a seat." Madeline turned and gestured to indicate one of the two chairs across from her desk. She watched, unsmiling, as the blonde operative warily made her way down the steps and over to the chairs. No need to show every movement–it’s understood that Maddy will look up to greet Nikita once N moves past the door. Again, focus on the feelings and let the actions be secondary. What is really taking place here? (Madeline’s getting ready to slam-duck Nikita with another gut-wrenching mission and Nikita knows it. How does their body language reveal this? I don’t see Maddy giving anything away–she’s polite and yet reserved no matter what’s happening, which isn’t really revealing but IS indicative of who she is, but Nikita . . . well, no one ever had any trouble understanding what she was feeling.)
Madeline turned back to the computer and keyed a sequence as Nikita sprawled herself Omit the word HERSELF into a chair. Fitting, Madeline thought and then, Good. She is learning to hide her unease. Wouldn't this have been a thought for Season One Madeline?
Madeline turned back to Nikita, studying the younger woman intently. "I wanted to speak with you about this mission. It will be very difficult for you. You can't let your guard down for an instant." I don’t see Madeline saying these words. Isn’t every mission difficult? Especially those requiring a chat with Maddy beforehand. I also don’t see her in a cheerleading roll (remember Mercy? Maddy knew Nikita was suicidal . . . and let her go anyway).
"Well, so far it sounds like every other mission I've been on.", Since I didn’t hear (read) about what the mission entails, I can’t agree (or disagree) with Nikita that this mission sounds like all the others.
Nikita insolently tossed out the words as she twisted a strand of long blonde hair. I don’t remember seeing or feeling insolence from Nikita after she was brought back in Season Two. After the Jurgen arc, Nikita seemed to toughen up substantially in my mind. I saw her as being unfailingly polite and focused when dealing with Maddy (unlike Season One). I understand she doesn’t want to be there, but I don’t think that’s visible anymore. Maybe you can let us know of N’s feelings by what she’s thinking?
Madeline inclined her head slightly toward the other woman. Well done, she thought, allowing a half smile. I don’t understand what was well done. Then she carefully blanked her face for the next revelation. But isn't Maddy’s face usually blank when discussing missions? Kind of awkward to read, too. "You will be meeting with a man named Morgan. He specializes in extracting information. You may or may not be required to help him do so."
Nikita sat up straight, letting her hair fall from her fingers. "Extracting information. You want me to torture someone? Who?" I don’t see Nikita asking this question–she’s seasoned enough at this point to know which questions to ask and which not to ask, IMO. It really ISN’T important at this point (and you don’t want to imply it IS before it’s time). Nikita narrowed her eyes, trying to read something from Madeline.
"Who, does not matter", Madeline said as she turned the computer monitor around for Nikita to see. "Morgan has something we want. He has agreed to sell this information to a woman named Josey Callahan, or JC, as she is known." Nikita could see JC on the screen. She was in the White Room, sitting very still in the lone chair. Madeline continued, turning back to study Nikita.
New paragraph. "The price exchange involved JC's area of expertise, which is information retrieval. He is expecting her to offer suggestions. Why is Morgan, who also specializes in information extraction, wanting to hire another specializing in this field? And how does he know at this early stage that he’s even going to need more help? It might help if you let readers know how many days later (from when Michael was captured) this meeting with Nikita is taking place. As you can see, you look a lot like JC."
"Won't Morgan know I'm not JC?" Nikita was very uneasy. Nikita won’t have to ask this if you just have Maddy continue to speak.
"No. They have never spoken, although Morgan does have a general description of JC. Tall, blonde, and athletic. What else is there about JC that might make it easy for me to understand why an athletic blond is interested in information extraction? As in background . . . The deal was set up through a third party who is no longer viable." Madeline's voice was even and business like as she watched Nikita's face form into a frown. Reword the last sentence (it’s telling instead of showing) or better yet, omit it completely. I know Maddy is unfailingly and coolly polite and that Nikita might be sitting there frowning.
She paused for a moment, choosing her next words carefully. "You will have to be creative, Nikita. I know this is not something you will enjoy, but it's necessary as well as unavoidable. " I’d suggest omitting Maddy’s second line–unnecessary and understood. Madeline turned the screen away from Nikita. "You will have to be strong, Nikita." When two people are speaking, they rarely address the other by name.
"I will have to be you!", No comma necessary Nikita spat out the words, hating the fact that they were true. It’s not the fact that her words may be true, it’s N’s feelings of horror that interest me. And quite possibly, just her words of having to act like Madeline are enough.
Madeline stared at Nikita, unblinking. "The mission briefing will be in ten minutes. That will be all." Madeline turned back to the computer, clearly dismissing the younger woman.
Nikita stared at Madeline in disbelief. That will be all? Taking a breath to steady herself, Nikita said, "I don't know how to be creative when it comes to torture. I can't do this, Madeline. And you know it." I can see Nikita saying these last two lines of dialogue to Michael, but not to Madeline. After the end of Season One, I just don’t see Nikita willingly making herself vulnerable.
Madeline spoke without turning her gaze from the screen. "Use your emotions, Nikita. The rest will fall into place." She turned her head, dark eyes piercing into Nikita, No comma necessary, suggest omitting the word INTO "You will do this and you will do it well. You are dismissed." Madeline didn't raise her voice, but Nikita could feel the steel in the words. Knowing better than to argue at this point, she stood angrily and marched out of the office.
Madeline watched her go. This was going to be an extremely interesting mission. I’d suggest omitting the last sentence.
************
The previous scene with Madeline and Nikita is one that I felt could be omitted entirely from the story, mainly based on the comments I made throughout. Most of what transpired can be replayed in Nikita’s mind as necessary–perhaps during the briefing that follows, perhaps later.
If you are trying to “set a mood of foreboding” with this scene, I suggest going for brevity (ala LFN). However, I think your opening scene of Michael’s capture is enough warning of what’s to come – too much will spoil the effect you’re after. IMO, you don’t want to reveal the surprise until the last possible moment.
Please understand this is just my opinion, so take it for what it’s worth.
Still doing good for you? Should I continue to slice and dice?
O-Bug
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Still doing fine. -- Shanola, 20:37:01 04/29/03 Tue
If you don't feel comfortable, feel free to stop anytime. I put this up to show how a beta was done and the types of things that can be pointed out. I don't know that I'll actually rewrite this story, though. It's been posted and archived, much to my chagrin. But I think it's healthy for me to remember how far I've come.
And for the most part, the things you are pointing out are things I agree with. So don't stop on my account. =D
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Not gonna rewrite? -- O-Bug, 06:30:02 04/30/03 Wed
Shanola, I don't want you to look at all of my comments and feel overwhelmed or depressed to the point of where you don't even want to look at the story again.
I knew by your opening message that this was an early piece of writing and that you've progressed beyond this point, so would you prefer that I don't critique line-by-line and comment on specifics of your choosing?
~O
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Jumping in here... -- JayBee, 10:28:20 04/30/03 Wed
I won't presume to speak for Shanola, but I got the impression she wasn't really planning on rewriting to begin with. She offered this up as something we could play with so that everyone could see how a public beta would work on this board.
I don't know about anyone else, but I hope you continue with this critique, because it's quite interesting to read! I'm getting a lot out of your (and the other) posts.
That, to me, is the big plus of public betas -- more people get the opporunity to benefit and learn than just the author and beta. As soon as I have a finished product that would be appropriate for this board, I fully intend to come back here and offer it for public slicing and dicing myself.
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Rewriting -- Shanola, 20:17:39 04/30/03 Wed
I did offer this as an example, JayBee is right.
As for rewriting this story, well, I've gone in circles with it for years. Yes, I should rewrite it because I've progressed (I hope!) and it's terrible to have something like this out there. No, I shouldn't rewrite because I've progressed and it's good to have something like this out there.
I'll probably go in circles with it for some time. Heh.
But I'm curious to see what everyone has to say as they beta it. So, O'Bug, please don't stop unless you've decided it isn't worth your time. I think a lot of people are learning a lot from of your beta, though. I know I am.
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Tail end of Part One -- O-Bug, 14:31:41 04/30/03 Wed
(Thanks for your comments, JayBee. I was beginning to feel like the purple people eater. *g*)
~*~*~*~*~*~
As Nikita took a place at the briefing table, Madeline's words played themselves over in her mind.
Use her (my) emotions? I didn't think I was supposed to even have emotions, she thought. Suggest omitting SHE THOUGHT since it’s clear these are her thoughts. What the hell was that supposed to mean? Use her (my) emotions! Don't let my guard down but use my emotions. Repetitive (emotions). However, a writer does have more leeway when it’s actual character thought because people don’t think in grammatically correct language, LOL. This should be fun.
This is a personal preference of mine, but I usually put direct character thoughts into italics so it’s easier to distinguish between omniscient (or third or whatever voice) pov and character pov. Also be careful of your verb tenses. Whichever you choose, past or present, should be consistent throughout.
Nikita looked over the where the older woman was taking her place at the table, trying to come up with any clue as to what she had meant by those words. <— Reads awkwardly. And I guess it also puzzles me that Maddy told Nikita to use her emotions when it comes to extracting information. From what I’ve learned during my own research, it seems the way to go is to make the victim as uncomfortable as possible. Like sleep depravation, shame of appearance in front of the opposite sex, withholding food and water, blasting with sound, keeping the victim in pure dark for long period so they have no sense of time, etc. Basically, any kind of hell you can possibly imagine. (Mine would be spiders. All they’d have to do is to bring out a tarantula and I’d be crying uncle.) Madeline gave nothing away. Nikita's thoughts continued to race as Operations stalked into the room.
Nikita sat up, her eyes following Operations Need an apostrophe after the s to show possession (Operations’)
jerky pacing I’m picturing him walking like a rooster. Is that the image you’re after?
as he began Passive. It’s much more immediate if you just show him talking. his speech.
"I'll make this short and sweet. Nikita will meet with Morgan." Suddenly Operations stopped moving and stood studying the table. There was an empty chair. "Where the hell is Michael!" His annoyance was evident as he turned to Birkhoff. "You DID tell him to be here?"
Maybe it’s me, but I think Ops is too annoyed under the circumstances. Maybe an Ops authority like Debbie Biv or Athena will know better, but I don’t *think* Ops would interrupt his own briefing to wonder where Michael is. I also find it difficult to wonder what Michael’s importance is to the mission (just to coordinate things?) when I’m not even sure what it is that Morgan has that Ops wants so badly.
Birkhoff looked at the older man. "Well, yeah. Not sure if Birkoff is the type to say YEAH to Operations. I gave him the folder last night, just before he left."
"Has he reported in today?" Operations directed the question to Walter. Slows the reader down to read Ops directed question at Walter. You could simply write asked Walter or let the question stand alone and then, when Walter looks at Nikita before answering, show that Ops asked Walter by his act of answering. (But . . . why is he asking Walter? Shouldn’t he be asking Birkoff?)
Walter glanced over to Omit TO, replace with AT Nikita before answering. "No. He gave me the inventory last night."
Nikita looked to Omit TO, replace with AT Madeline. She sat coolly, hands folded on the table as she stared thoughtfully at the vacant chair. With all this looking going on, though, I wonder at the reason. If you’re going to interrupt the story to tell me so-and-so looks at someone, I want a good reason.
Operations placed both hands on the table, leaning over it to make his anger felt. "This cannot be tolerated." Doesn’t sound like something Ops would say, IMO. Especially considering it’s Michael, Section’s exemplary operative. His voice was clipped. "I want Michael found. Now."
He looked to an operative standing against the wall as he spat out the last few words. "Do it." The operative silently left. I’d suggest omitting these three sentences. Doesn’t add anything to the story and nothing is lost if they’re gone.
There was a moment of stunned silence. Nobody even seemed to breathe. Love these two sentences!
Nikita took a breath, ready to defend Michael's absence somehow, when Madeline's smooth voice settled her into silence. A too-fancy way of saying Madeline spoke before Nikita could, IMO. Choose your situations to get wordy judiciously. (Just my preference.)
"I think that we shouldn't wait." She waited to continue until she had the full attention of Operations, Operations’ full attention then turned to meet his cold blue eyes with her own dark pair.
Too wordy. If you want to show tension foiled by Maddy’s cool stillness, focus on body language. But seeing that you follow this paragraph with Ops staring into Maddy’s unflinching stare, I’d let Maddy’s three lines of dialogue stand alone. Not every line of dialogue needs to have a tag or to have description. Some words are and SHOULD be powerful enough to stand alone. "I'll coordinate this mission. It won't interfere with my other duties and we can continue uninterrupted."
Operations stared into Madeline's unflinching stare. Too much staring and looking going on. I know there was a lot of this going on visually on LFN, but a writer has to find a different way of conveying looks that seemed to communicate without words. One way is to use feelings. Remember how you felt when you were a kid and your Mom was giving you what-for and you knew you deserved it? Draw on those feelings. (But I wouldn’t do it here, since I think Ops is just processing Maddy’s advice.) "Good. Then we can get this over with. Nikita will meet with Morgan in two hours ."
Nikita listened as Operations outlined the rest of the mission, but she didn't really hear anything he said. Her eyes moved from Madeline to Operations, trying to understand what had just happened. You've lost me, too. What happened but some kind of staring contest? Michael was missing and they were just going to go on? Well, but didn’t she learn this only too well in the episode RESCUE?
She didn't realize the meeting was over until Madeline stopped by her chair. "Get moving, Nikita. You need to be wired or you'll be late."
Nikita looked up at Madeline. "Where is he, Madeline." No need to say “Madeline” since Nikita looked up at her. However, this question took me by surprise. Does Nikita think Maddy knows where Michael is? (If so, have her think that, don’t make me have to guess.)
Madeline studied the young operative for a moment before answering. "I don't know, but he will be found. I’d omit Maddy’s first line and swing right into the next: There are more urgent matters for you to focus on right now, Nikita. Remember that." She turned, then, and was gone. I’d also suggest omitting the last two sentences. Some of the most powerful scene and/or chapter endings are done with an evocative line of dialogue. And Maddy’s “There are more urgent matters for you to focus on right now,” is such a line because it discounts concern for Michael and Nikita.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Again, please remember that these are just my opinions. See why I only wanted to do a slice a day? *g*
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Muhahahaha.. (r) -- Athena4, 18:15:17 04/30/03 Wed
Just kidding. But ask, and yee shall receive.
I've done this without reading anyone elses - so there might be repeats.
I'm going to ignore the little punctuation problems I'm seeing. (could be typos) I seem to lack the ability to do both punctuation and content at the same time - I think it was the way they divided them in the course I took...
This is all my opinion of course – and you’re quite welcome to ignore me.
God I hope the colours work...
~*~*~*~**~*~*~
Michael heard the voice cutting through the darkness long before his vision cleared. "I see you found him. Very good. How much did it cost us?"
Then another voice, "Five. He got Roberts. "
The first voice sounded mildly surprised, "Roberts? Well, well! I am impressed" Before him, Michael could make out gray shapes emerging from the dark. A pair of black boots made themselves visible just before a hand grasped his chin and forced his head up. Michael lifted his eyes to where the man's face should be, trying to see his features. "Michael," the man said and Michael could just make out a smile on the other man's lips, "Welcome to our game. I am afraid you won't find it as much fun as we will, but I'm sure you can appreciate my desire for a challenge. " Dropping Michael's head, the man turned and barked an order, "Chain him! To the wall, my dear fellows, to the wall!" and he began to laugh.
A couple of things here. First of all, to me at least, there are some paragraphing problems here. It might be purely stylistic, to be honest, I'm not sure what the rules are, but it may read better this way:
The first voice sounded mildly surprised. "Roberts? Well, well! I am impressed"
Before him, Michael could make out gray shapes emerging from the dark. A pair of black boots made themselves visible just before a hand grasped his chin and forced his head up. Michael lifted his eyes to where the man's face should be, trying to see his features.
"Michael," the man said and Michael could just make out a smile on the other man's lips, "Welcome to our game. I am afraid you won't find it as much fun as we will, but I'm sure you can appreciate my desire for a challenge. "
Dropping Michael's head, the man turned and barked an order, "Chain him! To the wall, my dear fellows, to the wall!" and he began to laugh.
This separates the action out a little better. And distinguishes a little better between the man's dialogue and Michael's actions. Plus, I think the paragraphing works out a little better.
Also, you might want to be more specific about where exactly Michael is. Is he on the floor? Is he on a chair with his head down? (thus seeing the shoes) What else does he feel/see other than the people around him? Is the concrete hard below him? If he's in a chair, are the ropes chafing his wrists? Is he tied at all, or just lying there. Yes, Michael would be focused on the people - but other things might attract his attention as well, particularly in his weakened state. Him coming back to consciousness, perhaps feeling things first (concrete, cold, ropes) would be a nice segue into the action too.
************
"Hey, Walter," Nikita smiled as she leaned against the wall, hands in the front pockets of her white jeans.
Walter smiled and looked up from the comm unit he was working over, "Hi, sugar. Come to take me up on my latest offer?"
Nikita laughed, looking down and shaking her head. Her smile faded as she raised her eyes. "Walter, have you seen Michael?"
Walter looked surprised. "Not today, I haven't. Why? You think he can give you something I can't?" Nikita pushed herself away from the wall and sauntered over to Walter's table.
Surprised? Why? What’s he surprised at? He knows how Nikita feels about Michael? Maybe he’d be concerned? About Michael? While we’re on feelings, is Nikita worried? Or is this just a casual question? Her smile has faded, but what is she feeling – this is her POV, try and get inside her head more.
"Now why would I think that?" She propped her chin on her hands as she rested her elbows on the table. Walter eyed the way Nikita's hips thrust out behind her, the jeans conforming tautly to her backside. He looked into her wide blue eyes to find her laughing at him, and smiled again.
Hrm. Okay, whose POV is this exactly? Is Nikita watching Walter eye her? Or is this Walter eyeing her? I remember you drilling POV into my head – don’t forget to be clear.
"I have no idea. You .' Walter stopped abruptly as Birkhoff bounced into the room.
"Nikita, Madeline wants to see you in her office", he said quickly. Then he turned and was gone. Nikita had no doubt he was in a hurry. He was always in a hurry just before a mission. Sighing, Nikita stood and turned, throwing one last smile over her shoulder as she left Walter to his work. As she made her way to Madeline, she passed by Michael's office. The door was open but the room was empty. Nikita stopped briefly at the window, looking for any trace that he had been there recently. She found none. Continuing on, she let her thoughts wander to Michael. Maybe he had a new recruit, or maybe he was working out himself. She frowned. Those were not things he normally did right before a briefing, but she could never tell what Michael was thinking or why he was doing something. She paused before punching her code into Madeline's security keypad, taking a few deep breaths and clearing Michael from her thoughts. Dealing with Michael was one thing, but Madeline! Madeline was another story requiring a different sort of energy and she wanted to be alert.
The above is a VERY long paragraph, and, especially because of the dialogue, you may want to separate it a little better. Perhaps:
"Nikita, Madeline wants to see you in her office", he said quickly. Then he turned and was gone. Nikita had no doubt he was in a hurry. He was always in a hurry just before a mission.
Sighing, Nikita stood and turned, throwing one last smile over her shoulder as she left Walter to his work. As she made her way to Madeline, she passed by Michael's office. The door was open but the room was empty. Nikita stopped briefly at the window, looking for any trace that he had been there recently. She found none.
Continuing on, she let her thoughts wander to Michael. Maybe he had a new recruit, or maybe he was working out himself. She frowned. Those were not things he normally did right before a briefing, but she could never tell what Michael was thinking or why he was doing something. She paused before punching her code into Madeline's security keypad, taking a few deep breaths and clearing Michael from her thoughts. Dealing with Michael was one thing, but Madeline! Madeline was another story requiring a different sort of energy and she wanted to be alert.
It’s still pretty wordy and contains an awful lot of “telling” and not “showing”, but it reads a little easier. Not so many topics shoved into one paragraph anymore. You might want to consider a revamp, and “show” me more. Rather than telling me Nikita was looking in the window, tell me what she saw, and WHY that meant Michael hadn’t been there. Michael is immaculate anyways (or at least I always assumed he was)… What would be out of place? How could she tell? Rather than telling me that she “let” her thoughts turn to Michael – just let them flow there. What is she thinking about him? How does she know? What is she feeling?
Is she nervous about her meeting with Madeline? What sort of energy does Madeline take? Why does she need to be alert. Can she push her thoughts of Michael away so easily? Is she worried about giving too much away to Madeline?
Madeline looked up from the computer screen as Nikita stepped through the door. She smiled.
Maybe combine these two sentences. “Smiling, Madeline looked up from her computer screen as Nikita stepped through the door.”
On the other hand – you switched POVs here, and it’s a little jarring. If you’re going to have these two scenes (Nikita/Walter and Nikita/Madeline) flow into one (with Nikita walking in between) you need to stay in one POV. If you need Madeline’s POV for this particular part of the scene, you might want to consider making it an entirely new scene – subtracting Nikita’s trip past Michael’s office. Or, subtract the Walter portion, making her trip to Madeline’s office her purpose for being in Section. Whatever you choose – you want to watch your POV. Stick with one, don’t switch mid-scene.
"Hello Nikita. Please come in and have a seat." Madeline turned and gestured to indicate one of the two chairs across from her desk. She watched, unsmiling, as the blonde operative warily made her way down the steps and over to the chairs.
When did she stop smiling? New paragraph here too, I think.
Madeline turned back to the computer and keyed a sequence as Nikita sprawled herself into a chair. Fitting, Madeline thought and then, Good. She is learning to hide her unease. Madeline turned back to Nikita, studying the younger woman intently. "I wanted to speak with you about this mission. It will be very difficult for you. You can't let your guard down for an instant."
It could be me. But I’m finding Madeline too talkative. Of course, this was probably Season 1 or 2 right? Madeline, to me, is like Michael. She uses as few words as possible to state her case. She also doesn’t call people into her office without reason – and it’s generally a mission – so I don’t think she’d say “I want to speak to you about this mission.” Nor do I think she’d care how difficult it would be for Nikita. Or at least not state her concern TO Nikita. Again, this may be a personal thing – we all know I have my own particular opinions about Madeline.
"Well, so far it sounds like every other mission I've been on.", Nikita insolently tossed out the words as she twisted a strand of long blonde hair.
Madeline inclined her head slightly toward the other woman. Well done, she thought, allowing a half smile. Then she carefully blanked her face for the next revelation. "You will be meeting with a man named Morgan. He specializes in extracting information. You may or may not be required to help him do so."
This is better. Madeline is saying only what she needs. Question: Since you’ve switched to Madeline’s POV – why is she so impressed with Nikita? She’s obviously come far, but is Madeline proud? Does she feel she can take credit? Is it Michael’s doing? You don’t need to answer this, but I’m curious. Madeline doesn’t give compliments easily either – perhaps even in her head. Is her respect for Nikita growing?
Nikita sat up straight, letting her hair fall from her fingers. "Extracting information. You want me to torture someone? Who?" Nikita narrowed her eyes, trying to read something from Madeline.
POV switch. How does Madeline know Nikita is trying to read her?
"Who, does not matter", Madeline said as she turned the computer monitor around for Nikita to see. "Morgan has something we want. He has agreed to sell this information to a woman named Josey Callahan, or JC, as she is known."
New paragraph here.
Nikita could see JC on the screen. She was in the White Room, sitting very still in the lone chair. Madeline continued, turning back to study Nikita. "The price exchange involved JC's area of expertise, which is information retrieval. He is expecting her to offer suggestions. As you can see, you look a lot like JC."
You’ve switched POV again. Nikita or Madeline?
“The price exchange involves JC’s area of expertise…” What? I’m confused.
"Won't Morgan know I'm not JC?" Nikita was very uneasy.
Is Madeline seeing this? Or is Nikita feeling it? I don’t deny that Madeline would be able to tell that Nikita was uneasy – but whose POV is this exactly?
"No. They have never spoken, although Morgan does have a general description of JC. Tall, blonde, and athletic. The deal was set up through a third party who is no longer viable." Madeline's voice was even and business like as she watched Nikita's face form into a frown. She paused for a moment, choosing her next words carefully. "You will have to be creative, Nikita. I know this is not something you will enjoy, but it's necessary as well as unavoidable. " Madeline turned the screen away from Nikita. "You will have to be strong, Nikita."
POV again. Plus, you’re suffering from Chatty!Madeline again. Madeline doesn’t justify Section’s actions. There is no question. Any orders are “necessary”. I’m wary about her prompting Nikita to “be strong” as well. But, chiefly, this is YOUR Madeline, not mine, and as I said earlier, it’s probably Season 1 or 2 Madeline, who was more forthcoming, and more maternal.
"I will have to be you!", Nikita spat out the words, hating the fact that they were true.
Ahhh. I like this. Everyone’s WORST nightmare. To become someone they hate. Someone whose actions are unsavory. I like Nikita’s reaction too. Good!!
Madeline stared at Nikita, unblinking. "The mission briefing will be in ten minutes. That will be all." Madeline turned back to the computer, clearly dismissing the younger woman.
POV again – but since I don’t know who you’ll finally choose. Why is Madeline unblinking? She is offended? Angry? Does she understand why Nikita said what she did? Does she feel sorry for her?
Nikita stared at Madeline in disbelief. That will be all? Taking a breath to steady herself, Nikita said, "I don't know how to be creative when it comes to torture. I can't do this, Madeline. And you know it."
Madeline spoke without turning her gaze from the screen. "Use your emotions, Nikita. The rest will fall into place." She turned her head, dark eyes piercing into Nikita, "You will do this and you will do it well. You are dismissed." Madeline didn't raise her voice, but Nikita could feel the steel in the words. Knowing better than to argue at this point, she stood angrily and marched out of the office.
Ahh yes! The steel of Madeline’s words. Excellent description of her tone. But, given Nikita’s defiant tone ( “And you know it” says defiance to me.) you might have the steely tone come out earlier – and then have her give the advice. Just a suggestion – feel free to ignore me:
“You will do this, and you will do it well.” Madeline didn’t raise her voice, but Nikita could feel the steel in her words. Her tone softened minutely, barely enough to notice. “Use your emotions, Nikita. The rest will fall into place.”
Madeline watched her go. This was going to be an extremely interesting mission.
POV again.
************
As Nikita took a place at the briefing table, Madeline's words played themselves over in her mind. Use her emotions? I didn't think I was supposed to even have emotions, she thought. What the hell was that supposed to mean? Use her emotions! Don't let my guard down but use my emotions. This should be fun. Nikita looked over the where the older woman was taking her place at the table, trying to come up with any clue as to what she had meant by those words. Madeline gave nothing away. Nikita's thoughts continued to race as Operations stalked into the room.
I noticed this a few paragraphs back as well, but it really stood out here – you might want to find a way to distinguish “thoughts” from the remainder of the paragraph. I think, generally, people use italics. I know I do. Particularly when you shift from “her” to “I”. It throws your readers for a loop.
As Nikita took a place at the briefing table, Madeline’s words played themselves over in her mind. Use her emotions? I didn’t think I was supposed to even have emotions, she thought. What the hell was that supposed to mean? Use my emotions!….
Etc
Nikita sat up, her eyes following Operations jerky pacing as he began his speech. "I'll make this short and sweet. Nikita will meet with Morgan." Suddenly Operations stopped moving and stood studying the table. There was an empty chair. "Where the hell is Michael!" His annoyance was evident as he turned to Birkhoff. "You DID tell him to be here?"
Was she slouching? Or did she just sit up straighter?
Jerky pacing? In his words? Or his movements? Either way, why was Operations pacing jerky? Does he seem upset?
There was an empty chair.
Whose POV is this?
Now, my initial reaction was to think Operations would never stop a briefing for an absence. He would continue on, and kick the person’s ass later. BUT, Michael, being the team leader, is VERY important. He definitely would have reacted to his absence, but I think he would have noticed it before hand. A lone operative from Michael’s team might go unnoticed – hell, Operations might not even know what operatives were ON the team – but Michael would have been noticed right out. As for the rest of the reaction – Operations doesn’t yell without reason – and he’s usually pretty wound up first. Unless this mission has him especially upset (which you haven’t told me), there’s no reason for him to react with a yell to begin with. Anger in his voice, yes, but an outright yell, no. A simple, harsh, “Where’s Michael?”. And he would never, I don’t think, question whether Michael had been told to be at a briefing. Mistakes like that DO NOT happen in Section. Blame, I think, would fall immediately to Michael.
Birkhoff looked at the older man. "Well, yeah. I gave him the folder last night, just before he left."
"Has he reported in today?" Operations directed the question to Walter.
The question would have been directed to Madeline, more likely, not Walter. No one “reports” to Walter in that sense. Then open the question wider to the whole group, and have Walter reply.
Walter glanced over to Nikita before answering. "No. He gave me the inventory last night."
Nikita looked to Madeline. She sat coolly, hands folded on the table as she stared thoughtfully at the vacant chair.
POV again.
Operations placed both hands on the table, leaning over it to make his anger felt. "This cannot be tolerated." His voice was clipped. "I want Michael found. Now." He looked to an operative standing against the wall as he spat out the last few words. "Do it." The operative silently left.
And QUICKLY I would think. Sounds to me like he’s wandering casually up the halls looking. He’d been running like a bat out of hell if Operations used that tone with him. The only person who doesn’t flinch when he does is Madeline.
There was a moment of stunned silence. Nobody even seemed to breathe. Nikita took a breath, ready to defend Michael's absence somehow, when Madeline's smooth voice settled her into silence.
"I think that we shouldn't wait." She waited to continue until she had the full attention of Operations, then turned to meet his cold blue eyes with her own dark pair. "I'll coordinate this mission. It won't interfere with my other duties and we can continue uninterrupted."
Operaations wouldn’t have waited for Madeline to see this. He would have replaced Michael right away. Yes, Michael is important, but the mission is ALWAYS, ALWAYS more important. He would either of asked Madeline right off to take over, or “promoted” someone from the team.
You’re also suffering from Chatty!Madeline again. Say more in less words. She never explains herself – not in public anyways – so I think “it won’t interfere…” is unnecessary.
Operations stared into Madeline's unflinching stare. "Good. Then we can get this over with. Nikita will meet with Morgan in two hours ."
Nikita listened as Operations outlined the rest of the mission, but she didn't really hear anything he said. Her eyes moved from Madeline to Operations, trying to understand what had just happened. Michael was missing and they were just going to go on?
YES!!!! I like Nikita’s confusion here. Life goes on, and she just doesn’t get it. And so it should be. Section is not a simple place. Plus, her feeling for Michael get in the way. Excellent.
She didn't realize the meeting was over until Madeline stopped by her chair. "Get moving, Nikita. You need to be wired or you'll be late."
Nikita looked up at Madeline. "Where is he, Madeline."
Madeline studied the young operative for a moment before answering. "I don't know, but he will be found. There are more urgent matters for you to focus on right now, Nikita. Remember that." She turned, then, and was gone.
POV again.
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Thank you very much -- Swatkat, 05:22:03 05/01/03 Thu
Shanola,O-Bug,Jaybee and Athena4.I'm really learning a lot from this.
This board is really a brilliant idea-I wonder why so fiew people use it.When I have my WiP ready,I'll certainly post it here for beta-reading.*s*
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The WHOLE Michael/Morgan scene (board burp) -- O-Bug, 14:16:50 05/01/03 Thu
Focus- Part 2
************
Cold water poured down, running over his naked back and splashing at his feet.
Cold water ran down his naked back and splashed at his feet. (Stay away from using ing as much as possible; it makes your verbs passive.)
Michael clenched his sore muscles, trying Omit TRYING to keep himself Omit HIMSELF from shivering for even a moment. Suggest omitting FOR EVEN A MOMENT.
Michael clenched his muscles to keep from shivering.
The salt in the water stung the deep welts crisscrossing his back. He raised his head, Suggest omitting RAISED HIS HEAD since you say HE LOOKED UP looking LOOKED up at his shackled hands. You can omit THEY WERE and just continue the action.
But there’s that looking thing again. How about omitting the looking part all together and saying his hands were shackled to a chain above his head, that the chain was only low enough to allow his toes to touch the floor?
They were encased in heavy manacles and chained, keeping his toes barely touching the ground. His fingers were numb. He strained, trying to move his fingers in a pattern Omit IN A PATTERN to get the blood flowing but it was no use. Suddenly, Omit SUDDENLY, just show the action happening. his body gave in to the cold and he trembled violently. Dropping his head again, Michael began to count, first in French to a hundred, then English, then Chinese. I think it’d be neat to see the first few numbers in French–that way I feel like I’m there and not so much like it’s a writer telling me what Michael’s doing. He continued this way, switching from easy languages to the more difficult, eventually coming back to French. He was still cold, but he wasn't shivering so much now.
One of my research books talks about body temperature monitoring. I’ll have to paraphrase because the book isn’t with me now, but it talked about training an operative to THINK about warmth, to FEEL it begin at the fingertips, move though the fingers to the hand, wrist, up the arms, etc., until the operative WAS warm.
"Michael. How are you?" The voice was Omit WAS dripping DRIPPED, no ing with sarcasm.
New paragraph. Michael raised his head again, opening bloodshot eyes to study his captor. It reads better if you just say Michael studied his captor. and then follow that by letting me see if the captor has a big nose, bushy eyebrows, or a big stupid grin. It’s an invitation of sorts when you say so-and-so looks at whomever. Don’t leave me hanging!
New paragraph. "Do you like the sea? I always have. Salt water is so cleansing." Michael tried to turn his head, to follow the voice Instead of the voice, how about the man, or whatever label Michael’s given him? that was moving MOVED around behind him. Omit either AROUND or BEHIND.
Every movement is going to be a killer, so why does Michael turn his head to follow the man (not the voice, by the way)? If it’s important to Michael about how Morgan perceives him, I’d like to know and to know why.
What follows of the rest of this scene (of your work) was a huge paragraph of action, thoughts and dialogue that should be broken up into smaller paragraphs. Even though Morgan is the only speaker, you’re including Michael’s thoughts and actions by both. Whenever you introduce a new thought (whether it’s action or thought by the same character, but especially when it IS by a different character), you need a new paragraph. There are exceptions and bending of rules, but it’s mainly a stylistic issue and I think it’d be confusing to go into that.
In any case, I’ve broken up the block into paragraphs of my own choosing. *g*
"My, my. Your back is a mess, dear boy." He (Omit HE and add MICHEL so I don’t have to figure out which HE you’re referring to.) flinched as a hand began to trace one of the deep grooves the whip had opened. "Hmmm. Yes, this one is quite deep." The hand moved down a bit, a finger pulling at the sore. This is really sick. And I guess that would be a good thing if one was into this graphic kind of description . . .
New Pargraph. "At least the water washes the blood away. And the cold should help numb the pain some. Although all this salt could cause dehydration. Maybe a little bit of hypothermia."
Since your next to the last sentence talks about salt causing dehydration, it seems by the last sentence that salt also causes hypothermia. (You’re missing a subject in your last sentence, which is a fragment.) If you use fragments, they should continue the thought introduced by the previous sentence or paragraph. (But does salt water on your body really cause dehydration? I honestly don’t know.)
The voice was close to his ear now, the hand moving up and down his back, opening the welts and causing warm blood to mix with the water. (Gross!) Get rid of the words ending in ing. "What do you think, Michael? Hmmm? Thirsty?"
Michael clenched his teeth, fighting to keep his breathing normal, and the shivering at a minimum. Then the hand dropped away as the man stepped around from behind him. Meeting his eyes, Michael studied the face behind the voice. Well, I wish I could see what Michael’s seeing. *g* (I think . . .)
"Water, water everywhere and all the boards did shrink. Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink. The Rime of the Ancient Mariner. Very fitting. Don't you agree, Michael? Water, water everywhere? But you can't drink it, because it's sea water. What a shame. I'm sure you are very thirsty too. It's been, what? At least 2 two days? Maybe 4 four ? I believe numbers ten and under are spelled out. Or has it only been hours?"
The man smiled again. I’d rather see him do something else. Finger his chin, fold his arms, see his expression cloud over at Michael’s stubborn silence. "I have water for you, Michael. All you have to do is tell me your name. That's not so bad, is it? After all, I already know it. I just want to hear you say it and then you can have some water to wash that metallic, blood taste from your mouth. Maybe soothe your throat a little?"
Too much dialogue without a break for thought, feelings or movement, things that also breathe life into a story. When most people talk, they don’t just stand there like a statue. Some people use broad gestures, some peoples eyebrows go up and down, there’s pausing, throat clearing, you name it. (There’s also too much repetition of the word water, which makes me want to pop Morgan a good one.)
About the say your name, Michael and Michael’s reluctance to do so . . . I vaguely remember reading in one of my research materials about maintaining silence, that it’s a form of control (in this case, probably the victim’s only form of control). At the time the interrogator is trying to break down the victim by making him talk, the victim is trying to counter the interrogator’s position of power by NOT giving him what he wants in order to feel a small measure of confidence to KEEP holding out (which is imperative for the victim). But not everyone will know about this and if you don’t mention the reason for Michael’s stand, it comes across rather silly, IMO.
Michael stared unwavering, watching as the smile melted away and the face became as hard as stone. "No. I didn't think so." Stared or watched, pick one. Suggest getting rid of BECAME (passive). Better yet, just say Michael watched Morgan’s expression turn to stone.
The man turned and signaled to the darkness. Unless he’s a supernatural being, the darkness isn’t going to do squat for him. *g* I’d suggest omitting the first sentence entirely and beginning with this one: Two men stepped forward from If you omit FORWARD FROM, you can add OUT OF the shadows. "You have your time. Just don't kill him or break his jaw. He must be able to speak. Understood?"
If you omit Morgan’s first line about time, the word JUST and UNDERSTAND, you have quite a sinister mood going with an economy of words (a case where less is definitely better because it leaves all sorts of images in the reader’s mind):
“Don’t break his jaw. I want him able to speak.”
The silent men nodded. "Good. Tell me when you're done." The man walked crisply away without looking back. I’d omit these four sentences entirely. Follow with Michael’s focus. Very dramatic!
Michael began to count again, backwards this time, as the two men stepped forward.
************
How're you holding up, Shanola? Do you want to murder me yet?
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Apologies for interrupting the beta, but (r) -- JayBee, 09:42:37 05/06/03 Tue
there was one thing that struck me as a little odd. You wrote:
***Shanola: Cold water poured down, running over his naked back and splashing at his feet. O-bug: Cold water ran down his naked back and splashed at his feet. (Stay away from using ing as much as possible; it makes your verbs passive.)***
I might be misunderstanding you here, but are you criticizing the original wording as being in passive voice? If so, that wouldn't be accurate: the "ing" forms used here are active, not passive. (The "actor" is the water.) That particular "ing" construction is used (now *that's* passive, LOL) to convey simultaneity of actions. That is, the water ran and splashed *at exactly the same time* that it poured. Sometimes, this construction adds a nice vividness to writing, although some writers can overuse it. Personally, I think it works rather well in this particular sentence, although your revision is also nice.
Just my two cents -- and sorry if I misinterpreted what you were saying.
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Thanks for bringing that up, JayBee (r) -- Nell, 10:00:38 05/06/03 Tue
I'd been wondering about the same thing; if O-bug meant 'passive voice' - for as you pointed out, Shanola's construction of this sentence was in 'active voice,' 'voice' being the relationship of the subject to the verb - or if O-Bug was making a more personal comment about taste with regards to prefered verb tenses.
Both sentences are nice. Like Jaybee, I think I would lean towards the vividness of Shanola's, but the spare, lean, flat quality of O-Bug's shorter, tighter version is very true to the mood of LFN. Which is to be preferred in this case all depends on the overall style of the piece, I think.
Nell
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What caught my attention ... -- O-Bug, 12:45:38 05/06/03 Tue
... about the opening sentence was the act of water pouring down from a nameless source. That's what really bothered me now that I've looked at it again. I like to see things as they happen when I'm reading, and I'd prefer that the story characters reveal the action, not the writer. I want to forget that I'm reading when I'm reading.
However, when I saw the two ing words, that's what I focused on. I was taught to avoid words ending in ing and ly as much as possible because words ending with these suffixes tend to come across as passive. And yes, that is my opinion. *g*
But, do you know what? I've been hesitant to offer more feedback in the event my comments are keeping others from stepping up to the plate. I don't want my opinions to be the only ones aired.
And like I said in my first feedback bit to Shanola, I think she came up with a great idea. But I also feel like a heel because my feedback indicates that there's a lot more work to be invested, when it appears others may not feel that way.
What else are we to make of the silence? Are people really this afraid to offer critique? And do I look bad because I'm offering it?
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Not everyone (r) -- Athena4, 15:47:25 05/06/03 Tue
Is experienced at Beta-ing, nor is everyone interested in it beyond it being a learning experience to see what beta-readers do. Beta reading is a challenge, and a trial, it's not everyone's cup of tea.. just like writing isn't everyone's cup of tea.
Personally, I haven't found the time to tackle the other two sections, but I do plan to get back to it.
Plus, a lot of people don't read with a "critical" eye. Sometimes its hard to look beyond the excitment of the story and see the potential problems. A lot of people read just for pleasure, and nothing else. So asking them to beta read is asking them to use a part of their mind that they may prefer not to when reading.
There might also be some fear involved. Shanola is an established writer, who has been writing in LFN for several years (although she's been quiet recently). People might fear they'll insult her, or that their comments will be laughed at because they're not "up to standard".
This might be a good example of the "niceness" of LFN fandom. A lot of people might not be willing to "hurt her feelings.
You're not a "heel", nor do you "look bad" for participating. Shanola asked for honest feedback, well aware that some of it might sting. This was her first story, it wasn't perfect - I'm positive that most of us can say that about our first stories.
Don't feel bad about it.
You're participating - this is what Shanola wanted. You've also started some "critical" feedback of your own in people's responses to your betas. It shows a great deal about the subjectivity of beta-reading. Of particular styles etc.
Looking back at my beta, and at yours.. we grasped onto different things. That's just the way is. That's why sometimes, more than one beta is helpful as well. Some people are simply more focused on grammar, others on plot, others on tone.
It's a learning experience. For all of us.
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Um...what Athena said.*g* -- Shanola, 17:46:24 05/06/03 Tue
I agree with what Athena said.
The second part of this, naturally, is the rewriting stage. I still debate on that, but I'm leaning toward rewriting. I'd like to have the entire beta process up there. Some of the changes that have been suggested, I'll take, and some I won't. But all of them have made me think and look critically at the story. That's what a beta is about.*g*
But I don't want to start rewriting until the beta is complete. So please continue. =D
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I'm enjoying the betas, even though I'm not doing one myself... -- JayBee, 18:58:06 05/06/03 Tue
I think Athena explained better than I could why more people aren't offering feedback here. I would only add one more reason (which is the primary one that applies to me): the betas that others (you, ~delle, Athena) have done have, in combination, pretty much covered any topics I would have raised. It's been a lot of fun reading them, and I hope that my (and others') silence hasn't been interpreted as lack of interest.
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First part -- O-Bug, 13:49:02 05/07/03 Wed
************
"Any word on Michael's location?" Operations was standing in the observation room The perch? looking down on a new recruit. Madeline turned to look at the same recruit before answering. Why are the two of them so interested in a new recruit? I don’t think you want me focusing on a new recruit, but you’ve made this person the focus by the attention Maddy and Ops are giving the person.
"There were signs of a struggle at his home. I think it's safe to assume that his location was compromised and he has been taken." And now I’m wondering if this is the home with Elena and Adam, but that’s only because I’ve seen all five episodes.
This caused Suggest omitting THIS CAUSED; let actions speak for themselves. Ops to quickly look at Madeline. "Then you don't think he's out there on his own." I don’t understand how Maddy’s answer lead to Ops’ question, nor do I totally understand what he’s asking. Madeline moved her gaze to the blonde operative who had just walked into view. Nikita, right? (Why not say so, since it appears by reading on, that the blond op is Nikita?) And why are you interrupting Maddy and Ops’ conversation to say Maddy moves her gaze to Nikita? Does Maddy see something unusual? Think something unusual? There should be a reason, IMO.
I know it seems I’m being awfully nit-picky here, but telling a story is a different medium than seeing all of those *heavy looks* on TV that easily communicate feelings. If something’s going on, the writer has to show what’s going on. Just writing that Maddy moved her gaze to the blond operative (Nikita) isn’t enough because it doesn’t tell me anything, move the story forward, or add suspense.
"No. Michael's loyalty shouldn't be questioned at this point." Why does Ops suspect Michael of disloyalty? Until the end of the episode MERCY, wasn’t Michael the epitome of a perfect operative? If Ops has any leftover feelings of doubt about how Michael and Nikita pulled one over on him when M brought N back in, I think they would lend credence to his feelings of suspicion here. She turned to face Ops. "He has no reason to attempt liberation at this time. We should concentrate on why he was taken. And by whom." Seems as if even Maddy can’t understand Ops’ reasoning. *g*
There was a moment of silence as Operations contemplated her last remark before responding. "And how did the meeting with Morgan go?"
Madeline smiled at his question. "It went very well. Nikita had no problem convincing him that she was a legitimate buyer and they have another meeting set up for tomorrow."
Ops met her gaze. " I don't like not knowing where Michael is. Let's get that loose end tied up. Quickly."
The seriousness of his voice made Madeline pause. Isn’t Ops always serious? "Is there a particular course of action you want me to follow?", she asked, careful to keep her voice even.
"Not yet. The timing of this is just wrong. He can't be allowed to jeopardize anything." Again, because I don’t know what Morgan has that Ops wants so bad, I don’t understand what’s at stake or what Michael might jeopardize. If I did, I might feel a sense of urgence as well. Instead, I just feel confused.
Madeline turned back to the window and found Nikita watching them. "They Who is they? haven't had time to break him. Let's not be hasty." Would Maddy say this to Ops? She turned back to face Operations. "Let me find him first."
Ops looked down from the window to where Nikita was standing with Birkhoff. "Fine. Just handle it", the words were tense.
Madeline turned back to the window, Suggest omitting the sentence in red and letting the dialogue stand alone. "Consider it done."
Don’t forget body language, sounds, touch and internal character thought, which will help take the burden off of you to describe the characters looking and staring at each other and others.
I also think it’s important to show why Ops is so concerned over Michael’s absence in this instance because in lieu of that, I’m wondering at the reason for this scene. Scenes like this take away from the intent of your story (Michael and Nikita’s focus throughout the mission). Make sure their inclusion has a purpose tjat can be understood by the reader, or you may lose the reader due to confusion.
************
The first incision was cold, the stainless steel of the scalpel gliding down his ribs. As streams of warm blood began to make a path down his side, Michael jerked, trying to move away from the pain. Here is where I wanted to see the wielder of the scalpel, since I know it’s not moving on its own. His arms strained against the binding chains as he struggled to free his legs. It was no use. He was chained firmly, wrists together above his head, legs spread and ankles manacled to the floor. Not that he could actually touch the floor now. Confusing-he was last strung up by a chain hanging from above, right? And here you say he is manacled to the floor, yet he’s not touching the floor. When reading on, I got the impression he’s strung bowstring tight horizontal to the floor. But I’m not at all sure if this impression is correct either, so my suggestion is to reword for clarity.
Not (you began your previous sentence with this word) after the last beating, when he had killed one of the two men abusing him. Suggest rewording so the meaning is clear that Michael’s punishment for killing one of the men is being strung up bowstring-style and left to hang by the ankle and wrists. I also wonder if this is even possible, if the weight of one’s body hanging this way would break the ankle or wrists. The other he had merely damaged. He almost laughed, thinking about it. They had looked so shocked when he had lashed out at them, totally unprepared for a man who been beaten as badly as he had to even be able to move. It hadn't done him any good, though. That's when they had stretched him up further and chained him more securely. It was also when they had brought their "Doctor" in to see him.
The scalpel slid along the same line as the first cut, separating muscles this time instead of mere skin. Every muscle in Michael's body flexed and he clenched his teeth tighter, not quite managing to keep a groan of pain inside. It was the first sound he had made, the first sign of weakness and he knew it. He closed his eyes tightly, fighting the blackness and waves of nausea that threatened to overtake him. When he opened them a few seconds later, his breathing somewhat normal, the pain controlled, he met the smiling eyes of his captor. Nicely worded paragraph here. Unfortunately, you gave good visuals and now I’m all queasy inside.
New paragraph. "He really is a very good dDoctor, Michael. You'll see." Instead of a doctor, which could mean anything, how about some sort of cosmetic surgeon? Or just a surgeon? Michael looked down at his left side, where the short little Omit either short or little man was working. The incision was about six inches long and blood was welling out of the cut with every breath he took. Sucking air between his teeth, he began to count again. It wasn't working anymore. He lost the thought as the dDoctor peeled skin and muscle away to expose the gleaming bones of his ribcage. This time, he didn't even try to stay conscious. Another vividly-worded paragraph that left me feeling green. However . . . what does Morgan want? He’s not pressing for information from Michael any more. Why?
Well, I have to confess that if I wasn't critiquing this, I’d skip right over the torture scenes. Blood and gore don’t interest me. I am very interested in Michael’s methods of withstanding brutality, but I felt that your focus centered too much on the act--here and previously--to the exclusion of Michael’s internal battle, which is what I’m mainly interested in. And in focusing on the act, I think you’re missing the opportunity to humanize Michael and to demonstrate his focus. Where does he go in his head when things get bad? (I think surviving something of this magnitude calls for something more than counting.)
I know your next torture scene opens with a kind of escape, but I saw it as Michael hallucinating, which isn’t the same thing as a survival technique escape.
************
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Second part -- O-Bug, 13:51:21 05/07/03 Wed
"Birkhoff, I'm in." Nikita spoke in a low voice. She was alone in the elevator, going down to meet Morgan for the final information exchange.
"Good, Nikita. Would he would say this? I’d begin with: I've got your location. I’d also suggest omitting: Everything is under control." Birkhoff keyed a sequence into the computer, making minor adjustments to the frequency level Nikita was using. "We may get a little fuzzy if he takes you real deep, but we shouldn't lose contact."
"I hope not. I am not looking forward to this" , I like Nikita’s internal thoughts here, but would she voice her hopes or fears about the mission? Nikita tried to keep the anxiety she was feeling from her voice. Where is Michael's smooth confidence when I need it most, she thought to herself.
"You're doing fine, Nikita." This time it was Madeline's voice she heard. It just didn't give her the same feeling of security as Michael's voice.
"Here we go", Nikita whispered I don’t understand why Maddy is acting as cheerleader on this mission, or why Nikita has so readily accepted Maddy’s role as such. I’d suggest cutting right to the chase – get Nikita to Morgan and to Michael. Forget about Birkoff and Madeline. At this point, they are interruptions. (I'm sorry! But that’s how I feel.) as the elevator stopped and she stood up straightening her business suit as the doors swooshed open. Cautiously, she moved out into the hall.
Why cautiously? She's JC now, not Nikita, right?
"Hello, JC. I see you made it. And right on time, too." Morgan greeted her as she stepped forward. Here, you show the greeting and then you reiterate that he greeted her. I'd probably just show the action of the greeting taking place. "We have already gotten started. I'm not sure why this is important. How would Morgan know until they began the information extraction process that they'd need another specialist like JC? I do hope you don't mind, but this one well this one is quite special." Morgan smiled at Nikita's raised eyebrows. "Step this way and I'll give you the file", Morgan placed one hand on the small of Nikita's back as he indicated the direction with his other.
Nikita allowed the contact, even though she was repulsed by Morgan and his little games. She had been through three days of these silly meetings About what, exactly? IMO, what they'd discuss in these meetings (the victim? purpose of information extraction? methods of extraction? Morgan's problems in getting the victim to speak?) are important. and she was ready to get it over with once and for all. Careful to keep her face neutral, Nikita let the door be opened for her.
"After you, my dear", Morgan drawled.
Nikita stepped into the room. It was furnished simply with a desk, computer and two chairs. She paused at the desk before asking, "The file is here?"
Morgan smiled as he punched buttons on the keyboard. "Here you go. Please, have a seat as you read it." He pulled out one of the chairs and held it for Nikita.
Nikita smiled as she put down her bag and took the chair, turning to the screen. "Well, let's see what you've got here." She began to read the medical file. It was very clean and well documented. It was also obvious that Morgan was not going to leave her alone to read the file. She turned to him and smiled again. "It's not very long. I take it you haven't had this one for very long?"
"No, my dear. I think of it as a challenge to break them in as little time as possible. This one has been here longer than most." How long? Morgan was looking at Nikita closely. Why?
"Be careful Nikita", Madeline warned. Be careful of what?!
Nikita met Morgan's gaze unflinching. "Of course", she replied, answering both Madeline and Morgan at the same time. What was the question? Then she turned back and began to read off the main points of the file, saying them under her breath so Madeline could hear, but in such a way that Morgan thought she was engrossed in the file. I wish I could hear what the main points of the file are. I feel too much in the dark about what Morgan's after.
After a few moments, Morgan stood, placing a hand on Nikita's shoulder. Startled, she looked up to find him smiling down at her. "I'm going to go check on our guest. I'll be back in a moment and we can discuss your suggestions. You don't mind?" Why would he ask her such a thing? Isn’t he employing Nikita/JC to do a job for him?
"Certainly not", Nikita smiled back at Morgan. "Take your time. This looks very interesting." She breathed a small sigh of relief as the door closed. "OK, Madeline", she muttered, "Here we go." Here she goes with what?
************
What's interesting and what works in the previous scene between Morgan and Nikita is that anyone reading will know what's in store for her. This is a great hook that involves a reader. It's building suspense and anticipation.
What doesn't work for me about the scene is that Morgan and Nikita reveal nothing of importance -- there is nothing that furthers your plot or that serves to up the ante. My suggestion is to reveal something pertinent during Morgan and Nikita's dialogue. Maybe . . . some sort of clue that makes her think of Michael? Or, maybe she reads something in the file (that readers will also see) that will raise her sympathy.
But I really think there should be some kind of reason for the scene. Go back to the title of your story: maybe it could be something having to do with an operative's need to focus . . .
#
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I forget where I am, but ... -- O-Bug, 14:46:00 05/12/03 Mon
... it's taking too long to find the right section, wait for it to download and hope the Reply to this message choice is at the bottom of it. *g*
So, I'll just continue on from here.
************
I’m breaking up the huge paragraph that followed into smaller paragraphs of my own choosing. Purely stylistic.
Michael was in Suggest omitting WAS IN and adding stood Nikita's apartment. He could feel felt instead of could feel her presence surround him: it was in everything he touched. In a moment, he knew Suggest omitting HE KNEW he would have to leave. They would be there to clean it out. To them, Nikita was dead, killed by him Suggest omitting WAS DEAD, KILLED BY HIM and adding had been cancelled along with five other abeyance operatives by explosion on the last abeyance mission. Well, I suggest rewording however you see fit, in any case.
He stood, Suggest omitting STOOD (if you choose to use this word above, that is) breathing her scent one last time. –> He had set her free, one way or the other. He only hoped she had gotten out in time. <–Suggest omitting these two sentences since they are inherently understood by anyone who’s seen the show. Odd, he didn't remember her sink dripping constantly like that. Is there a dripping sound where Morgan is keeping Michael? Or, are you referring to water (blood?) that may be dripping from Michael’s body? He cocked his head, listening. From somewhere far away came a high, whining sound. It reminded him of a dentists drill. He opened his eyes then, not realizing they had been closed. He turned to the sound, wondering why Nikita had a drill here, trying to make it fit into place as it came close to his side.
Suddenly, there was a blinding white flash and he was in Section. The white flash reference is confusing. Is this Michael’s response to the pain of the drill on his body? There she was, training with Birkhoff and trading innuendoes with Walter. He stood off to one side, watching her light Section with her special glow. Her blonde hair flipped over her shoulder as her blue eyes met his. She had smiled at him. Nikita. Images came more quickly then, of Nikita training. Sleeping. Killing. He saw her learning and he saw her crying from behind iron bars. There she was smiling. Mostly, though, he saw her strength, her ability to survive whatever was thrown her way. It was the reason he had brought her into Section. She not only survived, she triumphed! He grabbed at that part of her and held on. Focus, he thought through waves of agony, remember every detail. Nikita.
I like where you went with the above paragraph, but the way you wrote it is keeping me at arm’s length. Most of the action in the paragraph is passive because you’re not allowing me to “see” the memory. My suggestion is to pick one or two poignant memories, and to consider the reason behind why Michael would think of a certain memory, i.e., the moment when he realizes Nikita’s insouciance isn’t an act, or an unexpected moment when she’s emotionally demanding and he inadvertently responds, or almost does, or another such defining moment. Or, pick a canon moment from Season One. Some examples – Nikita’s nervousness and Michael’s “Dance for me.” in LOVE; the end of the hand dance scene in ESCAPE; Michael overhearing Nikita’s conversation with Madeline about his seduction of Lisa Fanning, and seeing the look on her face, in OBSESSED, etc.
************
"Nikita, I can't break the code at this terminal. It isn't connected to the rest of the system. You'll have to get to the main computer, or access a terminal that's hooked into the system." Birkhoff's revelation did not improve Nikita's mood. She had hoped he would be able to get the information from this location, thus preventing her from further contact with Morgan. She frowned in dismay. That was probably why Morgan had left her alone in the first place. He knew this terminal was isolated. Damn.
"Nikita, get back to your original screen. There is movement in the hall." Madeline's cool voice ordered her into action.
(Nikita punched) Quickly punching a few keys, the computer cleared, finishing just as the door opened behind her. Nikita stood and smiled at Morgan. "Everything all right?" she asked, I don’t understand the basis for her question. keeping her voice even as she smoothed her skirt.
Morgan's eyes followed Nikita's hands as they brushed down the front of her thighs. He smiled. "Splendid, my dear, splendid! Shall we?" he asked, holding the door open for her.
Nikita picked up her bag and looked demurely at him. "Certainly" she murmured throatily as she swayed past him.
"We have made a little progress since that file was last updated. I think you'll be surprised. I hope you will be, at least." Morgan smiled again as he stopped at a door. "I would consider it an honor if I could surprise the great JC." What is it that makes her great?
Nikita studied Morgan. "I'm sure you will," she replied after a moment. "I just love surprises." And she sashayed through the door.
The previous scene is another one that I feel could be omitted entirely and nothing would be lost from the story, for the same reasons I’ve listed before. Nothing new or of importance was revealed, and the issues you did hint at – a file, progress – raised questions about issues I’m already confused about. What file? (The file on what they’ve done to Michael? And if so, what is the point of keeping a torture log?) What progress? (As far as I know, Michael hasn’t given them anything yet.)
******************
Nikita stood still, breathing evenly and counting. On the other side of this door, she thought, is some poor soul who has had the misfortune of crossing paths with all the wrong people. Or maybe, she reflected, they really do deserve this sort of thing. She could think of at least three people who might deserve this. Now was not the time for those thoughts. Exactly. Show me the situation first, then let me hear Nikita’s anguished thoughts. And like JayBee said in her critique, Nikita thinking of three people who deserved whatever she’s going to face behind the door sounds mighty odd. Pun intended. If she’s going to go so far as to think three I’d like to know who the three are and why. But . . . that’s getting totally off the story’s topic. However, you won’t have to worry about the three thing at all if you just show Nikita seeing Michael. From that point on, the story should almost write itself.
She counted to ten and then to ten again. Your opening paragraph stated she was counting, so there’s no need to repeat it here. From her comm unit she could hear the crackle of static. Birkhoff's voice was coming through, but it was faint. I don’t remember Birkoff saying much during a live mission, unless it was to relay information. What is he saying? I can do this, she thought. I must do this. Use my emotions to do what?!? She almost panicked. Breathe in, she blanked her mind breathe out she had her emotions breathe in, she felt nothing breathe out . Suggest rewording the last sentence.
The heavy metal door swung open, revealing a dank dark <– separate with a comma and it’ll read better room. Nikita stepped in and came to stand beside Morgan. Focus on her feelings of revulsion, or scent, or something other than stepping and standing. Put yourself in her shoes and pretend you’re about to enter a room where someone’s been tortured to within an inch of his life. Now describe it. Off to her left, she could see the prisoner Morgan had chained from the ceiling. She ignored him for now. IMO, Nikita would see it was Michael instantly. Even if she didn’t have a special link with Michael, she’s been trained to pick up on everything. "What .progress have you made?" Nikita was pleased that her voice sounded cool and collected.
Morgan let a smile touch his lips. Awkward. You’ve also portrayed Morgan as an eager smiler throughout the story, so why does he have to concentrate to smile now? He cupped Nikita's elbow with his hand and turned her toward the prisoner. IMO, Morgan shouldn’t have to steer JC anywhere. Forget that this is Nikita and write about another character called JC. Then, JC can *see* Michael and lose her fake persona when Nikita resurfaces with her heart in her throat. Leaning close, he whispered, "Let me show you, my dear. You'll like this." Nikita let Morgan lead her to the circle of light where the prisoner was being held. A short little I’d omit short little and focus on what makes this man stand out (like the drill!) man in surgical scrubs was working on some kind of drill. He looked up when they approached.
"JC, this is our Doctor. Doctor is not capitalized unless it’s followed by a name or it’s the first word in a sentence. I think you will find his work rather extraordinary. Doctor? Will you show our guest your latest innovation?" And if I understand correctly, this is the progress referred to?
From the research I’ve done, progress is measured by information the interrogator gets from the subject. I made it halfway though a horribly depressing book called A Man by Oriana Fallacy that went into depth about interrogation and surviving long periods of capture. If you can stomach the book, there’s lots of good information there.
The little man looked at Nikita with squinty eyes before moving to the prisoner. Nikita followed him with her gaze. She took a breath when the doctor pointed out the cut he had made. She could see thick streaks of blood running down the prisoner's bare side and soaking into his black pants. Nikita felt her stomach clench. Her gaze was riveted to the blood. She forced herself to breathe. This is not happening, she thought, this is not happening.
IMO, this cannot be an operative’s mantra during a live mission, otherwise how would they succeed? And the best way I know how to think of this and how they have to deal with what they’ve got to, is ACTING. Section ops have to be excellent actors, there’s no way around that. The *part* would be like a protective skin in itself. So . . . if Nikita is JC right now, she’s thinking about her job. Or she’s dead.
The doctor was speaking to her, something about the drill he had been working with. Nikita stared at the gaping wound in the man's side as the doctor pulled the flesh apart to let her see the holes he had been drilling into the ribcage. Breathe, Nikita thought, I have to breathe. She felt her eyes going wide as they traveled to the bent head of the prisoner. He was moving, moaning softly as the doctor prodded the incision. I have to breathe, she thought, I just have to breathe. Nikita began to tremble.
************
Well, that's all I have for you today. Still with me?
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I'm still with you. -- Shanola, 17:22:07 05/14/03 Wed
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Hey, Cynaera. -- Shanola, 21:40:42 05/04/03 Sun
I did post this years ago. And it's archived at Ranma's, in all it's unbeta'd glory.*g*
But don't let that stop you from giving it a once over, if you want to. That's why I posted it.*g*
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Okay, I've succumbed to this process and (r) -- JayBee, 23:16:51 05/06/03 Tue
hereby offer my feedback on the very first scene from this chapter. (I haven't had time to do any more, but might try to later.) I'm not sure how much help this will actually be, but it was kind of fun trying.
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Nikita stood still, breathing evenly and counting. When I read the words "evenly" and "counting" in such close proximity, I suddenly have this image of her breathing in bursts of 2's and 4's and 6's, LOL. I *know* that isn't what you meant, and that I'm a total freak for imagining such a bizarre thing, but I couldn't help but mention it. Heh. And yes, this beta is probably going to be just as weird the whole way through, just in case you were wondering. *g* On the other side of this door, she thought, is some poor soul who has had the misfortune of crossing paths with all the wrong people. Or maybe, she reflected, they really do deserve this sort of thing. Maybe add "further" after reflected in the prior sentence? This makes it clear that she is weighing possibilities. Otherwise, you don't need to say "she reflected" at all, since you already established in the prior sentence that we're being shown her thoughts here. She could think of at least three people who might deserve this. Three seems like an oddly specific number. It sent my mind wandering off, trying to guess which three baddies from various episodes they might be, and why others wouldn't have made the cut for the top three, instead of paying attention to the scene here. Maybe you could just say "several" or some such thing, so as to prevent easily distracted people like me from going off on tangents as we read. *g* Now was not the time for those thoughts. She counted to ten and then to ten again. Why again? Maybe she wasn't quite ready after the first round, so she paused and started over? If so, explaining that in a little more detail would go a long way toward bringing her nervousness to life. One other point, though: she was already counting at the beginning of the paragraph, so this seems like an awfully long period of counting by now. Perhaps the very first sentence should delete the counting reference altogether, and simply refer to her trying to breathe evenly to calm herself, or some such thing. From her comm unit she could hear the crackle of static. Birkhoff's Birkoff'svoice was coming through, but it was faint. I can do this, she thought. I must do this. Use my emotions to do what?!? She almost panicked. Breathe in, she blanked her mind breathe out she had her emotions breathe in, she felt nothing breathe out . These last few sentence could use some commas and italics to set off the thoughts.
The heavy metal door swung open, revealing a dank dark room. This might just be me, but I tripped over "dank dark". It sounds like a tongue-twister. Also, who opened the door? If *she* didn't -- and the way it's worded, it doesn't really sound like she did -- how did whoever opened it know that she was ready? Nikita stepped in and came to stand beside Morgan. Off to her left, she could see the prisoner Morgan had chained from the ceiling. She ignored him for now. "What .progress have you made?" Nikita was pleased that her voice sounded cool and collected. I would start a new paragraph with the "What progress etc."
Morgan let a smile touch his lips. If this is Nikita's POV, I don't know that she would interpret it as "letting" a smile touch his lips, because that goes to his intent, which she is not privy to. She would simply see him smile. He cupped Nikita's elbow with his hand and turned her toward the prisoner. Leaning close, he whispered, "Let me show you, my dear. You'll like this." Start a new paragraph after this.Nikita let Morgan lead her to the circle of light where the prisoner was being held. A short little short little? I don't think you need both. man in surgical scrubs was working on some kind "some kind" sounds a bit funny to me, maybe you can describe what it looks like? of drill. He looked up when they approached. Start a new paragraph after this. "JC, this is our Doctor. I think you will find his work rather extraordinary. Doctor? Will you show our guest your latest innovation?"
The little man looked at Nikita with squinty eyes before moving to the prisoner. Nikita followed him with her gaze. She took a breath when the doctor pointed out the cut he had made. She could see thick streaks of blood running down the prisoner's bare side and soaking into his black pants. Nikita felt her stomach clench. Her gaze was riveted to the blood. She forced herself to breathe. This is not happening, she thought, this is not happening. The doctor was speaking to her, something about the drill he had been working with. Nikita stared at the gaping wound in the man's side as the doctor pulled the flesh apart to let her see the holes he had been drilling into the ribcage. Breathe, Nikita thought, I have to breathe. She felt her eyes going wide as they traveled to the bent head of the prisoner. He was moving, moaning softly as the doctor prodded the incision. I have to breathe, she thought, I just have to breathe. Nikita began to tremble.
A lot of the above paragraph strikes me as sort of choppy -- lots of very short sentences in a row. In addition, while terseness can be good, I think a paragraph dealing with a subject matter so gruesome could have used a little more description of the gore. Nikita is supposed to be so horrified that she can barely breathe: try to make the reader feel that way, too. Instead of just saying that her gaze was riveted to the blood, describe what the blood looks like, what it's doing, mention the sound she hears when the doctor pulls the flesh apart, whether the flesh quivers, etc. Also, it would probably be livelier if you included actual dialogue instead of just telling us that the doctor said something. And again, it would be helpful if you italicized or broke out internal dialogue somehow.
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That's all I had time for, but I might take another stab at the chapter later. And again, Shanola, thank you for volunteering this! I think this was a fantastic idea.
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Sweetie, you can beta for me anyday! LOL! -- Nell, 12:31:37 05/07/03 Wed
I would find these sort of comments extremely helpful...
Nell
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Jaybee has stepped into the 'beta breech' for me a few times (r) -- Genevieve, 04:58:17 05/14/03 Wed
And she *is* very good. Especially with those Maddy/Paul chaptes. Heh heh.
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Athena, (r) -- Natasha, 15:53:58 05/08/03 Thu
You've given me some food for thought, and I'll have to consider doing this on a future story.
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Okay. But just out of curiosity... -- Shanola, 21:08:21 05/06/03 Tue
Why isn't this the type of story you can get into?
Do you only read Madeline/Operations? Do you dislike hurt/comfort fics? Do you despise Michael? Do you prefer happy endings? Is it a style difference? Do you only like Plot-What-Plot fics?
You don't have to answer and you certainly don't have to beta read, but you've made me curious.
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Shanola. (r) -- Natasha., 16:03:50 05/08/03 Thu
In answer to your questions.
I do not only read Madeline/Operations stories but I do prefer them.
I do dislike hurt/comfort stories.
I do not despise Michael.
I prefer unhappy endings.
In part, it is a style difference.
I normally dislike PWP fics.
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I do not like green eggs and ham? (r) -- Genevieve, feeling reckless, 05:00:24 05/14/03 Wed
Sorry, couldn't resist.
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LOL Genevieve. -- Shanola, 17:24:57 05/14/03 Wed
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Xmen/Pretender crossover? ::faints:: -- ~delle, 10:55:08 05/08/03 Thu
not in a good way...
who would EVER think to put them together? and for what purpose?
please tell me it wasn't the "character A and character B would look SO HOTT together" reason...
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Actually (r) -- Athena4, 15:26:28 05/08/03 Thu
It was rather well done. Although, it assumed knowledge of a previous story I hadn't read. Plus the X-men in general, which I was unfamiliar with.
It worked on the assumption that what Jarod, and his sister (an original character, not Mary Sue, at least not blatently) can do is a "mutant behaviour" and that they were being hunted as well. Which of course, they were, by the Centre.
The sister, Sarah, I think, met up with Logan (of course), who took her to Xavier. I think she was actually telepathic, rather then a Pretender...or was she both.. Hrm...
Anyways... there was no romance in it all. Brotherly love, and sisterly love. But no "this guy looks cute with this girl".
The story was basically of the two groups hoooking up, and I think rescuing Jarod at some point...
I enjoyed it.
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X-Men is one of those "little black dress" fandoms. It crosses over with anything. See also: Highlander, Quantum Leap, and sometimes X-Files. -- Nestra, 11:59:19 05/09/03 Fri
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