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Date Posted: 12:10:03 04/29/03 Tue
Author: O-Bug
Subject: Walter/Nikita and Nikita/Madeline scenes
In reply to:
Shanola
's message, "Focus- Part 1 (or should that be Out of Focus??*snark*)" on 21:56:24 04/27/03 Sun
************
"Hey, Walter," Nikita smiled as she leaned against the wall, hands in the front pockets of her white jeans.
Walter smiled and looked up from the comm unit he was working over, "Hi, sugar. Come to take me up on my latest offer?" How about letting me feel or sense their smiles by what they say? Some lines of dialogue are best left alone, with no tags (which slows the reader down).
Nikita laughed, looking down and shaking her head. Her smile faded as she raised her eyes. "Walter, have you seen Michael?" I like this sentence - it’s very Nikita. Shows that while she’s worried or distracted, she’ll still take time out for a friend.
Walter looked surprised. Why surprised? (The undercurrents of what both of them are feeling is what’s interesting to me –not their movements or the scene description, which should be secondary.) I think you’ve set this story sometime during Season Two, perhaps during the period when Nikita was icing Michael out after the Jurgen thing. Maybe Walter’s look of surprise is due to N’s unexpected show of concern? Since you don’t say, I have to guess. "Not today, I haven't. Why? You think he can give you something I can't?" Nikita pushed herself away from the wall and sauntered over to Walter's table.
"Now why would I think that?" She propped her chin on her hands as she rested her elbows on the table. Walter eyed the way Nikita's hips thrust out behind her, the jeans conforming tautly to her backside. And this is very Walter. He looked into her wide blue eyes to find her laughing at him, and smiled again.
"I have no idea. You .' Walter stopped abruptly as Birkhoff bounced into the room. If you show the action of an interruption during dialogue, you won’t have to write about it.
“I have no idea. You–”
"Nikita, Madeline wants to see you in her office,” Birkoff said. Etc.
"Nikita, Madeline wants to see you in her office", he said quickly. Then he turned and was gone.
Nikita had no doubt he was in a hurry. He was always in a hurry just before a mission. Why mention this at all? Even if a non-LFN fan were to read this, you indicate Birkoff’s personality very well by his actions.
Sighing, Nikita stood and turned, throwing one last smile over her shoulder as she left Walter to his work. Choose the situations and actions you want to describe judiciously. If you’re describing Nikita sighing, standing, turning, etc., you are missing the opportunity to instead show her unease over Michael’s absence.
As she made her way to Madeline, Unnecessary to say this; it’s evident by what Birkoff said and that she left Walter’s workstation, that she’s on her way to see Madeline.
she passed by Michael's office. The door was open but the room was empty. Nikita stopped briefly at the window, looking for any trace that he had been there recently. She found none.
Continuing on, she let her thoughts wander to Michael. Maybe he had a new recruit, or maybe he was working out himself. She frowned. Those were not things he normally did right before a briefing, but she could never tell what Michael was thinking or why he was doing something. She paused before punching her code into Madeline's security keypad, taking a few deep breaths and clearing Michael from her thoughts. Dealing with Michael was one thing, but Madeline! Madeline was another story requiring a different sort of energy and she wanted to be alert. IMO, there’s too much description and too many thoughts in this paragraph. Break them down (actions/thoughts) and focus on what you really want to show here. (Nikita notes Michael’s empty office and emotionally prepares herself for a meeting with Madeline.)
Madeline looked up from the computer screen as Nikita stepped through the door. She smiled. "Hello Nikita. Please come in and have a seat." Madeline turned and gestured to indicate one of the two chairs across from her desk. She watched, unsmiling, as the blonde operative warily made her way down the steps and over to the chairs. No need to show every movement–it’s understood that Maddy will look up to greet Nikita once N moves past the door. Again, focus on the feelings and let the actions be secondary. What is really taking place here? (Madeline’s getting ready to slam-duck Nikita with another gut-wrenching mission and Nikita knows it. How does their body language reveal this? I don’t see Maddy giving anything away–she’s polite and yet reserved no matter what’s happening, which isn’t really revealing but IS indicative of who she is, but Nikita . . . well, no one ever had any trouble understanding what she was feeling.)
Madeline turned back to the computer and keyed a sequence as Nikita sprawled herself Omit the word HERSELF into a chair. Fitting, Madeline thought and then, Good. She is learning to hide her unease. Wouldn't this have been a thought for Season One Madeline?
Madeline turned back to Nikita, studying the younger woman intently. "I wanted to speak with you about this mission. It will be very difficult for you. You can't let your guard down for an instant." I don’t see Madeline saying these words. Isn’t every mission difficult? Especially those requiring a chat with Maddy beforehand. I also don’t see her in a cheerleading roll (remember Mercy? Maddy knew Nikita was suicidal . . . and let her go anyway).
"Well, so far it sounds like every other mission I've been on.", Since I didn’t hear (read) about what the mission entails, I can’t agree (or disagree) with Nikita that this mission sounds like all the others.
Nikita insolently tossed out the words as she twisted a strand of long blonde hair. I don’t remember seeing or feeling insolence from Nikita after she was brought back in Season Two. After the Jurgen arc, Nikita seemed to toughen up substantially in my mind. I saw her as being unfailingly polite and focused when dealing with Maddy (unlike Season One). I understand she doesn’t want to be there, but I don’t think that’s visible anymore. Maybe you can let us know of N’s feelings by what she’s thinking?
Madeline inclined her head slightly toward the other woman. Well done, she thought, allowing a half smile. I don’t understand what was well done. Then she carefully blanked her face for the next revelation. But isn't Maddy’s face usually blank when discussing missions? Kind of awkward to read, too. "You will be meeting with a man named Morgan. He specializes in extracting information. You may or may not be required to help him do so."
Nikita sat up straight, letting her hair fall from her fingers. "Extracting information. You want me to torture someone? Who?" I don’t see Nikita asking this question–she’s seasoned enough at this point to know which questions to ask and which not to ask, IMO. It really ISN’T important at this point (and you don’t want to imply it IS before it’s time). Nikita narrowed her eyes, trying to read something from Madeline.
"Who, does not matter", Madeline said as she turned the computer monitor around for Nikita to see. "Morgan has something we want. He has agreed to sell this information to a woman named Josey Callahan, or JC, as she is known." Nikita could see JC on the screen. She was in the White Room, sitting very still in the lone chair. Madeline continued, turning back to study Nikita.
New paragraph. "The price exchange involved JC's area of expertise, which is information retrieval. He is expecting her to offer suggestions. Why is Morgan, who also specializes in information extraction, wanting to hire another specializing in this field? And how does he know at this early stage that he’s even going to need more help? It might help if you let readers know how many days later (from when Michael was captured) this meeting with Nikita is taking place. As you can see, you look a lot like JC."
"Won't Morgan know I'm not JC?" Nikita was very uneasy. Nikita won’t have to ask this if you just have Maddy continue to speak.
"No. They have never spoken, although Morgan does have a general description of JC. Tall, blonde, and athletic. What else is there about JC that might make it easy for me to understand why an athletic blond is interested in information extraction? As in background . . . The deal was set up through a third party who is no longer viable." Madeline's voice was even and business like as she watched Nikita's face form into a frown. Reword the last sentence (it’s telling instead of showing) or better yet, omit it completely. I know Maddy is unfailingly and coolly polite and that Nikita might be sitting there frowning.
She paused for a moment, choosing her next words carefully. "You will have to be creative, Nikita. I know this is not something you will enjoy, but it's necessary as well as unavoidable. " I’d suggest omitting Maddy’s second line–unnecessary and understood. Madeline turned the screen away from Nikita. "You will have to be strong, Nikita." When two people are speaking, they rarely address the other by name.
"I will have to be you!", No comma necessary Nikita spat out the words, hating the fact that they were true. It’s not the fact that her words may be true, it’s N’s feelings of horror that interest me. And quite possibly, just her words of having to act like Madeline are enough.
Madeline stared at Nikita, unblinking. "The mission briefing will be in ten minutes. That will be all." Madeline turned back to the computer, clearly dismissing the younger woman.
Nikita stared at Madeline in disbelief. That will be all? Taking a breath to steady herself, Nikita said, "I don't know how to be creative when it comes to torture. I can't do this, Madeline. And you know it." I can see Nikita saying these last two lines of dialogue to Michael, but not to Madeline. After the end of Season One, I just don’t see Nikita willingly making herself vulnerable.
Madeline spoke without turning her gaze from the screen. "Use your emotions, Nikita. The rest will fall into place." She turned her head, dark eyes piercing into Nikita, No comma necessary, suggest omitting the word INTO "You will do this and you will do it well. You are dismissed." Madeline didn't raise her voice, but Nikita could feel the steel in the words. Knowing better than to argue at this point, she stood angrily and marched out of the office.
Madeline watched her go. This was going to be an extremely interesting mission. I’d suggest omitting the last sentence.
************
The previous scene with Madeline and Nikita is one that I felt could be omitted entirely from the story, mainly based on the comments I made throughout. Most of what transpired can be replayed in Nikita’s mind as necessary–perhaps during the briefing that follows, perhaps later.
If you are trying to “set a mood of foreboding” with this scene, I suggest going for brevity (ala LFN). However, I think your opening scene of Michael’s capture is enough warning of what’s to come – too much will spoil the effect you’re after. IMO, you don’t want to reveal the surprise until the last possible moment.
Please understand this is just my opinion, so take it for what it’s worth.
Still doing good for you? Should I continue to slice and dice?
O-Bug
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Still doing fine. -- Shanola, 20:37:01 04/29/03 Tue
If you don't feel comfortable, feel free to stop anytime. I put this up to show how a beta was done and the types of things that can be pointed out. I don't know that I'll actually rewrite this story, though. It's been posted and archived, much to my chagrin. But I think it's healthy for me to remember how far I've come.
And for the most part, the things you are pointing out are things I agree with. So don't stop on my account. =D
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Not gonna rewrite? -- O-Bug, 06:30:02 04/30/03 Wed
Shanola, I don't want you to look at all of my comments and feel overwhelmed or depressed to the point of where you don't even want to look at the story again.
I knew by your opening message that this was an early piece of writing and that you've progressed beyond this point, so would you prefer that I don't critique line-by-line and comment on specifics of your choosing?
~O
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Jumping in here... -- JayBee, 10:28:20 04/30/03 Wed
I won't presume to speak for Shanola, but I got the impression she wasn't really planning on rewriting to begin with. She offered this up as something we could play with so that everyone could see how a public beta would work on this board.
I don't know about anyone else, but I hope you continue with this critique, because it's quite interesting to read! I'm getting a lot out of your (and the other) posts.
That, to me, is the big plus of public betas -- more people get the opporunity to benefit and learn than just the author and beta. As soon as I have a finished product that would be appropriate for this board, I fully intend to come back here and offer it for public slicing and dicing myself.
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Rewriting -- Shanola, 20:17:39 04/30/03 Wed
I did offer this as an example, JayBee is right.
As for rewriting this story, well, I've gone in circles with it for years. Yes, I should rewrite it because I've progressed (I hope!) and it's terrible to have something like this out there. No, I shouldn't rewrite because I've progressed and it's good to have something like this out there.
I'll probably go in circles with it for some time. Heh.
But I'm curious to see what everyone has to say as they beta it. So, O'Bug, please don't stop unless you've decided it isn't worth your time. I think a lot of people are learning a lot from of your beta, though. I know I am.
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